by Sally Henson
Susanna laughs at my story. “They really gave him a black eye?”
I nod my head. “Yeah.”
Her features soften. “What’s going on with you and Lane, then?”
My shoulder hitches. “Lane’s at school. I’m here in this piece-of-crap town. He comes home when he’s not working.”
“You think you’ll stay best friends?” She has the same blue eyes as I do, and they see right through me.
My gaze shifts away from Susanna. “Of course, we’re best friends.” She knows something’s up. “Dad tried to tell us Lane needed to find a guy best friend. I don’t know what he was thinking, but he acted like I was the plague to Lane.”
“Who’s he going out with?” She rushes the words out, barely letting me finish my sentence. I’m not sure she’s even listening to me.
Technically, Lane and I aren’t going out. I can’t let her know about us. She’ll let it slip with her mom, and her mom will call my mom, and it’ll be over. It may be over already, anyway. “I don’t think he’s seeing anyone.”
“Regan,” she sighs. “I don’t want you to follow in my footsteps. I thought I made that very clear.”
I shake my head. “What are you talking about?”
She drops her arms to her sides, dipping her head. “Are you going to stand there and tell me there’s nothing going on between you two? I’ve heard the rumors about you holding hands at church, and I’ve seen the way you light up when you say his name or someone talks about him. I’m not blind.”
Suddenly my legs feel weak. I drag myself to the small table and chairs before my legs give out. “Look, Susanna, we really were best friends.” I fiddle with my fingernails and don’t dare try to meet her gaze, for fear she’ll see how right she is.
She takes two steps, finding a seat at the table across from me. “I poured out every detail of my life so that you wouldn’t make the same mistakes.” She aims her hand at me. “You’re about to screw your whole life up! Why are you doing this to yourself?” She stares right into my brain as if lasers are probing my mind.
“Whoa,” I hold my palms up to her. “I’m still following my plan.” Sort of.
“How many guys cheat when they’re off at college?”
My shoulders slump with the trepidation from Sunday’s ride to Tobi’s. I know he’s struggling. He told me himself. My body is starting to feel the heaviness of this whole thing. I lift my stinging eyes to hers.
“Lane’s a good-looking guy. Girls will be practically throwing themselves at him.” She squeezes my hands, but it’s not comforting at all.
Hearing the words that have been floating in my brain come from her strangles my heart. I don’t want it to be true. “How do you know what Lane is or isn’t going to do? You don’t really know him, and not all guys act like Jesse.” I shouldn’t have pulled the Jesse card. Now I feel like a total jerk.
She releases my hands. “Here’s the thing, Regan, guys aren’t girls. They don’t think like girls or act like girls because, they’re not girls. There’s going to be someone. An old girlfriend, a lab partner, a cute girl from a club, a girl he’s on a project with that ends up being a study buddy—someone will get his attention.”
My stomach sinks even further. I basically told her Lane and I are together by defending him. I risked its getting back to my parents, and it might be for nothing.
“I’ve seen it happen over and over. In case you don’t remember, Jesse was a good guy … once.” She turns away from me and stares out the window next to the table.
Susanna’s warnings have never left me. They hang out in the back of my mind. Yes, they’ve been waning since Lane and I became a thing, but he said he wouldn’t cheat on me. But everyone is telling me he will. And even Sunday, I could feel him slipping through my fingers.
I press my fingers against my temples, trying to force the headache I now have to go away. Old girlfriend? Yeah, he’s got one of those at college. Girl from a club? I don’t know, maybe. He never told me he went to watch his roommate’s band play. So who knows what else he isn’t telling me.
“Momma,” Abby calls for Susanna. She’s toddled into the kitchen.
Susanna comes back to the present as she looks beside the table to her precious little girl. “Hey, sweetie.” She pulls her into her arms, kissing her cheek. “Are you hungry?”
Abby nods.
“Momma’s heating our supper.” Susanna stands, shuffling Abby to her hip, and checks the food in the microwave. “Just a few more minutes.” She brushes her finger down Abby’s nose.
