Of course, everyone assumed he knew what he was doing, and as most of his friends had gone through a recent bout of questioning their own wisdom, no one questioned his.
Another problem with stories is that people forget the similarities. If you find you’ve recently done something stupid, assuming someone who’s done the same thing to be wiser than you may not be the best of ideas.
September 1, 2000 AD, Xaian Standard Calednar
Battle Chefs was one of the major fads of Xaian culture, if such a diverse culture could be said to have any identifiable fads. The other was the fledgeling Xaian Wrestling Federation, which was hampered by the need to find people who stood out enough to actually get attention while pummeling each other. On Xai, finding people who actually were stranger than their neighbors took effort.
Everyone on Xai knew Battle Chefs; a game where two chefs vied to create the best meal in an hour, was an idea stolen from a show popular on many Earths. However, on Xai copyright law was something that happened to other people. Besides, as most things on television were imports, something local and vaguely original was quite a change.
As the filming of a new episode approached, people were streaming into Culinary Arena. It was a huge, vaulted place, apparently once a storage facility for equipment for one of the local news stations, turned into a giant kitchen surrounded by rows upon rows of seats. Slowly, the seats filled up as an anxious crowd prepared for the evening’s entertainment.
Garnet tried to lead her entourage to their seats. Slate followed her duitfully, rather handsome in her opinion, in a casual blue suit that fit his fur. Lorne and Xianfu followed them, holding hands, joking playfully. Behind the Gendarme and the Outrider, Brownmiller tried to move as gracefully as he could, his wife Eileen, an elegantly formal woman, chided his clumsiness gently.
Garnet smirked. Three of the oddest couples on the planet …
… and one odd couple awaiting a very unique night.
“Hair?” Jade asked.
“Geled.” HuanJen answered
“Outfit?”
“All my regular equipment, the newest of my more formal outfits. Yes, the one you packed.”
“Good.” Jade looked over HuanJen. “Good.”
She was nervous, and she felt like people were looking at her. Even in the privacy of the small dressing room provided for HuanJen, she felt like eyes were upon her.
Which was ridiculous. She’d be sitting on the sidelines, while HuanJen made an idiot out of himself. He seemed calm, so she assumed she was being nervous for him.
Maybe it was being at a Communicant facility after the politics settled. Maybe it was HuanJen’s weird plan. Maybe …
“You are unwell, Jade?” HuanJen asked.
“I am … nervous.”
“Of course.” HuanJen took her hand and kissed it. “Is there anything else.”
Jade felt herself swallow back a welter of words.
… like “look, why is it you’re spending time with Riakka”
… like “you know, we tried to make this a good summer and it ends with you planning to make an idiot of yourself.”
“Just nervous,” Jade finally answered.
“I shall do well … or not well in this case.” HuanJen gave a smile that turned her heart to warm brandy.
“Yeah. I’ll sit there and cheer you on. The camera can zoom in on me now and then and I’ll look …”
“Folks? We’re ready.” Someone stuck their head in the door. Probably some assistant.
“Knock first!” Jade snapped. The mood vanished.
“Dear?”
“Sorry, Huan, let’s go …”
Jade accompanied HuanJen out, into the various hallways behind the Arena, and out into the aArena itself. She squinted in the lights.
There were a lot of people out there.
A lot of them …
“HuanJen, Magician-Priest of Guild Esoteric and his lovely assistant Jade!” an announcer’s voice boomed from a series of speakers.
… a lot of them that now thought of her as a helpful piece of ass.
She tried not to loose her composure. She was, despite the situation, in a remarkably bitter mood. It wasn’t that time of month, and she felt more menstrual than she did during those times.
It was so much, including a vague feeling of …
… things weren’t quite right.
” … and the ingredient is Onions! Shipped in from …”
It had been a lousy summer. Work, of course. Cleanup after the Historian. More work. Trying to be civil, trying to be like a regular couple. Riakka. Wondering about being a couple. Riakka …
” … our challenger HuanJen has already started on what looks to be …”
… then this. She should have been happy, but it really was just a chance to have fun with friends, put one over on the people that placed HuanJen. It didn’t feel right, it felt like things were still intruding. Like things were backwards.
