by L.H. Cosway
I expect him to find what I’ve said funny, because we both know I spend most of my spare time in the solitary occupation of dressmaking. Although it hasn’t been so solitary since Jay came into my life. Instead, he narrows his eyes and studies me seriously.
“You got a hot date or something? Has Owen called?” The way he says the name is like he’s trying to swallow glass, and admittedly I take a small piece of satisfaction from that.
“No, I don’t have a hot date. And yes, he has called, which surprised me, given how disastrously our second date went, no thanks to you. However, I explained to him that I’m not in the right place for a relationship right now. He was very gracious about it.”
He’s silent, sitting back and folding his arms. I become self-conscious under his intense scrutiny, so I decide to pack up my things for the night and hit the sack.
“Don’t go,” he says, reaching out to grab my wrist when I pass him.
“I’m tired,” I reply, moving on, and his hand falls away as I leave the room.
It’s after midnight, and I still can’t sleep, tossing and turning. I yank off my pyjama pants, feeling too hot. Dad’s loud snoring echoes down the hall from his room, and I envy his slumber. I can hear Jay pacing next door, but unlike how it usually soothes me, now it just irritates the hell out of me.
In the back of my mind, I know it’s not irritation, but heartache.
When he leaves tomorrow, I’m going to miss him like crazy. I want to grab him and hug him so tight, let him know how hard it is for me to let him go.
Soon his pacing slows down, and there’s silence. I hear him flick the light off, hear the sound of his mattress creak as he climbs into bed. The clock on my bedside table ticks loudly in my ears. The more I focus on it, the louder it gets, as though taunting me. Counting down the seconds until Jay’s departure.
If I were brave, I’d sneak into his room right now and give him something to remember me by. In fact, I think I might be feeling a little brave, because my body moves of its own accord. I barely make a sound as I open my door and take the few short steps down the hall to Jay’s room. The door hinges make a tiny noise as I go inside, the room encased in darkness.
Placing my hand on the wall, I feel my way to the foot of his bed. There’s some movement, then Jay whispering, “What are you doing, darlin’?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
I’m on his bed now, tugging the covers down. He clears his throat and puts his hands on my shoulders as though to stop me. As my eyes adjust to the dark, I make out his naked chest, the little trail of hair that leads from his navel down into his boxer shorts. I’m wearing nothing but a T-shirt and cotton pants. Jay’s gaze eats me up in the same way mine is devouring him.
“You shouldn’t,” he murmurs, but his eyes tell me that I should.
Hovering over him on my knees, I lean down and place a soft kiss to his pec. His body shudders at the touch. It’s been a week since we last had contact, and somehow I can tell he’s been craving me just as much as I’ve been craving him, even if he did force himself to stay away for whatever unknown reasons.
I crawl in between his legs, my thighs braced over one of his, as I take his nipple into my mouth. I swirl my tongue around it, wet and hot.
“Fuck,” he swears, his hand going to my forehead and brushing my hair back. I grind myself into his thigh, needy, kissing my way from one nipple to the other, then down his perfect chest and abs. I nuzzle his hipbone when I reach the elastic of his boxer shorts, and his chest rises and falls quickly, his breathing growing frantic.
“What ya doing?” he growls, and the sound pleases me. I like that I’m torturing him.
“Tasting you,” I whisper, my tongue sneaking out to lick his skin. “I’ve missed you so bad.”
His body jerks.
“Yeah, you’d better start tasting real soon, or I’m gonna have to fuck you.”
I moan. His words thrill me. When I tug his shorts down, his gorgeously hard cock springs free. I nuzzle it, and he cups my cheek, his eyes shining down at me. I kiss the tip, and he groans, swears profusely.
“You were put on this earth to torture me, I’m certain of it,” he breathes.
I open my mouth and take in an inch of him. His hand on my cheek grips tight. I move my head down, taking his full length slowly inside. His body becomes a rigid coil, his mouth a fountain of lovely profanities, as I bob up and down, sucking him, flicking my tongue around the seam of his head. He seems to like that one a lot, so I do it a lot.