She goes back to mixing whatever she has in the bowl while holding Abby. “You might think I’m being harsh, but I just don’t want you to get hurt, or make a mistake you can’t take back. I don’t want to see you in my shoes. Abby doesn’t deserve this life. She didn’t ask to grow up without a dad, or to live in a shit trailer, or have a mom who’s so busy working and going to school she barely has time to love her.”
Susanna hugs Abby tight, cooing “Did you, baby? I didn’t think with my brain. No, I didn’t.” She layers kisses on Abby’s face, stroking her straight dark locks. “You know, no one ever thinks the bad stuff will happen to them. Well, it does. I’m living proof.”
This week has been crap from the beginning. It keeps getting worse. I can’t seem to control my heart with Lane. It’s hard to deal with things out of my control. I’m not sure what to do.
Susanna’s steely eyes lock on mine. “My choices made this life for her. Don’t slip up and make the same mistakes. It’s not only you who could be paying for it. You don’t want a little Abby of your own until you’re ready to be a mom. Being a parent is forever. What’s a few years of waiting?”
Susanna grabs the high-chair and drags it to the center of the kitchen, strapping Abby in. “Let’s get you a little snack.” She washes Abby’s hands and gives her pieces of banana.
The waterworks keep threatening to turn on full blast, but I’ve been able to keep them at bay. I could use a distraction and my mom to show up. Like right now. “You’re such a cutie.” I move to the chair closest to Abby. “I can do that.” I hold my hand out for Susanna to let me help.
“Thanks.” She hands me the banana and knife, and turns to swap the containers in the microwave. I’ve always soaked up like a sponge every conversation Susanna’s had with me. But I just want to get out of here tonight.
I coo at Abby and watch her little fingers pick up the pieces of fruit, smashing it and stuffing it into her mouth. “She gets more on her face and fingers than in her mouth.”
Susanna chuckles. “Yeah, she’s a messy Bessie.” She turns and fluffs Abby’s hair. “Aren’t you?” Her face grows stern when she looks back to me. “What are your plans for college?”
I toss the peel in the garbage and wash my hands and knife at the sink. “I still want to go into marine science. I found a great college in Florida I want to go to. Now, I just need to figure out how to get there.”
“Good. I bet your dad’s happy about you going into science.” She pulls out a couple paper plates and sets them on the table.
I lean my back against the counter, crossing my legs and arms. “Not so much anymore. He’s trying to control my life. I don’t know why.”
There’s a knock on the door.
She hugs me before answering it. “Stay focused on your future. Leave the boys alone for a few more years.”
25
Regan
Haylee’s going to make sure the bus for the field trip doesn't leave me, while I rush off to the bathroom before I pee my pants. I sigh when I walk into the Columbia-blue-and-white tiled room. Being late makes me grouchy. Pfft. Who am I kidding? I’ve been in a bad mood since Lane left Sunday. Add to that; every person my bus picked up this morning on the way to school was dragging butt and made the bus ten minutes later than usual. Some freshman kid who looks like he’s still in sixth grade asked me out this morning, and I have to wear a coat because it’s unseasonably cold today. I’d say I’m handli
ng everything pretty well, so far.
It’s a struggle, though, to pull my arms out of this bulky coat in the tiny bathroom stall without my coat touching the nasty toilet. I grunt out a frustrated sigh. The conversation with Susanna from last night won’t stop swirling in my head. I already have a knot in my chest this morning. It grows and spreads, while Linc and Dad’s negative predictions mix with Susanna’s.
I finally get the coat off and hang it on the hook on the back of the stall door and sigh as I cop-a-squat over the pot. Someone stifles a giggle through a completely conspicuous cough a couple toilets down. I roll my eyes and sigh to myself. When they step out, I decide it’s better to make sure they’re good and gone before I leave my stall. I sigh with relief as I open the door.
“Why all the sighs today?”
I stumble backward a step and bang my head on the stall door. I thought I was the only one in here.
