King Arthur’s Sister
in Washington’s Court
by Mark Twain
as channeled by
Kim Iverson Headlee
Copyright ©2014
by Kim Headlee
All rights reserved
Cover Art copyright ©2014 by Jennifer Doneske
Published by Lucky Bat Books
ISBN-10: 1-939-05172-X
ISBN-13: 978-1-939051-72-1
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form, with the exception of brief excerpts for the purpose of review. This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
License Notes
This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be resold. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use, then please purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
The Queen Visits Her Brother
Contents
List of Illustrations
Preface
A Word of Explanation
Chapter I: Crownsville
Chapter II: King Henry’s Court
Chapter III: Knights of Crownsville
Chapter IV: Sir Kay and the Man Who Would Be Boss
Chapter V: An Inspiration
Chapter VI: The Eclipse
Chapter VII: The Tower
Chapter VIII: The Boss
Chapter IX: The Tournament
Chapter X: Beginning to Change Civilization
Chapter XI: The Queen in Search of a Baseball Club
Chapter XII: Slow Torture
Chapter XIII: Free Agents!
Chapter XIV: Defend the Banner!
Chapter XV: Sandy’s Statistics
Chapter XVI: Morgan le Fay
Chapter XVII: A Baseball Banquet
Chapter XVIII: In the Queen’s Dungeons
Chapter XIX: Baseball as a Trade
Chapter XX: The Ogres’ Stadium
Chapter XXI: The Pilgrims
Chapter XXII: The Crocodiles
Chapter XXIII: Restoration of the Team
Chapter XXIV: A Rival Player
Chapter XXV: A Competitive Examination
Chapter XXVI: The President in the Newspaper
Chapter XXVII: The President and the Queen Travel Cognito
Chapter XXVIII: Drilling the President
Chapter XXIX: The Smallpox Hut
Chapter XXX: The Tragedy of the Big House
Chapter XXXI: Marco
Chapter XXXII: Dowley’s Humiliation
Chapter XXXIII: Twenty-first Century Political Economy
Chapter XXXIV: Slavery as a Career
Chapter XXXV: A Pitiful Incident
Chapter XXXVI: An Encounter in the Dark
Chapter XXXVII: An Awful Predicament
Chapter XXXVIII: Sandy and the Lawyers to the Rescue
Chapter XXXIX: The Knights’ Fight with the Yankees
Chapter XL: Three Years Later
Chapter XLI: The Dictum
Chapter XLII: War!
Chapter XLIII: The Battle on the Salisbury Plain
Chapter XLIV: A Postscript by the Scribe
Final P.S. by C.C.
About the Ghost’s Writer
List of Illustrations
All art is copyright ©2014 by Jennifer Doneske and Tom Doneske, except where noted.
The Queen Visits Her Brother (Frontispiece) by Jennifer Doneske
Mark Twain’s signature, public domain
A very Angel of Death by Jennifer Doneske
The Original Boss’s Twin by Tom Doneske
“Ambrose Hinton, scratch thyself.” by Tom Doneske
“I made Malory vow not to spend, as President, more than her country’s annual income.” by Tom Doneske
Rolling Heads (“At the Twelfth Repetition They Fell Apart in Chunks” by Daniel Carter Beard for A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court by Mark Twain, 1889, page 275, public domain)
“Mr. Carter, you are fired.” by Tom Doneske
Morganna Hanks, Owner of the London Knights by Jennifer Doneske, the Royal Portraitist
Mrs le Fay (detail from “Mrs le Fay” plate illustration by Daniel Carter Beard for A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court by Mark Twain, 1889, page 187, public domain)
“I could have enchanted a herd of hogs.” by Tom Doneske, the Creature King
Wretched Sanctuary by Tom Doneske
Again…alas. by Tom Doneske
The Hive (detail from “The Church Puts Its Foot In It” illustration by Daniel Carter Beard for A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court by Mark Twain, 1889, page 565, public domain)
“No mercy here.” by Jennifer Doneske
“I sacked the manager and his accountant on the spot.” by Tom Doneske
“I knew the terror of my dungeon’s denizens.” by Jennifer Doneske
“I never forgave myself.” by Jennifer Doneske
“Arthur, I have ever so much to explain to thee…” by Jennifer Doneske
The pen is mightier than… (“Non-indexed Image” by Daniel Carter Beard for A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court by Mark Twain, 1889, page 432, public domain)
Preface
I’M GIVEN TO understand some of my posthumous critics have intimated that I was jealous of Jules Verne—that maybe I even felt threatened by him. I have never heard such cocky popping beetle dung in my entire death.
Verne was a hack of the First Order whose publisher (engaged after he had inflicted two decades of the most unengaging whining and pleading, pining and wheedling upon all the other High Lords of Bookdom) viewed it necessary to transform his dyspeptic drivel into something within shouting distance of palatability for the reading public. Jules Verne didn’t invent science fiction; his publisher, Pierre-Jules Hetzel, did,—and I’m sorry I wasn’t born a couple of decades sooner to save everyone the time, trouble, and confusion.
