by A. M. Myers
Wicked Games
Bayou Devils MC
Book Eight
A.M. Myers
Chapter One
Rowan
“Are you guys ready for our little dark-haired beauty?” Max, Skin’s resident DJ asks, his booming voice full of energy as it echoes off the walls of the club. The men scattered around the room barely look up from their drinks to give him a few seconds of unenthusiastic applause and I grit my teeth as I shake my hands out and stretch for my dance. Just like them, I wish I was anywhere else but here tonight. Max glances over at me and offers me an apologetic look but I shake my head. I don’t blame him for the poor attitude in this place right now. He’s a damn good DJ but I think it would take an act of God to rouse the spirits of the people in this club. Sighing, he raises the microphone to his lips again and winks in my direction. I straighten my body and suck in a breath.
Showtime.
“Welcome to the stage… Raven!” He drags my stage name out for emphasis and I roll my eyes. Mr. Alexander, my boss, thought he was so clever when he assigned that nickname to me since I’m the only girl at this club with dark hair. At first, I embraced it - making myself seem more mysterious than I really am but the more I hear it shouted through the speakers, the more it grates on my nerves. My song begins to play - “Sweet Dreams” by Marilyn Manson - and like an elastic band snapping into place, I feel myself becoming Raven as I step out onto the stage and strut toward the center in my six-inch platform heels. As I wrap my fingers around the cool metal of the pole, I look around the room and try to fight back my disgust at the disinterested expressions staring back at me. Some of them are leaning back in their chairs and sipping their drinks while others are obviously drowning their pain in booze and faceless women. In the end, though, it all boils down to the same thing. There isn’t a single person that wants to spend their Thanksgiving in a seedy strip club instead of with family but some of us don’t have any other option.
As much as I would love to run out of here and never look back, it’s almost as if Raven has taken over my body and I find myself hooking my leg around the pole and slowly spinning as my mind drifts to the last Thanksgiving we all had as a real family… before everything fell apart. It was years ago - before Dad died, before Nora was killed, and before Lincoln ran away to escape the pain that seems to haunt us in this town, leaving Mom and me all alone. Pain swarms my chest and tears sting my eyes as I squeeze them shut, trying to fight back the memories and focus on the swing of my hips and the beat of the song but it’s too late. The dam has been opened and I’m not strong enough to hold it all back tonight. Sucking in a ragged breath, I open my eyes, grab the pole again, and jump up before flipping upside down and opening my legs into a “V”. On any other day, there would be cheering and men throwing money onto the stage as they looked up at me like I was some kind of goddess but as I look out at the crowd, all I can see is my own sorrow reflected back at me.
The song stretches on as I right myself and slide back down the pole, trying my damnedest not to break down in front of all these people as more memories flood my mind. I was so young when Dad’s plane went down during a typical supply run but the memory is still so damn clear - the look on Lincoln’s face when he came home with the police officers, Mom collapsing to her knees as she wailed and Nora and I staring at each other with wide eyes because we couldn’t understand what was going on. It was like all the grownups were talking in code and no one would just come right out and say that he was gone. At least, I don’t think they did but maybe I blocked it out in an act of self-preservation. Leaning back against the pole, I close my eyes again as my lip wobbles and my heart hammers in my chest.
Goddamn it.
I cannot lose it up here.
Gritting my teeth, I open my eyes, reach over my head, and grab the pole before sinking down into a crouch and arching my back so my hips lift forward. Reaching behind my back, I pull on one of the strings of my top, allowing it to come undone so I can toss it across the stage. One of the men in front of me glances up, his eyes locked onto my tits as he tosses some money on the stage before going back to his drink - whiskey, if I had to guess - and, despite the awful feeling building in my stomach, I force myself to keep going. Most nights, I can rake in a couple hundred bucks but in the four hours I’ve been here tonight, I’ve only managed to make somewhere around fifty dollars and honestly, it’s not even worth the trouble. I probably wouldn’t have even come in if I had any other option than sitting in my apartment alone with Ramen noodles and my overwhelming grief.
