by Ami Snow
I couldn’t believe how receptive she’d been to it. I’d been expecting horror, refusal, a need for me to go into lengthy and deep explanations as to why I’d possibly want her to participate in something so depraved. But just after that short conversation, a few explanations on my part, she’d been willing to try. It made my feelings go from confusing to crystal clear. She was accepting of me. Willing to see if she’d enjoy the things that made sex go from ordinary to mind-blowing.
Although, to be fair, sex with Elizabeth had always been pretty mind-blowing. Only pure sexual frustration had driven me to seek out Anne—I’d have been perfectly happy to keep sleeping with Elizabeth the entire time.
I wondered if I should call her, ask her to dinner that night. Was it too much? Too needy on my part to want to see her again so soon? I wanted to say things to her that I knew it was too soon to say.
By the end of the work day, I’d gotten myself fairly agitated. I left the office, opting to walk home instead of taking a taxi. It was a lovely day, and I was enjoying the fresh air. I stopped at a roadside food truck to get something light to eat, and that was when I saw her.
Elizabeth.
She was standing across the street, holding the door of a coffee shop open. And just behind her, following her through the open door, was the lumberjack-looking fellow that she’d been seeing when she was still an intern. I felt rage, hot and sharp, rise up, and I wanted nothing more than to dart across the street and demand an explanation.
I didn’t. I stood there, seething, and watched them walk out onto the sidewalk. I watched him reach for her hand and she didn’t pull away. I watched him say something, and her head fell back with laughter, the sound of it faintly reaching me.
I felt betrayed, as if I’d just caught her cheating on me, having some lurid affair. But it couldn’t be farther from the truth. We hadn’t made any promises to each other, there was nothing exclusive about our relationship. Hell, before she’d left, I’d been fucking Anne at the same time I was trying to convince Elizabeth that it was okay to fuck me. I wasn’t sure that she’d be all that thrilled about that information. It was foolish of me to be so hurt by the sight of her getting coffee with that boy. But I was.
The voice of the vendor interrupted my thoughts, asking irritably if I was ready to order something. I shook my head and waved him off, continuing my walk towards my house, my stride now tense and angry. I wanted to confront her. But I didn’t know how or when I should. I knew I would have to say something, or it would come out on its own, bubbling up and possibly making the situation worse.
I got to the elevator of my building and was grateful that no one else came on as the doors shut. I was wholly unsuitable for company at this point. The ridiculous thing was that as angry as I was—even if it was irrationally so—I still wanted her desperately. Maybe even more than I had this afternoon, now that someone else was vying for her attentions. I wanted her in the elevator with me at that moment, so that I could push her up against the wall, pinning her against me and kissing her, inciting that flush of desire that I knew would follow it, that moment where she abandoned her worries about what she should be doing and only did what she wanted to do. I loved it when she lost control. I loved that I could make her lose control.
I was beginning to think that I simply loved her.
Ellie
It was probably not in my best judgement to call up Brian and ask him to get coffee. I think he knew what I really meant, and he agreed quickly, suggesting we meet up at the shop down the street from my house about five p.m. I hung up the phone with some trepidation, wondering what kind of girl it made me that I’d had furious, deviant sex with the CEO of my company this afternoon, and was now planning on enticing the man I’d been casually seeing in addition to him to my apartment this evening for sex again? I was hoping that it would give me some kind of an idea as to what I should do when I eventually was made to make up my mind between the two—or for none at all—as I knew was coming. I couldn’t waffle between them forever.
So, maybe sex with Brian so close on the heels of passionate sex with Ethan was just what I needed to make up my mind. With the memory of our tryst so fresh in my head, I couldn’t help but compare. And that comparison might make a difference.
That was how I excused it to myself, anyway. I got dressed casually for the coffee date, trying to downplay it so that it didn’t seem like a big deal. I threw on jeans and a black t-shirt, a pair of striped Toms and pulled my hair back into a ponytail. I didn’t bother with makeup other than one coat of mascara and a swipe of lip balm. I wanted to appear casual and relaxed, even if I felt anything other than relaxed right now.