As for this book, here I confess it’s long past overdue. I buried one clue in the joined opposites of Hank Morgan, Technology-Wielder, and Morgan le Fay, Magic-Wielder. Furthermore, Mrs. le Fay was the only important character in A Connecticut Yankee whom I didn’t kill off, of the thousands I did lasso, hang, shoot, electrocute, explode, drown, torpedo, and otherwise murder. Unfortunately, certain Weightier Matters contravened my intent, and I never put pen to parchment to commence the duologue’s conclusion within my lifetime. That nobody acted upon my clues in the hundred years since my sadly unexaggerated demise, speaks to the fact that I’ve been waiting till I’m well and truly dead before whispering my words into the quick and able ear of my chosen Ghost-Writer. For the matters depicted herein, of course, are things which ought to be settled. I don’t have anything else in particular to do in eternity anyway.
upon the occasion of my 175th birthday
WYTHEVILLE, VA, November 30, 2010
P.S. by K.I.H. For decades I’ve admired Verne’s ability in Michael Strogoff to transport the reader to nineteenth-century Tsarist Russia, especially considering the author never stepped on the steppes. Yet Twain/Clemens still selected me for this project. Go figure.
A Word of Explanation
IT IS WITH heaviest of hearts and gravest of purposes that I discharge the duty of writing this account of the fate of my sovereign mistress, Queen Morgan. May she find solace and blessed peace, wherever she has gone.
The queen received a vision of what was to be
fall her brother King Arthur in his final battle with Sir Mordred. Her Majesty deigned not to reveal to me the details of this vision, only that she must hasten to the Salisbury Plain.
Such was her seeming alarm at these as yet untranspired events that she eschewed the customary proprieties and mustered some guards, what small few of her maidservants could sit a palfrey, and me, her humble scribe, to accompany her on this journey. The queen looked beautiful yet grim, bedecked in a gown of deepest midnight black, cloaked and hooded, a very Angel of Death.
Death, indeed, we saw in terrible abundance when, breathless from the pell-mell ride, at last we reached the battlefield. In the pallor of advancing dusk, our eyes surveyed carnage from horizon to horizon, the bodies of men and horses rising like myriad islands in a sea of blood; what survivors there might have been had already escaped, the scavenger birds had flown to roost, and doubtless the corpse-robbers were yet awaiting full dark to begin their godless task. What greeted the queen upon her arrival was the acrid stench of smoke and death, and a great, grave silence.
Queen Morgan gazed about, her head moving slowly this way and that, until of a sudden she must have espied that which she sought, whipped her mount into a gallop, and careened into the valley, leaving her escort to follow as best we might.
The queen halted at a sharp bend of the River Cam, where grew a lone oak whose branches overspread a pair of armored men, one kneeling beside the other, who lay propped against the oak’s trunk. The kneeling knight I recognized by his shield’s device as Sir Bedivere. Upon the ground beside the other knight lay a helmet from whose crest glinted in the torchlight a golden circlet; or rather, the circlet’s remains. Closer inspection revealed the circlet hewn in twain. A mortal blow, thought I, and yet the wounded knight, my lady queen’s sovereign brother, was still on life, though only just; he moaned and swooned, while Sir Bedivere swabbed and bound the royal brow with linen torn asunder from his surcoat’s hem.
Into this piteous scene stepped Queen Morgan, calling for her herbs and simples to be brought forth. Of her purpose I knew not, though as her scribe I am passing fair acquainted with the ponderous and bitter history ’twixt herself and the man in whose veins coursed the blood of Queen Morgan’s mother but not her father. ’Tis neither my intent nor duty to judge; howbeit, if one might suspect the queen had bethought herself to redress certain wrongs committed upon her person, one might not stand far from the truth.
Be it as it may, the queen’s command must be obeyed, for disobedience earns death, as I have observed and heretofore recorded on many a grim occasion, and so her ladies procured the needful potions and bore them to our royal mistress with all haste. Other of her servants she set to the task of gathering peat and wood with which to build a fire nigh the wounded man.
Of the mighty Sir Bedivere, he left his liege’s side but once, upon some errand of unknown shape and import, bearing the king’s own magnificent Excalibur. I like to have fallen down in sheer amazement at that, all the more so when Sir Bedivere returned, some while later, with Excalibur nowhere to be seen, and the king becalmed by his knight’s report.
Forgive me, I beseech of thee; my thoughts outfly my pen, which must chronicle these events in their rightful and proper progression.
All the while Sir Bedivere tarried upon his errand, the fire blazed higher and hotter, coaxed thus by machinations of my lady queen’s doing. She incanted over the blaze in a tongue I know not, and triumph gleamed from her countenance. At the flames’ highest pinnacle, there came a mighty crash like unto thunder, and a flash so bright it rendered me senseless.
I recovered my wits to the feel of someone jostling my shoulder. Fearful for my queen’s safety, I arose and gazed about, and lo! There stood her Majesty as before, yet not as before.
