The Price of Desire

by PE Kavanagh

  I watched them all shuffle out of the room. The only one looking back was Lizzy whose face was filled with pleading and despair.

  “Please, Nik. Just listen to him.”

  I had to look away from her, in order to stay calm.

  We didn’t speak for several minutes. A torrent of emotion on the verge of breaking pressed me and I just needed to keep the whole thing contained. I’d shed so many tears over this man already. No more.

  Marco stood up, walked around the table and sat next to me. Where Sam had been.

  His voice shook as he began to speak. “When I saw you at the airport, just smiling and daydreaming, something happened to me. And then our weekend together was something out of a fairy tale. I still don't understand how it was all possible but I couldn’t deny it. And I was going to do everything in my power to keep you around.

  I didn't abandon you, but I know why you say that. You thought I lied to you, and chose someone else over you. I didn't handle the whole thing well. I know. It was stupid and I made this happen. This whole mess.

  But I can't accept that you don't want to be with me. I think that's a lie. You're scared. I get it. But everything that happened between us was true. Everything I said to you about how I feel, is true.”

  I looked up at him for the first time. Was he crying?

  The dam broke and all my composure washed away on a river of tears. All the hurt I’d been trying to contain, just to keep going, flooded out of me. I couldn’t even think about composure. I was taken down and under.

  He tried to put his arms around me, to comfort me, but I pushed him away. I couldn’t get up, but I moved myself to the far end of the couch away from him, put my head down and cried. I imagined he would just tire of this scene and leave. But he stayed, inching himself closer to me.

  I was so tired, drained by the act of holding up an empty body all this time without him. I was tired of pretending that everything was fine and I was just as competent and content as ever. I was tired of being the liar.

  Marco put his hand on my back, then slowly moved it around my waist and pulled me into him. I was too exhausted to resist. The tears kept flowing as he whispered, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Bella. I’m so sorry.”

  Although pain still coursed through my body, I finally felt like I could breathe again. As if I had come out from dark cold water into the warmth and the light. It felt right to be in his arms. I couldn’t deny it, even though I want to.

  On a stream of tears, the words began to flow. “It was like a fairy tale, Marco. How we met and the time we spent together. It was perfect. But nothing's perfect and all my ideas about it being too good to be true were right. You have this whole other life, with another woman and you didn't tell me. You let me believe that... it was something else with us. But it isn't. You are with her in a very intimate way.”

  He moved me slightly away from him so he could look at my face. Shaking his head, he said, “I am with Carla because I promised. And I want to be there for her. I am with her as you would be with Emile, if he needed you.”

  “Emile and I did not have that kind of relationship.”

  “But you were lovers. And you love each other. What's the difference?”

  Nora had said the same thing to me, and I hated hearing it then as much as I hated hearing it at from him.

  “I told you about Emile, even though I didn't have to. My relationship with him was never a threat to you.”

  “You know that, but did I? All I could see was this man, who you call your best friend, who you had also been sleeping with. How do you think that sounds, from my perspective? Quite bad, right? But you know that it is different than how it sounds. And I trust you.”

  The sword entered and turned an inch. I had to close my eyes to absorb my foolishness. He was right. And yet when we were arguing he never threw that in my face, my blatant hypocrisy. Another quarter turn of the blade.

  I needed to go somewhere else. Away from this disgrace. “How is Carla doing?”

  The question surprised him. “Things are not going well. But she is so strong. I don't really know what to expect, and the doctors don't have anything useful to say. How are you doing? How have you been?”

  Strong Monique was finding her way back. I sat up straighter. “I’m okay. It's been very busy, with the magazine and the restaurant and the girls. We're getting Lizzy ready for the baby, too. But that's been nice. Something to look forward to.”

  “And how are you?” he asked again.

  His voice was like a truth serum. “It's been... very hard, Marco. I couldn't believe that my worst nightmares had come true. It was devastating. But I’m strong too, and I can just keep going.”

  “Without me?”

  Chapter Twenty

  Truth Prevails

  “Yes.” I steadied my voice as well as I could.

  “I see.”

  Silence.

  “What if I can't keep going without you? What if I just don't want to? What if I know that we are supposed to be together as clearly as I know this is my right hand?” His voice cracked. “What can I do so you will believe me? How can I convince you that... I love you?”

  My heart skipped several beats.

  “And I believe you love me too. I can feel it in your body when we are together. We are like magnets, Monique. Can't you feel it?”

  “You don't know me. You don't know how I feel.”

  This made him angry. He got up off the couch and started pacing.

  “Maybe that's true. The way you're acting toward me now, certainly doesn't make sense. Are you really so scared of having someone know you and love you that you would push me away? You are foretelling your own fate.”

  “I didn't ask for this!” I yelled up at him, across the room.

  I heard myself speak and was disgusted by what was coming out of my mouth. When had I become such a victim? So pathetic?

  He stopped pacing. “Don't we all ask for love?”

  “I don't know.”

  “Yes you do! Monique, don't you think you were part of this? That your heart was part of this? Am I that crazy that I imagined what was happening between us? If you were not asking for my love, what were you doing? Playing with me? Just having a bit of fun?”

