“I messed up! I don’t know if I can even tell you. I really think it’s over. I don’t think she will forgive me this time.”
“Do I even want to know what you did?” Oh lord, what is happening here? I have come so far and yet my heart skips that beat it shouldn’t be skipping. I don’t want his marriage over…no that isn’t what I want. I don’t want his family torn apart. I don’t want to be hurt again. I need to stay focused on the big picture here. I need to!
“There’s a lot that has happened, but I guess the last straw for her was my taking our tax return money and buying drugs.” His head lowers as he says this to me.
Everything begins to just blur. I know he’s talking, he is telling me everything that happened ...but I just don’t hear it. I just continue to stare and pretend to be listening. When all of a sudden….
“I still love you!” Danny blurts out. “I always have. I’ve never stopped. Even after all this time, you do know that right?”
“What?” I ask aloud. How long was I daydreaming? He was just telling me about his breakup and now he is telling me he still loves me? Deep down, I think I knew this day would come, maybe I even hoped for it and prayed for it. Yet…I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. Nothing with us ever is.
I don’t know if I even said it back. We walk back to my house and my head kept spinning. Trying to process all this is just too much. I can’t even tell you if he kissed me goodbye I just know that when I walk through my door… the inquisition will begin.
“Is he just visiting?” my father asks.
“I suppose since he is visiting, he just wanted to say hello, right?” my mom added with hope in her voice.
I didn’t know how to even answer them, I just couldn’t. I told them I was sure everything would be all right. Danny and Wanda had a fight, she left him, and he came home.
The expressions on their faces weren’t good. My father looks enraged. My mother looks frightened.
I know Danny and I have a tumultuous past…yes, he broke my heart over and over. But I need to try to downplay their fears and my dad’s obvious rage. I told them both that probably they would make up and they truly have nothing to worry about. Problem is did I believe what I was saying? Did I want them to get back together? Or did I secretly hope that somehow, someway, this is what was meant to happen. Am I a horrible person for even thinking that?
Chapter Three
I spent the night tossing, turning and thinking of what Danny had told me, well what I’d managed to actually listen to. “My mind feels like scrambled eggs.” Those are the exact words I wrote in my diary.
I feel sorry for him. He truly has gotten himself into a mess. Yet, I’m so afraid, I look at him and I just want to make everything better. I knew I had to try to convince him to go back to her and I did, I truly did. I put everything I felt aside, as I knew in my heart that this is the right thing to do. He keeps saying that she doesn’t want to work things out with him. He says that he has tried and she doesn’t want to be hurt anymore.
I have talks with him on the phone. I tell him they have kids together and they need to be the priority here. He agrees but says their constant fighting isn’t good for the kids. They aren’t happy either.
I think to myself. Happiness? They should have this. I do not want to be in any way responsible for this continued break up. Though Danny says it is them, their issues and trouble between them and I am not the issue.
I pause at this. Then why is he here with me? Talking to me. Trying to see me? He told me that first night that he’s loved me all along. I cannot help but feel that may have been an issue between them, if he kept loving me while with her. I feel so torn. I need to be his friend only and a friend… a true friend would encourage him to save his marriage, right?
As soon as my parents left for work, he shows up at my door.
“Do your parents know that you’re coming here to see me?” I ask.
“No….I’ll tell them after Monday,” he says hesitantly.
“What is Monday?”
“She called before I left the house and said that she wants me to go to a mediator on Monday to talk.”
“A mediator?” I question him. “What does that even mean?” Maybe she is willing to work things out? I am hopeful and fearful….conflicting emotions truly at war inside me.
“I don’t know. I guess I’ll find out on Monday.”
We continue to talk, staying away from topics relating to anything with ‘US’ when out of nowhere, he manages to silence the room once more.
“I can talk to you better than I could ever talk to her…”
How is this happening to me? Why is this happening to me? I’ve tried so very hard to move on and make a life for myself without him. I have cried endless nights praying for the pain in my heart to stop. I am happy, aren’t I? Why do I let myself get right back to where we left off? Oh, God, why do I keep hurting, even after all this time? Why does one look into his warm blue eyes send me back in time to where my heart first skipped a beat that sent me soaring? I can’t think straight. I can’t function. What am I going to do?
I look into his eyes and see so much pain. Whom that pain is for I really don’t know. Is it for the marriage he now feels is over? Is it for me, maybe because as he’d said, he finally realizes he loved me all along? Is it for him and the mess he’s made that involves so many people now? Does it even matter anymore? He’s in pain right now, and for most of my life, I’ve been the one to stand beside him and fix it.
I work as a nanny taking care of two young girls. Their mom Debbie who is close to my age has become a friend. She has had some issues of her own. Though she has confided in me, she still plays her problems off as not really huge. My days and hours are different depending on when she needs me, so I’m thankful today is a day that I didn’t have to work. I have told her about Danny. We talk about everything as I’ve been with her for a couple of years now. She is not going to believe it when I tell her about this.
Danny and I sit and talk about old friends we both knew. We stroll down our childhood memories.
