by L.H. Cosway
“Nah, I enlisted myself.”
Why? I wanted to ask. Instead, I ate some spaghetti.
When Liam didn’t say anything more I spoke. “You shouldn’t waste your energy on me. I only wash the dishes. Maybe direct your effort towards the cooks, that’s where the money’s at.”
“You’re odd, Iris.”
“And you’re wasting your time. For all you know I could be gone tomorrow.” His jaw firmed at this and he appeared unhappy for some reason.
“Are you planning on leaving?”
“No, I’m not. I was just saying it’s a possibility is all.”
“Don’t leave.”
I furrowed my brow, not getting him. “Why?”
All of a sudden, my mind was awash with apprehension. Did he not want me to leave because he was keeping tabs on me? No, he couldn’t be. Police didn’t care about the homeless unless they were bothering nice, civilised people for money or doing drugs out in the open. As long as we hid away in the cracks so nobody had to feel bad by seeing us, we were left alone. Sure, I didn’t look as obviously homeless as some because I actively took care of myself and I was young. Give it a few years and all the sleepless nights and bitter cold was going to catch up on me.
“Because I’d worry about you,” Liam replied after stewing on his answer a moment.
Something squeezed at my chest but I endeavoured to ignore it. I also tried to ignore the genuine concern in his eyes. After so long on my own, with nobody giving a crap about me, it felt foreign to have someone express concern. Made me feel vulnerable, and I didn’t understand it. My eyes watered a little but I pushed back the emotion.
“Why would you worry?” I practically whispered.
Liam’s handsome features formed a sad, empathetic expression. “Because I can tell you’ve got no one looking out for you.”
I stiffened, growing defensive. “I’ve got people.”
He cocked a brow. “Really? Who?”
I averted my gaze. “That’s none of your business.”
“You’re closed tight as a bank vault, Iris. You’re closed tight because you’ve been let down too many times.”
How could he possible know this?
“I know because I’ve been where you are,” he went on. Man, could he read minds, too?
“You have?”
“You know I’ve got two other brothers aside from Lee, right?”
I nodded. Stu and Trevor had been around the restaurant a time or two, but I’d never really spoken to them.
“Well,” he continued, “we were let down by grown-ups a lot when we were kids. Ended up having to raise ourselves. If it weren’t for Lee being so determined for us to survive on our own, I’m not sure what might’ve happened.”
I gaped at him in disbelief. Sure, my boss didn’t strike me as the kind of man who came from a fancy background, but I didn’t imagine he’d been in a similar boat to mine. Suddenly, I felt even more warmth for him. After all, if it weren’t for Lee showing me kindness, I might not have had food in my belly the past few weeks. Nor would I have two-hundred pounds in savings hidden at the end of my Doc Martin boot. Another three-hundred and I’d have enough for a rental deposit.
“Where were your parents?” I asked quietly.
“Mum passed away. Drug overdose. Dad was MIA. We had our aunt for a while but eventually she fucked off on us, too.”
A shiver trickled over me. Was this why I’d always felt so drawn to Liam? Because our stories were so similar?
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Hey, we all survived, didn’t we?”
“Yeah, you did.”
A quiet fell and Liam held my gaze. It was like he was reading a book in my eyes. I felt exposed.
“Are you okay, Iris?” he asked, his voice heavy. The question might’ve seemed out of the blue if it weren’t for the way he’d been looking at me. It also wasn’t as straightforward as it sounded. Somehow, he wasn’t merely asking if I was okay, he was asking if I was safe, if I really had anyone looking out for me.
“Of course, I am,” I answered confidently, pure bravado.
“You can talk to me, you know. I’m not in uniform today. Anything you say will stay between the two of us.”
I bristled. “There’s nothing to say.”
“No?”
“No.”
“I nearly went to prison once,” he confessed and I startled.
“What?”
“I said, I nearly went to prison once, but my brothers, they protected me. Our lives weren’t always so law-abiding.”
