by Heidi Hormel
He slammed down the bottle of water he’d pulled from the fridge. “What the hell do you want from me?”
“I want you to be honest with me and yourself.”
“You want honesty. I want to love you, but how can I when loving you means you giving up your dream?”
“I already told you how that will work.”
“You say it, but there’s no way you won’t resent me, just like you did when I was a resident, when you lost Violet.”
Jessie opened her mouth and then closed it. “I don’t have a good track record, but even you can see that I’m different. I came here and I’ve laid everything on the table. I haven’t kept back one thing.”
He wanted to believe that they could be different. He didn’t want to go to Philadelphia and leave a part of himself here. Was Jessie really telling him the truth not only about her feelings but also about her dreams? “Why now?”
“Even Molly is afraid to cross me,” she said, and her smile trembled. “That’s not true. Well, it’s true, but it’s not why. I knew you would be gone and that I’d never see you again. Just the thought of that made me cry. I just sat and cried.”
“I...I don’t know what to say...what to do.”
Jessie hurried to him. “You don’t have to do anything but be you. That sounds like a sappy greeting card. But I mean it. I don’t want anyone but you.” Her green gaze searched his face. “Just like I have to ask for help, you know sometimes you’ve got to let someone else take the reins.”
“You mean you?”
“No. I mean us. Together, honestly, we can do anything. Look what we’ve already done for Hope’s Ride and for all of these children.”
He wanted to believe her, and he wanted to believe in what his heart had been telling him. That for him there was no woman but Jessie, never had been and never would be. Could he really drop the reins and let Jessie, fate or whatever take over?
But it wasn’t really that, was it? He only needed that control to keep himself from being too scared to do anything, too afraid to make a big mistake. The tightness in his chest loosened. Jessie and he could never be a mistake. Maybe their timing was crappy. They had been too young for marriage, but look at what they had done together now. No matter what, even in the darkest days of their marriage, Payson had known that Jessie would be there for him. Maybe that was what had hurt the most, when she’d turned from him after Violet.
Now, though, the years apart and all of that hurt had taught him so much, including how precious what they had was—and how rare. He looked up. Jessie had moved very, very close and a shiver of awareness raced through him, making him hot and cold at the same time.
“Jessie,” he said, his voice low and choked. She closed the millimeters of space between them. His arms automatically went around her, making him feel just right. “My sweet, beautiful cowgirl...I love you,” he said with relief. His heart had always known it, but his darned brain had been too afraid to accept the truth. “I love you,” he repeated, kissing her mouth, her cheeks, tasting salty tears.
“Payson,” she whispered, holding him tightly, her lips closing over his.
He explored her mouth slowly, remembering with joy the pleasure of being together, of loving each other. Her fingertips dug into his shoulders, holding him in place as she darted out her tongue to taste him. Touching her body fed that part of him that had been empty since they’d been apart. He wanted her here and now. He wanted to take his time, not just steal a few kisses. He ached to show her what she meant to him. How he couldn’t and hadn’t been really living without her.
* * *
“JESSIE, HONEY,” PAYSON whispered to her, pulling his lips away enough to speak. “I love you and I want to, you know.”
She laughed softly, “Me, too. I want to ‘you know’ again and again.” She scattered small butterfly-soft kisses all over his face, so happy that she couldn’t contain the laugh that bubbled out of her. She stood, pulling him with her. She had to kiss him from his toes to his lovely mouth. That very clever mouth that she hoped he’d use to “you know.” She laughed again, pulling him to her and kissing him hard.
Payson pulled her more tightly against him with a quick, hard kiss that she turned into a soft meeting of their lips, showing him that she loved him and that she would never leave him again. His hands moved down her body and pushed her away just a little.
“Stop fooling around,” she gasped, running her fingers through his thick hair as she tugged him gently toward her to revel in his amazingly expressive and loving mouth.
He moved his head to her touch, but instead of their mouths meeting, his breath whispered across her ear as he said, “Good things come to those who wait.” Then his soft lips nibbled their way to the place where her neck met her shoulder. She shuddered delicately. He paused and she made a small noise of protest. He kissed her forehead tenderly. “Not the kitchen tonight. I want you stretched out on my...our bed, where I can see and taste every sweet inch of your skin.”
They walked down the hall to his bedroom side by side, hips brushing, fingers entwined. “I’m so glad you kept our bed,” she said.
“That should have been a sign, huh?”
“Yes,” she said, spinning him to face her, so that he could see into her eyes and could see how serious she was. She kissed him with every ounce of her love. She didn’t want him to doubt that this was what she wanted and that he was the only man for her. Her mouth stayed locked on his, her tongue dancing with his, making it clear that she wanted him and what he meant to her. Together she knew now that they could face anything. Her independence did not make her who she was. Loving Payson was what made her the Jessie who could help children, who might just be able to love another child. She clasped him to her.
“I love you, too, Jessie. I will and have always loved you,” he said when he broke their kiss just enough to tell her that. It left her with no doubt. He led her to the bed where he slowly, tenderly undressed her. She returned the favor and the two of them renewed their love right there in the bed that had always been the safe and loving place in their marriage.
