by Martinis
That moment of complete destruction, the moment I realized I was trapped in a life that I hated, and I would be forever… I was violently sick, over and over, crying and choking. The housemate went away, yelling insults, and I just sat there, my back to the door, staring at that test.
It was in that moment I realized that must have been how my mother felt. That her life had been ripped from her and nothing would ever be the same. That it was impossible to imagine any amount of love that could make up for the loss of her future, her dreams.
And that was when I decided to be braver than my mother.
I tried to find the words, knowing Brodie was a father, knowing he might judge. And knowing that I had made the right decision.
‘I knew I couldn’t bring a baby into that life. It would have destroyed me. It would have been unfair, and I know I would have blamed the kid. I would have been my mother. So I decided not to stay pregnant.’
I looked at him, waiting for his face to change, waiting for some sort of judgement. I don’t know what I expected, to be vilified like something out of a nineteenth-century novel.
‘I’m so sorry you had to go through all that.’
I released a breath.
‘It was the sign I needed that I couldn’t make it work. I left in the middle of the night. He’d been out drinking and was barely conscious. I think I said I was going to get food. He didn’t notice my bag was packed. I left behind a lot, and went to live in Sam’s flat. I went to a burlesque class, and started feeling differently about my body, about myself. I got obsessed with creating that feeling in a club, and so I did.’ I gestured around me. ‘And here I am, all these years later.’
‘Euan never knew you were pregnant? Never knew why you left?’
‘He knew I was unhappy, but that never motivated him to change, to be something else. It was always my fault for wanting more. It was always that I didn’t love him enough, that he couldn’t… he thought you always came first, for me.’
Brodie blinked. ‘But we were never…’
‘He never believed me.’
Brodie stared out of the window, but reached a hand out along to floor, scraping the floorboards until he reached my wrist.
‘I suppose I wouldn’t believe it either,’ he whispered. ‘The bastard knew how I felt about you, and still, he couldn’t let it go.’
‘How did you feel about me?’ I whispered too, not sure why we needed to lower our voices, but enjoying the secretive feel of the moment.
Brodie looked at me like I should have known the answer, smiling as he tilted his head. ‘I was crazy about you, Bel. You were my best friend. And if I hadn’t been obsessed with being the fucking hero and looking after everything all the time, maybe I would have made my move.’
I gripped his hand back, sliding my fingers in between his. ‘You were looking after your mum, and your brothers. That’s noble. It was the right thing to do.’
‘For who?’
‘For everyone, for absolutely everyone.’ I smiled, squeezing his palm. ‘And look, we’re here now.’
‘And where is here, Annabelle Stone?’ he asked, leaning in until I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up with how deliciously low his voice dropped.
‘Together?’ I breathed, licking my lips, focusing my eyes on the curve of his jaw, the short stubble, the jut of his plump bottom lip. Anything but his eyes.
He was here, wasn’t he? He knew what this was. He’d always known, the same way that I had. Something that was real, too real for a couple of teenagers at the time. But maybe, just maybe, the timing was right now.
‘Together.’ He traced my chin with his fingertips until I had to look in his eyes, and see that smile there. God, that man still had the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen.
He kissed me then, leaning in until I felt his arms around my waist, his lips tender and gentle at first, then more desperate and demanding. I tasted his smile, his sigh of relief that this was finally happening, and then, to my utter shame, I began to cry.
‘Hey hey, what’s wrong?’ He placed a warm hand on the side of my neck and drew me into him, until I managed to choke down the gasps and tears.
‘Nothing! Nothing’s wrong. This is… this feels like everything is finally coming together. I just think I’m a little overwhelmed. I’ve been… I’ve been really alone for so long.’ The shame at admitting that warmed my cheeks, and I hated myself in that moment. Weak and blubbering, but infinitely vulnerable. That was the way to greatness, right? To be vulnerable.
‘You’re not alone, Bel. Look at all those people who were there for you tonight.’
