by Martinis
It was a strange feeling, to be included in something like this.
Once we started walking around, Declan was happy enough to run off, read something intently, then come back and explain it to us before running off again. He remained in sight, and I kept watching as he spoke for signs of Brodie in his mannerisms. His accent, of course, wasn’t the same; the boy was all Londoner, clipped vowels and sharp consonants. He was what old people walking past would call ‘well spoken’. His mop of dark hair was curly like Brodie’s had been when he was younger, when he’d pulled it back into a ponytail.
‘My God, he looks like Jason,’ I said suddenly when the child went running off again, determined to read all about whales.
‘I know, it freaks me out sometimes.’ Brodie laughed. ‘I go to tease him and suddenly remember I’m a dad and that’s mean.’
‘So… how did that happen? Being a dad?’ I cleared my throat, and Brodie gave me a look.
‘In… the usual way… I guess?’
‘I mean, wife, marriage, baby, divorce? There’s a story there, darling, no?’ When I got nervous my Arabella voice became more pronounced. I was a little too spiky and I tried to shake it off.
Brodie shrugged, keeping an eye on his son before smiling at me. ‘I know there’s always got to be drama, but there wasn’t. I was seeing Natalie for about six months, and we got pregnant, so we got married and Declan came along. Tried to make the best of it, but we just didn’t work together. We’re still friends, though, we co-parent. It’s really the best situation. Dec’s happy, we’re both happy. It’s all good.’
I blinked. ‘That’s… that’s an option? To leave on good terms and be friends?’
Brodie laughed. ‘We didn’t work. But we got our kid, and we’re actually on the same page about parenting. Not really the same page about anything else, just different personalities. After seeing how my parents were… it feels good to be part of a team.’
‘Wow.’
It was almost impossible to imagine. One of the things we’d bonded over as teenagers was the lack of father figures. I was particularly lucky, in Brodie’s opinion, not knowing who my father was. I’d never had a dad, and so could never miss him, or be disappointed in him. Brodie’s father had been a big character when he was a child, a big Scottish man built like a bear, who’d met Tina when working in Belfast. He’d stuck around long enough to get married, start a family and drink himself into an angry, twisted state. When Tina found out she was sick, he was gone. I’d never really understood why his mum would up sticks from Northern Ireland to come to England, but her sister was nearby, and Brodie always said they’d moved around a lot. He said he didn’t know where home was any more.
I knew Brodie felt that I had the upper hand, out of the two of us. You can’t be embarrassed by or disappointed by someone who never existed.
But when you were exhausted and hungry at 4.30 a.m. the idea that there was a man out there, a kind, loving man who just couldn’t deal with your mother, but would have loved you and taken you away if he’d known you existed – that got me through most of my childhood. My mother blamed my birth for getting her off track, ruining her chances at a career in dance, even though everything had come to a stop for her years before I’d arrived.
There had never been any mention of my father – it was as if there was no need for that chromosome in my creation. My mother had simply cloned herself to make me; I was created in her image. All those times I tried to ask her about my dad, who he might be and what he was like, she just shut down and made me go for a run until I stopped asking.
Of course, it was my grandmother who eventually had the answer, in her descent into senility – he was no one. A young guy my tempestuous mother had gone home with one night, flattered to be picked out amongst her friends, so certain of her own beauty and poise. She’d had a few too many drinks, a quick shag with a stranger, and there I was, her chance at redemption, her chance at perfection.
Not everything was a story of love and heartbreak, and apparently that was true for Brodie too. Though it was hard to imagine.
‘And if I spoke to your ex-wife, she’d agree with this, that there’s no hard feelings, everything’s cool?’
Brodie raised an eyebrow. ‘Someone doesn’t trust anyone.’
‘Sometimes people who think no one got hurt are the ones who do the hurting,’ I replied. I had learnt that well enough.
‘Fine,’ Brodie said, turning back to his son, who came running over to drag us both across the room. ‘Hey, Dec, how’s Colin?’
