by Cassie Rocca
“Sure, why?”
“You look like you’re miles away. Actually now I come to think of it, you’ve been acting pretty weird for a while now.”
“In what way weird?”
“You’re distracted, sometimes grumpy. There are times when I hardly recognize you anymore.”
How could she blame him? Since Zack had come back into her life, she hardly recognized herself anymore either. “I think I might be suffering from hysterical bride syndrome,” she joked.
“You do still want to marry me, don’t you?”
That sudden, direct question made her stop in her tracks. She tried not to look into his eyes, convinced that the answer must be visible in her own, but Justin stared straight ahead, his hands in his pockets.
“Why are you asking me that?” she asked, her heart in her mouth.
“I don’t know. For a moment, it seemed to me that you weren’t particularly happy to come away from there with me. You said you weren’t keen on Zack, so maybe it was because of the little girl…? She seems very fond of you.”
“She reminds me a little of myself. Her mother didn’t want anything to do with her so she only has her father to love her,” she murmured. “I know I should stay away from her to keep her from becoming too fond of me, but I also know how sad it is to feel rejected by someone you care about. She’s so small…”
“I see.”
“Did it bother you, finding me there with them?” she asked, casting a stealthy look at him.
Smiling, Justin put his arm around her waist. “Seeing you with that little girl made me realize what a good mother you will be… I’d always thought it would be difficult to convince you to have a baby within a year of us getting married, but I think you’re ready.”
Liberty felt her stomach churn. She had thought the same thing herself, but hearing it from Justin’s lips was another thing altogether. And now that he had sensed her desire for motherhood, she no longer had any excuse for refusing to go along with him.
And why should you, then?
Certainly not by running after an adolescent dream that could have no future. She couldn’t throw her life away over a mirage. Zack Sullivan might be attracted to her but he certainly wasn’t in love with her. And anyway, he didn’t want a passing fling, he wanted to have a woman standing by him who would be a loving mother. And she had stopped being loving a long time ago.
Perhaps she would be able to learn again with her own child, step by step. And Justin was offering her that chance on a silver platter.
So why did the thought of it make her feel so awful?
The memory of Zack’s lips on hers returned to haunt her, tugging at her heart.
You have to get that idea out of your head, she told herself, it’s too late. But fate was evidently not in line with her wishes.
10
“Hey, boss – something’s burning.”
Zack raised his head from the colorful candy he was hunched over, cursed and jumped to his feet. The pastry shop had been in turmoil since the first light of dawn – even more so than on any ordinary day. It was Easter Sunday and the streets were crowded because there was yet another parade with all the attractions that a public holiday in New York could offer, and dozens of people were streaming into the shop in search of special things to eat for the occasion. He hadn’t stopped for a moment. He even had chocolate in his hair, which now gave off a sweetish smell, and his feet were aching. In addition to the usual commitments in the kitchen, he had to ensure his customers had all the seasonal delicacies that they needed for their celebrations, like chocolate bunnies and decorated eggs with gifts inside for children. And on top of that, he also had to meet the demands of his daughter, which had meant he’d found himself accompanying her on the popular Easter egg hunt, as well as all the other fun activities that he’d managed to find around the city. But little Candice still wasn’t satisfied. It seemed that whatever they did together, something was missing, and the sensation had been dogging him for at least a week now.
He refused to dwell on why they no longer seemed able to enjoy themselves since the skating competition at Wollmann Rink, and he grabbed an oven glove and removed a baking tray from the oven. He placed it on the large worktop and stared grimly at the dozen, now inedible, muffins, tempted to let his annoyance at his own stupidity have its way and throw the whole lot up in the air: the cakes, the chocolates, the eggs and even that stupid damn hat that Jessie was supposed to wear for the parade on Fifth Avenue, as per the tradition, and which he had been trying to make for at least two days now.
“Shit!” he snapped, running a hand through his hair.
“Maybe you should take a break, boss,” suggested Liam, his assistant cook.
“I would, if I were sure this place could manage without me, but that clearly isn’t the case or I wouldn’t have just burnt an hour’s work!” snapped Zack. With a sudden gesture, he tipped the whole tray upside down into the large garbage can at the side of the counter, and threw the mixture for another two batches in with it. “To hell with all this, there’s already enough to feed an army. If we run out of stuff to sell them, just send them over to stress the staff at the Magnolia Bakery!”
Candice raced into the kitchen like a tornado, staring at him with a worried look on her face. “Jessie hasn’t come, Daddy – she lied to me, she’s not coming to the parade with me!”
Zack sighed loudly as he listened to his daughter’s tearful words. “She must have got held up somewhere, Candy.”
“I won’t be able to go to the parade! But I wanted to so much!” whimpered Candice. Lately she had been irritable and sensitive… maybe because he was too. He had passed the strange tension that had seized him over the last week on to his daughter, and for that reason he had been doing everything possible to satisfy her every whim. But it hadn’t managed to improve his mood, or Candice’s.