‘Employees, not friends.’ I sniffed, angry at myself.
‘People who wanted to be there for you, who put in extra hours, unpaid. People who flew back from other countries to cook in your kitchen. People who knew you needed support and were there. Sorry to say it, darlin’, but those are friends.’
I considered this, and even if I didn’t quite believe it, I wanted to. They loved the club, they wanted to save the club and everything it stood for. But the club was a part of me.
‘Well.’ I wiped my eyes. ‘Can I say it’s nice to be around someone who knows the real me?’
Brodie grinned and kissed my cheek. ‘You can say that, but it’s not entirely true. I know the old Bel. But I’m really looking forward to getting to know this version of you too.’
‘You know, I’m really excited to get to know you too. But if I talk any more, I think my head’s going to explode,’ I said, standing up and reaching out a hand to help Brodie to his feet. ‘How do you feel about curling up on the sofa, watching a movie, and having tea and biscuits?’
‘You have biscuits?’ He blinked, not believing me.
‘Well, I have three Viennese swirls and a box of macaroons.’
‘This new version of you.’ Brodie laughed, putting an arm around my shoulder as we walked through the kitchen. ‘Does she happen to like the good things in life by any chance?’
‘That’s never changed, darling, I have always liked expensive booze, fancy cake and old movies.’
‘I guess that’s what we’re watching, then?’
I made a face. ‘If you don’t mind?’
Brodie grinned. ‘Show me your world, Arabella,’ he said as he clicked the kettle.
* * *
Some time early that morning Brodie whispered my name against my skin.
‘Are you awake?’
‘No,’ I sighed back, rolling over. ‘What is it?’
‘I believe in fate,’ Brodie whispered, his chin on my shoulder so I could feel his stubble against my skin.
‘Okay, did you need to tell me this now?’
‘Bel, I’m trying to tell you this was all meant to be. That night Sam brought you to the club? That was meant to be my last gig. I’d been failing in my music career, I wasn’t providing for my kid, I was still living like a teenager… and then there you were. Introducing me to Sam. And now we’re here, and I have options again and… I just wanted to thank you.’
‘So it was fate that Sam Callaghan jumpstarted your career?’ I laughed sleepily, nuzzling into his face. ‘I don’t think this has anything to do with me.’
‘This has everything to do with you, Bel – we’ve always been about timing. I think finally fate is helping us out. I don’t care if you’re cynical – we’re meant to be. I knew it then, I know it now.’
I yawned, putting an arm across him. ‘Okay, that’s good. Sleep now.’
‘Okay, darlin’, sleep now.’
* * *
We woke to the shriek of the phone ringing at four a.m. I desperately groped for it down the side of the bed, extracting my limbs from Brodie’s. We had fallen back asleep curled up, our foreheads resting against each other. But somehow since then we had shifted and moved, all splayed limbs and awkward angles. It would take some getting used to, sharing a bed with someone.
I half expected the number to be Jacques’, him drunkenly wittering on a
bout how wonderful everything had been and how pleased he was. It wasn’t. I didn’t recognize the number, but when a call comes in at that time in the morning, you answer.
I suddenly listed all the awful things that could have happened – my mother and Sam had been mugged or hurt. Milo’s visa had been revoked, or something had happened to Taya’s foot.
At four a.m. any phone call is a nightmare.
‘Hello?’ I waited, hearing the officer introduce herself, taking in the clipped tone of voice, the apology cloaked in practicality. I heard without hearing. I didn’t let my heart beat, or my stomach drop, or anything else.
I simply got out of bed, stood up straight and said, ‘We’ll be there in ten minutes.’
Chapter Nineteen
The fire was dying down by the time we arrived at the club, but even seeing the remainder of the blaze left me gasping. My baby. My club.