Declan shrugged. ‘He’s good, he’s taking me to karate on Tuesday, and then we get to have burgers.’
‘You have fun together?’ Brodie asked, and the young boy blinked.
‘Am I not meant to, Dad?’
Brodie laughed. ‘No, kid, I’m telling Bel here how lucky you are to have all these awesome adults in your life who love you.’
‘Yeah, cool, can we go to the gift shop on the way out?’ Declan was already distracted by the presentation across the way, and wandered over.
‘Colin is your ex’s new boyfriend?’ I asked.
‘Husband,’ Brodie said, those light eyes laughing at me, ‘Good guy. We go for a beer sometimes. Terrible taste in music, and he’s kind of a sports person, but I like him. He’s good with Dec too.’
‘Seriously?’ I yelped, nudging him slightly. ‘This can’t be real.’
‘It can, darlin’, I assure you. People who were never crazy broken in love, but always got along well… being kind to each other. It works.’
‘So your life is perfect?’ I asked him.
‘Ha!’ His eyes scanned the crowds, focused on Declan and nodded, before turning back to me. ‘What’s perfect?’
‘You’re not missing anything? There’s no big gap?’ I said. ‘You’re making music, you work, you have a family, and your freedom. You have a positive relationship with your kid and your ex. What could be missing?’
Brodie smiled to himself, but said nothing.
‘What?’
He shook his head.
‘What!’ I smiled myself, I couldn’t help it.
‘Sometimes you don’t realize something’s missing until it suddenly arrives and reminds you,’ Brodie said, those green eyes twinkling as he took my hand, and carried on walking like it was the simplest thing in the world.
* * *
I was surprised how much I enjoyed the afternoon. As much as children slightly perturbed me, Declan seemed pretty easy after all. I realized he liked my random facts, and I had hundreds of them.
‘Did you know…’ I started a sentence, and immediately he would turn to me with interest. I was taken aback by those eyes, so much like his father’s, and his laugh, which sounded similar. As nostalgia seemed to sprinkle possibility between me and Brodie, I found myself wondering whether I could do this – be that cool auntie character to a child I always thought I might be.
This was all great until we had an ice-cream-eating contest and the child projectile-vomited in the bushes outside Kensington station.
‘And that tells me that our fun afternoon is over.’ Brodie threw me an apologetic look, handing Declan a bottle of water and whipping out a pack of baby wipes from his tiny backpack. ‘You okay, buddy?’
‘It was worth it!’ Declan gave me a huge drippy smile. ‘Caramel is the best flavour ice cream, isn’t it, Bel?’
‘It definitely is.’ I smiled. ‘But I’m sorry you were sick!’
He shrugged. ‘I get over-excited sometimes. I’m working on it.’
I pressed my lips together to keep from laughing and looked up at Brodie, who was failing to hide a smile. ‘Okay, time to say goodbye.’
I waved at Declan, but he decided to throw his sticky little arms around me, and I tried not to wince thinking about the ice cream marks on my T-shirt as he pressed his face against my hip. Apparently I was okay at this kid thing.
‘Bye, Bel! Brrrring brrrrring! Come back soon, we’re going to the science museu
m next time. I bet you know facts about space!’ Declan looked up at me.
‘You know… I do know some facts about space… but why don’t you look some up and see if you can surprise me for next time?’
Declan nodded eagerly, and I looked up at Brodie, who was smiling at me. ‘Next time, hey, darlin’?’
I gestured at his son. ‘Well, apparently I’m very in demand. Got a problem with that?’
He shook his head, and walked over to kiss me on the cheek. I held my breath a little as my chest fluttered. Old friend old friend old friend. It didn’t mean anything. It was just nostalgia and relief at finally having someone.
‘Let’s have the next date be an adult-only affair, okay?’ he whispered, before pulling Declan along behind him and heading off into the Tube.
Date. A date. With Brodie Porter.
Well, that was unexpected. As unexpected as getting along with a sticky-handed child, and actually enjoying their company? No. But unexpected all the same.