She appeared as comely and regal as ever, with nary a blemish to mar the flawless perfection of her beauty, and yet her countenance seemed reserved, concerned, mayhap—dare I say?—worried. As she turned toward her brother, the hand she laid upon his bandaged brow seemed tender, yea, even loving. What manner of miracle had wrought such a change over a lifetime of rankle, who could say? With her other hand she grasped a tome that I recognized not, bound not in leather and boards but between thin-hammered sheets of a fey, dark metal whose like I had never seen upon this earth. It shaded from blue to purple to black to blue, over and over again, the bands of color writhing serpentine and uncanny across its surface in succession as the tome reflected the fire’s light.
’Twas then Queen Morgan espied me and beckoned me closer. The tome, she insisted, contained the chronicle, written in her own hand, of all the events that had transpired while she was absent from our company. Still befuddled of thought, I began to protest that her absence had been but a few moments; but of a sudden, remembering me to whom I spoke, I desisted at once, lest I regret my outburst.
Rather than waxing wroth, as I had feared, the queen laughed, as if I had regaled her with the most sublime of jests. She placed the tome into my trembling hands and bade me swear that I would render all these events, paying most especial attention to those written within the tome, even should I not comprehend all. She said—
“For ’tis a caution of great import for all time to come.”
What scribe worth his salt could refuse such a task?
Thus, with my oath to her duly sworn, she turned to her men-at-arms and ordered them to strip the ruined battle-wagons of timbers and rope, and build a raft. Its purpose I knew not, nor cared I not, for at that moment I opened the tome.
If its pages were fashioned of parchment, ’twas the most wondrously smooth, thin, supple, and blindingly white parchment that ever had been wrought. Black, flowing script of the most handsome quality greeted my eyes and ensnared my thoughts from the very first word, and I became engrossed in:
QUEEN MORGAN’S HISTORY
ALL CALL ME Queen. For my unparalleled skills in leechcraft, most call me “The Wise.” No man dares call me “le Fay,” lest he die.
I hight Morgan.
That is to say, my name is Morgan, so chosen by my mother, Duchess Igraine, to honor the Great Queen of the Old Religion, Mór Rigan, goddess of war. My mother never knew how prophetic her choice would prove to be.
I am the daughter of Duke Gorlois, the sister of Queen Margawse and Queen Elaine, the wife of King Uriens of Gore, and the mother of Sir Uwaine of the Table Round. Blessed good fortune made me all of these things.
By the capricious hand of ill fortune, King Arthur became my younger half brother, spawned upon my most virtuous and blameless mother by that demon in man’s raiment, Uther Pendragon.
I despised Arthur from the very hour of his birth.
Our history, Arthur’s and mine, is recorded in copious detail elsewhere: his command to Merlin to inflict an enchanted brand upon my person as eternal punishment for my role in assisting Uriens and the other eleven kings in battle against him at the commencement of his reign; his gifting to me of a castle near Camelot and his subsequent—and failed, every one—attempts to win it back through force of arms; his murdering of my beloved Sir Accolon; my acquisition of Excalibur’s scabbard; and my sundry—and failed, all save the last—attempts to open his eyes to the treason of Launcelot and Guenever. I had no reason to love Arthur, nor he me, and every person of every caste living on the isle of Britain knew it.
Thus it should come as no surprise to any reader of these words that I arrived after the battle on the Salisbury Plain intending to assist my half brother from this life with all haste, thereby to aid my nephew Sir Mordred in claiming the throne.
Imagine my utter shock and despair at finding my dearest sister’s son already slain and my wretched brother so far gone of his mortal wound that nothing of my devising could have hurried his demise; ’twas nigh unbearable.
Being deprived of the long-cherished target for my rage, I cast about in my mind for another target and soon had the right of it: the uncouth and irksome stranger Hank Morgan, called by many “Boss.” The fact that he an
d I share a name remains a source of shame for me.
In quick succession, The Boss—a title he won in his future era, so my court spies informed me—had insinuated himself into my brother’s trust, became the second-most powerful man in the land, and then tried with his sorcerous meddling to effect so-called improvements in our daily lives. The Boss had encouraged slaves to revolt and peasants to view themselves far more highly than they ought, mocked and derided goodly servants of the Church, set free dangerous criminals, and fashioned weapons of the most deadly and unnatural sort. For these crimes, and more besides, The Boss deserved death.
A very Angel of Death
However, I knew The Boss to be occupied in France with his wife, venturing to restore their young daughter to health. Having no desire to inflict harm upon the Lady Alisande or her child, I resolved to try a conjurement the likes of which I had never before attempted, devastating and yet perfectly suited to my needs.
Thus with Arthur’s sole companion Sir Bedivere questing to return Excalibur to the Lady of the Lake, I ordered my servants to light a fire and bring my herbs. After these preparations were accomplished to the fullest extent of my command, I began to summon the forces for the working of my enchantment.
’Tis not for the uninitiated to be privy to the details of this incantation, save only that its effect was terrible in its power…yea, I confess, far more than I had envisioned.
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