He broke the law? But how? It didn’t make sense. Criminals didn’t get to become police constables. That wasn’t how the system worked. At least, I thought it wasn’t. Maybe he was lying, trying to lure me into a false sense of security so I’d talk.
“Sure.” You could’ve cut my sarcasm with a knife.
“I’m not lying. How else do you think we pulled ourselves out of the gutter? Because it sure as shit wasn’t by following the law. We stole cars, got caught up in a gang. It took a long time to get out. Again, I owe it all to Lee. I was too young at the time to realise the path I was going down. Sometimes we all need to accept help from others or else we’ll sink below the tide.”
His eyes flared meaningfully as I studied him. He didn’t look like he was lying, and for some reason I wanted him to be telling the truth. Because if he was, it meant we weren’t so different. It also meant I had a chance of living a good, normal life one day. If Liam and his brothers could manage it, then so could I.
Still, if he thought telling me all this meant I was going to open up to him he was dead wrong.
“Well, I’m glad to hear you changed your ways,” I said and stood from the table, my voice toneless. “I need to be getting back to work now.”
He exhaled a frustrated breath. “Iris.”
I cut my gaze to his. “What?”
“If you need a friend I’m right here.”
Suspicion swelled within me. In my experience, people didn’t offer up friendship out of the kindness of their heart. No, if I knew anything about human nature, I knew that Liam Cross wanted something from me. That was the only reason he was being kind.
I just had no clue what it was he wanted.
He didn’t follow me out to the kitchen, and despite my tenseness, I finished up the rest of my shift without incident. It was dark when I made my way home, and when I turned the corner that led to the abandoned building I was squatting in, I heard voices. Loud, raucous voices.
Crap.
A group of bedraggled-looking homeless men had set-up shop outside the building, drinking cans of cheap beer, and warming themselves next to a fire they somehow managed to get going in the icy cold.
My heart pounded, a lump of dread sinking in my gut. If they were outside the building it meant they’d likely taken a look inside. I always kept the money I’d saved on me, because I didn’t have a safe enough place to stash it. All of my things, however, were inside that building, and though they weren’t much, they were mine.
I was going to kill every single one of those hobos if they’d so much as lain a finger on my stuff.
I crept around the side of the building, blending into the shadows. I was an expert at that. I always wore dark, inconspicuous clothes so I didn’t stand out. Attention wasn’t my favourite thing, which explained why Liam Cross had become a source of anxiety.
The men were either too drunk or too oblivious to notice me scuttle by. I crept inside the building and bounded up the stairs two at a time, my heart in my throat at what I might find. Mr Hector sat in the doorway and as soon as I saw him I knew. His fathomless green eyes were somehow accusatory.
You let this happen.
You let them wreck our home.
My sleeping bag was torn to shreds. My candle collection had been tossed aside and lay scatted all over the room. The clothes I’d kept tucked inside a small duffle bag were strewn all over the place. Clearly, the men had been searching f
or valuables and come up empty. They probably thought I’d hidden money in the lining of my sleeping bag, but no such luck. Still, I was distraught. My few possessions might’ve been worthless to them but they were everything to me.
Where was I going to sleep tonight?
It was cold, and later it would turn icy. My sleeping bag had been the only thing to keep me from freezing to death and now it was useless. I didn’t cry much, not anymore. It felt like I’d spent so much time crying as a kid that I was all cried out. Even so, tears stung at my eyes now as I slid down to the dirty floor. I held my head in my hands as I sobbed heavily and something warm and furry crept into my lap. Mr Hector was mewling, probably wondering why I was acting so mental.
Don’t you understand? They took everything.
But no, cats didn’t get the concept of having to start over from scratch. And starting over from scratch was exactly what I had to do now. I had to find a new place to sleep and buy a new sleeping bag. That was going to cut into my savings. Still, tonight was going to be rough because it was late and all the shops were closed. A new sleeping bag would have to wait until tomorrow.