I stood there in the early summer morning and watched as the firefighters fought to save my business. I’d never seen firefighters at work up close, but I couldn’t take my eyes from the building until the embers died out. I wrapped my hoodie around myself, and Brodie held me close. By the time the firefighters left, Jacques was standing at my left elbow, peering with tears in his eyes. They had taped it up, and we couldn’t go in, but I was frozen, unable to leave.
‘What happened, Jacques?’ I said, my eyes not moving from my club. My poor, wonderful club, so recently brought back to life. Everyone had put so much love in, so much care and attention into making it brilliant again. And now it was all gone.
‘I’ve been talking to the police, they’ll probably want to talk to you next.’ He sniffed. ‘I’m so sorry, Bel, honestly. You know how much I love this place.’
‘Was it something in the kitchen? Did Savvy do something differently? Was there an accident?’ I couldn’t stop talking. ‘I won’t be angry, I just… I need to know.’
‘The club was completely safe when I locked up around midnight. We were all tired, everyone had a good night. Everything was closed as usual. I got a call because Rajesh at the corner shop looked out of his window and noticed the fire. He called the fire brigade, and I came down. Then the police wanted to talk to me, and I got them to call you.’
‘Why the police?’ I asked, finally tearing my eyes away to turn to him. Jacques looked as awful as I felt.
‘They think it was Euan.’
I shook my head. ‘No, he was angry, but he wouldn’t have done that.’
‘The police said he had a lot of debts, to a lot of bad people,’ Jacques told me. ‘Add that to seeing him lose his wife to the man he always thought she preferred?’
‘Where did all this come from?’ I said. ‘The police knew about that?’
‘No, I told them.’
‘Well, was anything missing? Anything to help pay these debts? That would be the point, wouldn’t it?’ I could hear myself squawking.
Brodie stepped in, ‘Bel, it was the insurance money. You’re married, right? What’s yours is his? If he could convince you that it wasn’t worth reinvesting, or starting over? Maybe you’d throw a little kindness his way, out of guilt? For old time’s sake?’
I shook my head. ‘That’s way too far-fetched.’ Although I started to hear it, his insistence that giving up and starting over was the best way. That I didn’t have to struggle any more.
‘You know Euan. Insurance scams were his kind of scratch,’ Brodie said, shaking his head. ‘In his mind, nobody got hurt, but everyone got a payout.’
The idea that, however angry he was with me, he would be able to look at all the hard work and effort everyone in that room had put in and still destroy it, was unbelievable. And yet, I’d given him enough cause, hadn’t I? Not inviting him, not making him feel needed. Not loving him, not doing what he wanted, or being the payday he felt he deserved.
‘Where is he, is he safe? Did the police find him?’
‘Rajesh saw a man leaving – the fire brigade confirmed there was no one inside. Police haven’t found him yet. No registered address.’
‘So that’s it?’ I said, not sure how to take any more information in.
‘For now,’ Jacques replied, the dark circles around his eyes showing just how much responsibility he’d taken tonight. ‘They’ll want to question you, but I asked if it could wait till morning, I knew it would be a shock.’
That made the tears fall, and I threw my arms around my friend. ‘Thank you. I’m sorry.’
‘For what?’ Jacques spoke into my hair.
‘For doubting you cared as much as you do.’
He squeezed me tighter, then let go. ‘Well, now you know. I’m going to get some sleep for a few hours. I suggest you try and do the same. Let me know when you’re done at the police station. We’ll regroup.’
It was impossible to imagine sleeping. I’d need to run until my lungs gave out just to get rid of the adrenalin. I nodded and hugged him once more, before turning to Brodie.
‘There’s no way I’m sleeping,’ I said. ‘Will you come with me to the police station? I want to get it over with.’
* * *
A few days later, grey-faced and sick to my stomach, we convened to walk through the club, trying to save things. It was too painful to look at most of it. That soggy charred smell everywhere was the worst, a painful reminder that no history could be erased. The only thing we could save was the oversized Martini glass. That fact actually gave me the giggles, hysterical and unstoppable.
