by Jane Fallon
Once Kay has gone Melanie, Joshua and Lorna closet themselves away with the door shut and it’s all I can do not to put a glass against it and listen. I’m desperate for them to want to know my opinion and, thankfully, Melanie still values me enough to come out and canvas it.
‘We’re stuck between Kay and Amita,’ she says. ‘We thought you might be able to help us make up our minds as you seemed to have pretty strong opinions on both of them.’
God, Amita’s in the running? How did that happen? I go through to the other room. Lorna won’t even look at me and, after my conversation with Alex, I’m nervous of catching her eye too so the atmosphere is even more tense than before.
‘Well?’ Joshua says. ‘What did you think?’
I measure my words carefully. ‘I like Kay,’ I say. ‘She seemed bright and motivated. I think we’d get on,’ I add. Surely they don’t want to bring in anyone else I’m going to be feuding with.
‘And I got the impression you weren’t so impressed with Amita,’ Melanie says. I nod. I need to make sure that whatever I say comes across as a negative rather than a positive.
‘She’s rather…’ What? Efficient? Experienced? Conscientious? ‘… I got the feeling she might be a bit of a job’s worth,’ is the best I can come up with. ‘I’m not sure she’d be happy to muck in and do whatever was needed.’ Mucking in has always been a big deal at Mortimer and Sheedy.
‘Mmm, that’s what we were afraid of too,’ Joshua says, and I assume the ‘we’ means him and Melanie because she nods. ‘You were keen on Amita, though, weren’t you Lorna?’
Great, now I’ve unwittingly pissed all over another of Lorna’s bonfires. It doesn’t surprise me that she favours Amita, though. She wants a high-powered assistant; it’ll add to her status.
‘Yes,’ she says, and I’m forced to look at her so as not to seem rude. I’m shocked by what I see. I’m used to red-eyed, newly single Lorna, but this version looks like she has been crying for days. Either the tears or lack of sleep have forged little dark gulleys under her eyes. I’m not sure that she has any make-up on and her hair is a mess. Guilt makes me look away again.
‘I think we could do with some updating. Things don’t always work as efficiently as they should here,’ she continues, and I know that what she is really implying, not very subtly, is that I am shit and they need to bring in someone who can put a rocket up me. However, she hasn’t thought her reasoning through. About the worst thing you can say to Joshua is that Mortimer and Sheedy needs bringing into the twenty-first century. He doesn’t even own a mobile phone. I stay quiet, not wanting to aggravate her more, and wait.
‘I think we muddle along OK,’ Joshua says, and I know they’re going to make the right decision. Right for me at any rate. In reality Mortimer and Sheedy could do with shaking up; it would probably be more efficient, bring in more money – it just wouldn’t be such a nice place to work.
‘Let’s give Kay a month’s trial,’ he says. ‘Lorna, do you want to call her and tell her the good news?’
I breathe a sigh of relief. Sometimes Joshua being an overbearing old patriarch is exactly what’s needed.
As I leave the room Lorna gives me a look of such intense loathing that I almost flinch. Back in reception I reflect back on what’s happened. I’m surprised, actually, that Lorna dumped Alex. I knew I had hurt her and I guess I knew – maybe at the time I even hoped if I’m being really honest – that what I told her would cause problems between them, but I didn’t think she had it in her to end any relationship. I have always assumed that her red-eyed days were caused by whatever man she was currently dating seeing sense. Running for the hills before it was too late. I guess she never felt as strongly for Alex as she tried to make out. If the usual pattern is anything to go by, she’ll be weepy for a couple of days and then move on to the next. With Kay hopefully arriving next week to be a human buffer between us, things should settle back down pretty quickly.
