by K. B. Nelson
Summer sobs into a tissue. Tyson’s feet patter against the floor nervously. Blue holds me tightly. And I’m trapped in a theater watching Joey get struck by a car. It’s gruesome, but I can’t look away. His words have meaning, and it’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.
“Dylan wanted something in his final moments, and I wish I knew what it was. Not because it would change anything. It wouldn’t, but there’s something comforting about knowing, isn’t there?” There’s a sudden shift in his voice, the break I saw coming. I take in a deep breath and hold it. “So what do we know now? We know that we’re all here for the same reason, to mourn the passing of Dylan Parker. Or maybe we’re celebrating his existence, and the mark he left on the world. A mark that we all carry. And it was great and it was beautiful, and he was ours, and now he’s not.” His voice explodes, taking even himself off guard as he pulls back from the mic. His jaw pulls tight. His eyes flicker, trying to trap the tears. He shakes his head, then continues, “I don’t know what comes next, what comes in the future, but this mark seems too heavy a burden. When I talk about the concept of knowing, it’s all bullshit, because the only thing I know is that I loved him. And now he’s gone.
“But there has to be a light, doesn’t there? There has to be a silver lining, because without it, all that’s left is emptiness. And I suppose the day will come when the hurt begins to fade into a whisper so silent that only I’ll be able to hear it. I wish that day was tomorrow, but until then, I’ll say this. I love you, Dylan Parker. You were a friend, a brother, a nephew, a son, and there’s a hole in the world without you in it.”
Everything inside of me is paralyzed, unable to respond in any adult manner. I should cry, but I’ve been reborn as a machine. I stare blankly ahead as Joey flees the stage with grace that breaks completely once he hits the floor. His lip trembles, holding everything back until he storms past us, past his seat.
The church doors are thrown open, the flash of cool air a relief before the doors slam back shut. I should chase after him, but again, paralysis.
The speech begins to register with me. The first thing I notice is how bitter, angry, and beautiful it was.
The second thing I notice is that I’m about to be the bride running out of the church.
A preacher ascends the steps to the podium, the crowd still silent as the sound of his every step carries throughout the room. When he clears his throat to speak, I’m finally able to move. If I’m forced to sit here and listen to this man give purpose to Dylan’s death, there will likely be two coffins sitting up front. I don’t need to hear a word about God’s plan.
I pat Blue on his leg, grabbing his attention. “Wait here.”
* * *
I don’t care what the world must think of me as I sweep down the center aisle. The preacher waits to speak, for whatever reason, until I’m out the big oak doors. Joey sits on the concrete steps, his head buried in his knees. I place a hand on him softly and get the reaction I should have known I’d get. He springs to his feet, wiping the corners of his eyes furiously.
“What do you want?” He spins on his feet so that he’s both looking at me and away from me.
“I just wanted to make sure you’re all right.”
“I just needed some air.” His eyes pull tight. “I don’t know if I can go back in there.”
“I think we have to.”
He laughs softly. “I don’t have to do anything.”
“You know what I mean.”
He shakes his head. “How are you okay? How can you stand there and act like this isn’t a big deal?”
My face pulls tight. “It is.”
“Then why doesn’t it look hard for you?” The whiskey begins to take effect and his voice rises. He finally turns to face me completely. His eyes are swollen.
“I’m sorry you think that,” I say. “To be honest, I don’t feel much of anything.”
“That figures,” he mumbles under his breath.
Excuse me. My nails roll into my palm.
As the church doors are pushed open gently, Tyson glides down the steps, the bottle of Jack in one hand. “I’m taking him home.”
“You guys can’t leave.”
Joey rolls his eyes. Tyson hands Joey the bottle and takes me aside. “I don’t want to, but I’m worried what will happen if he stays.”
I unroll my fist and pinch the bridge of my nose, ready for the tears, for the release. “You’ll never have this chance to say goodbye again.”