Jade shook her head, and tried to focus on HuanJen. The holy man was a flurry of activity, yet he never seemed to move. Things just got done and he happened to not be in the same place as he was before. It would have been interesting to watch, except she was now “the lovely assistant.”
” … and HuanJen is … what’s this?”
Jade looked around. People were paying attention to someone charging down the aisle …
“Ah shit!” The Vulpine cursed.
Domino was charging down one of the aisleways, screaming something about “timing,” and in general giving the impression of a well-trained maniac in full flower. He almost managed to look threatening.
“It’s happening! It’s happening!” the misguided mentalist yelled, “only he can stop me. Only he can save you all!”
HuanJen, having been told he was recently promoted to savior, put down a half chicken. He didn’t appear particularly messiah like - few people could with chicken fat on their aprons.
“Domino …” HuanJen shook his head. “look, I …”
“I’m going critical!” Domino pointed to his head. “I had an idea. I thought, ‘why not see if pandemonium works!’ Ritalin helps people, but it hypes some up …”
Jade’s mind whirled into a chessboard-image of strategies. She reached behind her back and drew the Lakkom, the strange staff sliding into her hands as if it was part of her. Then, she circled around Domino. Her vision seemed to blur, catching on the edges of Domino’s troubled mind.
Pandemonium. A drug that caused varied effects, including some telepathy. In Domino’s confused head …
“Now, Domino,” HuanJen walked forward, his voice was warm blankets and hot tea, “listen, we’ve done what we can, and this isn’t going to …”
“I’m a real supernatural threat! A danger! How stupid do you think I am?” Domino screamed.
“Um, I know.”
Domino stared at the audience. A red-pelted female vulpine was looking at him. She didn’t seem to regard him as a threat.
“Er …” the confused psychic began.
“You’re really fucking stupid,” Garnet continued, “that’s how I’d rate you.”
“Dear,” Slate chided, “We’re being filmed. You just swore on the air.”
“Oh. Shit.”
Jade had stalked behind domino. She could feel something building in his head. From what little she knew, it was unlikely anyone would be hurt, but you couldn’t make that assumption. She may have been an apprentice, but she knew Zone Clerics - you didn’t take chances with people’s lives.
“No, no, no!” Domino grabbed two handfuls of his hair. “You don’t answer that question!”
“Well, sorry.” Garnet shrugged. “You did ask.”
“Rotan …” Eileen Brownmiller began, touching her husband’s hand.
Brownmiller shook his massive head. “They’re fine. No use complicating things.”
“True. Besides, with you sandwiched in the chairs, you do need to lose weight …”
“I am not going
to take this! I’m on a countdown to meltdown!” Domino yelled, oblivious to several security guards moving towards him. “Want to see what happens when I go critical! I’m the ultimate supernatural menace baby. Screw the Historian!”
“You’re not a supernatural menace,” Jade spat, getting the madman’s attention, “you’re the kind of menace that gets taken out by four teenagers and a dog.”
“I am too!” Domino pleaded. “Come on, I think I can manage a real mental meltdown! The whole thing! Telepathic discharge, nightmares, causing neuroses, even a haunt or two! Really! Someone take me seriously!”
Jade pointed the Lakkom at Domino. These were one of the moments life was delightfully simple. “Now, look … “
“Domino. Think fast.”
The deranged man turned around to see HuanJen wielding an onion. His left hand clutched an impressive carving knife.
Most people would, of course, assume the knife was about to be thrown. This is because most people don’t appreciate that most cutlery is not indented to be aerodynamic.
An onion, however, is reasonably spherical and thus, quite aerodynamic.
The vegetable bounded off of Domino’s head neatly. The blow seemed to be as stunning as the method of delivery, and left the unfortunate psychic reeling. Jade’s fist finished the job, rendering him unconcious with a few swift blows to the chin.