* * *
MUCH LATER, AFTER they’d both lost control and then finally come back to themselves, Payson pressed Jessie’s hand to his mouth for a kiss and said, “I know you’ll think this is crazy, and I can’t believe I’m saying this. I want you to think about us getting married again.”
Jessie didn’t say anything because her breath had left her. She scrambled to make sense of his words. Finally, she choked out, “That’s what I want, too, but—”
“Too soon?”
“No, sweetie, no,” she said, squeezing his leg and smiling at him. “But don’t you think we need to settle a few things before we consider taking the plunge again?”
He nodded and she saw his face relax into a shy smile. “I’ll start. I want to have children.”
“I do, too,” Jessie said without hesitation.
“I would like us to try right away. When we weren’t sure if you were pregnant, I knew then that I wanted children, and I wanted those children with you,” Payson said. His dark gaze stayed focused on her and their brightness convinced her that everything he said was coming from his heart. “I know any babies we have won’t replace Violet, but having more babies together will honor the love that made her.”
The sharp blow of pain she expected didn’t come. Talking with him about a future and about babies didn’t stir the usual bottomless ache. Instead, she felt tenderness for their baby and for Payson.
“No baby can replace Violet and I want to have a child...children...but I’ll definitely need you to be there for everything. The doctor’s appointments, the morning sickness, the delivery room, everything.”
“Jessie, I promise you now that when we have a baby, I will be so annoying because I want to be a part of everything. You may regret asking me.”
He stroked her hand.
The last little part of her heart that had been frozen since Violet and the divorce melted. “Then I’ll expect you to stick around even when I’m telling you to go and telling you that I can do it all on my own. I need you to remind me that I have to ask for help.”
“I promise to remind you. And you’ll tell me when I want to be in control, when I’m trying to orchestrate every detail, right?”
She nodded, leaned forward and kissed him softly with all of the promise of the passion they’d just shared.
“Now, Philadelphia,” she said firmly. They talked about their careers and their ambitions. And when they got tired of talking, they snuggled down into the sleigh bed, whispering love to each other until they found sweet oblivion in each other’s arms, falling asleep tangled together and content. They knew their love would see them through because they were older, wiser and willing to bend.
* * *
“I’M STARVED,” PAYSON SAID when they woke after a brief nap. He got up and walked naked to the kitchen. Jessie rolled into the space that smelled like him and their loving. When he came back into the room in all of his yummy nakedness, she didn’t even notice the plate in his hand. “Before we eat,” he said, “I need you to sit on the edge of the bed.”
Then he did the one thing Jessie never expected. Payson kneeled before her, taking her hand in his, smoothing his hand over the spot where eventually a ring would go.
“Jezebel Maybelle Leigh MacCormack,” he said, keeping his eyes locked with hers. “I love you. I have always loved you and will always love you. I will love the children that we create and I will love the home that we make. Will you marry me?”
“Payson Robert MacCormack, I love you and I will marry you again.”
Epilogue
“Oh, hell,” said Lavonda, who rarely swore.
Jessie followed her line of sight, sprang out of the rocker and sprinted across the yard. “Molly!” she yelled. The little pony didn’t turn. She walked calmly away from the barn with a line of horses following her.
“How can we help?” Lavonda asked as she neared the parade.
Jessie didn’t hesitate as she gave Lavonda, Spence and Payson orders about what to do to round up the animals. She would deal with Molly, whose bad behavior had increased exponentially over the past month. Jessie’s attention had been diverted by wedding plans that had ratcheted up to full gear and by Payson staying at the house whenever he flew home from Philadelphia. It wasn’t a long-term solution, but it worked for now.
Jessie walked toward the little pony with slow steps. Molly backed up and bared her teeth. Calming herself and wishing she had an apple or gummy-worm bribe, Jessie took another step forward.
“She looks like one of my patients when they’re being particularly bad,” Payson said from behind Jessie’s shoulder. Molly stomped her hoof. Jessie felt Payson’s stifled chuckle. “What do you want me to do?” he asked softly.
“I want someone to get this pony to behave,” she answered. “I’m going to be the worst mother in the world.”
Payson had been sure that they’d talked through everything. Parenthood had been at the top of their list. They’d discussed how many children and even which colleges they’d like them to attend. In all of that, Jessie had never said anything about being worried that she couldn’t be a good mother. She mothered every single one of the children who came through Hope’s Ride. How could she think she wouldn’t be good at it? He was the one who had doubts. Sure, he treated young children, but he only worked on their bodies. Anything difficult, like dealing with tears, he usually left to their parents or the nursing staff.
Payson whispered in Jessie’s ear, “You will be a great mother. You’ll have to help me. I’ll be the one who wants everything to run on a schedule and for them to hit every milestone right on time. I’ll be the one taking them to the doctor every fifteen minutes. I can’t even imagine them as teens.”
Jessie made a noise that was somewhere between a sniffle and a laugh. “I keep thinking about being up half the night with the baby and then falling asleep at work and having a child fall off a horse or something. How can I raise children and run Hope’s Ride?”