Sliding onto my belly along the stage, I pull my knees to my stomach, shoving my ass into the air as the final notes of the song ring out through the club and another man tosses a few dollar bills onto the stage as I grab the pole and stand up. Raven, the consummate professional, can’t stop herself from bowing despite the lack of applause and my stomach flips as I grab the money littering the floor and my top before disappearing behind the curtain. As I descend the stairs from the stage, I glance down at the money in my hand and scoff. Fifty dollars. That brings my total to maybe a hundred for the evening, if I’m lucky. If nothing else, I guess it will pay for my groceries for the next week. With a sigh, I grab my silk robe off of the hook and slip it on, tying the belt around my waist.
“Rowan,” Mr. Alexander calls from his office door just before I duck into the dressing room and I glance up, arching a brow. “How did you do tonight?”
I make a face and hold up the fifty dollars I made on my last dance and he nods.
“Why don’t you head home, then? We’re not even breaking even at this point and I’m just going to shut ‘er down early.”
Nodding, I force a smile to my face. “Sounds good, Mr. Alexander. Thanks.”
“Tell the other girls to pack up as well, will you?” he asks and I nod again.
“Sure thing.”
He flashes me a thankful smile before ducking back into his office and I step into the dressing room and sit down at my vanity by the door before turning to the three other girls working tonight.
“Mr. Alexander is shutting down early tonight. We can all head home.”
“Thank God,” Hannah sighs, shoving her heels off and they hit the floor with a clunk. “My feet are fucking killing me.”
Michelle tosses her eyeliner down on the vanity in front of her and grabs a makeup wipe. “Maybe I can get home in time to tuck my kids in for bed. They were so mad when I had to leave for work earlier.”
“What about you, Row?” Jen asks. “Any big plans for your suddenly free evening?”
I shake my head, trying to ignore the burning in my chest as I think about the empty apartment I’ll be going home to. “Nope. Ash flew up to Juneau to see his parents for the holiday and won’t be back until tomorrow so it’s just me and my Netflix account tonight.”
“Girl,” Hannah says, shaking her head. “That’s even better. Stop and grab yourself a bottle of wine and get a little “you” time.”
Nodding, I turn back to my mirror and pull off my fake eyelashes with a sigh. “I might just have to do that.”
It really doesn’t sound all that appealing but then again, nothing does. There is nowhere in this town I want to be and very few places that I feel comfortable anymore. I guess it sounds better than sitting at home and thinking about all of the shit I’ve been trying to avoid all night long. And it sure as hell sounds better than being here.
As the girls start getting ready to go home, moving in a flurry of activity around me, I stare at myself in the mirror. I don’t recognize the girl staring back at me or the growing darkness creeping into my eyes more and more everyday and I sig
h, dropping my head as I fight back tears again.
“Ten minutes, girls!” Mr. Alexander calls and I suck in a breath, wiping away a stray tear as I stand up and walk back to my locker, grabbing my bag out of the bottom. I change clothes as quickly as possible before pulling my boots on and shoving all of my things back into my bag.
“How did you do tonight?” Jen asks with disgust in her voice and I pull the bills out of my bag before quickly counting it and sighing.
“Ninety bucks.”
She sighs. “Well, you did better than me. I’m going to have to pull an extra shift this week just to make up for this shit show of a night.”
“Yeah,” I answer, already exhausted as I think about spending an extra night here to make up for the money I didn’t make today. As it is, I already work five nights a week and I desperately need the other two away from this place to keep me sane.
“I think the girls in the bar did better than we did tonight.”
I scoff. “I’m not surprised. Everyone was more interested in drowning their sorrows than watching us dance.”
“Tomorrow will be better,” she mutters to herself and I can’t help but smile. I’ve known Jen for a few years now and that is always something she says whenever she has a bad night, her way of letting it all go so she doesn’t take the stress of the day home with her. At first, I thought it was silly but over time, I found myself doing the same and it usually works pretty well.