Gripping his hard thigh with one hand, I cup his balls with the other, and a spurt of salty pre-cum fills my mouth. I increase my speed, and he fumbles for me, his hands reaching down, sliding inside my top to cup my bare breasts.
I moan around his cock when he pinches my nipples, and the most masculine sound erupts from him, half growl, half purr. Pure sex. Hot liquid spurts into my mouth as he comes, and I keep sucking him, draining every last drop.
When he’s done, the rigidity falls away from his body, and he’s spent. The way he gazes down at me, rubbing his thumb over my lips, the adoration beaming out of him, makes feel like I’ve done what I set out to do. He won’t be forgetting this any time soon.
He pulls me up and settles me into the side of his body, my head resting on his chest. I allow my fingers to trace the lines of his tattoos. I study them, feeling like they tell a story, but that story is hidden to me. I wish I could somehow flick a switch and illuminate the words.
His breathing evens out, and I think he might have fallen asleep, but then his hand starts to move down my thigh. With his deft fingers he parts my legs, rubbing along my sex before finding my entrance. He plunges two fingers into me, quick and hard. I whimper.
His mouth goes to my breast, capturing it, his eyes glued to mine. He fucks me with his hand, his thumb pressing down on my clit, making me feel like I’m teetering on the edge. My vision goes hazy with pleasure.
“Yeah, you come for me, darlin’. Wanna see those shakes,” he murmurs, his mouth releasing my nipple as he comes up for air.
It doesn’t take long. With one fierce, hard thrust of his fingers and one deep circle of his thumb on my clit, I fall apart. My orgasm lasts for a long time. I lose count of how many waves go through me. Jay keeps his fingers buried deep inside, now leisurely moving in and out. His mouth hangs open slightly, and I sigh.
“I can’t come again so soon,” I plead with him.
“I’m not trying to make you come. I’m just enjoying the feel of you.”
A minute passes, full of my tiny moans and his growls of approval.
“Why have you been so distant this week?” I ask, hating the needy sound of my words.
“Been trying to stay away from you until all this is over. That incident in the park was too much of a close call, and I can’t put you in danger like that again.”
I gasp as he pulls his fingers out, sliding them along my sex before pulling me close to him, surrounding me with his arms.
“Until what is all over?”
“The court case. Everything.”
Placing a hand on his chest, I draw away from him, startled by what he’s telling me.
“The court case could be a year from now. You’re going to keep me at a distance until then?” I say, emotion catching in my throat. He tries to pull me back to him, but I move farther away. Before I’d been too hot. Now I’m way too cold. Finding my underwear, I pull them back on.
“Darlin’, I can’t let you get caught in the crossfire again. It’s too dangerous. The fact that I’m forcing myself to wait should show you how much I care.”
I gesture furiously. “If that’s the case, then why let me come in here tonight?”
“Because it’s so fucking hard to resist you. I’ve been trying, but when you come in here and offer yourself to me, it’s impossible for me to say no.”
“Do you regret it?”
“No, of course not. Please understand that I fucking adore you, but this isn’t our tim
e, baby. Not yet.” He reaches out for me and takes my hand in both of his, a pleading look in his eyes.
I swallow hard as I steel myself, his tender words melting some of my resolve. Tears gather in the back of my throat, but I manage to whisper, “Okay. It won’t happen again.”
Turning on my heel, I leave the room just in time before I start to cry.
“Matilda,” he calls after me, his voice strained, but I don’t turn back.
Twenty-Five
The next day, Jay’s busy moving his stuff out of the spare room and packing it into his car. We eat breakfast together, but aside from a few probing, intense looks, he doesn’t mention what happened the night before. And really, I’m glad. I’m feeling a touch emotional at the moment, so I’m not sure I could handle such a discussion anyway. I’d probably just burst into tears.