Alex is a different prospect altogether. I don’t know if there’s a way to get our friendship back on track and at this point I don’t even know if I want to try. I’ve seen sides of him these past couple of months that I really don’t like. Sides that I hardly even recognize. He bears almost no resemblance to the funny, up for anything, irrepressible joker that I was so close to for so long. I know he’s angry with me and I understand why. I’ve betrayed the fact that he propositioned me, something that I’m sure he believed I would always keep secret. He’ll get over it. But whether or not I’ll get over the fact that he hit on me in the first place, and the way he’s behaved towards me since, that’s another story. Not to mention the way he treated Isabel. I’ll never forget some of the things he’s said to me, his petty planned revenge asking Lorna out, feeding her stories about me, jeopardizing my job really.
I don’t know, maybe our friendship was never real in the first place after all if he could try to hurt me like that. Now it’s all over I feel a bit overwhelmed by everything. Actually I feel like I want to cry. Like I’ve been holding it in all this time and now I can let it go. But I’m not going to be that person who sits sniffling at her desk waiting for someone to ask if she’s OK. At least I’m going to try not to be. Sometimes it’s easier said than done.
15
Dan is spending the evening down the pub with Alex. He announces this as I walk through the front door.
‘He and Lorna have split up,’ he says. ‘He sounds in a bad way. Do you mind?’
‘Of course not.’ I kiss him on the cheek to demonstrate just how much I don’t mind.
‘Why don’t you come?’ Dan says. ‘You’re always good at cheering Alex up. He’d love to see you.’
Not quite as much as you’d imagine, I think, but I say, ‘What about the kids? It’s too short notice to get someone to watch them now.’ I try to sound like I’m disappointed. Actually I’m nervous about Alex pouring his heart out to Dan. If he drinks too much, who knows what version of the truth he might tell him. But I’m also hoping that this might be it. One night of drowning his sorrows and then move on. Lorna is out of the picture forever and Alex and I can stand back and see exactly what the fallout is.
Zoe, William and I watch TV for a while but I’m finding it hard to concentrate. By the time Dan gets home I’m practically pacing up and down the living room expectantly.
‘So,’ I ask, ‘how was he?’
‘He seems to have taken it quite badly,’ Dan says, picking at the leftovers of my penne arrabiata. ‘I think he actually liked her.’
I snort. Luckily Dan doesn’t notice. I’m hesitant to ask my next question, but I have to know so I brave it.
‘Why did they… you know?’ I can’t look at him.
‘Split up? I don’t really know to be honest.’
I breathe out again, slowly.
‘It was her, I know that much. He said it was all a big misunderstanding; she overreacted. So I said, well, in that case you can sort it out, convince her she’s wrong about whatever it is. But he wouldn’t listen.’
‘Maybe he’s just being dramatic,’ I say, overwhelmed with relief that I’m not having to defend myself. ‘You know what he’s like.’
‘I hate seeing him like this.’ Dan pours us both a glass of Merlot.
‘It was bound to happen,’ I say. ‘It’s too soon after Isabel for him to settle down again. Maybe she was just meant to be his transitional relationship and now he’ll be ready to meet someone more… suitable.’
Dan laughs. ‘Someone you’ll like, you mean.’
I smile at him. If only it was that simple, that Alex would meet someone nice and everything could go back to normal. ‘Exactly,’ I say.
As secrets go mine isn’t a particularly big or bad one, but I hate it just the same. I try to reassure myself that it’s for Dan’s sake, for the sake of his and Alex’s friendship, but it still sits uneasily with me. I was always the one who put her hand up in class when the teacher asked whose fault something was. I think I remember once, in junior sch
ool, taking the blame for having pushed Pauline Cooper into a puddle when it wasn’t even me. It was Andrew Eldon. But I couldn’t stand the suspense when our form teacher, Miss Harding, asked who had done it. It wasn’t that I was trying to get Andrew Eldon off the hook (cue much playground taunting of ‘you love him, you want to kiss him’), I just wanted to break the tension. I’ve never been afraid to face the music. Mine or anyone else’s. Until now that is. And that’s because the person who would be most hurt by the truth coming out isn’t me, it’s Dan, and I won’t allow that to happen. So I make the appropriate faces that agree that it’s sad that Alex and Lorna have broken up and that I feel sorry for Alex, but deep down I let myself start to feel optimistic. OK, so mine and Alex’s relationship isn’t going to just repair itself any time soon, but with Lorna out of the picture at least I am only going to have one person who hates me in my social life. I suppose that’s not bad going.
