Well, I really don’t. But I go ahead and sit, thinking it might help to get this over with sooner. I fold my arms across my front and just wait for him to speak.
“I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, Erin.”
“Oh?”
“I even wanted to call you, but I figured you’d probably hang up on me.”
“Do you think I’m that rude?”
“No…not really. I guess I just think I deserve it.”
I sort of nod. “Maybe…”
“Anyway, I just want to apologize to you. I know it’s kind of late. But I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for being such a jerk. I’ve felt bad about it for a long time now.”
For some reason this makes me feel better. “Well, I forgive you.”
“Thanks.” He brightens. “And I want you to know I’ve been getting ready to break up with Sonya.”
I frown at him now, wondering why he’s telling me this.
“I already told her I didn’t think we were right for each other…and that I wanted to start going back to church again. I’ve missed that…and a lot of things.”
“Really?” I can’t help but notice that my heart is beating just a little faster.
He nods somberly. “There’s so much I miss and regret.”
I don’t say anything. Really, I’m not positive I know what he’s trying to say…where he’s going with all this. But if it’s where I think it might be, I don’t want to go there.
“So when I told Sonya that, she said she wanted to come to church too.”
“Really?” Okay, I realize I’m repeating myself, but this is an awkward situation.
“So I didn’t want to just dump her without ever taking her to church. Because I got to thinking maybe that’s what this was all about.”
“What what was all about?” I’m confused.
“You and me breaking up.”
“Huh?”
“Maybe it was so that I could bring Sonya to church. Maybe God wanted to use me to reach her. And then maybe…well, maybe she’ll be okay without me.”
“So you bring her to church and then you break up?”
“I know…it sounds lame.”
“Ya think?” I frown at him. “If you ask me, you’re developing a nasty little habit, Blake. How do you think God feels about you stringing girls along then breaking their hearts?”
He looks down at his feet. “I know, Erin…and you’re right. I’m just not sure how to deal with this stuff. Sometimes if feels easier to simply get it over with quickly. But maybe that’s wrong. I know I handled it wrong with you.”
Okay, now I am stunned. How am I supposed to react to all this? It’s particularly aggravating considering how I finally felt like I’d started to let Blake go. It’s like I’m being emotionally punked right now.
Then Blake actually reaches for my hand, and just feeling him touch me sends those same old tingles down my spine, and my head starts to feel light. “Erin, I want us to get back together. I don’t mean today. But after I straighten things out with Sonya.”
“You mean after you break up with her.”
“Yes. But this time I’ll do it right.”
I pull my hand away from his and stand up. “Do you think it’s right to be talking to me like this while you and Sonya are still together?”
His brow creases. “I don’t know.”
“Well, I do—I know how it feels to be in Sonya’s shoes.” I step away from him. “I’ve got to go.”
“Erin,” he calls after me, but I just keep going. This time I head for the women’s restroom. He can’t follow me in there. I go into a stall and close the door, then close my eyes and just breathe deeply. I’m trying to process what just happened, but it feels like my head is spinning. Why is he doing this? And why is he doing this just when I finally seem to have made some progress? What is going on?
I’m not sure how long I stay in the bathroom, but by the time I come out, it looks like Mollie and Tony have taken off. Thankfully, Blake and Sonya are gone too. I look around for Lionel, but I don’t see him, so I decide to call it a night too. Okay, it was a very weird night. I’m glad that it’s over.
I try not to think about Blake as I drive home. I honestly don’t know what kind of game he’s playing, or to what degree he expects me to be involved, but I suddenly feel the need to keep that boy at a safe distance. For my own heart’s sake as much as anything else. Sure, I was kind of pulled in there for a moment…and I felt those old feelings rising to the surface again. But at the same time I felt a little scared too. I don’t really want to be hurt again, and I don’t want to be part of hurting anyone else either. Strangely enough, I was almost starting to like Sonya tonight. Her interest in the TV show seemed genuine and she was actually being nice. And if Blake dumps her like he dumped me, well, I don’t know what I’ll do. But, one thing’s for sure; I won’t go running back to him. At least I hope I won’t.
Chapter 6
If anyone had told me one week ago that I’d consider participating in a fashion-driven reality TV show, I would’ve just laughed. Now it’s not so funny. And as we’re driving to meet with Helen, I’m still wondering how this whole thing transpired. Obviously, there are a number of factors at play here.
Because Paige’s screen test was a success, Helen offered us a contract. For some reason the contract includes me, and for some reason Paige really wants me to do this with her. That reason is probably Mom—she is adamant that I should be involved. She says it’s because this is such a great opportunity for me, but I suspect it’s also because she thinks my older sister needs a babysitter. Not that she would say that, but I have a feeling Mom thinks I might be useful for keeping Paige out of trouble.
There is another factor that’s pushed me toward signing this contract, and that’s Blake. In the past five days he’s called me about a dozen times—not that I’ve answered all of those calls. As it turns out, he did break up with Sonya.
“I don’t know why I hurt you like that last year,” he told me yesterday when I finally agreed to meet him for coffee. “I just wasn’t thinking straight back then and Sonya was really persuasive.”