I briefly remember again, the very first day my eyes landed on this unforgettable boy, who threw my mind into the wind just with his smile. Made my heart pound so loud in my ears that I couldn’t hear anything going on around me.
Yes, it’d been a long time ago, and I’m not that child anymore. But she is still there inside me, so is the teen that received my first kiss from this man that sealed my fate….
One night, while hanging out with the neighborhood kids, we were dared during truth or dare. We were told to go behind the wall at the end of my street and kiss. I think my heart nearly stopped right there.
“Don’t worry,” Danny said. “It will be really fast.” He probably knew I was upset about kissing for the first time.
If I didn’t let him kiss me, everyone would laugh at me and I would be back in middle school once again. I was so sick of being tormented by the other kids. You are going into high school in September. You can’t do something that will give anyone a reason to make fun of you. This was my chance to start anew. I wish I would’ve told him about my fears of being the object of more ridicule. “Okay,” I replied. “As long as it’s really fast.”
We went behind the wall, so no one could see us. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I thought that I’d finally convinced myself that I could actually do this as I leaned on the wall. I knew it was coming and seconds seemed like minutes. Did I really want this to happen? What am I supposed to do? As he leaned into kiss me, panic set in and I quickly moved away. Luckily, he didn’t bang his face on the wall, but it was close. All I could think of was that I would be laughed at for sure over this.
“Don’t worry. I’ll tell them we did,” Danny said, his words sounding magical to me. He took my hand as we made our way out from behind the wall.
We were holding hands! I was up in the clouds, I was flying, I felt so happy. I trusted that he wouldn’t tell anyone that I chickened out
.
So really, it was an almost first kiss, but he would make it up to me later, this I’d learned…. The day we had our actual first kiss, I wrote it in my diary.
August 16, 1977
Dear Diary:
Tonight we kissed for the first time. We were playing truth or dare again and his sister dared us. I couldn’t chicken out on him again, after last night. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, it was fun! Write again tomorrow!
Danny and I went to town to walk around. While strolling, he extended out his hand to me.
He wants to hold my hand?
He then proceeded to ask me for a piece of gum.
I couldn’t say anything to him about it at the time, but I was devastated. I couldn’t believe I actually wanted him to hold my hand. I promised myself that night, I would talk to him about it. I wrote in my mailbox note:
Question – Did you know that I thought that you wanted to hold my hand today?
His response to me was, “No.”
Just a simple no was his only response. He didn’t even think about holding my hand.
Then I became preoccupied with the fact that I had never kissed a boy before, so I hoped maybe this was truly becoming a summer of firsts. I had my first date, then a first boyfriend. I was so scared of my first kiss, yet I was constantly wondering when he was going to try to kiss me… then he finally did! It was the most beautiful moment. I never felt someone’s lips on mine. I know right now that I only want his lips on mine, no one else.
At the time when I wrote this as a young girl, I had no idea that he would get into my heart and soul so deep that I would need total amnesia to get rid of him.
What happens inside a person when someone gets into their heart and nothing they do, ever makes them leave their soul?
He was first, my friend, then my boyfriend and finally, my lover. No guy has ever affected me like he has. Still does, but I shove this emotion down, like a full blown tornado of feeling that tries to storm me. I need to stay focused on helping him and not falling into this again. Danny’s life is in trouble, his marriage crashing.
Danny didn’t touch me the whole time we talk. He would go from looking briefly happy while speaking of the past, then his gaze would sadden whenever we would get to the part where he left for good.
I always knew he cared for me, and maybe even loved me. Though being so young, I didn’t know what the world would bring, nor what his young mistakes would do to him and me. Thing is, he didn’t either.
But my common sense keeps trying to kick in, saying he still didn’t know what he’s doing in life. He went into marriage due to a baby. He did the right thing by marrying Wanda and trying to make things right. I was hurt so badly at the time, that it took me a while to see this.
How much has happened while he’d been with her?
Still, while I’m having all these thoughts… it troubles me to no end that all the hurt, all the pain he gave to me…somehow fades away when my eyes meet his.
How can I fight this? Especially, when deep inside—I don’t really want to.
Danny finally leaves. First though, he took my hands into his holding them tightly and simply gazes into my eyes. He says not a word. He didn’t have to. I saw what he feels right there in his gaze.
I am in such trouble…
Chapter Four
“Hey, I am going out on a date tonight and he’s bringing a friend, please come?” Liz’s words beg me to save her. “Come on, how many times have I done this for you? You know you need to go out!”
I haven’t told anyone yet what is going on with Danny. I know the lectures I will hear and I’m just not ready to hear them. I know they all have my best interests at heart, but I just need to keep this to myself for now.
Liz has been going with Stuart for a long time and is engaged now. Their wedding is in a couple weeks and I’m her maid of honor! Every so often, they would try to fix me up, but none of them ever worked out. After the wedding, they are moving to North Carolina, which upsets me a lot. I am going to miss her terribly! No more running with tissues anymore when my life falls apart.
“How horrible is he?” I jokingly ask her.
“He isn’t I promise! I met him the other night when you wouldn’t come out and trust me, he is really nice.”