Laughter erupts and continues rolling while I wash my hands. Tobi's doubled over, with both arms wrapped around her gut by the exit door.
I give her my evil eye through the reflection of the mirror. “It wasn't that funny.” I walk out the door, still in a snit. “Why does everyone find it hilarious to sneak up on me? It’s no wonder I’m jumpy.”
Tobi follows me out, still laughing. “Oh, it was so funny.” She wipes the tears from her eyes.
We climb the steep steps of the bus and find Haylee. Stacey narrows her eyes at me as I walk past her at the front near Mr. Kellen. I heard she babysits for him. Science isn't her forte so she needs to be on good terms with him for her grade's sake. But Stacey babysitting? I can’t imagine her being nice to little kids.
Stacey hasn't said one word to me or the gang about her appearance at Tobi's party. Strangely, she hasn’t spoken to me at all. Only through the snarly looks she throws at me. And I haven’t heard one drop of gossip about Lane’s hugging on her or, gross, a lie about the two of them making out. Nothing. Ugh, I rub my sternum with my knuckles. That girl gives me heartburn, just thinking about her. My guess is she's storing it up for when she thinks she'll need it for ammo.
Tobi sits beside Haylee, and I sit in the seat across the aisle from them. The bus is finally on the interstate, and Tobi shows us my inspiration for the day.
7:30 AM Text from Lane. “Morning ladies. Hope you’re ready for BEST day of your life ha-ha. On way to class. Meet you for lunch ”
My shoulders relax and the heartburn from Stacey disappears. For as long as I can remember, Lane’s had that calming, comforting effect on me. Besides, Stacey’s not the only one trying to keep us apart. Susanna stirred up some things I’d put aside since he left for college. To top off Susanna’s griping me out last night, the first of Paul’s tools asked me out this morning on the way to school. A freshman. I had to endure his presence in my seat on the bus for half the drive. It was so annoying.
Haylee asks where we're meeting for lunch. It’s some chicken sandwich place I’ve never heard of that’s popular in the South. Sleep came intermittently last night. Slowly their conversation becomes white noise as I look forward to seeing Lane. I had so many wacky dreams about being stuck in this town and following in Susanna’s footsteps. In my dream, I even lived in the same trailer.
It’s only been three days since I’ve seen him, but his absence seems to scream at me—even if I’m not sure how he feels about us anymore. I try to think about a time when things were easier for the two of us … our summer’s end. My head rests against the cool glass window. It’s too cold for my liking today, but I’m finally warm and toasty in my heavy coat.
My mind flashes back to hiding out in the horse barn. Lane rubbed my cold arms to warm me. His lips were warm, too. Suddenly, my brain shifts to Sunday. I’m starting to have second thoughts about coming today. Can I let go of his kisses and go back to best friends?
Remember the look on his face when you gave him the guitar. Think about his kiss after you gave him his birthday gift that made you feel like you were tangled up in the flames with him. That’s a memory worth stewing over.
Tobi shakes my shoulder. “Rey, wake up.”
I look toward her voice.
They’re both looking at me with smirks on their faces as if they know something I don’t.
Haylee points to the corner of her smiley mouth. “You got a little drool there.”
I rub my mouth with the back of my hand, stretching, recovering from my slouch. That was a quick ride. I feel a smile spread across my lips as I look out the window again, only I actually see our surroundings this time. There's the building that looks like a castle. It’s a landmark, a symbol of Eastern Illinois University. The hold that , Linc, Dad, and Susanna have on me loosens. Eastern offers only one thing I have any interest in ... Lane Oliver Cary. Hopefully, Tobi and Haylee will be the buffer we’re going to need.
As the bus slowly drives down the streets of the EIU campus, Mr. Kellen gives us the Do's and Don'ts speech, including how we’re a representation of the school and of him. To be respectful and not squander the opportunity Eastern has granted by putting on this Science Extravaganza. And just in case anyone thinks about ditching, we have an essay due tomorrow on the EIU science department and all we learn today.