  “That's not fair.”

  “No, it's not. None of it is fair. We're not here because life is fair. We're here because we experienced something that happens so rarely among two human beings that it's nearly impossible. You make me feel like I made the whole thing up in my head. That it didn't really happen.”

  “Maybe it wasn't what we thought it was.” The lies continued to come out of me. Was I testing him, or myself?

  He sighed. “I can't make you love me. I can't make you be with me. You don't have to convince me how strong you are. I get it. You can do anything you want, you can have anything you want. What will you choose?”

  I looked at him. What would I choose? I knew that there was still anger in my face. It probably hurt him to look at me, but he held my gaze. He was strong, but I was stronger. I could make him suffer. I could make both of us suffer.

  Or I could choose something else.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  His face completely changed from anger to shock. “Why?” he asked.

  “I got blindsided by the situation with Carla. I don't blame you for not telling me. All I’ve shown you is what a hysterical woman I am, from the very beginning. Marco, I feel so ashamed at so much of what I’ve done. I was out of my mind, maybe. But that's no excuse. I wanted to punish you for not choosing me. For choosing her. And no matter how much it hurt me, I was going to hurt you back.

  I feel so vulnerable with you. And it scares the shit out of me. I made myself ripe for betrayal. Everything was surreal, and my reactions were not reasonable or rational. I just couldn't reconcile our time together in Vegas, then what happened when we came home.

  It's all so humiliating. That's the best word I can think of. The situation with Carla was the perfect ex
cuse.”

  “For what?”

  “For me to convince myself that I couldn’t possibly… that I had to leave before getting left. I just couldn't believe this would have a happy ending.”

  Marco listened and watched as he stood in front of the fireplace with his hands in his pockets. He looked like a confused little boy. My heart melted.

  “What do you want me to do, Monique? Just tell me. I’ll do it.”

  “I don't know.”

  “Please tell me.”

  “I don't know, Marco.”

  “You don't know? Really?” He was exasperated. For good reason.

  “I want you to be honest with me.” This was a good start.

  “I can do that. Even when it's hard.”

  He walked toward me. I stood up, not sure where the courage was coming from, but I said it – “I want you to love me.” There it was. Out in the open. Finally.

  Marco took a long slow breath. I hoped he was taking it in. “Do you want to love me back? Do you... love me back?”

  “Yes.” It had to come out. I couldn’t stop it.

  Neither of us moved. He put his head in his hands. I could hardly look at him, so scared of what his reaction would be. I was glad his face was hidden.

  “My God,” I heard him say. What did that mean? Had he not expected me to say yes? I wanted to dissolve into myself. Where could I hide?

  “Please don't hide. Not now.” I looked up to find him watching me. I couldn’t read what was on his face. Was it… sadness?

  “I’m not hiding Marco. I’m talking to you.”

  “Why does it scare you so much?”

  “Because it's overwhelming. And it's fast. And it's undeniable. Because I can pretend, but I can't hide.”

  Then it came rushing out of him. “I am so in love with you it intoxicates me. I walk around in this new world where everything is different, better, because of you. I miss you when we are apart and don't want to let go of you when we're together. If you just let me love you, and I promise I will do the best I can, I won't give you anything to be afraid of.”

  I walked over to him. He took my hands and put them to his chest, over his heart. “If we need to start over, I can do that.”

  “We don't need to start over. I don't want to start over. I want to start from here.”

  His lips lingered as he kissed my hands. “I was scared too... to tell you how I felt, because I knew it would scare you away. But I love you Monique. I love you...”

  I kissed his lips as he spoke. It felt like an eternity since I’d had his mouth on mine. The electricity was still there, just as I had remembered it. My body and my heart said yes to him, loud and clear. My mind whispered, love him.

  For a long time, we held each other, afraid to move too much. I missed him so much I could feel it in my bones and my flesh, as if blood began to flow again through my body. I wanted to stay there, in his arms, for the rest of eternity.

  Footsteps, then a small voice. “Can we come down now?”

  “Yes,” we said simultaneously.

  Lizzy saw us together and instantly started to cry. “Oh Nik, you did it! I’m so happy for you. You belong together. Everyone can see that. I love you too, Marco. I’m so glad you asked me for help. You two apart is like the sun and moon not speaking or something.”

  “I’m not sure the sun and moon have a speaking relationship, Lizzy,” from the voice of logic.

  “Nora!” scolded Sam.

  “Okay, okay. Just a joke. Who’s hungry?”

  I wasn’t hungry for food. I was full from the certainty of my being with Marco. Everything he said was right. Everything. I’d been too much of a coward to say, but knew was true.

  “You two might not be hungry now. But you should eat anyway. You might need a little cooling down,” Nora said with a raised eyebrow.

  “Yes, ma'am,” Marco said, obediently. Everyone laughed.

  It was nice to be together. All of us, except for Esteban, still in Los Angeles. Lizzy was going to see him in a few days and she couldn’t contain her excitement. I kept waiting to hear that they’d eloped, but they were actually taking it slow. Relatively for Lizzy, our ultra-romantic sister.

