The foursome’s drinks arrived quickly, Garnet casually dropping a few Guilders into the waiter’s pocket. Jade was still figuring out the colorful alchohols and beers brewed on Metris, so had figured it was safe to order something made from Spectral juice. She tasted it gingerly, and discovered she had been terribly wrong.
“Oh my.” Jade blinked as the drink began a full frontal assault on her nervous system. “I think I’ll drink this one slow.”
“Good idea,” Lorne downed half his own colorful drink without a change in expression. “I …”
Whatever intoxication-related wisdom he was going to impart was stopped by a sudden onslaught of music from hidden speakers. The show, apparently, was starting. Garnet looked at her watch and shook her head.
“Ladies and Gentleman,” a cultured female voice boomed from above, “Intermission is over. Now, for your entertainment, we present, fresh from the fringes of the Earths, the Frontiersman!”
A strange, high-tech beat began to pulse throughout the club, complimented by clapping from some of the more enthusiastic members of the audience. Jade sat back and figured it was time to get entertained.
A rather unimpressive-looking man dressed in a black survival suit strode onto stage. Unassuming in appearance, he patrolled around the stage, almost catlike. Jade felt herself rather unimpressed - the breathing mask definitely didn’t help.
“Eh, not that interesting. I’m heading to the bathroom.” Lorne stood, finding himself the target of three mischievous looks and an equal number of smirks. “To use the facilities. Legitimately.”
“Oh, of course.” Garnet nodded. “Enjoy being a beat cop?”
“Hope everything comes out all right.” Clairice added, trying to look innocent.
“Take your time.” Jade said, not even making the effort to look innocent, since she usually failed anyway.
Lorne shook his head and strode off to find the facilities. One could almost hear him laugh to himself.
“Well, the Lorne-tormenting is over.” Garnet stated, looking at the stage while picking up her warmed guilders. “I’m going up girls, cover me.”
Garnet flounced up towards the stage, where the Frontiersman was covering his territory, expertly dodging other admirers. He dropped a glove here, his helmet there, but he was remaining disturbingly clothed.
“Hardly seems the thong type, does she.” Clairice commented as Garnets miniskirt bounced away.
“Garnet’s not what she seems at times.” Jade let a little more of her drink attack her sobriety. “I guess this guy’s popular, but he’s not worth shoving guilders down his drawers for.”
Clairice wagged a finger for emphasis. “You don’t exactly live with the best example of male attractiveness. Now Lorne is utterly gorgeous, but …”
“Ah, Huan’s kind of …”
Jades response was interrupted when the Frontiersman removed a good deal of his survival suit in one surprising motion. Suddenly, in Jade’s mind, he was more likely to be named the Cartographer, as he was revealing a great deal of territory.
“That,” Clairice said, pointing at the suddenly more-entertaining entertainer, “is not HuanJen.”
“No damn kidding.” Jade shook her head. She watched the Frontiersman move sinuously across stage for a few moments before a thought exploded in her head.
“I … um, how do you know what Huan looks like in a g-string?” Jade managed to ask. Images swam behind her eyes that she needed dispelled.
“I don’t, and as far as I know he doesn’t own one. Huan and I dated for awhile, I thought you knew that?”
Jade felt here sense of reality take a devastating blow. She had some murky suspicious about Huan’s sex life, and being a bit nosy, about the sex lives of all of her friends in Metris. However Huan and Clairice involved was not among those suspicions.
“It wasn’t for long,” Clairice continued, noticing Jade’s questioning look, “about two months. He’s a sweet guy, I figured ‘why not,’ but it just didn’t work out.”
“Why?” Jade’s attention left the Frontiersman entirely. Nudity was one thing, but strange phenomena were always more intriguing. Besides you could go out to Evening street and rent nudity for a low price.
Clairice tried to speak a few times, then settled for. “Just … its hard to describe. Huan …”
“Telling that story again?” Garnet appeared at her seat, several rump-warmed guilders poorer. “I thought she knew.”
“Everyone assumes I know what’s going on.” Jade grouched. She felt lost and hated that feeling. She was used to others being lost trying to figure her out.