Isabel calls me just as I’m arriving at work the next morning.
‘Did you know Alex and Lorna have split up?’ she asks after we’ve got through the niceties.
‘I did,’ I say. ‘Who told you?’
‘The girls. They’re delighted.’
I laugh. ‘How is he taking it?’ she asks before I can say anything else. Despite everything, Isabel’s first concern is still always for Alex.
‘Oh, you know,’ I say. ‘I don’t think he’s that bothered.’
‘Really?’ she says, fishing. ‘I thought he seemed quite fond of her.’
‘He’ll get over it,’ I say harshly.
I realize that things at work aren’t going to cruise back to normal quite as smoothly as I’d hoped when I arrive at the office and Joshua and Melanie are waiting for me in reception, looking like two policemen sent to break the bad news.
‘Morning,’ I say nervously, and busy myself around my desk, waiting for whatever it is they are going to say.
‘Have you got a minute?’ Joshua says, and shuts the door to the corridor so I can’t escape. I briefly wonder what they would do if I said, ‘No, I don’t actually. I’m busy; you’ll have to make an appointment.’
‘Sure. What’s going on?’ I sit down behind my desk. Joshua and Melanie look at each other. They obviously haven’t worked out their routine – who is going to be good cop and who is going to be bad. Joshua looks at the floor, thus indicating that as the senior partner he is handing the reins over to Melanie.
‘The thing is, Rebecca,’ she says, once she’s got the message. ‘Lorna has spoken to us about something and we felt that we needed to hear your side of the story. She’s very upset.’
I’m momentarily taken aback. I had a feeling that whatever was wrong Lorna would have been behind it, but surely ‘Rebecca told me that my boyfriend doesn’t love me’ wouldn’t stand up in an industrial tribunal. I don’t trust myself to say anything constructive so I just say, ‘Right…?’ and wait to see what Melanie will come up with next.
‘She’s made a complaint, an official complaint I suppose you’d call it…’
I want to jump in, but I stop myself. What does she mean an official complaint? What is this? ICI? Since when did Mortimer and Sheedy have a procedure in place for official complaints? I can feel myself going red. I take a sip from my bottle of Evian water and try to look calm.
‘And while you know we love you we have to take it seriously. There’s been a lot of tension between the two of you and it’s making for a terrible atmosphere.’
Melanie stops like she expects me to say something.
‘What has she complained about?’ I ask, and I know it comes out more aggressively that I meant it to. Melanie hesitates and I feel a bit sorry for her. I shouldn’t make this any harder for her than it already is. I try to soften my expression, but my face doesn’t want to play ball. Joshua, clearly tired of waiting, decides to cut to the chase.
‘Lorna believes that you have been looking through her emails when she’s out of the office and sharing personal details from them with other people.’
Wow. That wasn’t what I was expecting. That truly is a low blow. OK, if that’s the way she wants to play it.
‘What?’ I do my best hurt/confused expression (and thank God for my three years’ training on the Royal Holloway drama degree course). They look a bit confused by my lack of a confession. I’m usually only too willing to own up to my own failings.
Melanie smiles nervously. ‘She said that this friend of yours that she’s been seeing, Alex, he told her.’
‘Alex and I fell out a while ago,’ I say, doing my best to maintain eye contact. I will myself not to look down and to the left, which, I think, indicates that you are lying. Or is it down and to the right? Anyway, I try to keep my gaze as steady as I can and say, ‘He can be very bitchy. I imagine this is his way of getting back at me. To be honest, I never thought he would be this vindictive, though.’
‘So it’s not true?’ Joshua says, and he looks relieved.
‘No! Of course not. I would never do anything like that.’
‘Well, that hopefully clears that up. I’m sorry we had to ambush you like this, but it’s just that Lorna seemed very upset and we’re duty bound to keep everyone happy,’ Joshua says pleasantly.