  Unlike my impetuous plunge, they’d not even slept together, and were waiting until after the baby was born. I admired the maturity of their relationship. I was supposed to be the big sister, but I’d acted the most childishly.

  We sat at the dinner table for hours, enjoying each other. Marco touched me the entire time, and didn’t let me out of his sight. Even when I had to go to the bathroom, he wanted to come in. I refused. He was seriously trying to make up for what happened.

  We didn’t talk about Carla, or what we were going to do about it, but I knew we could work it out. Together. That was a conversation for another day. That night was about enjoying our reunion.

  My sisters and Sam each took me to the side to apologize for what they’d done. They felt desperate and sad for me. My anger had dissolved, and I apologized for making it so hard for everyone. They promised no more interventions, and I promised no more cause.

  “Are you guys going to stay over?” asked Lizzy excitedly. “I am! You definitely should. Then Nik can make us her famous breakfast in the morning.”

  “Oh really?”

  “I think it sounds like a great idea. It's late and who wants to drive all the way back into the city?” said Marco.

  “Yay!” Lizzy exclaimed.

  “I suppose,” I said, pretending resignation. “Sam, did you stock the fridge?”

  “What do you think? I knew you were coming.”

  “I really wish you guys weren't so sneaky. It doesn't suit you,” I said with a smirk.

  We settled back into the living room, the men built a fire and Nora whipped up some hot chocolate with and without fortification.

  As the evening came to a close, the reality of the night brought back a nervousness I hadn’t felt in so long. I led Marco up to the guest room, the one I always stayed in, my body shaking as I thought of being with him. I hadn’t thought I would ever feel him next to me again.

  “Are you cold?”

  “No. Not really. I think I’m nervous.”

  “Me too.”

  I was shocked to hear him say that. I’d been so absorbed in what a big deal this was for me, that I’d forgotten that he was going through the same thing.

  “I missed you so much Monique. I felt like a broken man. And I didn't know how things were going to go tonight. I didn't know if you would ever forgive me, or want to be with me again.”

  “I didn't either. Thank you for not giving up. I know it would have been so easy to walk away from me – all my messiness, and craziness. To imagine yourself so much better off. I wouldn't have blamed you.”

  “I wish you could see what I see, Nik. I don't see a crazy lady. I see someone whose heart is so big that sometimes it feels like too much. But it's not too much for me. I want all of you, remember?”

  It was going to take me a long time to unravel what happened that night. How I cracked the armor around my heart and began to feel again. Maybe it would remain a mystery, like the magic that happened in Las Vegas.

  I wrapped my arms around him. “Let's go to bed.”

  “I thought you’d never ask.”

  We moved as if for the first time, tentative and watchful. Marco spoke to me the whole time, making sure I was okay. When he entered me, we both stopped.

  “Monique, my love, I need you to trust me, okay? I know I screwed up, and gave you reason to doubt me, but I promise I will do everything to make sure that never happens again. But I need to know you’re with me. I don’t think I could take…”

  “I know, Marco. I know.” I could hardly stand to see the sadness on his face. “I love you. And I trust you. With everything I have.”

  He moved gently, and the shell broke irreversibly. Don't be the idiot that ever lets this man go again, I heard inside my head.

  We were clumsy and silly and in love. Ther
e was nothing perfect about our lovemaking other than that we were sharing the experience together. We fit together like magnets, just like he’d said that day at the pool, so long ago.

  I thought I would have been the first one up, but I found Sam already in the kitchen, making coffee.

  “Good morning sleeping beauty. Feeling better?”

  “Yes, thanks for asking. And next time you want to stage an intervention as an excuse for my sister to let you stay over, please use somebody else's life.”

  “Clearly, I’ll have to. I don't anticipate you're going to have any family-worthy drama anymore. But knowing you...”

  “You're such an asshole.”

  “That's why you love me.”

  “Somebody's got to.”

  “Yes, yes, I suppose that's true.”

  I did adore Sam. How straight he was with us and how kind.

  “Stop daydreaming, missy. You know how your family gets when they're hungry. You better start cooking.”

  “Ay ay, cap'n. Are you on toast duty, as usual?”

  “You got it.”

  Sam loved to cook and we made a great pair in the kitchen. He was also one of my biggest fans.

  The next set of footsteps - was it Nora or Marco? Definitely not Lizzy as she would easily sleep until the afternoon.

  It was Marco.

  “Good morning, mi amor,” he said after a lingering kiss. “Sam, how are you?”

  “Very well, my friend. Very well. And you?”

  “Aaaah, I believe somebody turned the world right-side up last night. Everything is perfect.”

  A smile took over my face. He always had the most beautiful things to say.

  I knew I still had some healing to do, and some forgiving of myself and Marco. I had behaved abominably. I accused him of all sorts of monstrosities but it was me who had grown the fangs and the tail.

  I got back to my cooking, but found it hard to participate in the festivities. Everyone was so happy that Marco and I had found our way back together. I was too, even though I knew we had a long way to go. I had a long way to go.

  “Another amazing breakfast, sis!”