Of course, now I was left to go home, where my mother and Sam might be snuggling on his sofa, or eating dinner. When Jacques had gone home to his partner, and my staff had gone home to their families… I just went home.
Chapter Fifteen
There was an advantage to my mother and Sam becoming lovebirds – I didn’t have any distractions. There was no one to notice my comings and goings, my late nights and my early mornings.
I had started getting up early to run every day, the only way I could work off that anxious, fizzing energy about the club, and the changes that would be made, and what everyone thought of me. Did they see me as a failure? Was I better off giving up?
Euan had stopped by a few more times to bring me different wood samples, and even did a few drawings for me, showing how to make the dining area a more workable space and have a clearly separated bar, so it didn’t look empty if we didn’t have a show on. The ideas were clean, classy and I had to admit, he knew what he was doing.
It was nice to see him being somewhat like the boy I’d cared about – someone funny and full of ideas. Often, those ideas never came to fruition; he much preferred waiting around to coast on someone else’s tailcoats than putting in more work than necessary. But he was trying, and it was nice to have a friend.
That was what I’d been looking for, right? A friend. Someone who actually knew me.
‘Bel, have you considered selling up? Starting over?’ he asked one afternoon as we sat over sandwiches and whisky at the bar. ‘I know you’re not a quitter, but bars also have to follow trends, right? Jump on the next bandwagon and get inspired again!’
‘It’s…’ I shook my head. ‘It’s not that easy. This is my home. It’s the only real one I’ve made for myself.’
Euan tilted his head. ‘What, our little mouldy flat in Kentish Town didn’t count?’
I smiled. ‘We did as best we could, but we didn’t know how to make a home.’
‘You ever going to tell me why you ran?’ He sipped at his whisky carefully, not breaking eye contact.
‘Does it really matter, after all this time? I wasn’t happy, I was a coward, I’m sorry. Isn’t that enough?’ I sighed, pushing my lunch away.
‘Be honest for a minute – did you ever really love me?’ Euan asked important things like they were nothing. He could have been asking me how I felt about a film, or what the weather was like outside. ‘Because I was mad about you, I was head-over-heels obsessed. I could never quite believe that a girl like you would pick someone like me. And then you were gone.’
‘We had a good run of it, darling.’ I reverted back to safety, pushing him away with my voice. ‘I mean, I married you, didn’t I? It wasn’t like I jumped ship as soon as we got here.’
He shrugged, and the more I thought about how charming those words were, the more I recognized that same tone, the same attempt at softening me up the way he always used to.
‘And if we’re going for honesty here, sweetheart, perhaps if you were so overwhelmed that a girl like me would pick you, maybe you could have gotten a job, rather than sitting around picking your underwear out of your arse and playing video games every day? It wasn’t the life for me, that was all.’
He looked prickly, like I’d pinched him, but he didn’t back down.
‘I always felt that I was just the back-up choice. Brodie had gone, and suddenly there I was, and you paid me attention.’
And it always returned to Brodie, eventually. Did he know? Did he see that smile on my face and know that somehow that man I’d missed had come back? That he sent me little funny jokes and messages and made this time of growth and risk worth it?
‘My best friend left, and I was lonely, and you were there for me.’ I smiled at him, trying to mask the lie. ‘I’ll always be grateful for that, darling. And we did have a lovely adventure for a bit, didn’t we? But we were never well suited. It’s nice that we can be friends, though, isn’t it?’
Euan smiled at me, and I relaxed. He’d backed down. ‘It really is. And I appreciate you giving me this chance, Bel. I know I don’t always make it easy.’ He reached across to squeeze my hand, and I had to admit, I had no idea how I’d ever thought I was in love with Euan. He was, bless him, a vehicle for escape. I hadn’t known how to leave on my own; it was easier to hide beneath the cover of young love and adventure. He’d wanted to go to Brighton, but it was too close. I needed more space from my mother, rather than being haunted by the idea that I’d bump into her doing her food shop, or on a night out in town. It was me who had decided London was the answer – it offered anonymity, which was exactly what I wanted. To be invisible so I could become someone new.