“Not using the Lakkom, dear?” HuanJen asked conversationally.
“Eh, why give him what he wants? I probably would have flattened the poor bastard anyway.”
HuanJen knelt by the unconscious man, riffling through his pouches of mysterious reagents. He finally produced a small tube of liquid.
“Glad I kept this handy. He is building up for a massive discharge. Can you feel it?”
Jade nodded. “A bit. What’ll that do?”
“Help him sleep through it, cleanse his system. Though, in the method it does it, I wouldn’t want to be nearby or have a sensitive nose …”
September 2, 2000 AD, Xaian Standard Calendar
“Jade?”
Jade slid into awareness. It was night, judging by the moonlight streaming in for the window. HuanJen was there. She couldn’t see him in the bedroom, but she knew he was there. He made the darkness warmer.
“Yes, dear?”
“I … wanted to talk. Jade, you seem unwell.”
“Oh, fine. Um …”
“Jade?”
“I was worried about you, um, in the thing …”
“I know that. Dearest, we take care of each other, things are fine.” HuanJen hugged Jade. The Vulpine buried her face in his shoulder.
“It’s not that,” Jade sighed, “it just made me think. Huan … I’ve got something to admit. I’ve … well … I’ve been jealosu of Riakka.”
“I had wondered.”
Jade shook her head and released HuanJen from her embrace. “You’ve spent a lot of time with her.”
“Of course. She’s something of a friend and we have a lot in common. It’s been nice. I didn’t think you’d worry.”
The Vulpine nodded slowly. “Yes. You went to lectures and everything. We did that a lot, Huan. We used to.”
“Well, you hadn’t seemed as interested. You understand, you seemed more interested in going to dinner, or seeing films. I mean I know you did your practice, but …”
“You of course … ah.” Jade nodded. “Yes. Um, Huan?”
“Yes.”
“I really love what we do. And … I’m going to talk to Riakka, OK?”
“Of course, why …”
“Trust me.”
August 3, 2000 AD, Xaian Standard Calendar
Riakka Bale looked over her office.
Office.
She had a new office for her teaching duties at the University. She knew that some of her position had depended on Guild Esoteric informing the Historians in no uncertain terms that she would not be penalized for her past activities. Still, she was looking forward to the quarter, looking forward to her students and her researches.
And her own office. Dean Challman had gone overboard after the Historian incident, even acquiring a small office for her when someone from the Science side of the Guild of Academics had moved on. Desk, a few bookshelves, and that was it, but it was hers.
There was a knock at the door. In a spiral of Historians robes, Riakka whirled around and opened the door. Someone else to share her joy with.
“Jade!” Riakka threw her arms around her Vulpine visitor. “How do you like it.”
Jade appeared surprised at the hug, though she responded civilly. “New office? Nice. How .. . are you?”
“Good.” Riakka closed the door. “I’m doing really good. New teaching assignments, new students. Real fine. You?”
“Here …”
Jade paused. She wanted to be subtle.
But subtle wasn’t her.
” … look I want to talk about HuanJen.”
“Is he OK?” Riakka asked suddenly.
“Fine, he’s fine, look … let’s sit down.”
With Riakka behind a desk and Jade in the only spare chair in the office, the Vulpine mystic looked straight at Riakka and said …
“um … “
“Jade?” Riakka asked.
“Is something …well, no, look, how do you feel about HuanJen. Really. Right now I’m … kinda suspicious and want to know.”
Riakka stared at Jade, then slowly took off her glasses. She stared at them in her hands, turning them over and over.
“I … never thought of it.”
“What do you think?” Jade felt herself being sympathetic. It was strrangely easier than being angry.
Riakka put her glasses back on slowly. “He’s kind. He’s nice. He … you can trust him. Brandon spoke highly of him when we went out.”
“I see,” Jade said, “I … you went out with Brandon? The Human Penis?”
