I’ve never loved someone, and I feel like I’m falling, like I’m drowning in his tide. Most people would be scared, granted, I am too, but Clayton makes me happy. We’ve had our fair share of fights over the past couple of weeks, but we’ve found our common ground.
As my last week comes to an end, I feel the frustration at having to walk away from all this, even if it’s for a short time. Knowing I’ll see my parents again, I realize I’ll have to tell them what my plans are and that sets my anxiety levels on a peak that I know isn’t healthy for me.
“I don’t want to go back, but I need to make sure things are going to work out. If I don’t go back now, it might set the ball rolling and my boss will be here within the day to make sure you sign over everything to him.”
He nods in understanding but the pain in his emotion-filled eyes grip my heart. It’s difficult to breathe when I’m near him. My heart knows what it wants, and that’s Clayton Walker. I have no choice but to go back and sort out the shit storm that’s about to hit us both in very different ways.
When he releases me, I feel the loss of his comfort. As if he’s my rock and now I’m truly falling. Down the goddamn rabbit hole and nothing’s going to save me.
Pushing the door open to my apartment, I step inside. Immediately the emptiness of being back in the city I called home for so long. Sacramento only leaves me with sadness which seems to consume me. I miss Clay. Leaving my suitcase in the living room, I head into the kitchen and switch on the kettle.
The phone buzzing startles me and I pull it from my purse which is sitting on the counter. Checking the screen, I notice it’s my mother. I’ve asked for their help to allow me to use my trust fund to help Clayton.
I’m planning on investing in the ranch which will get them out of the red and once the business side is set up, it will easily allow for him to focus on the school he wants to set up as well as renting out the stables.
The horses that are brought in, he’ll be able to rear and help the owners with learning to ride, and giving them a space to keep the animals that they don’t necessarily have stables for. It’s a start, but I think it will be a good foundation to possibly start offering the riding classes to tourists who frequent the area in summer.
“Hello, Mom.” I try to sound happy, but I can’t find it in me to give her more than I am right now. All I can do is pray that they’re not calling to tell me I’ve lost my mind and they’re not willing to help me.
“Hi, honey, how are you?”
“I’m good. I’ve just got in from my trip to Wyoming,” I inform her, sitting onto a stool at the kitchen counter.
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Mr. Porter informed us about your investment decision. Are you sure this is the right thing for you, Estha?”
I was awaiting this. I knew it would come at some point, and even though I know it is a huge step, I realized this is what I wanted when I spent time on the ranch. Nothing would make me happier than to see it flourish. “Yes, Mom. I’ve weighed the risks. I’ve scoped out the property and the business potential. This is something I’d like to pursue and I really would like your blessing. Even if you’re not willing to give it, I’m going to go ahead.”
She’s silent for a long while and I know she’s considering what I’ve just said. For them, the only thing that would make it okay is to confirm there’ll be money coming in. And as much as I agree, it’s not the main reason I’m doing this.
After spending time with Clay and his family, I know this is their life. Their home. As a silent investor, I can be there if they want me to be, but I can focus on my own career. On my way out of town, I noticed a vacancy posted in the local estate agent’s window and immediately called.
The job is mine as soon as I get back and I know that’s exactly where I want to be. Call it a sign, or fate, but it seems everything is working out for the best.
Finally, she sighs on the other end of the line and responds. “Then we’ll do it. Tell me what you need and your father and I will help you.” Shock steals my response as I blink, staring through the window, not sure if I heard my mother right.
“You will?”
The surprise must be clear in my voice because she responds. “Of course. Honey, I know we’ve not been the best parents to you. Our lives took precedence over our parental duties and I can’t apologize enough for it. I know it couldn’t have been easy, I suppose as I get older I realized what really matters in life and I messed up as a mom.”
Her words slowly sink into my heart. The chasm I always felt, missing the love of a mother is something I hope to never have my kids feel. If she’s willing to try, I know deep down, I want that. I need it even.
“I’m sorry, Essie. I’ve always been too busy for you, to show you that you’re loved. I was scared, becoming a mother wasn’t something I envisioned for myself and I let you suffer because of it. I’d like to make it up to you. I really would. So if this is the way we can find that common ground and get to a place of love, rather than frustration and uncomfortable silences when we’re in the same room, then I want to do it.”
“It’s been difficult. I won’t lie. I’ve hated you for a long time, Mom. I was angry and frustrated that you left me to fend for myself. I was depressed, I wondered what was wrong with me that nobody loved me. I knew more about my tutors than I did my own parents.”
The confession falls from my lips. It’s harsh, but I don’t care. I want her to know the truth. To see how much of my life I’ve hurt because of it.
“I just needed you and you weren’t there.”
“Can I be there now? Give me a chance? Your father too. We’d like to be there for you and support you in whatever your heart desires. And if you need more money for this investment. We’re here.”
“Thank you. I just need you to sign the papers to transfer the money into my bank account so I can finalize it with the lawyer and the Walker’s bank where they have their mortgage.”
I’m still in shock. I’m still over the moon. And I’m still utterly confused at what just happened, but a sense of peace settles over me. I never thought I’d finally make amends with my parents, but it looks like perhaps I was wrong.