I petted Mr Hector and then got up to check if my food was still in its hiding place. By some stroke of luck the men hadn’t found my stash. I pulled out a slice of bread and ate it, wondering where Mr Hector went during the day to get food. He wasn’t a skinny cat, so he had to be eating somewhere. If only humans could eat out of rubbish bins and not get sick from salmonella.
I sniffled a few more times, dried my eyes with the back of my hands, and went to gather my clothes. My duffle bag lay emptied on the floor and disturbingly some of my underwear and one of my T-shirts were missing. A chill ran down my spine. I tried not to think too much on that.
I gathered everything into the bag and wracked my brains for places I could go for the night. I couldn’t stay here. Those men might decide to come back inside and God only knew what they’d do if they found me.
“Why don’t you pay Maude a visit?” Bowie suggested. He was The Man Who Fell to Earth tonight, his hair as orange as a flame.
“I can’t go to Maude’s. I’m too old, and besides, there wouldn’t be any room for me there,” I huffed and continued gathering what remained of my possessions.
Maude was one of my old foster parents. She owned a large house and usually had anywhere between five and ten teenagers living with her. She ran a tight ship and although she could be very cold and practical, had probably been my favourite foster carer. However, as soon as I turned eighteen she regretfully couldn’t put me up anymore. That’s how I ended up on the streets.
“Well, you can’t sleep rough. You’ll catch your death,” said Bowie, visibly worried for me.
I stiffened. “I’ve survived worse.”
“Maude will let you stay at hers. Just rock on up and be all it’s Britney, bitch. Confidence makes people give you what you want.”
I chuckled. “You obviously don’t know Maude. She’d be like call me a bitch again and I’ll shove this broomstick up your arse.”
Bowie shrugged. “It’s worth a try.”
I sucked in a breath and steeled myself. “Nah, I can get through this without help. I’ve done it before.”
Mr Hector followed me as I took one last look around the decaying room that had been my home for the last two months, then quietly left as though I’d never been there at all. When you’ve got nobody but yourself to rely on, you learn how to become a ghost. An incorporeal shadow that no one ever notices. It’s the only way to keep safe. When you’re solid you can be used, taken from, hurt.
I snuck out of the building as inconspicuously as I’d entered, Mr Hector heavy on my heels, the shadow of a shadow. I wasn’t sure why he insisted on sticking by me, because sometimes I got the feeling he didn’t even like me much.
Maybe it was survival. Stay with the human that gives you food.
I walked for hours, but every time I thought I’d found a place to sleep, it turned out someone else was already there. If anyone ever said homelessness wasn’t an epidemic in London they were lying through their false teeth.
In the end, I crouched down in a darkened alley not too far from The Grub Hut and closed my eyes. Mr Hector curled up beside me, his warmth a welcome comfort. I tugged my long coat tight around myself and prayed it didn’t get any colder tonight.
Sleep never came, only that horrible half sleep where you drift in and out, constantly aware of your surroundings. By the time morning came I couldn’t stop shivering. I was so cold I felt like I’d never get any heat back into me.
Why did I have to be homeless in such a cold part of the world? Why not somewhere warmer, like Miami or Barcelona?
I had an early shift at work so I ambled my way down the street, my chin tucked inside my threadbare coat to avoid the morning chill. I still shivered all over. I just had to make it to the restaurant where I could hide in the bathroom for a little while, maybe warm my hands under the hot tap.
Instead of using the front entrance like I normally did, I went around the back, hoping to avoid any of my co-workers before I could clean myself up. Mr Hector followed me all the way there, then disappeared. It was like he was making sure he knew where I was so he could find me.
Were cats that clever?
I hoped so, because I wasn’t sure I could handle Mr Hector abandoning me. He and Bowie were my only friends. And perhaps Liam.
Speak of the devil.