“You’ll have help, Jessie,” Payson said, and wrapped his arms around her from behind so both of them could keep their eyes on the unpredictable Molly.
“I guess.”
“You will, and not just me. Your mom and dad, your siblings, Spence, Helen, everyone will help out. You don’t have to do it alone to prove you’re the best mother in the world.”
“Keep reminding me of that,” Jessie said and leaned her head back on his shoulder. He could feel her relaxing. “And I’ll remind you that you can’t control everything when you try to keep our babies safely locked up in a crib and away from their ponies. I’ll remind you of that when they want to borrow the keys to the car.”
She was right. They worked together because they understood each other’s weaknesses. “I love you, Jessie,” he said and let his lips brush against her hair.
She squeezed the arms wrapped around her. “I love you, too, Payson.”
They stood for long moments, enjoying the bubble of their love. Everything was right when they remembered that they loved each other.
Jessie was brought back to the dust and heat when she heard a small hoof stamp the ground again, this time followed by a whinny. She didn’t move from Payson’s arms, but she did glare at Molly.
“What’s her problem?” he asked.
“She’s annoyed with me.”
“For putting her in the barn? I thought she liked staying with Bull. Isn’t that why you asked your brother to give you his horse, so she would have her friend?”
“That’s not what has her annoyed. I don’t even know how a pony can know this, but Lavonda and I were talking about the wedding one day as Molly followed us around. Lavonda said that it would be cute to have Molly as the ring bearer. I said no. Since then she’s been acting like a spoiled brat,” Jessie said.
“You hurt her feelings?” Payson asked. She could hear something between dismay and humor in his voice.
“Who knows? She might just be miffed because the children aren’t paying enough attention to her,” Jessie said, exasperated by the pony’s behavior.
Jessie hadn’t realized that Lavonda and Spence had joined them until her sister spoke. “Jessie’s right. Molly has been horrible since she heard she can’t be the ring bearer.”
“This is exactly why she can’t be,” Jessie said to the pony.
“Give her a chance, darlin’,” Spence drawled.
“Yeah, Jessie, give her a chance,” Payson said.
She looked at the pony, who then took a step toward them. Jessie moved reluctantly from Payson’s arms and closer to Molly. “All right. You can be the ring bearer, but you only get one piece of cake.” The pony nodded her head up and down before sauntering off to the barn.
“Our kids are going to walk all over us,” Jessie said to Payson.
“Probably,” he said. “But they’ll be happy and loved. That’s what counts.” He pulled her into his arms again and kissed her hard.
* * *
JESSIE HAD KNOWN her family wouldn’t think anything of Molly acting as ring bearer. Spence hadn’t blinked an eye either, but the rest of the MacCormacks, who’d been communicating about the wedding via text and voicemail, had suggested a number of possible alternatives to an “equine stunt,” from a friend of a friend’s grandson to simply having no ring bearer. She and Payson had stood firm. Of course, it had all seemed like fun and good times until this minute. Jessie had been called from the house to deal with diva Molly, who’d been laying back her ears and showing her teeth every time anyone got close to her with the pillow. Jessie didn’t mind the minicrisis. She’d been at the house going quietly crazy, sitting around in her cream
y full-length dress with an overlay of organza and a short train that made her feel feminine and bridal. She’d refused to have any lace, but the softness of the layers kept the dress from being too stark. She and Payson had known that it was unusual to go for a formal wedding the second time, especially when it was to the same person and when it was held in the ranch yard. They wanted to make sure that everyone understood how serious they were about their vows and their commitment to each other.
“Miss Jessie,” Alex said as she came over to her. “You look beautiful.”
“Thank you, Alex. You look very handsome.” She smiled at the little boy in his Western-style tuxedo. He’d been drafted to lead Molly down the aisle.
“Did you give Molly her treat before you tried to put on the pillow?” Jessie asked, addressing both Alex and Lavonda, who was standing nearby in her maid of honor dress—an off-the-rack gown in a ruby red that looked spectacular on her.
“Yep. We also brushed her with her favorite curry comb to get her mane that shiny,” Lavonda said. “And we didn’t wake her too early.” In short, they had followed all of the instructions to keep Molly as happy as possible on this big day.
Jessie admired the pony’s shiny coat and the little wreath of flowers sitting jauntily over her ears. “Now, my girl,” she said to Molly, “what is your problem? When I told you that you could be the ring bearer, I believe you promised to behave.” The pony stomped her hoof in answer, just missing Jessie’s white cowgirl-booted foot.
Jessie looked into Molly’s brown eyes, trying to understand what had annoyed the pony today of all days. Jessie glanced over and saw Payson pacing at the altar, which had been set up by the catering company that his parents had insisted on hiring. Spence stood near his brother, texting without a pause, even as he smiled vaguely toward a friend of hers.
Jessie looked at Molly again, who now gazed fixedly at Payson. Jessie groaned. Of course the diva was unhappy now that she’d figured out she wouldn’t be the center of attention. Well, nothing else about this marriage and ceremony was traditional. There was no reason to think the walk down the aisle would be. She beckoned Payson over.