“And you were easily persuaded,” I reminded him.
“But being with her wasn’t anything like being with you. You and I had fun together, Erin. We liked doing the same things. Remember our bike rides? Or going to the museum? And the video we made in the park last spring? Sonya never wanted to do anything like that. Her favorite pastime is shopping. She isn’t anything like you. And it just wasn’t the same.”
Naturally, I didn’t know how to how to respond to that. Besides wanting to say “duh” or “get a clue.” Of course, it wouldn’t be the same. Good grief, Sonya is a different person—how could it be the same? Still, I was trying to be polite.
“I’ve really missed you, Erin.” He was looking directly into my eyes then. And it wasn’t that I didn’t believe him, but I think I was overwhelmed. I kept asking myself: Why this? Why now? Why can’t I just move on? And what if I’m pulled back in and I get hurt all over again?
“I missed you too,” I finally admitted. “But I was getting over it.”
“I’m not over it.” He reached for my hand again, and this time I didn’t pull away. Part of me wanted to get up and run…but another part wouldn’t move. I guess that’s how it is with your first real love—it’s hard to let go. “And I’m not over you,” he said with sincere, dark eyes.
“This is so confusing, Blake. I really don’t understand what’s—”
“Maybe I needed to be with Sonya,” he said. “It was like being with her showed me how much better things were with you.”
That made me want to ask him why he stuck with Sonya for so long, if that was true. Instead I just studied him, trying to discern if he was really sincere. Not that Blake is an insincere person. At least he never had been before. But this whole thing just felt a tad bit flaky to me.
“I don’t know…” I felt my more sensible side ste
pping in. “I think maybe what we had is gone now, Blake. I think maybe it died and just really needs to rest in peace.”
He looked truly hurt then. “But I still love you, Erin. I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.”
Okay, he almost had me there. Despite my sensible side and my resolution not to be swept in, I could feel the tide starting to turn. This unexpected attention was flattering. Plus, it made me feel better about all those past months of being bummed and feeling rejected. Like maybe things were about to start leveling out, and life as I used to know it was about to start up again. Like that feeling of hopefulness might somehow be related to all this…or not.
That’s when I had to ask myself—if that was how Blake acted when he was supposedly still in love with me (specifically, I mean breaking my heart and dating another girl for more than half a year), why would I want to invite more of the same? Seriously, something is wrong when a guy says he never stopped loving you, but simultaneously continued dating someone else. It just doesn’t ring quite true.
Still, that other part of me was caving. I wanted to believe him, I wanted to give him another try. I knew it wasn’t reasonable, and I like to think of myself as a pretty grounded person. My heart does not rule my head—or at least I try not to let it. So I pulled my hand away from his and told him that I needed to think about all of this.
Then I stood, told him good-bye, and left.
I was barely home when Blake called me again, apologizing for coming on too strong. “I wasn’t trying to pressure you, Erin,” he said gently. “I just wanted you to know where I’m at right now. You know?”
“I appreciate that,” I told him. I was about to point out that he’d barely broken up with Sonya…and that maybe we both needed to give this thing some time. But the next thing I knew he was asking me if I would go out with him on Friday. Was he even listening to me?
“What?” I asked, wondering if maybe I’d misunderstood or just heard him wrong.
“I thought we could spend some time together—catch up on lost time.” He paused. “To start over.”
I can barely describe what happened next, but it was like an alarm went off inside of me, or a red flag was frantically waving and warning me to be cautious. Maybe it was God. “I don’t think I’m quite ready to start over,” I told Blake.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means this feels too fast…too soon for me. I was just starting to get over you and suddenly you blast back into my life and want us to get back together. It’s pretty overwhelming.”
“We can take it slower,” he said. “I don’t want to pressure you.”
“That’s good,” I told him. And I think that’s when it hit me: if I signed the contract to do the show with Paige, I would become very busy and possibly be traveling a lot. This whole thing with Blake really helped to solidify that thought, and I made up my mind.
“Here’s the deal,” I said. “It looks like this TV show is really going to happen. I mean, we haven’t signed the contract yet, but if my mom’s lawyer gives us the green light, things will probably start moving fast. It sounds like the show will take a lot of time and we’ll be traveling all over, and I just don’t see how I’ll have much time to be in a serious relationship.” I was so surprised at how freeing it felt to say that. Like a weight was being lifted.
But I could tell Blake was disappointed, and so I suggested that we could get reacquainted through email and occasional phone calls. Although he agreed to this, I could hear the hesitation in his voice. I actually wondered if he regretted breaking up with Sonya now—and that made me mad. It also made me wonder if Blake isn’t just a really needy guy—I mean, if he can’t even take a breather between relationships, if he just goes hopping from one girl to the next…well, I probably should be concerned about being in a relationship with him. Who needs another broken heart?
I’ve decided that if Blake really does love me (and that’s a pretty big if) then he should be willing to take it slow and support me in doing this show with Paige. And if what he said was true—that he never stopped loving me—then another year or so shouldn’t change anything either. Or so I’m hoping.