“All right,” I sigh, standing up and grabbing my bag off of the bench. “I’m going to head home. See you tomorrow.”
She nods with a smile. “Have a good night, Rowan.”
“Two minutes, girls,” Mr. Alexander calls as the rest of the girls pack up and I weave my way through the dressing room toward the back door before stepping outside. Cold air smacks me in the face and I shiver, pulling my coat tighter around my body as I walk across the snow-covered lot to my car. Snowflakes whirl around me and I can’t help but smile. I’ve always loved the snow and when I was little, I would wait all year for the first big storm so my dad and I could build a snowman or have a snowball fight. Now, every time it snows, I get this bittersweet feeling in my chest because as much as I love all of the memories I have with my dad, it still hurts like hell. My mind drifts to my most recent loss and tears sting my eyes as I try to breathe through the pain.
Glancing up, I spot my car in the back of the lot and hit the button on my key fob to unlock the car as I quicken my pace, fighting back more memories. Fuck. This past month has been absolute hell and I really don’t know how much more I can take. When I reach the car, I open the door and slip behind the wheel before starting it and crossing my arms over my chest to ward off the cold. Another wave of pain washes through me as I glance over at the passenger seat and a few tears slip down my cheeks. Wiping them away, I grit my teeth and turn away as I tell myself to buck up but it’s too damn late. More memories rush through my mind, reminding me of everything I’ve lost and I turn to the passenger seat again, my gaze falling on the urn with my mother’s ashes and the envelope of death certificates I picked up two days ago as a sob rips through me.
I’ve lost everything.
The pain only intensifies as I remember the day I got the call. It all started off so normal that it’s still hard to believe that it’s real three weeks later but the ashes next to me are proof that this hell is my new reality. Shaking my head, I remember waking up that morning around eleven after working late the night before and walking into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. My boyfriend, Ash, was already gone for work and as soon as I crawled back into bed with my steaming mug of caffeine, the phone rang. My mom’s picture popped up on the screen but when I answered it, I didn’t recognize the voice on the other end of the line. He told me my mother was in the hospital and I needed to get there as soon as possible but he wouldn’t say anything else. The entire time I was getting ready and racing across town, I just kept telling myself that she was okay but as soon as I walked through the ER doors and saw the look on everyone’s face, I knew the truth.
I struggle to take a breath as the tears overwhelm me and I press a hand to my chest like I can somehow stop the onslaught of pain but it’s useless. My mind flicks back to the moment I walked into the room and saw my mom lying on the table with a sheet pulled up to her chest. There was a tube in her mouth that wasn’t connected to anything and her eyes were closed. She looked so peaceful, like she was sleeping, and my mind struggled to connect the dots until the doctor came in and told me he was sorry for my loss. Everything else happened in a blur. I remember hitting my knees and the loud, aching sob that ripped through me as nurses surrounded me to try and bring me some comfort. Somehow, I got back home and I remember calling my brother to tell him but the words got stuck in my throat and I didn’t know how to say that our mom was dead and we were all alone.
My gaze flicks to the mountain range where my dad’s plane went down when I was a kid and I shake my head, another desperate sob swamping me. I’m an orphan and if it wasn’t for my brother, Lincoln, I would have absolutely no one. Despite living in Ketchikan my entire life, I don’t really have any friends here because they all either moved away or proved to not be good for me and if it wasn’t for Ash holding me together these last few weeks, I don’t know what I would have done. I met Ash three years ago and in a way, I think he saved me. At that point, I had been stripping for a year and I didn’t recognize the girl in the mirror anymore. There was something about him that reminded me of who I truly was and grounded me again but he also never tried to force or manipulate me to quit dancing. He was everything I needed and it was so damn easy to fall in love with him. When we moved in together last year, I was certain that he was my forever but things have been off between us lately and I know that’s my fault. With everything I’ve been going through, I haven’t exactly been myself and I’ve leaned on him more than ever before but it seems like the more I lean, the more he pulls away. I just hope it’s not too late to fix things.