Sitting down next to the candy covered hat he was finishing, he pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Let’s try and call her again, okay?” he said, giving his daughter a forced smile.
He swiftly went through the incoming calls and emails, just to be sure, even though he knew perfectly well that there were no new ones… and that it was not Jessie’s name that he was hoping to see on the display. But he didn’t have time to think about the umpteenth disappearance of Liberty Allen right now. She was a problem he would face as soon as that hellish day had come to an end.
He tried calling the baby-sitter again, but still got no answer: it just went straight to voice mail, and there was absolutely no point leaving yet another message. Zack had phoned Jessie two days ago to ask if she would to accompany his daughter to the Easter parade and the birthday party of a couple of Candice’s friends, and she had said she would. But she still hadn’t turned up, and every missed engagement was a like a stab in the heart for his little girl.
“She’s not answering. Maybe she’s had a problem with the phone and didn’t get our messages,” he said, feeling helpless in front of Candice’s distraught face.
She nodded, looking sadder than ever. “Then I won’t be going?”
“The parents of the Donovan twins are still going to be waiting for you at the parade – you can walk with them before you go to the party… Or I can come with you, but without a hat… the one I made for Jessie is too small for me.”
Candice nodded, but Zack knew that she was upset. She had been fantasizing for days about that parade and about the hats she had designed with his help. What else could he do? “All right, Daddy,” she replied with her head lowered as she turned around and left the kitchen.
With a sigh of frustration, Zack went back to sticking sweets, candies and chocolates on the cloth headgear. He wasn’t really concentrating and for this reason he was forced to do some of them over, but he was determined to do a decent job anyway.
When the door opened for the thousandth time that day, he raised his head with obvious irritation in his eyes. “What’s the problem now?”
“T
here’s a woman looking for you,” said one of his staff.
“It’ll be the baby-sitter – send her in here, I’ll give them the hats and send them to that damn parade. And then I’ll go to bed for a couple of hours.” Zack went back to work with more alacrity. Now that he knew Jessie had arrived, he couldn’t wait to finish the job and send them the hell out of there as soon as possible.
“Daddy, look who’s here!” exclaimed Candice, entering the kitchen.
Zack raised his head, ready to smile at Jessie, but he found himself staring into Liberty’s slightly anxious looking face.
“Lib.” He jumped up and approached the woman who had been tormenting his thoughts for several days. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to talk to you for a moment, but I can see you’re incredibly busy,” she said, looking around at the messy piles of sweets and crockery. “I should have realized, but I was just passing by and…”
“You took your time,” sighed Zack. He felt absurdly happy to have her in front of him but was reluctant to let her see it. “I was starting to despair.”
“I’ve had a lot to do,” she said, avoiding his gaze. Wearing jeans and a blouse she looked young and approachable, but she also looked tired and more cautious than usual.
She could not have looked more beautiful, though.
Not hearing anything from her that past week had been unnerving, and certainly not because it made him anxious not to receive instructions about the buffet and the cakes to prepare for the wedding, which would be taking place in ten days. On the contrary – he had been hoping that at any moment he would learn there was no longer going to be any wedding.
He had missed her. Her scent, her voice, that adorable sullen face that he wanted so much to see smile again, like when they had been in Central Park that time…
Jessie burst in through the door, out of breath. “Sorry I’m late, but today’s been a nightmare, and I left my phone at home!” she gasped, putting a hand on her chest. “I’m still in time, right?”
“Naturally.” Zack grabbed one of the two colored hats and busied himself fixing it tightly onto Candice’s head with a large number of hairpins.
“Maybe it would be better if I came back at another time,” said Liberty, moving aside to let the baby-sitter pass.
“No, wait, just give me a minute,” said Zack as he gave the last instructions to Jessie and Candice, agreeing that she would bring his daughter back home before dinner time. As soon as the two of them had left, he turned his full attention to Liberty.
“Let’s go upstairs,” he said, pointing to a door at the back of the room.
“What’s upstairs?”
“My apartment. We won’t be disturbed up there.”
Liberty hesitated. “There’s no need for that, I can talk to you here. It won’t take long.”
“Whether you take long or not, I can’t stand any more of this chaos and I don’t want to talk to you in the middle of the comings and goings of my staff. Come on.”
Zack took her hand and dragged her through the door and up the stairs, sighing with relief as the chaos and heat of the kitchen disappeared.
“God, I’m tired,” he murmured, closing the door. “I couldn’t wait to get out of the bakery.”
“I can come back another time, really… or maybe I’ll call you,” said Liberty, putting her hand on the door handle, but Zack grabbed it, caressing the soft skin on the back with his thumb.
“No. I’m glad to see you, I’ve been expecting you for quite a while, actually, so I’m not going to let you escape.” When she nodded, he relaxed. “I only need five minutes to freshen up – I have chocolate and cream in my ears. Do you mind waiting?”
“Of course not.”