He shrugs, not because he doesn’t care, but because there’s nothing else to do. “I already said goodbye the night I drove home alone and saw the lights.”
I know that he cares. I know they both do, but it doesn’t make sense to me for them to leave. It feels like they’re running out on the responsibility and the rest of us can’t. Joey’s halfway to the car, nursing on the bottle, and I know they’ve already made up their minds. Tyson leans into me, hugging me so tight that I can feel his pain. “I love you, Charlie,” he whispers.
When he’s ready to pull away, I latch onto him just a moment longer. We’re in this together, like we’ve always been. The motley crew of Lakeview.
* * *
The hair on my arms stands on end, and I know. The only raindrop in the sky splashes onto my hand, and I know. Thunder rips across the sky, starting with a whimper and ending in a roar, and I know. If He exists, He understands the solemn pain in all of our hearts on this long day that will shape the rest of our lives. I’m ready for the rain to rinse my soul.
Without warning, the gates of heaven open up and it’s on. No buildup and no mercy. The temperature drops in seconds, the wind cuts through the cemetery. The crowd begins to dissipate as the rain races toward the ground. The sky dims. I should follow everyone, but this is where I need to be. After everyone is gone, I’m going to need some time, because I honestly don’t know if I could ever stand to come back.
Summer touches my shoulder. The nod of my head lets her know it’s okay if she goes. Blue wraps his arm around me and I lean into him, resting my head against his shoulder.
“You ready?” he asks me.
“Not yet,” I say somberly.
He rubs my arm. “No rush.”
Being comforted by my boyfriend at my ex-boyfriend’s funeral should be awkward, but the pain is stronger. I love–loved–them both, in different ways, for different reasons. My life could have ended with either one of them, and I believe I would have been happy. Fate, or God, or Nostradamus took that choice from me.
But I’ve already made a choice between old and new, and I was content with that choice. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult now. Will I find myself in an annoying, young adult love triangle with Blue and a ghost?
The rain is freezing, but I can’t bring myself to care. Our warm breath dances in front of us, putting on a show.
CHAPTER TWENTY
I desperately need sleep, but it’s not in the cards. It’s past midnight, and whenever I try closing my eyes, I can’t fall asleep. My eyelids are sore from forcing them shut. Blue lies behind me, holding me while he sleeps peacefully. His embrace is strong, as if he believes he’ll lose me if he lets go. He has no intention of letting go. He breathes slow and shallow, well into a deep sleep.
It takes all my strength to move his arm off me and reposition myself so I’m facing him. He flinches in his sleep, and his arm finds its way back around me, pulling me in tight. A mere inch separates our faces. He’s my world now.
When it becomes clear I’ll be up all night, I pull away from him and spin my legs off the edge of the bed. He turns to his side, placing a hand under his head.
I walk into the bathroom and flip on the light. My reflection in the oversized mirror above the sink startles me—not out of surprise but because I’m tired of running into her. She’s had her soul ripped out, replaced with emptiness. Her eyes tell of a fairytale with the final, happily-ever-after pages ripped out. Her pale face sick with worry and regret. Guilt hangs over her like a
cloud, causing the lights above to flicker.
I turn away from her and flip off the light switch. It’s easier than punching the mirror into a million shattered pieces.
The water is cold at first, appropriate and pleasant against my skin, waking me up from the sleep I craved but couldn’t find. My throat begins to tighten, making it hard to breathe. I reach down and turn the hot water all the way to the right and the temperature races from cold to warm. My breaths become shallow. My hand rests on the knob until I twist the cold knob to the left. With every twist, the temperature spikes.
If we had a normally functioning water heater, I’d probably need emergency care. Steam fills the bathtub and then the entire bathroom. It clears my airways and wakes me up on the inside. For the first time today, I’m able to feel something. My skin burns and my mind races.
I grab a towel and step out of the shower. The bathroom light flickers on. My eyes squint shut, the brightness disorienting me. “Blue?”