“Nice?”
“Yes! Nice and really good looking! You’re going to love him I know you will.”
I struggle to commit but I know I need to go with her. She’s my best friend, always there to help me, so doing this for her is the right thing to do, even though going on a date isn’t really what I want to do, especially right now. “Okay! You talked me into it, I’ll go! But you’ll be sorry if this guy is a total loser like the other one you fixed me up with that time,” I say to her laughing. “Oh, what is his name?”
“His name is Danny. There are lots of them in the world you know.” She laughs.
“Oh boy, another Danny? Are you serious? He couldn’t have a name like Chip?”
“Nope, sorry it’s Danny, maybe you can call him Dan?”
“Whatever… it’s just a date for one night, what difference does a name make right?” Even though my stomach just flipped thinking of going out with another boy named Danny and having to tell my Danny that I’m going out and not seeing him tonight. I pause. My Danny? Darn. That isn’t true, why do I do that?
“What do you mean you are going out on a date tonight?” Danny asks later sounding very sad.
“I have to, Liz really wants me to go, and she is my best friend. I have to do this for her. It’s one night and trust me I am sure the guy isn’t all that she is making him out to be.” I laughed. “They never are.”
“I have no right to be mad I know that, but…I just like…you know hanging out with you.”
“I know.” How I hate disappointing him and how I wish I could be with him tonight. “There’s always tomorrow, right?”
“Promise to not have too good a time?” He laughed.
“I will do my best to have a horrible evening okay? Will that make it all better?” I truly had no idea what to expect tonight. All I know is his name and that Liz thinks he’s great. I know I’m in no position to get involved.
Danny tried to smile. He even teased me about the guy maybe having buck teeth and a lisp. He even did a parody of a stumbling dweeb.
I kept laughing at his antics.
Then suddenly, he got serious and says, “Or what if he is the perfect guy? One who would treat you right…make you happy? Do right by you.” He lowers his head. “You deserve that and more. You deserve happiness.”
My insides tremble. What can I say to this? It’s a sweet thought for Danny to have. Then his sadness. It makes my chest hurt. “Come on! Perfect guy?” I laugh. My laughter gets carried away as he stares at me. I mean I really feel like there is no such thing in the universe, let alone my hometown. “No such thing. Most are…” My voice fades away.
“Two timers?” he asks with pain in those beautiful eyes of his. …Cheaters. Lars.” He lets out a breath and squares his shoulders. “So, again, I hope he is a good person and good to you.”
I roll my eyes. It’s a first time blind date! Geez, this isn’t like a fairytale. Life isn’t that. I thought his statement sounded ridiculous, but I have no more to say on this subject. It isn’t that important really. I’ve been on too many of these kinds of set ups to even believe that the guy will be some Prince Charming…Mr. Perfect Guy.
He left quietly, though he gave me his best smile, attempting to be upbeat.
Those eyes though, they always gave his true feelings away.
Chapter Five
I stand beside Liz outside the restaurant. I convinced her that we would meet them here. I drove too, this way if it’s horrible, I can find a way to leave. Even though she would have much rather been in the same car as Stuart, she did it for me.
“Here they come! Liz says eagerly.
I look for the two guys and finally see them, and there he w
as! Holy crap! She wasn’t kidding he is to die for!
“The one on the left is Danny?” Which I knew already since I already knew what Stuart looked like. I thought I must dreaming or something. This couldn’t be who she’s setting me up with, could it?
“Yuppers!” Told you he was hot!
“Wow!” I am speechless never in my wildest dreams did I think tonight I would be on a date with someone like this.
“Over here,” Liz calls to them.
Stuart walks up and gives her a kiss then hands her a rose he had hidden behind his back.
Danny walks toward me. “You must be Cassidy? Since I already know Liz, we met the other night.” He winks to her. “It’s nice to finally meet you. Liz couldn’t stop talking about you.”
OH MY GOD! His voice, his eyes.
I answer as calmly as I can, “Yes, I’m Cassidy, so she wouldn’t stop talking about me you say?” I smile. I’m beyond speechless here and looking at Danny or I will mentally call him Dan, standing in front of me. Can a girl call a guy stunning?
He smiles back at me and says, “I can’t wait to get to know more. I’m sure there are lots Liz didn’t tell me.”
I’m hoping and praying that Liz kept a lot of past history silent, but deep down, I know she wouldn’t tell him anything bad. Not that I’ve been bad, but my history isn’t so good. Heart broken and I also broke someone’s heart to be with my Danny. A good guy too. I shrug away the thoughts. I already faced that I’ve made mistakes too.
The rest of the night went amazingly awesome! The conversations and laughter went on endlessly. After dinner, we decide to take a walk on the boardwalk to grab an ice cream. Not that I think could eat another bite. I realize suddenly, with a pause— I hadn’t thought of Danny once tonight.
“You are deep in thought,” Dan says to me with a huge smile.
“Just thinking about tonight, it has been a really nice night. I’m still surprised, now please don’t take this the wrong way, but blind dates don’t usually go like this, you know?” Hoping that he likes me, the same way I like him.
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