“Ah, well, Garnet knows, obviously.” Clairice’s eyes focused onto the past “He’s nice. But, it’s hard … to keep the right distances. He’s hard to figure out. He … doesn’t have distances, and sometimes he’s far away.”
Garnet nodded. “He is hard to understand. I … wish I could have. I really do.”
“Yes.” Clairice returned to the present. “His mind … is not like other people’s, and he has a way of getting entangled in things I, frankly, didn’t need.”
Jade shrugged. “I don’t know, he doesn’t seem that mysterious to me. His mind’s just not … divided. He’s doesn’t break the world up into chunks. It’s all ‘Tao’ to him, I …”
Clairice and Garnet were staring at her, Clairice pleasantly surprised, Garnet with a sly smile.
“What?” Jade’s eyes narrowed.
“You’re explaining HuanJen.” Clairice said curiously. “And doing well. That’s how he feels. As far away as right now.”
“Well, we kept track of parapsychs at Colony.” Jade felt like she had to explain herself. “He’s not that complicated. He’s pretty relaxing to be around, really.”
“That’s true.” Garnet rested her chin in her hands while Clairice shrugged “Doesn’t quite compare to being here …”
“Well, did I miss anything?” Lorne lowered himself into his seat. Garnet suddenly brightened up at his return.
“Everything well in hand?” The red-furred Vulpine asked chipperly.
“You’ve corrupted her.” Lorne immediately accused Clairice. Garnet had apparently taken a liking to him now that he had drifted into her social circle again, but someone had to be blamed for her behavior.
“It happened naturally,” was Clairice’s defense.
“I need some corruption,” Garnet added.
Jade nodded, her voice a reservoir of mock sobriety. “She does. She lives with my brother.”
“Oh, I handle the corruption there too. We divide up the labor.”
“I’m not asking.” Lorne finished his drink, gestured at a passing waiter, and asked for another, with a polite ‘keep it coming’ request.
“Good idea,” Jade said seriously. “So, what’s next?”
Garnet held up a schedule she’d snatched on her way back to the table “The ever-loving Brothers McGregor.”
“Sounds like an acrobatic troupe.” Lorne said carefully.
“Sort of.” Garnet waved away the policeman’s concern. “I … you’ll have to see.”
“Do I want to … ah, what the hell.” The majority of Lorne’s second drink disappeared.
The music started again shortly, which Jade figured heralded the apparently legendary Brothers. They literally leapt on stage, two angular, dark-haired men in gymnastic outfits, and …
“Strip acrobatics?” Lorne asked, intrigued. You just didn’t see this kind of thing on the job without having to worry about arresting someone or asking a crowd to disperse.
“Yep.” Garnet nodded, eyes never leaving the stage. “The Orchard likes to try and do things a bit different.”
“As do the Brothers McGregor.” Clairice’s eyes displayed an amalgam of lust and wonder. “Its amazing they … nice backflip. Remind me to come here more often.”
“I will.” Garnet, Lorne, and Jade said at once.
“You don’t see this at the Nax.” Lorne said appreciatively. “OK, there was that one time, but Richa
rd threw them out. I . .. “
“Quiet.” Garnet hissed. “I’m trying to focus! You have to see their finale. I’ve never seen anyone … oh my.”
“Wow.” Clairice tried to put her feelings into words, but her hormones got in the way.
“That’s new,” Garnet sounded appreciative. “The older one’s double-jointed I think.”
“He’d have to be to bend like that,” Clairice said with a professional’s confidence.
Silence followed as the quartet conducted some mental medical evaluations, and reached the same conclusion: they didn’t care at this point.
When the Brothers McGregor left to a raucous round of applause and two sets of underwear thrown on stage, a stately, older woman sauntered onto stage. She waited for the applause to die down, then produced a microphone.
“Well, everyone having fun?” she asked. There was a roar of approval.
“Who …” Jade began.
“The MC.” Garnet whispered back. “Time for the special event.”