‘Well, like you said, you’re actually really good at this building thing. So lucky for me you were available to help me out.’
‘I do worry about you, though,’ he said, looking around at the club. ‘This place isn’t easy, and it’s not going to be an easy fix either.’
‘I’m a hard worker, always have been.’ I felt myself getting defensive again. I didn’t need negativity; I needed solutions.
‘You’d be better off burning this place to the ground.’ He shrugged, as if he wasn’t saying something awful. A pain burned in my chest at the thought of losing the club, everything I’d built and struggled for. ‘It’d be easier.’
‘This is my home, Euan, I thought I said that already? You don’t just go destroying the places that houses your family, even when it’s hard!’ I thought I was going to choke on the anger I felt, and watched as he straightened his back to meet my eyes.
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it. It’s just going to be a long road ahead.’
And you’re still always looking for a quick fix.
‘Okay then. Lucky I’ve got good people along for the journey, isn’t it?’ I knew I had to let it go, and it was easier to reach a truce with Euan that fight to stand my ground. God knows, that had been my entire marriage.
We smiled at each other politely, and I had to remind myself that as lovely as that man could be, he was still always going to be a conman by heart. Well intentioned, always looking for the easiest option.
Although, I had to admit, Euan had actually been a huge help. Maybe it was fate after all, bringing me the man who had wronged me, so he could pay penance and help me rebuild better than ever. Except Euan had never really wronged me. He’d just been a bit of a rubbish husband. No drive, no determination.
Now, however, he was full of it. He seemingly loved hanging around in the club and fixing bits and bobs, even checking the electrics and doing a health and safety check on all the fire doors and exits. He had started to know the club like the back of his hand, working out plans to make it more spacious and even safer.
My past had come back to help, rather than hinder. And that seemed completely fair.
‘Um, Bel, I’ve got some plans to go over with you, have you got a second?’ Aria popped up holding a file and waved it in front of me. She looked different, somehow stronger. She held herself w
ith confidence, her dark bob swishing as she smiled at me. Interesting.
‘Absolutely, we’re done here, right?’ I asked Euan, and watched as a mist of disappointment passed across his face, before he smiled. Uh oh. Leopards and spots. Still a man looking for an escape to a warm bed and an easy life.
I waved and slipped off the bar stool, following Aria over to a table she’d set up.
‘What is all this?’ I flicked through the folder, and saw presentation slides, graphs and what was clearly a huge amount of work.
‘This is an audit of your social media, mentions and online presence, along with your website and a list of suggestions for improvement, a plan for engagement and some marketing campaign ideas to get us started for when the relaunch date is finalized. I also think we need to reach out to influencers, and make use of the performers’ social channels. Just simple stuff really.’ Aria shrugged.
‘Yeah, looks simple,’ I said, my eyes widening at the detail in the report. ‘Thank you for this, darling, I really do appreciate all the time and effort you’re putting in.’
She shrugged, blushing a little at the attention. ‘Well, I know I haven’t been here long, but the MC is home. And I don’t make the best Martini, but this, this is the stuff I know. This is how I can help.’
‘So… how did you end up being a bartender when this is what you’re good at?’ I blinked. ‘Why didn’t I hire you for this stuff?’
‘Because you weren’t advertising for that, and I needed an evening job. I’m saving.’ Aria met my eyes, and gave a little nod.
‘Glad to hear that.’ I lifted the folder. ‘So did you want to go through this now, or…?’
‘No, have a look through it, and get back to me. When we know what direction the refresh is taking, we’ll come up with a strategy.’ She nodded confidently. ‘I’m surprised you guys lasted as long as you did without anyone taking care of this. Word of mouth is digital now. Even old-world class needs new-world trends.’
I pursed my lips. ‘I think I preferred when you were afraid of me.’