Brian was already at the coffee shop when I got there, even though I was a little early. His enthusiasm made me feel a little ashamed of my plan. He was clearly happy to see me, and while I was genuinely happy to see him as well, the subterfuge underneath it made me feel as if I was doing something bad.
If I was being honest, though, I’d been comparing him to Ethan ever since we’d started seeing each other. The comparisons were sometimes in Brian’s favor—his niceness, his lack of pushiness, the sense of comfort I felt around him. But when it came to desire, and passion, nothing could compare to Ethan. It occurred to me that making this decision on the basis of sex, then, maybe wasn’t the best plan.
But I was here.
We got coffee, and sat and talked. His brewery was doing well, and the investor he’d been talking to the night of the event was putting some serious cash into his business. They were looking at expanding into a small “backyard pub”, where customers could sit and drink outdoors in the nicer months. He was clearly excited about it. He asked about how my job was going, if I was enjoying it. It was the kind of small talk I never had with Ethan, and I couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or not. Did I want this kind of average relationship, where we talked about our day to day minutiae over cups of coffee or beers? Or did I want the kind of up-against-the-wall, fervent, heated passion that I had with Ethan? Why did they seem to be so mutually exclusive?
I sighed, and when Brian noticed and asked if I was alright, I brushed it off as tiredness. “It’s a good thing we got coffee, then,” he quipped, and I laughed in response, but it was half-hearted. Maybe the idea had been a bad one. I was starting to just want to go home, put on something comfortable, maybe read a book. The idea of sex with Brian wasn’t doing it for me right now. I tried to think, quickly, if I’d have the same reaction if Ethan was the one sitting across from me.
I knew that I wouldn’t. I knew that I’d be going home with him, no matter my mood. But was that a reasonable basis for choosing to exclusively be with him? Ethan would see it that way. I needed to make up my mind for myself, though. Maybe a night alone was a better way to do that.
Our coffees finished, we returned the cups to the barista and headed out of the door. I held it open for Brian, and we walked out into the sunshine. He reached for my hand, and I didn’t take it away. I felt that in a different situation, one where I’d never met Ethan, we could have been happy together. We could have gone back to my apartment and maybe not even had sex, just enjoyed an evening together, reading side by side or watching a movie. Meeting Ethan had spoiled all of that for me. I would have to see it through to the end. I would have to know what it would be like with Ethan, even if it didn’t work, I would always wonder, if I ended it now. My peaceful life with Brian…or whoever…wouldn’t be peaceful. I would need to get through this with Ethan before I could choose to go the other way.
Or maybe Ethan and I would be happy. Maybe when we’d gotten the first wave of passion out of our systems, when we’d had the chance to spend whole nights tangled up together and then falling asleep side by side…maybe then passion would give way to something deeper and we would find out that there was a real possibility there.
Right now there was no way to know. And that was why I had to find out.
Brian and I stopped in front of my building. He looked at me, cl
early wondering if I was going to ask him up. I wavered for one moment. It would be so easy to take him upstairs, fall into bed with him, and stop thinking altogether. But I knew it wasn’t the right way to handle it.
So I leaned up and gave him a quick kiss, pressing my lips against his, soft and warm and so willing, and when I pulled back, I smiled. “It’s been a long day, Brian. I’m really tired, more tired than I thought. I think I’m just going to head in for the night.”
He nodded. “Okay. Thanks for getting coffee with me.”
“It was nice,” I replied. No promise of doing it again. No hope for the future. At this point, I was almost certain that there wasn’t one.