Maybe, just maybe, there is light at the end of our tunnel. “Then we’ll meet you tomorrow and we can get the ball rolling. Okay?”
“Okay.” She hangs up before I can say any more.
I sit for the next hour just mulling over the conversation. Over her apology and her confession of how much she’s realized what she did was wrong. What they did as parents was inadequate. Knowing they’re going to help me, I realize this is going to work. I should call Clayton, but I’m exhausted and need my bed.
Chapter Fifteen
Clay
She’s been gone a week. It’s been too long. Granted we’ve spoken on the phone every day, but I still miss her being close to me. She said her parents have agreed to sign the papers she needs to gain access to the money. From there, it won’t take long for it to transfer to the mortgage, which will take us out of the red and we’ll be able to save her boss trying to push his way in here.
I’ve yet to meet her boss. He sounds like an asshole. Perhaps he needs a good talking to, with my fists. My nature isn’t to fight, but I feel like this is one man that will change all that. When she told me his name, it didn’t sit well with me. Mr. Nicholson was Natalie’s dad and for some reason, I have a feeling they’re one and the same.
I haven’t told Essie yet, but I am more than convinced it’s him. I couldn’t find any photos on the company website of him, only his staff, but deep down, there’s a sinking feeling in my gut this man is the father of my ex-fiancée. I also have a feeling he’s tried to close in on the ranch because he knows it’s mine. Perhaps it’s his way of seeking revenge on what I did, but his plan backfired.
When Essie convinced me that her investment would be the easiest way to save the ranch, I trusted her. I don’t know what she has up her sleeve and that’s what’s bothering me. Essi
e said it’s best that I didn’t know what she’s doing in the event her boss decides to pitch up here and start questioning things. I disagree, but she’s one stubborn little girl. One that my heart misses more than I ever thought possible.
When I confessed what I had been through, she told me I couldn’t blame myself. Even though there are times I feel the pain which stifles me, I push past it and allow myself to bask in her words, in her love.
I miss her so much, like she’s a limb I’ve had cut off. How am I meant to focus on work and the ranch when she’s back in that place facing her boss knowing full well she’s probably going to lose her job because she didn’t fulfill everything she needed to do?
Her smile that greeted me every morning was radiant, like she’s the damn sun rising in my life showing me I can keep on living even though it feels as if I’m about to lose everything. I wanted to go with her, but she refused pointblank. Her confidence wavers at times, but when her mind is set, I doubt I would have been able to convince her otherwise.
“You’re so far gone, man,” Rhett chuckles. He’s right, I am fucking lost. Ignoring him, I push off the sofa and head into the kitchen. A Friday night and I’m sitting home with my best friend, wallowing in self-pity because the girl I love is hours away.
“I love her,” I grunt, pulling two beers from the fridge and snapping them open. When I reach the living room, I hand one to Rhett and take a swig of mine.
“I get that. Why didn’t you go with her? Maybe it would have made more sense.”
Shaking my head, I flop onto the sofa opposite him and respond, “She said it’s easier if I weren’t there. She’d be able to focus on what she needs to do. I have a feeling it’s got something to do with her parents and money. I mean—”
“You think she’s got the money to buy this place?”
Allowing his question to simmer in my mind for a little while, I consider it. “Maybe, she’s always said her folks are well off. Maybe she’s got a bank account that’s sitting pretty for her. But I’m not taking her money if that’s what she’s planning.”
Meeting the green eyes of my best friend, I notice the smirk that’s formed on his face.
“What?”
“Nothing, man. I just wondered if it would be a good idea to go out there and show her you’re there for her. This can’t be an easy choice if she is considering putting her money into your ranch. I mean… You’ve only been dating for what? Three weeks?”
Once again, Rhett is spot on. I hate the way he does that. All our lives he’s always been my sensible rock. My support when I was down and my conscience when I needed it the most. “Man, you have no idea what this girl has done to me though.”
“Oh, I know. You love her. It’s written all over your pretty boy face.” He chuckles.
“Fuck off! You’re just jealous I’ve got all the looks,” my retort earns me a guffaw.
He sits back to watch me before responding with slick confidence that only he can pull off. “You’re just jealous I got all the brains.”
“You do realize we’re both sporting a Bachelor’s Degree in Business Management right, smart ass?” I chuckle, gulping another long draw from the bottle. My thoughts aren’t here though, they’re with a girl I’ve fallen for and as much as I don’t want to invade her time that she needs to get her plan going, I’m getting fidgety.
“Yeah, yeah.”
“You really think I should head out to the city?” The thought did cross my mind. I could surprise her and we could do this together. There’s no doubt I want her in my life, but I’m not prepared to take her money. I’m a grown ass man who can take care of himself. I would go to the bank, but they’re the ones we’re trying to pay off. The second mortgage on the house is more than Mom and I can handle, but they’ve been lenient. If Essie can come through for me, I think I’m going to have to swallow my pride and allow her to give me the help she’s offering.
“I think it’s a brilliant idea. I might go back out with you to see Chloe.” His confession has me snapping my gaze to his.