“Are you okay? It’s like a sauna in here.”
My eyes adjust to the light, and I see him standing at the doorway, steam billowing around him. “I’m good. I just needed a shower.”
“It’s really late,” he says, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“I know, but I can’t stay here. I need to get out.”
His palm falls to the frame of the door, and he leans against it. “Where do you wanna go? I’ll take you.”
* * *
The moonlight bounces off the highway and the headlights shine through the darkness. Blue’s too tired to say much. It seems to be a chore for him to stay awake, his eyes blinking a million times a minute. The occasional yawn from him and the tires spinning against the wet pavement break through the deafening silence. I face the window, my eyes transfixed by the forest flying behind us. Every tree passed is another memory coming back to haunt me, like that night Dylan, Tyson, Joey, Summer and I spent the night in the woods playing a never-ending game of flashlight tag.
The blinker flicks on, stealing my attention. There’s a hypnotic quality to the beat of the flashing lights as we slow down, making a careful right turn onto Joey’s dirt road. The rain hasn’t stopped since the funeral, but it’s turned into a light sprinkle. Everyone at the party is probably soaked. Party. What an obnoxious word in the context of what today was. It fits all the parameters of the word—after all, there are people socializing with a healthy dose of booze. Still, it feels so wrong, and calling this a celebration of life doesn’t take the sting out of it either.
We pull to the side of the road, parking behind a string of cars, all sitting dangerously close to a foot-deep ditch. The driveway’s packed with cars, and I’d bet that nobody’s leaving until sunrise. The front of the farmhouse looks void of human life, and all the inside lights are out.
I hop out of the Jeep, almost jumping into the ditch. We cross the slick road, and as we make our way through the maze of parked cars, I hear people for the first time. It’s a slight relief that this isn’t just another loud party with drunks behaving like juveniles. This will be different. We’re not here for the sole purpose of getting trashed and having fun. We are here to remember the young man we’ve all lost.
Behind the house is a bonfire, burning hot and high. About twenty former classmates stand around the smoldering blaze. Some have beer in their hands, other have Solo cups. Most stand with their hands in their pockets. As we move closer to the crowd, my stomach begins to come unhinged. I thought I wanted a peaceful, somber affair, but I begin to crave a long night that will lead to a total blackout. It’s sudden, but I want to bury my grief in a bottle of whiskey. Everybody knows that’s the simplest, most efficient way to let it all out. It also brings the bonus perk of not being able to remember.
It’s Joey’s party, but he’s nowhere to be seen. He must be off somewhere else, doing something else. God knows what. Tyson’s also absent, probably off in the forest or in the house. Maybe he’s with Joey. From across the flames, Summer spots me. She leaves the circle and greets us, the hood of her soaked jacket covering her head.
“I didn’t think you were coming,” she says.
“I wasn’t going to, but I couldn’t sleep.”
“I know the feeling.” She looks over to Blue, and forces a grin. “Hey, fair boy.”
A smile forms on my face. It’s a fleeting moment of happiness, but for the first time in days, I’m able to do anything besides feel empty.
“Hi,” he replies, followed by a yawn that he shakes off. “I’m going to go get a drink. You want one?”
Lying, I shake my head. When the time’s right, I’ll sneak off and drink on my own. Blue lets go of my hand slowly, until he knows that it’s okay, and he walks toward his apartment–the garage.
“Where are Joey and Tyson?” I ask.
Summer looks behind her, then back to me, shrugging her shoulders. “I’m not sure. They were here a minute ago.”
“How were they after the funeral?”
“They’ve been drinking since they left. They’re both wasted.”
“Are they okay?”
“Tonight? No,” she says, and her eyes sink. “Not tomorrow, or next week, but one day they’ll wake up and realize it’s not healthy to hold onto the past. What about you?”
I’m the furthest thing from being okay. I know that. I’m choking on empty screams, and they’re silent, but I understand deep down that in time, I’ll be okay. “Give me time,” I say somberly.