Before I know it, Dad and I are standing on the doorstep, waving Jay off. Dad seems just as unhappy for him to be leaving as I am, but I can tell he’s trying not to show it.
For a while, our little family of two had become three.
Jay stares at me for a long time, then surprises the both of us when he pulls me into a tight, prolonged hug. Dad looks at me with an odd expression afterward, but I try to ignore it. I think he suspects something’s been going on between us, but he hasn’t mentioned it yet. Jay pats Dad on the shoulder and shakes his hand, then heads for his car. Dad calls after him that he’ll see him tomorrow at the barbecue.
I’m still uncertain if I’m going to go. The idea of being around him for however long it takes for the drama of his court case to be over, but not actually be with him, makes my heart feel like it’s breaking.
In the end, I do go to the barbecue. Mostly because Dad would probably think something was off if I didn’t, but mainly because even a day without seeing Jay feels like torture. I need another fix. We arrive at his new place with a bottle of wine. He buzzes us through, and we take the elevator up to the top floor. The building is just as fancy as I expected, the front all made of glass and steel.
Jessie answers the door when we get there. “Ah, come in, come in,” she welcomes us. “Jay’s just outside firing up the barbecue. I hope neither of you are vegetarian.”
At that Dad laughs boisterously. Obviously, the idea of not eating meat is hilarious to him. I expected Jay’s place to be packed with friends, but it’s just Jessie, Michelle, and a couple of the people I met the night of his show. I almost laugh when Jessie goes to give Michelle a kiss on the mouth and Dad does a double-take.
“Well,” he says under his breath. “Well.”
I nudge him with my elbow. “Don’t make a big deal.”
Dad nods, and that’s all that needs to be said. Like me, Dad doesn’t really care much about what people decide to do in their own private lives. I take a look around the apartment as Dad goes to sit on the couch with the others. There isn’t much furniture yet, just a few bits and pieces. I wonder why Jay didn’t bring the chaise longue with him, but I’m kind of glad that he didn’t. Perhaps it means he’s still going to come over and hang out with me from time to time. Although really, I’m not sure if that would be a good thing for me emotionally.
I find my way into the kitchen and put the wine in the fridge to chill. When I turn back around, Jay’s standing a couple of feet away from me, and I jump.
His lips curve. “Make yourself at home, why don’t you?”
I put on a brave face, even though seeing him hurts. “Well, my host wasn’t anywhere to be found, so I took it upon myself to find my way.”
He full-on smiles at me now, though there’s a touch of sadness to it. “Oh, yeah? You look beautiful.”
I glance down at the simple dress I have on and shrug shyly. He strides toward me, and my breath catches. He doesn’t touch me, though. Instead, he reaches around me, opens the fridge again, and retrieves a tray of burger meat covered with cling film.
“You want to help me?” he asks, unsure.
“Okay.”
Relief floods his features. “Great. Go grab the burger buns.”
I do as he says and follow him out to his terrace. It’s a lovely sunny summer’s day, with a great view out over the water. Jay starts to cook the meat on a fancy new barbecue that he must have bought especially for this housewarming, or else it came with the apartment. There’s a deck table and chairs, so I make myself busy by setting out plates and napkins. When I’m done, I turn back around, and Jay’s standing by the barbecue. He’s not focused on cooking, though. He’s focused on me. The look he’s giving me turns my tummy into pure butterflies.
“Stop looking at me like that,” I say, frowning and rubbing at my chest. He has this habit of making my heart sore, making my lungs feel like there’s not enough air.
He tilts his head attractively, which only makes matters worse. “Like what?”
“Like you’re molesting me with your eyes,” I blurt out.
His answering laugh is long and deep. I can barely handle the affection in his gaze. “Okay, I’ll try to stop. But if it all gets to be too much for you, this apartment happens to have a very nice bathroom. You can go rub one out again to take the edge off. I’ll come listen, too, if that will help.”
There he goes again, pushing me.