“Well, you know what tonight is? Everyone ready for amateur night? We had no winners last week due to that oil incident, so first price is two-hundred guilders. Guys, and I know you’re all waiting for this, sign up over at …”
Lorne, lost in a vaguely pleasant alcoholic haze, leaned back in his seat. This would probably be entertaining. Actually, the evening was turning out to be quite entertaining. He smiled fuzzily - all jokes aside, it was nice, nice to be out with more than just Clairice or Randy, or the just a face in the gang at the Nax. It was …
The Gendarme slowly came to realize three pairs of eyes were focused on him, all of them belonged to residents of his table, and all had a conspiratorial gleam in them.
“What? I … oh, no.”
The expressions didn’t change.
“Come on!” Clairice jumped to her feet. “It’d be great! I mean, look at you, you’d win hands and knees down!”
“Oh, hell yeah,” Jade said, tossing down a gulp of her drink. “Lorne, you’re easily the most attractive guy here. By far. Hey, we were just talking about something like that earlier.”
“I …” Lorne searched his brain for a reason to say no. However, he doubted any arguments about dignity, modesty, or decency were going to hold water with this lot.
Garnet raised a hand. “I vote he does it!” Clairice and Jade followed suit.
No …” Lorne began, obviously irritated.
“Hey, you’re a public servant. Start serving!” Jade joked, eyes flashing with all the enthusiasm of a person who know she wouldn’t be the one on stage in a skimpy outfit.
Lorne gritted his teeth. A little urge to do something different and outrageous was stalking his mind. He tried to clobber it with some common sense, but time, boredom, and a rather powerful alcoholic mixture made the effort ineffective.
Besides …
“Come on Lorne, it’ll be a night to remember.” Clairice wrapped her arms around the policeman’s thick neck. “You gave up a nice night of reading, why not go all the way.”
Besides, there wasn’t any reason not to. If he was here to have fun, he might as well go all the way and share the experience as it were. Old spinster indeed …
“Damn. Lets do it” Lorne said with the total assurance of someone whose common sense had just left for vacation without a forwarding address.
Lorne let himself be taken to the dressing rooms in back by his three companions, where he discovered about six other men had been as brave or as stupid as he. They gave him a wary glance, then looked at each other. One just shook his head and left.
The Gendarme tried not to smile too much. The fragments of his male ego leftover from his last relationship flared with pride.
“Good as won.” Jade patted Lorne’s shoulder.
“Yeah, now … I can’t really go on like this.”
“There’s spare costumes,” Garnet grabbed Lorne by his belt and dragged him over to a rack of clothing, elbowing her way past some of the contestants. “They do this once a week.”
“You could have told me.”
“I didn’t think it’d matter.” Garnet smiled wanly. “I mean, it sort of slipped my mind …”
“You need to get to know me better.” Lorne winked. “I know you’re telling the truth.”
Jade and Clairice followed the two, and began ransacking the costumes, which didn’t sit well with the other contestants. They hadn’t brought a group of sycophants with them.
“You’re girlfriends are … helpful,” whispered a stocky but attractive redheaded man.
Lorne looked down at the man. The guy was obviously being honest, and Lorne said the words that he had gotten sick of saying.
“I’m gay. Very gay. A lot.”
The man seemed nonplused. He looked at the three women. “What a waste.”
“You don’t know them,” Lorne retorted.
“You have a point …” the redhead nodded.
“Aha!” Clairice whirled around, holding a bundle of clothing. “Lorne, I have the perfect thing for you …”
The hopefuls stared at the nurse, then at Lorne. Another man threw up his hands and left.
In the opinions of the regulars, it was a pretty good amateur night for the Orchard. Though the owners strove to make the club as classy and entertaining as their parents had, they never tried taking themselves seriously. It was easy to be sleazy or pretentious, but amateur night managed to be entertaining and fun without being stupid or overblown. It was fun, and in the end, that’s why people went to the Orchard, even though it specialized in nudity-based-fun.