“And here you’re giving me shit for my girl when you’re just as gone as I am.” This is how we’ve always been. Our friendship has been rock solid since we first met and I don’t see that changing any time soon.
“I didn’t want to say anything, but I’m going to ask her to come out here for a few weeks at Christmas. We can spend some time getting to know each other.”
“Why don’t you take her skiing? That’s always a good weekend away.” Rhett’s dad owns a cabin up in Canada where we used to vacation in December. It’s beautiful, remote, and incredibly tempting, and now that the thought has settled, I’d love to take Essie out there. I know she’d love it.
She’s mentioned a few times how much she loves the peace and quiet, and a cabin in the mountains sounds about perfect.
“Maybe we can make it a proper getaway. The four of us?” My best friend seems to always read my mind. It’s something he’s done since we were teens. I guess knowing someone for most of their life makes it easy enough to do that.
“Sounds good, man. Sounds damn good.”
I’ve spent the night thinking about Rhett’s suggestion to go out there and surprise her. I know where she works, but I don’t have her home address which will be impossible to find. Perhaps I can show up at her work and meet the asshole that’s trying to steal my family’s home.
Stalking into the kitchen, I find my mom at the cooker. “Mornin,’” I rumble, my voice heavy with sleep. I’m sure I look like shit because I feel it. Sleep evaded me last night, but I’ve come to the conclusion I won’t get a good night’s sleep unless Essie is in my arms and I know what’s happening with the ranch.
“Are you feeling all right, Clay?” Mom questions with worry clear on her features.
“I am. I wanted to talk to you about something, though,” I say, pouring myself a mug of coffee and settling at the table.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m going to be taking a trip out to Sacramento to see Essie,” I answer with a smile. “I’ll tell Cody when he wakes up, but you’ll need to just look after the ranch while I’m there.” I know deep down she wants me to get over the past, but also, there’s something I need to do when I get there. Before I see Essie.
“Okay, are you sure?” The worry in mom’s voice is evident and I don’t blame her. The last time I was there I lost my fiancée. Not having been back since, I do wonder if this is the right decision, but it’s time I manned up and faced my fear. It’s eaten away at me for so long, I don’t think I can allow myself to let it hold me down anymore.
Moving on is the first thing I need to do, I must say goodbye to my past and hello to my future. What’s done is done. I can’t change the events that led up to Natalie taking her life in such a horrific way. I wasn’t strong enough then, but I am now. It’s finally time.
“It’s time I said goodbye to her,” my mumble is barely audible but my mother hears me. She always listens more than anyone else. She feels my pain as if it’s hers. When she settles at the table beside me, she places a hand on mine and gives it a reassuring squeeze which has me lifting my eyes.
“Then you should. If you’re now ready to move on from the past, do it. I’ve spent my life after your dad died living in the past, but there comes a time when you have to move on. You need to let it go and face the future. Essie seems to be yours and I hope you can find the happiness I had with your father.”
My heart aches at the mention of him. It always does and I don’t think that will ever change. “I know, Mom. I’m falling for her. Estha Rose, seems to have brought love into my life again.”
“Then don’t let it go. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. She loves you too and I don’t think she’d be going out of her way to do whatever it is she’s doing if she didn’t love you.”
Mom is right as always. Nodding, I gulp down the last of my coffee and offer her a smile. “Then I need to pack.”
“I love you, Clayton.”
“Love you too, Ma’am.” I chuckle, tipping the imaginary hat I’m not wearing.
Chapter Sixteen
Essie
When I step into my one-bedroom apartment again after a long day of meetings with my clients, I realize how alone I am. All my life I thought the city offered me solace, happiness, but now I know it doesn’t. I found my happiness in a place I never thought I would. With a man I didn’t think I could see myself without.
Clayton Walker became more to me than a client. He changed me. I’ve always heard people say that about their significant other and I thought it was bullshit. How can one person change you? And why would you want to change? But now I see it. I was lost before. A little girl in need of her parents who were absent. A little girl who hungered for acceptance, for love.
I found a family in Wyoming. On the Walker Ranch I found the long-lost girl I once was and gave her a purpose. Maybe that’s it. All I didn’t know was that leaving it behind would hurt so much.
I know I’ll be back there soon, but I miss it more than I can ever imagine. Flopping onto the sofa, I pull out my phone and hit call on Clayton’s number. It rings a few times before going to voicemail. Perhaps he’s still busy. I leave a message and hang up, hoping he’ll call back soon.
Just then my phone buzzes, but it’s Chloe. Swiping my finger over the screen, I can’t help smiling when I answer. “Hey.”
“Essie Bess! What are you doing? I was thinking of coming over for some ice cream and cocktails.” She sounds excited, more so than I’d like right now. I’m exhausted, but I love my best friend so I nod.
“I’m sitting on my sofa, pretty much asleep, but if you bring me some rocky road I’ll probably wake up,” I giggle when she laughs at my choice in flavor.
“Funny you should mention it, I have a tub with your name on it,” she informs me excitedly. She knows me better than I know myself sometimes. Better than anyone’s known me my whole life.
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