To my dismay, there was a delivery truck parked out back. Lee and Liam were unpacking boxes and carrying them inside. Maybe I was suffering from frostbite, because my reaction time was seriously slow. Before I had the chance to tuck tail and turn in the other direction, Liam spotted me. It was like he had an internal radar, because I was still a good distance away. He homed in on me, seeming to notice something was wrong.
There was nothing else for it, I had to keep walking and pretend like everything was normal, even though my teeth chattered and my bones ached.
“M-morning,” I said, stammering from the cold.
“Iris, what the hell? You look like shit.”
“Jeez, thanks.”
He swore under his breath. “Fuck, that’s not what I meant. What happened to you?”
I mustered a casual expression and moved to walk by him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He caught me by the elbow, and though he didn’t do it roughly, in my current condition it hurt like hell. “You’re pale as a ghost and your lips are blue. And Jesus Christ, you’re shivering.”
“I’m fi—”
Before I could finish the sentence, he pulled me inside. The warmth of the restaurant hit me instantly, the smell of breakfast filling my nostrils and making my stomach clench with hunger. Lee, who was coming out to get another box, shot both of us a perplexed look. Liam didn’t stop to explain, he simply dragged me down to the end of the corridor where there was a large radiator affixed to the wall. Without a word, he pushed me up against it, then encapsulated me in his arms.
Ah, heat. Sweet, delicious heat.
“You’re freezing cold, Iris,” he said, sounding frightened.
I sank into his warmth like a sugar cube melting into a cup of coffee. I wasn’t sure why he was doing it, but he felt so good, warm, alive. I felt icy cold, near death. So I took the comfort he offered.
I tried to remind myself that I’d been through this before. Hell, I’d been in worse fixes in my time. I just needed to get warm. Liam could help me do that. I knew I wasn’t in my right mind, wasn’t thinking clearly, when I burrowed my face into his neck and snuggled into his clean skin. A gruff breath fled his lips and he tightened his strong arms around me.
“Christ,” he swore, his hands moving carefully down my back and up again as though searching for injuries.
“I’m n-not hurt, just cold,” I managed to croak out.
I sensed his anger even though I wasn’t looking at his face. “Who did this to you?”
I let out an unexpec
ted yip of laughter. I might’ve been driven mad by way of frostbite. “The weather.”
“Iris, don’t play games with me. Did someone chain you up and leave you outside all night or something?”
“Nah, I did that all by m-m-myself.”
He shifted his head and glanced down at me, his brows furrowing attractively. My teeth chattered. His eyes moved back and forth between mine as he studied me, coming to some sort of silent realisation. He swore again. I burrowed back into his neck, just wanting to live in the moment with him warming me, rather than contemplate the reality that he might’ve just figured out my circumstances.
“I’m taking you back to mine,” he said in a firm voice. It was the bucket of cold water I needed. Quick as a flash I pulled away from him, finally coming to my senses.
“You can’t. I’ve got work.”
“You can’t work in your condition. God, Iris, look at you,” he said, his eyes sad.
I stuck to my guns. “I’m not going anywhere with you.”
He reached for me but I took several steps back. “L-leave me alone or I’ll tell Lee you’re harassing me,” I stammered.
It was a low blow, I knew that, especially considering how he’d been trying to help me. But pride was a funny thing, and mine simply wouldn’t allow me to admit my circumstances to Liam. Even if he might already have guessed them for himself.
“Iris, we both know that’s not true.”
I knew that even if I did lie to Lee, he wouldn’t believe me over Liam. Hell, I wouldn’t believe me either. I was an inked up, bedraggled, homeless little nobody and Liam Cross was a police constable. He had friends and a family and a life. He was the one to believe.
My lip quivered. I felt awful for threatening him like that. “Thank you for . . . for holding me just now. You don’t know how much I needed it, but I assure you, you don’t want anything to do with me. I’ll only drag you down.”
Before he could reply I turned and hurried to the staff bathroom. I turned over the lock and exhaled a deep breath.
I might not be in danger of freezing to death anymore, but without Liam’s arms around me my heart felt cold.