The first contestant was older, but spry gentleman, and a strip routine with top hat and tails was certainly imaginative fair. A few in the audience suspected he had to have done this before - it added an air of mystery to his performance. He seemed familiar, yet …
The second amateur didn’t have much in the way of show, but did have a body apparently composed entirely of pectorals. In his finale he bench-pressed the MC to a round of applause.
The third …
Lorne Thompson was in uniform.
Granted, it wasn’t his uniform. It wasn’t a proper Gendarme’s uniform - it was more a stereotypical amalgam of police uniforms from various Earths mixed in with peoples fantasies, a kind of tight, blue, semi-military thing. It was the kind of outfit you wore to attract criminals, not arrest them.
“And our third, contestant, the Gendarme!”
Two pairs of furry hands and one pair of fleshed hands pushed Lorne onto stage. There was a round of polite applause. Lorne tried to ignore it, and concentrate on …
Well, concentrate on having fun. Admittedly the major focus was getting nearly nude in an entertaining way, but he might as well enjoy it. He walked as he did on beat - relaxed, a good pace. He paused, turned, and did a few combat moves. The audience seemed to like that.
A few more quick punches brought more applause. He tossed away the hat, sending it sailing into the audience. It was flattering. It was different.
Lorne liked his privacy, but there was something about holding a crowd in your hand by just being there. It was a bit like being on patrol - people were happy to see you. He’d have to thank Jade for reminding him he’d become as stuffy as her partner - she was good at getting you out of yourself.
He performed a few kicks, and then he tore off the shirt, which had been specially designed for just such activities. There was more clapping. The lack of chest hair seemed to interest the crowd, though it wasn’t due to any effort - he was naturally not hairy.
A few more moves and his pants came off, revealing the tasteful g-string Garnet had chosen. “You want extra capacity,” she had said, “not for you ego, but lets face it you’re going to get tips, and … my. You’ll need it anyway”
The crowd certainly seemed to agree with Garnet. Before he realized it, there was the rather unexpected sensation of someone dropping a guilder into his underwear.
Well, it went with the territory, but it defini
tely felt like it had not been sat on enough.
Let them have their fun. Lorne drew the truncheon out of his rather lonely belt and waved it in mock caution. The woman seemed to enjoy the attention, and her companion …
… looked familiar.
Too familiar.
As did the hand shoving guilders into a rather restricted area.
Ten minutes later backstage and much more clothed, Lorne was busily talking to an older woman whose motherly demeanor didn’t conceal mild annoyance.
“Now, Lorne, really …”
“I understand, Sir. It was all in fun.” Lorne appeared to be much, much smaller. He clutched the robe Garnet had appropriated around himself defensively.
“I know, Lorne, but please, pick a different identity next time you strip? I mean, a little forethought.”
“Yes Sir …”
“Please, call me Constance. We are off duty, Lorne.”
Lorne nodded. “Um, do you want your money back …”
Constance looked down instinctively for a moment, then met Lorne’s eyes. “Leave it where it is. You earned it.”
“Understood. I’ll … see you tomorrow then.”
“Of course.” Constance nodded, her matronly demeanor dropping, and she walked out of the dressing room and back into the world of the Orchard.
“That was …” Jade asked from behind Lorne. Clairice and Garnet stood next to her, both quizzical.
“My … commanding Lieutenant.” Lorne said wearily. “I’m going to hear about this tomorrow. I know it.”
“Well, second prize and a few extra bucks in your crotch isn’t too bad.” Jade attempted to sound comforting.
“I suppose.” Lorne dug around beneath the robe and produced a handful of guilders. “Late dinner, anyone?”
“The wages of sin?” Clairice asked.
“Something like that. Lets go somewhere I won’t make a fool of myself … and no comments.”
“Sorry.” The three said at once.
Lorne stalked out of the Orchard and into the night, a man, thankfully, without a mission.
Returning home, Jade tried to figure out how to explain her evening to HuanJen.
He probably wouldn’t have asked anything more than “did you have fun,” but she felt like telling him. He was easy to share with. Besides, the stories were probably worth a good laugh. Knowing Huan he’d just had a quiet evening in, or called Rake up to argue theology.
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