Riakka blushed. “Well, yes, I mean it’s casual, and …”
Jade recognized Riakka’s expression and tone of voice. “You boffed Brandon?”
“Well,” the young Historian said, flustered, “He’s very nice and it was in fun. I’ve seen him a few times. He’s a charmer.”
“He’s a slut … well an honest one.” Jade analyzed the idea of Brandon and Riakka together. Well, Brandon always admitted he was out for a good time and had an extensive collection of ladyfriends. It was still hard to deal with.
“But HuanJen …” Riakka stared into space. “I liked having someone to talk to and do things with, and …”
“I know that ‘and’,” Jade said cautiously. “‘And’ is a big part of things.”
“He and I did spend a lot of time together, didn’t we?” Riakka aksed.
“Yes.” Jade’s answer was weary and sad. “I was trying to spend more normal time with him myself.”
“Oh, I … imagine it was tough.” Riakka tried to be comfroting. “After everything you went through. Paldayne and all.”
Jade shrugged. “Not really, that was bad, but … well, for HuanJen and I it is what we do. I mean, it’s a pain, but its life.”
“He’s used to the weird. That’s what I liked. I …” Riakka trailed off. “maybe, Jade. He is nice. He … he reminds me of Paldayne before … things happened. I always wondered about Paldayne … eh, that was awhile ago.”
“You … have this thing for creepy guys, don’t you?” Jade queried. A picture was forming in her mind, made of pen-strokes of intuition.
“I … well, it’s hard to say. I mean, Paldayne, he was deep, and HuanJen … oh, crap.”
“Bingo.” Jade wagged a finger. “Listen to yourself.”
“OK, maybe a little.” Riakka pinched thumb and forefinger together. “A bit. I guess. We was nice. Gods, Jade, I’m sorry, I mean …”
“Fine, fine, look, it’s not like I walk in here and find you’ve got a collection of his underwear.” Jade felt a strange sense of relief. It didn’t seem to spread to Riakka.
“I mean
, he’s into unusual things, and he’s always examining things, and he sees the world …”
Jade listened to Riakka rant. Interesting. Exotic. Kind. A man like a pillar of the world. It sounded quite familiar.
It sounded like her.
“Riakka,” Jade said with a smile, “shut up.”
“Sorry,” Riakka looked at her desk.
“It’s fine. You’re … well not much younger than me, but you’re human. And you admit it. It’s OK. Hey, I’m in love with the guy. A lot. Even after everything we go through.”
“I’m sorry, I’m …”
“No,” Jade said calmly, “you helped.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“You helped.” Jade stated again. She felt something oddly right with the world. Like remembering something you’d forgotten.
Riakka waved her hands. “I was taking your boyfrined away from you! I mean …”
“Nah, he was being friendly and he was enjoying your company because he and I were trying to be normal. Know what?”
“What?” Riakka asked weakly.
Jade stood up, and spread her arms. She felt like an angel taking flight, a dragon with wings unfurled.
“HuanJen and I are not freaking normal! I’ve got more body hair than most men! He’s got a head full of mysticism and weird crap just walks up and introduces itself to him. That is us. Us is … exorcisms and midnight strangeness and weird potions and him holding my hand and talking infinity.”
“Uh-yeah.” The young Historian nodded. It was a kind of automatic response, really. She’d used it a lot in classes, when a student asked a truly dumb question, or thought something boring was fascinating.
Jade looked into a distance only she knew. “He and I are ourselves. And, comparatively … we’re weird.”
Riakka smiled, slightly. She didn’t quite understood, but she had a feel that, at least, wasn’t one of ignorance. “He did talk about you a lot.”
“He does, I know.” Jade wrapped her arms around herself. She swore she could smell HuanJen’s scent. “You … thanks, Riakka. He’s worth it.”
“I can tell.” Riakka’s brow furrowed. “It’s in your eyes. I’ll just screw Brandon until I find Mr. Right.”
“You wouldn’t be alone.” Jade noted. “If the guy notched his bedpost, he’d be sleeping on the floor.”
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