I do a slow blink at him before coming out with a rather masterful comeback. And when I say “masterful,” I mean shit. “Why don’t you go and rub one out?”
He cocks an eyebrow. “I don’t rub out, darlin’. I jack off.”
“Oh, my God, shut up!” I suddenly giggle, looking back inside to make sure nobody was close enough to hear.
“You are way too fucking cute when you’re embarrassed.”
I stay silent. Talking with Jay only seems to get me into trouble. The kind that requires a change of underwear. Yes, I said it.
A couple of minutes later, he calls everyone out, and the food is served up. We sit and talk and drink wine, and generally just soak up the nice atmosphere. I find I’m enjoying myself, too, even if I do have to studiously avoid Jay’s penetrating stares. I wish he’d stop, because sooner or later somebody is going to notice.
As the evening draws to a close, Dad decides it’s time to call it a night. I don’t want to leave yet, so Jessie offers to drive me home later. Once Dad’s gone, I feel a little less tightly wound. At least now he won’t be here to notice the weirdness between me and Jay.
I sip my wine and let the conversation drift over me, staring out at the view. My relaxation is short-lived, because a minute later a chair moves beside me, and Jay drops down into it.
“So, do you like my new place?”
I nod. “Yeah, it’s lovely. Great location, too.”
He chugs back some beer and stays quiet for a moment, then asks, “You think you could ever see yourself living in a place like this?”
There’s a touch of insecurity in his voice, which is so out of character.
“I’m sure I could. It’s hardly a shanty town. But I think I’ll always stay with Dad. He’d be lonely by himself,” I answer without thinking. When I see Jay’s expression, I suddenly realise the meaning behind his question. He wants to know if someday I’d live with him. Here. After all the madness is over and he can finally tell me all the stuff he’s been holding back.
Wow.
Just…wow.
And there’s the chest ache again. Only this time it’s a good kind of hurt. Sort of. This man is seriously hazardous for my heart. He just keeps on surprising me at every turn.
“You have to move out some time, Matilda. You know, see the world. I’m sure your old man wouldn’t want you staying with him just because you feel it’s your duty.”
“That’s not why I stay. I like living at home. It’s comfortable. And besides, me and my dad, well, we’re all each other has.”
Even as I say it, I know it’s a lie. Living with Dad is a comfort blanket, one I’ve always been too scared to let go of. Sometimes I think I convince myself he needs me more than he really does.
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Jay grabs my hand then and squeezes softly. “You’re not all each other has.” His tone is serious, fervent.
I suck in a breath. More chest pangs.
“So, you mean to say we have you now, too?”
“Yeah, that’s what I mean,” he murmurs, leaning in closer. Air catches in my lungs.
“It doesn’t feel like we have you. In all honesty, I don’t know where I stand with you from one day to the next. You want to be with me, but you can’t be with me. For all I know, you could be gone in a heartbeat, back to America to perform in Las Vegas or some other glamorous location.”
“Oh, yeah? Well, you do remember our little agreement, don’t you? We made a deal you’d be coming with me the next time I have shows there, so you see it’s not true. You’ve got me, Matilda. You always have.” He pauses, and his voice lowers. “You’re mine.”
I close my eyes, his words too much for me.
“I miss you,” I whisper. “I miss having you sleep on the other side of my wall, hearing you pace.”
His eyes go sad. “I’ve only been gone a day.”
“And that’s why it’s scary. I shouldn’t miss you this much.”
“It’s not gonna be forever. Trust me.” His thumb brushes soothing circles to the inside of my wrist, and I melt.
We sit like that for a long time, the day drawing to a close around us, city noises drifting in from nearby. It’s after dark when Jessie comes and tells me she can take me home.
“It’s fine. I’ll drive her,” Jay interrupts.
I look at him, stare down at our intertwined fingers, before pulling my hand out of his. “I should go. It’s late, and I have work in the morning.”
He gazes at me, his expression probing. “You sure?”
“Yeah,” I say, breath whooshing out of me. “I’m sure.”