We met with the insurance people, we talked to the police, we talked to our neighbours. I holed up in the flat watching old movies, looking with glassy eyes as Brodie held me close, or sometimes my mother would come downstairs and make me tea and stroke my hair.
I watched Gone with the Wind four times. I was waiting for that moment, that moment Scarlett declared she’d do anything for her future, anything to scrabble and fight to survive – I was waiting to feel that same determination and pride I always felt at that point in the movie.
But nothing worked.
We had put so much time and effort into fixing the club. We had been so close. I just didn’t think I had the energy to try again. Maybe Euan was right, it was best to start over. Or throw in the towel altogether.
I’d found Brodie again. That haughty Bel mask was starting to wear thin. I was tired. Maybe I could find something else to do. Someone else to be. There must be something else I could love, something else I was good at.
There was a knock at the door, and I moaned, pausing the DVD. My mum had a key to let herself in. I’d given Brodie one too, mainly so he could come and go as he wanted without my minor life crisis getting in the way. He still had to go to work, after all. I was jealous of that.
I shuffled to the door like a zombie, exhausted and worn. I knew my hair was standing up on end and I was wearing a ratty bathrobe I’d found in the back of my wardrobe, from way before I’d become Arabella.
When I gripped the door handle, I had a sudden image of Euan standing there, apologetic and guilty. Or crazed and obsessive. I shook it away, and opened the door to find Savvy, holding two coffees and a bag of pastries under her arm.
‘What time is it?’ I blinked, taking the coffee before I even stepped back to let her inside.
‘Four p.m.,’ Savvy replied, looking at my flat, first with appreciation (the windows, the high ceilings) then a wrinkled nose (the dishes in the sink, the piles of laundry on the floor). ‘It’s also time to snap the fuck out of it.’
‘Excuse me?’ I felt drunk, twisting my body awkwardly to face her.
‘You’ve mourned, you’ve been in shock, you’re heartbroken. I understand. But enough is enough. I’m the tough love brigade, here to pull you out of your funk.’ Savvy looked at me with a steely eye as she sat at my kitchen table and pushed out the chair next to her.
‘Not much of a brigade,’ I grouched, sipping at my coffee. ‘I’m definitely broken, because if I wasn’t, I’d care about looking like this in front of you.’
/> I splayed my hands and then sat down, finding a biscuit in my pocket. I did at least have the decency not to eat it. I’d wait until Savvy had gone.
‘Also, I’m here to talk business.’
I laughed. ‘Don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m not very good at that.’
‘Don’t be a big baby.’ Savvy narrowed her eyes, tugging at her pink-tipped hair. She looked sweet but strong in a white summer dress and silver Converse trainers. I noticed a thin tattoo on the inside of her left forearm, a bow and arrow with a glint of gold in the tip. Things really had changed.
‘You going to listen to what I have to say?’
I shrugged. ‘Sure, darling, nothing to lose, after all.’
‘You know that Milo and I have been looking into setting up a tapas bar. We’d thought Barcelona originally, then Portugal, then, somehow, Slovenia. But nothing was right. Nothing ever matched up to the Martini Club. I couldn’t love anything like I loved it. It was home.’
‘And now it’s gone,’ I added, pointlessly.
‘It’s not completely gone.’
‘It’s dust and soot and burnt, wet sadness.’ I was nonsensical, like a whinging child making up sentences.
Savvy leaned in and clicked her fingers in front of my face. ‘Bel, wake up and pay attention. I want to go into business with you.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I want to bring the Martini Club back, and better than ever, but I also want to bring my own flair to the menu, and break out on my own.’ Savvy was in full-on sell mode, and I struggled to keep up with her.
‘And what about Milo? Weren’t you meant to be doing this with him?’
She grinned. ‘That’s where it gets interesting. I’m still going to open a place with Milo. He’ll help with the set-up stuff here first. He got his degree, he knows all about the accounts, everything about set-up, he’ll make sure everything’s shipshape.’