He hugged me, and then waved as he headed down the sidewalk. I trudged up the steps to my building, and rode the elevator up to my apartment, glad once I had shut the door and was alone. The silence felt welcoming. I was getting tired of the back and forth, of the demands of shuffling between Ethan and Brian. Having made a decision to see this…thing…through with Ethan, I felt relieved, and a little sad. I knew that if things didn’t work out with Ethan, Brian wouldn’t be an option anymore. He’d have found another girlfriend, or he’d be angry that I’d dropped off the map, or he’d figure out that he was the second choice and be hurt. I knew I would be, in his position. And even though I was looking forward to seeing what would happen with Ethan, it made me sad to know that I’d never know what a future with Brian might be like. I’d never spend quiet nights in with him or nights roaming around D.C. or wake up on a lazy Sunday morning with him.
I changed into a pair of soft sweatpants, a t-shirt and a cashmere cardigan that I’d bought with my first paycheck, exultant to finally have extra money to spend. I had to admit, I didn’t regret the purchase a bit. It was soft, warm, and perfect to wrap around myself when I crawled into my armchair and opened up the book I’d started.
I was about halfway through when a hard knock came at my door. I jumped a little, startled. Who could possibly be here right now? I checked my watch: it was almost eight p.m. I got up, setting my book aside, and walked to the door. When I opened it, I couldn’t believe my eyes.
Chapter 2
Ethan
I couldn’t read her expression when she opened the door. Her eyes were wide, clearly I’d startled her. Good. I wanted her to be off-kilter when I brought up Brian…yes, that was the kid’s name, Brian. I wanted her reaction to be authentic. I wanted to know how she truly felt about me, about him—about the whole situation.
“Can I come in?” I asked. God she looked gorgeous, even with her hair up, in sweatpants and a cardigan. I wanted her right then, wanted to grab her and pull her to me, kiss her and run my fingers through her hair until it fell down piece by piece and then I wanted to have her right there, on the rug by her bed that still smelled new. I had to remind myself that I was here for reasons other than sex.
Although if it ended with sex, that wouldn’t be so bad.
“Sure,” she said, seeming to recover a little from the surprise. She stepped back from the door, holding it open. I walked through it, and she let it shut, and turned to face me.
“Ethan. What are you doing here?”
“You don’t sound happy to see me.”
“A phone call might have been nice. Even a text.”
“You might have told me not to come.”
“So you thought just showing up on my doorstep was a better idea?”
I took a step forward. “It was better than hearing you tell me not to come.”
“What made you think I would tell you not to come?”
I breathed in. Maybe now was the time to say it. “You might have been with him.”
I saw her face tense. I’d been right, then. There was something going on between them. “What the hell, Elizabeth? You’re still seeing him?”
“This is what you came over to ask me about?”
“I saw you with him today, across the street. At the coffee shop.”
“Like you ‘saw’ me with him at the deli? Are you seriously stalking me?”
“No,” I sighed. “It really was coincidental. But you aren’t denying it.”
“Because it’s none of your business, Ethan! You aren’t my boyfriend! I can see who I want!”
“Well, maybe we need to change that!”
I saw her sharp intake of breath. “I want this to be real, Elizabeth. I want us to be real. I want more than what we’ve had so far. I want to really try.”
I couldn’t read her face. I couldn’t tell if she was happy, or angry, or sad. I couldn’t tell if she wanted this or not.
“You should have called,” she said again. “What if I had been with Brian? Were you just going to barge in and pull him off of me?”
I stared at her, unsure what to say after that.
“You’ve got to learn some boundaries, Ethan. You can’t just start barging in whenever you want.”
“I needed to talk to you.”
“Because you thought I was seeing Brian? That was so upsetting to you that you had to show up at my door without any warning?”
“Yes!”
“Why on earth?” She was fuming now, I could tell.
“Because I love you, Elizabeth!” I shouted it, unable to handle the direction the conversation was taking any longer.
We both stood absolutely frozen for a moment. I, because I couldn’t believe that I’d blurted it out so abruptly, and she out of pure shock. Her face looked a little pale.