“Meet back at the bus before three. If you’re one minute late, I will call your parents, and you will be banned from all field trips the rest of the year.” It’s a little hard to take Mr. Kellen seriously. He looks about the same age as we are. “Now go explore your future.”
Mr. Kellen’s a new teacher this year. Besides being young and full of energy, he’s surprisingly poetic for a science teacher, which is part of why most of his students like him. And he's surprisingly non-boring for a teacher, too. Therefore, we have more than fifteen people in the science club this year. That and the fact that he's flames. Yeah, Tobi's lovely descriptive for good-looking males of the human species. My body warms and I bite my lip to hide my smile. Lane sometimes, oftentimes, looks better than flames.
Mr. Kellen stands outside the yellow bus as we exit, waiting for each one of us to say, “See you back here before three o'clock, Mr. Kellen”, and then he hands us a map of the Science Extravaganza on campus. The cold wind occasionally gusts through the door and blows my hair as I stand at the top of the stairs. The thought of Lane continues to warm me and it doesn’t seem cold at all outside right now.
From this vantage point, I can see who-all’s on the trip. When Tobi and I got on the bus, we were looking for Haylee, and I didn't pay attention to anyone else, except for the snake eyes Stacey gave me when I passed by her. Cam had to leave school early for some reason today. I’m sure he’s still mad at me for breaking rule number three, because he barely even talks to me anymore.
Something else is missing, though. Stacey's cronies. My brows scrunch together. She's here, exposed, without protection? Something’s up. The connections are coming together. I cough and sputter, almost choking on my own gasp of air.
Tobi turns around and pats me on the back. “You okay?”
I nod and clear my throat as Tobi gives Mr. Kellen what he wants to hear. No way. Stacey’s into Mr. Kellen.
It's my turn to regurgitate the line. I can’t look away from Stacey. My eyes are wide, mouth dry. It should be easy enough to repeat the words Mr. Kellen wants to hear, but I can’t stop the thought of Stacey and the cute new science teacher … together, as in to-geth-er. This is an amusing delight for me.
Stacey stands off to the side with a fancy satchel-type purse over her shoulders watching him and scrolling through her phone. The white winter hat she’s wearing matches her coat. I must admit, she looks pretty today. That’ll change as soon as her forked tongue starts moving, though.
“Miss Stone?” Mr. Kellen calls my attention back to him. Stacey doesn't even flinch or look at me when she hears my name. She's off her game. “What time are you going to be back here?”
The frigid wind blows through my open coat, bringing me to the present. I glance around, looking for my friends
. Haylee waves me over.
“Uh, sorry.” I look back to Mr. Kellen. “Three o’clock.”
Haylee runs up to me and hooks my arm. When we meet up with Tobi, she snakes her arm through mine. The three of us motor away from the stadium parking lot with Haylee singing, “We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Regan.”
“The wizard of Regan! Bawhahahaha.” Tobi laughs. Haylee laughs. I roll my eyes and shake my head. It’s not that funny, but entertaining enough. If they keep this up, time should fly by.
They want to start at the top of the map and go from there. I don't really care. The science department here holds no interest to me because they don't offer anything in my field. Besides, EIU is too close to home. I need more distance than this. At least ten times further away. And it's in the opposite direction of where I plan to be.
The only reason I signed up to go on this field trip was to see Lane. I jumped at the chance to see my best friend, the one whose cologne-kissed skin can draw me in like a siren. The one who plays with my hair and doesn’t mind my quietness. The one who kisses me like crazy, and I like it. I hope he wants to see me, too.
Haylee grabs her stomach. “Did you hear my stomach growl? I overslept this morning and didn’t eat anything for breakfast. I'm so hungry.”
“Look, there's Lane's dorm.” I point ahead of us at the tall building. “Hey, I think I have a protein bar in my pack.” I stop and rummage through it. “Yep.” I pull it out and hand it to Haylee.
She scrunches her nose up. “What does it taste like?”
“Chocolate and peanuts.” The side of her lip twists, crinkles with her nose. “Fine. You're not too hungry, then.” I start to put it back.