And that’s why I made my big announcement last night. I told Paige and Mom that I was in—that I would do the show. They were so happy that we went out for ice cream to celebrate. Mom told us that her attorney, other than a few little tweaks, felt the contract was solid and good. The starting salary wasn’t huge, but depending on the show’s success it could get better. Plus, all the travel and expenses would be covered. But the best part, according to Paige, would be the free designer clothes. I’m guessing Paige would’ve agreed to this deal even if clothes were the only form of payment.
This afternoon we’re on our way to sign the contract, but suddenly I’m feeling doubtful and insecure. What was I thinking? A show about fashion? That’s just not me. Plus, it’s hitting me anew that taking on this show means putting the brakes on my education—I’d been so excited to get into the film program at UCLA. But, like Mom says, this experience might be more valuable than taking classes, as it’s doing versus seeing. She says that she’s sure my academic advisors would encourage me to go for it, and that I can finish school afterward and end up with a really impressive bio. Even so, I feel nervous as we sit down for the second time in Helen Hudson’s office.
“I have good news,” she tells us. “The pitch was well received on the first level, and I’ll be doing a follow-up pitch with the bigwigs after Christmas. Things are really moving along. I expect we’ll have a decision in early January, which is a good thing considering that the Golden Globes are right around the corner.”
“We’ll be at the Golden Globes?” Paige’s eyes are so huge that I’m sure she’s imagining herself giving her first acceptance speech for an award, which is totally ridiculous considering she’s never even been in anything.
“The plan is to have you on the red carpet.”
“The red carpet…” Paige lets out a happy sigh. “This is so exciting.”
“And I’m also trying to get you on an episode of Malibu Beach.”
“Malibu Beach?”
“You’d be interviewing Mia Renwick and some of her friends. But I’m sure they’d like to get you involved in the storyline too. You know how they like to stir things up on that show.”
“That would be awesome,” Paige replies.
“You girls will have to hit the road running,” Helen tells us. “Filming could begin as early as January tenth. Would you be ready?”
“Absolutely,” Paige assures her.
I nod and swallow hard. Everything is happening so fast. I feel like I’m about to climb onto a wild theme park ride and that I’d better hold on tight.
Before I know it, we are signing the contracts, and as Mom and Paige discuss details, I pray that this is not all a big mistake. I suppose that sounds like I’m praying in reverse, but mostly I want to cover my bases.
We’re just getting ready to leave when Sci-fi Girl (aka Sabrina the assistant) comes in. “Fran Bishop just got here,” she tells Helen.
“Send her in.” Then we’re introduced to a girl in jeans and a T-shirt who doesn’t look much older than Paige and me. “Fran will direct On the Runway,” Helen tells us. “She’s worked on several shows for me, including Malibu Beach most recently, and she’s not only an expert on reality TV, she’s really tuned into the teen market.”
“I’m hoping we can get a jump start on this.” Fran talks quickly, as if she’s in a hurry. “We’re shooting a Malibu Beach episode in early January. In this particular episode, we’re featuring a fundraising fashion show that Mia Renwick is helping to organize—unless the whole project goes south, which is a distinct possibility that could prove just as interesting. Anyway, I’d like Paige to cover the fashion event for On the Runway. Sort of a cross-promotion opportunity and a chance for you girls to get a feel for this.” Fran peers curiously at Paige, almost as if she’s unsure of something. “Helen seems
convinced that you’ve got the right stuff to carry this show, Paige.”
“I plan to give it my best effort.” Paige smiles brightly.
“I have to admit that I wasn’t overly thrilled to take on a newbie,” Fran tells us. “But I saw your screen test and I have to agree that you appear to have potential.” She looks at me now. “And you’re going to be our camera girl? Paige’s sidekick, little sister, Girl Friday?”
“That seems to be the plan,” I say with uncertainty.
She nods, then glances at her watch. “Well, nice to meet you girls. My assistant, Leah, will be in touch sometime after Christmas with more details.” And just like that, she takes off.
“Okay, then…” Helen stands. Once again, it’s our cue to leave. “Thanks for coming in. You three have a good Christmas, and I’ll see you in a week or so.”
We’re barely out of the building and Paige is on her phone. “I’m going to be on Malibu Beach!”
I try not to listen as she gushes to Kelsey about Helen’s plan to go into production after Christmas. Mom puts her arm around me as we walk across the parking lot. “Are you doing okay?” she asks quietly.
“I guess. I mean, other than the fact my head is spinning and I’m wondering what I’ve just gotten myself into.”
“I think this is going to be a growing experience for both of you,” Mom tells me. “It means so much to Paige that you’re on board.”
As far as I can tell, Paige is in her own world as she blathers on about Mia Renwick and the Golden Globes and how this is just the beginning.
“Are we still going to Grandma’s for Christmas?” I ask.
“Of course, why wouldn’t we?”
“Oh, good.” I sigh in relief. A trip to Grandma Hebo’s rustic mountain cabin sounds like a welcome break to me. For starters, there’s no TV. Cell phone reception is spotty at best. Best of all, working in our grandmother’s less-than-modern kitchen, chopping firewood, shoveling snow, and sharing the ancient bathroom with four women and three old cats will provide a needed reality check for my “celebrity” sister. And it might give me time to think some things over too.
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