“I’m sorry,” I stammered. “That wasn’t how I meant to say it.”
“But you mean it.” Her voice was even, I couldn’t tell how this was all going to turn out. There was no inflection of emotion in her voice either way.
I took a deep breath and thought for a hard moment about what to say next. Did I mean it? Did I truly love her? I honestly wasn’t sure what had brought on the rush of emotion, I’d only really accepted that I felt this way today. But if I looked back, I thought the feelings had been there for some time.
I just hadn’t wanted to admit it.
“Yes,” I said. “I mean it. I do, Elizabeth. I wish it had come out at a better time, in a different way. But I do love you.”
She let out a breath that she seemed to have been holding, long and slow, her arms still crossed over her chest. “I can’t say it back yet, Ethan. It’s too soon.”
“I know. I didn’t expect you to.”
She took a step closer. I could smell her perfume, something light and floral, with a hint of musk underneath it. Soft and sexy. I wanted to reach out and pull her to me. Not yet, I thought. Don’t rush her.
“Today,” she said, taking a shaky breath, “I was going to bring Brian back here. I was going to sleep with him.”
“Have you slept with him since you’ve been back?” I demanded, hot jealousy surging up. I hated the thought of her with anyone else.
She glared at me. “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes. I was confused, Ethan. He’s so different from you. Gentle, where you aren’t. Steady, and comfortable.”
“He doesn’t make you feel the way I do,” I said, my voice lowering an octave. I took a step closer to her, I couldn’t help it. “I know he doesn’t.”
“No. He doesn’t,” she admitted. “But he makes me feel things that you don’t, too. It’s…different. I needed to make up my mind. So I was going to sleep with him today. To see how I felt then versus…earlier.”
“And you didn’t?”
“No,” she said, and I felt a jolt of relief. “I realized that I needed to see this through…us…whatever we are. I needed to find out if we could work…if we really tried. Give it a real chance.”
I was dumbfounded. I’d come over here, guns blazing, furious, and yet she was already ready to move forward with me…even if she wasn’t quite to the point I was yet. I felt a rush of emotion, and I couldn’t help myself. I stepped forward and reached for her, my hands on her waist, pulling her towards me.
She didn’t resist in the sl
ightest. If anything, she came with me eagerly, her body molding against mine as I bent my head and kissed her. Her lips were warm and pliable undermine, parting effortlessly as I swept my tongue across the seam of her mouth. She tasted of mint with a hint of sweet—had she been drinking tea? Her tongue pressed against mine, and a shock of lust swept through my body. Her hands were on my arms, fingers digging into the muscle, and I shivered a little, reaching up to pull the tie free of her hair.
It tumbled down her back, full and loose and a little wavy. I’d never seen it like this before, not straightened for going out or work, and I felt a pulse of delight at the novelty of it. It felt good running through my fingers, soft and smelling faintly of apples. Her hips rocked against mine and I could feel myself hardening in response, aching for her already. I could make it hot and fast or I could draw it out, and at the moment I didn’t know which I wanted more. I simply wanted her.
She nudged me backwards, towards the bed, and I tried to collect my thoughts. This was where I made up my mind…did I let her run the show tonight, or was I going to give her another taste of the things I desired from her?
I decided to make it a little of both. I let her direct me for the moment, sitting back on the mattress as she bent over me, her mouth still on mine, tongue exploring as she ran her hands down my arms, grasped my wrists for a moment, tangled her fingers with mine, pulling my hands free of her hair. She reached down for the hem of my shirt, pulling it over my head, and when she’d tossed it aside she took a step back, shrugging her cardigan off. With a swift motion, she pulled her shirt over her head, and my cock rocketed to full hardness when I saw that she hadn’t been wearing anything underneath. She sank to her knees then, pushing my legs apart, and she grasped my thighs as she leaned forward, her mouth making a slow trail down my chest, her tongue flicking out against my nipple.