‘Did she say what personal things I was supposed to have looked at?’ I can’t help saying. I can’t resist the idea that one of them might have to say, ‘Oh yes, she told us that you told your friends that she refers to her clitoris as “the bean”.’
Neither of them bother to answer that one, but Melanie says, ‘What a horrible thing to do. He doesn’t sound like a very nice bloke.’
‘Apparently they’ve split up,’ I say. ‘I think that’s why Lorna seems so unhappy at the moment probably. It’s nothing to do with anything between her and me.’ I try to say this in a way that I hope implies that Lorna is maybe feeling a little more irrational than usual and might be prone to a few wild accusations of her own. Joshua, who is never comfortable when the conversation approaches anything like personal, heads off into his office. Case closed. Melanie, though, is curious and wants the gory details, which I don’t want to share with her.
‘Like I said,’ I say when pressed, ‘Alex and I aren’t really getting along at the moment so I only heard through Dan. I’ve no idea what happened.’
‘Well, it sounds like it’s for the best,’ she says, and then thankfully goes off to get on with her work. I give thanks too for the fact that my bosses are so low octane, so trusting, both so wanting all to be right in their little world that they have all the investigative powers of… well, of two middle-aged theatrical and literary agents who really don’t want to be bothered. I feel bad that I basically just lied to their faces. I’m not a good liar. I never have been. To be honest, I don’t want to be. It’s not a skill that I ever sought to acquire. New Year’s resolutions – must learn knitting, Italian and how to be deceitful. But it’s survival of the fittest now.
A few minutes later Lorna arrives conveniently ten minutes after her usual time. As she passes by the door to reception I’m sure she smirks in my direction so I wait with baited breath while she shuts herself in with Melanie. After a few moments I can hear a raised voice and, by the slightly hysterical tone of it, I’d say it was Lorna. I can’t make out what she is saying, but I can imagine. A few minutes later I hear the door slam and she flounces out. Like the coward I really am, I pick up the phone and pretend to be deep in conversation until she’s safely back in her office. Round one to me.
I’m still trying to decide what to do about Alex. When he called I told him that I would ring him back later and, of course, I didn’t. I couldn’t. I don’t know what to say to him. If I leave things for too long, I worry that we won’t ever be able to act normally around each other, that there will always be an atmosphere. I pick up the phone and dial before I have a chance to change my mind. He answers immediately and my heart starts pounding out of my chest. I need to say something, anything, to start trying to rebuild bridges. Not because I
believe I can ever be friends with him again; I’m not that naive. But because Dan of course is, and we need to find a way to operate around each other that allows that friendship to continue.
‘Alex…’ I say, but before I can carry on he butts in, ‘I’ve got nothing to say to you.’
‘I know things are messed up between us,’ I say, ‘but you have to believe me when I say that I had no intention of breaking up your relationship. I know you must be feeling awful about Lorna –’
‘You know what, I liked her,’ he says viciously. ‘I know it doesn’t suit you to believe that, but I did. She was never going to be the love of my life but that was for me to decide, not you. I don’t really care that she’s dumped me, to be honest, but what I do care about is that she dumped me because of you. Who the fuck do you think you are?’
‘We need to –’ I start to say, but then I hear the blank tone, which tells me he’s hung up on me.
A few weeks ago I’d have been elated by the fact that Alex and Lorna are no more. Maybe now he’d get a grip, realize what he’d given up and go back to Isabel. I never doubted that she’d have him. Now it’s nowhere near that clear cut. I’m not sure I’d wish this new Alex – this aggressive, spiteful version – on anyone. Well, anyone I like.
Isabel and I meet for a drink after work. We fight our way through the crowds in the Red Lion in Kingly Street and manage to find two stools near the open fireplace that at first seem like a godsend but, as we start to sweat, it quickly becomes clear why no one else has nabbed them. We decide it’s still preferable to standing in the crush, though, and edge them away from the fire as much as we can without encroaching on anyone else’s space.