“I hear you on that,” she says. “I already hate that I’m leaving tomorrow. I feel like I need to be here, you know?’
“Where are you going?” I ask blankly.
She cocks an eyebrow. “School.”
I had forgotten about it, the fact that she was in school. She’s only been gone a few weeks, so her being around these past few days remind me of the way things used to be. It also reminds me of the way things could have been, if I had followed the plan and gone to college. Maybe none of this would have happened. Dylan still would have driven drunk. He did it all the time, but he probably wouldn’t have done it that night, at that time. I know I shouldn’t blame myself, but I can’t turn off the split-screen movie running fervently through my mind, stuck on replay. On one side of the reel is reality, and on the other, an alternate reality where everything isn’t so fucked up.
“I really wish I could stay,” she says.
I perk up. Maybe it’s time for a new reality for myself. “I wish I could go with you.”
She places her palm on my shoulder, gripping me just tight enough that it’s comforting. “You have no idea how much I would like that.” She smiles. “But you’ve got things here you need to take care of.”
She reminds me of what I already know, though something tells me that she’s talking more about my mom than Blue. She probably doesn’t know my mom is much better, or how quickly the change transpired. Involuntarily, I frown, reflecting on my decisions and the things I have no control over.
“There’s always next semester, though. You should really consider it,” she says with enthusiasm.
“Consider what?” Blue asks from behind me.
I turn to him. He’s holding two beers, one in each hand. That’s my Blue, always doing the right thing, even when he’s been told not to. “Nothing important.” I don’t want him to know I’m thinking about leaving just as we’re growing closer. Columbus isn’t too far from Lakeview, but going away to college, no matter the distance, brings its fair share of complications. Especially for a newer couple, and we have enough complications as it is. In my mind, as it stands, I can have one or the other—Blue or an education.
I grab a beer and take a short sip. It’s cool and calming. An arm wraps around my neck, pulling me in for a hug from the back. “Charlie,” Joey slurs. The scent of malt overpowers me. He pulls back, looks at Blue, and gives him an unpleasant nod. “I’ll be right back.”
He walks between Blue and me. I sense his intention is to cut between us with purpose, and he does
. Blue rubs his hand across my back. Joey chuckles wickedly, and then spins around on one foot, almost fumbling to the ground. “Could you stop doing that?”
Stop doing what?
“Stop pretending like you’re so in love, and if you are in love, stop that, too. It’s making me nauseous.” He grimaces.
“Joey,” I plead softly, hoping he’ll leave it alone.
“What, Charlie?” he asks with a mocking tone. “Don’t want to hear what everybody’s thinking?” His hands wave in the air, a can of beer about to fly across the red sky.
“We’re all hurting.”
“He’s dead, Charlie. Dylan is dead.” It’s starting to turn into a scene as random heads crane toward us. “Remember him? You used to love him, and now he’s just some dead guy you used to know.”
Blue steps forward, putting an arm around Joey. “Okay, I think that’s enough. Let’s go for a walk.”
Joey brushes Blue off him, his face distorted. “Don’t touch me.”
“Come on,” Blue says.
Joey ignores him and laughs a little. “Seriously, Charlie? Can you take your boyfriend somewhere else? You’re not welcome here.”
Fuck you. “You’re just drunk,” I say, on the verge of tears. He’s too drunk to cry. The sadness is gone, lost somewhere in the bottom of a bottle, and all that’s left is anger.
“Tell me something I don’t know.” He stumbles backward. Blue grabs onto his arm, steadying him. Joey glares at him. “Didn’t I tell you to leave?”
“Sorry, cousin, I’m not going anywhere.”
I go to move toward the testosterone, but Summer holds me back, wrapping an arm around me.
“Is that right?” Joey asks. Blue answers with a nod and receives a quick punch to the face. I race toward Blue as he fumbles backward. I catch him in my arms and shake my head at Joey.