Shaking my head, I suck in a breath and wipe more tears from my face as I watch the snow fall onto the windshield, each one a little different than the one before. I need to make a change, pull myself out of this funk, but I just don’t know how. More than anything, I wish Lincoln was here but he lives over thirty-five hundred miles away with his wife in Louisiana and it’s been almost a year since the last time I saw him. Leaning my head back against the seat, I remember the phone call from him a few days ago, urging me again to move down to Baton Rouge. It’s the same thing he’s been saying since Mom died three weeks ago but I’ve been putting him off. I have to wonder, though… what the hell is even keeping me here in Alaska anymore?
Obviously, I have Ash but I can’t see anything keeping him here either. Maybe we could make the move together… Ketchikan is my home, though. I’ve never been anywhere else and the thought of moving across the country scares the hell out of me. Shaking my head, I push the thoughts from my mind and wipe the tears from my face before clearing the snow from my windshield and pulling out of my parking space. As I pull out of the lot, I turn toward home and sigh. More than anything, what I need right now is to get to my apartment, crawl into my big comfy bed, and forget about this awful fucking day.
“Tomorrow will be better,” I whisper, nodding to myself as my lip wobbles but I manage to get control of it before it dissolves into full blown tears again. Ash and I don’t live too far from the club and I’m almost to my apartment when I see a gas station that’s still open. Hannah’s advice from earlier pops into my mind and I smile before pulling into the lot. Jumping out of my car, I run into the store, grab a bottle of wine, and pay the clerk before walking back out. As I set the bottle in the passenger seat, I glance over at the urn again and suck in a breath as I back out of my parking spot and turn out onto the road. This and the stash of chocolate I have hidden in the kitchen is exactly what I need to unwind and after the fog I’ve been walking around in for the last few weeks, it feels good to just do something
for myself. As I pull into my usual parking spot outside of the general store, I glance up at my studio apartment on the second floor and frown.
Did I leave that light on?
God, I have been so scatter-brained lately that I probably did. Shaking my head, I grab my bottle of wine and eye the urn, contemplating grabbing it, too, before I change my mind. I know it’s stupid but a part of me feels like as soon as I take my mother’s ashes into my home, it all becomes real and I am not ready for that yet. At least, while she stays in the front seat of my car, there are moments when I can avoid thinking about the fact that she is gone. Sighing, I turn off the car and jump out. The sound of waves crashing against the shore greets me and I close my eyes as a feeling of calm washes through me.
When Ash and I were apartment hunting a little over a year ago, one of my favorite things about this place, besides the fact that we didn’t really have any neighbors was that it is right on the water. From anywhere in the apartment, I can hear the ocean and if I want to look out across the water, all I have to do is walk into my kitchen and stand in front of the window. Even in the chaos of the past three weeks, being able to hear the waves crash against the rocks and see the water has calmed me and made me feel like maybe I’m not drowning in my pain. Opening my eyes, I glance up at the window as I turn for the stairs but stop short. Two shadows dance across the glass, coming together and wrapping their arms around each other as my heart starts to thunder in my chest.
What the fuck?
Ash is supposed to be in Juneau until tomorrow afternoon but no one else has access to our apartment. God, he wouldn’t do this to me, would he? With each breath ringing in my ears, I run up the stairs and unlock the door as quietly as possible before stepping inside and setting the bottle of wine down on the counter. A moan fills the room, echoing from behind the partition that separates our bedroom from the rest of the room and my hands start to shake as my gaze falls to the various articles of clothing littered across the floor - Ash’s shirt, his sneakers, and jeans, a pair of pink lace panties, skinny jeans, and heels. My stomach rolls as the reality crashes down on me and another moan fills the room, this one deeper than before. I creep forward, careful not to make any noise but I swear my heartbeat is echoing through the room and there is no way in hell they don’t hear it. Low grunts and soft gasps reach my ears as I walk toward the noise and my hands start to shake. I already know, deep down in my gut, what I’m going to find on the other side of that partition but I need to see it before it will become real. I can’t have any doubt in my mind as to what is happening on the other side.