“I’ll be back in a flash.” Zack started for the bathroom, then retraced his steps and pulled the key from the lock. At Liberty’s perplexed look, he answered with a smile. “I wouldn’t want you to change your mind while I’m gone.”
Liberty sighed, moving towards the sitting room behind her and Zack went into his room, determined to take a shower at supersonic speed.
He could not wait to get back to her. He had missed her so much in those last few days, more than he had admitted to himself.
He tried to think about what could have made Liberty come to Chocolate Sins and even though logic warned him to prepare himself for nothing more than a conversation about the buffet for the pre-wedding party, he could not stop his heart from beating madly.
Maybe she isn’t getting married anymore…
“Sure, dream on, Sullivan,” he mumbled, closing his eyes and letting the boiling hot water flow over his face.
Whatever reason had brought Liberty to him, he was happy. If he had to settle for the crumbs, then he would. The important thing was to have her in his life, one way or another.
*
“What the hell am I doing here?”
She should have sent him an e-mail, telephoned him, sent him a carrier pigeon… Anything, just so as not to have to see him!
She had got up that morning with the firm intention of making a clean break from whatever had started between them since they had seen each other again and the kiss they had exchanged on the skating rink. She had left the house without thinking of anything else, only what she should say to put an end to that agony. It was absolutely essential that she put plenty of distance between herself and Zack before everything went horribly wrong.
Instead, now she found herself in his house, trying not to think about the hot water running over his naked body in the shower…
“You’re absolutely pathetic,” she muttered under her breath, getting up and looking around her with an almost morbid interest, eager to step into that man’s life for a little longer.
The apartment was tidy and strangely quiet compared to the festive mood that reigned in the street and the chaotic atmosphere of the bakery. The entrance was a small anteroom that opened onto a small living room, from which there was a long corridor. All she could see without going into the rooms was that it was furnished with rather eccentric taste, as if every piece of furniture, plant or color of the walls were the result of a momentary impulse.
At the far right hand side of the corridor there was an immense, bright kitchen equipped with every possible gadget where it wasn’t difficult to imagine Zack intent on creating one of his magnificent dishes. On the left hand side, there were the bedrooms.
She stopped herself from taking a look in the master bedroom, which she could just see through the half open door, and went into Candice’s room. A room full of toys, teddy bears and playful photos, all in shades of yellow and pink. Liberty found herself imagining Zack decorating the place and personally arranging everything, and felt a throb of tenderness.
Thanks to what he had told her, she knew the sacrifices that Zack had had to face with a small child and a new business, so she was sure that no one had helped him make the place liveable but that he had done everything by himself in his rare moments of spare time. And some slight mistakes seemed to confirm this. A shelf had been mounted slightly crooked, a wall had been painted with a different color to the other three and there was even a hole in the wall, next to the wardrobe which had later been transformed into a “fairy cave”, as Candice had told her during their walk along the beach at Cape May. Liberty felt her heart beating fast – suspiciously fast. Everything in that place was intimate and impregnated with love, a love so pure that it made her feel emotionally satisfied and desperately alone at the same time. All because of a young single dad, who did everything to give his daughter a happy, cheerful life.
And he had managed it to perfection. In Candice’s eyes you could read the immense love she felt for her father, a total adoration that only an innocent soul could have towards another person.
She’d once had that same look in her eyes too, many years ago…
It seemed like a century ago. For too long she had forgotten what it felt like to have a heart full of love, but now that
old feeling was back and making itself felt. Only now, it didn’t make her eyes shine with happiness.
Her legs trembled with fear.
She wondered for a moment whether severing any relationship with Zack and Candice was the right choice. She was ready to hide her feelings behind a friendly mask, just to get some satisfaction, to see them and enjoy some of their affection. But when Zack joined her, a few minutes later, wearing a dark t-shirt and a pair of pants, barefoot and his hair still wet, she understood once more why it was not possible to settle for crumbs.
It was like having a gigantic cake in her hands and being content to just look at it without savouring it. For a sugar addict like her, it was worse than any torture.
No, she would suffer too much by playing the spectator standing at the edge of the stage. If she could not have those people in her life completely, then she had to remove them from her life once and for all.
She had already imposed a strict diet upon herself once in the past. She could do it again.
“Sorry you had to wait – come on, I’ll make you a coffee,” said Zack, brushing against her shoulder as he passed her. Liberty’s mouth felt dry and the discomfort that had prevented her from sleeping in that long week that she had spent far away from him suddenly became more acute.
You have to stay away from him, remember? You came here to tell him that – not to sigh like a fool every time he touches you! she reminded herself.
It was the right choice, even if it was painful. It was no longer just about her, it was about little Candice too. The girl already had a dangerous attraction towards her and it wouldn’t be right to let her get too attached. And the same was true for her.
And then there was Justin. Since he had seen her, Zack and Candice acting like a cheerful little family in the park, he had become more attentive, more thoughtful and, in her guilty mind, Liberty saw in that behaviour a way of marking his territory – of defending what had been his for years.
Every time she kissed him she compared the softness of his lips to those of Zack.