by Renee Ryan
Every part of his body went on alert.
“Katherine,” he whispered.
She shut her eyes, swallowed. A shudder wracked through her body before she looked at him again. The blank stare she gave him confirmed his doubts. Whatever had happened to her, she’d allowed it to defeat her spirit.
A hand touched his shoulder. He turned, his gaze landing on Laney’s worried expression. “Don’t worry, Trey. She’s going to live.”
He defied one of his own rules and allowed fear to overtake logic. “What…what happened?”
Molly tapped him on the shoulder. “She lost the baby,” she whispered.
She lost the baby. Pain suffocated his ability to take a breath. Hoping he had misunderstood Molly, he looked to Laney. She nodded slowly, sadly, and then Shane Bartlett moved within his line of vision. “It’s true.”
“I didn’t know,” Trey said softly.
“She found out only a few weeks ago,” Dr. Bartlett replied.
Katherine had learned of their child while Trey had been hunting Ike Hayes. As his new wife had started preparing for their future, Trey had been clinging to the past, instead of remaining home with his family, where he belonged. Where. He. Belonged. The realization hit him hard.
Molly’s lower lip trembled. “I would have had a sister or brother.”
He patted Molly’s back, turned to look at Dr. Bartlett.
“Katherine? Is she going to—” He broke off, unable to say the words, afraid if he did, they would come true.
Dr. Bartlett sighed. “She’s fine, healthwise. But…” He lifted a shoulder in helplessness. “She’s been like this since yesterday.”
Trey turned back to his wife. She looked only half-alive, and then he knew what Dr. Bartlett was trying to tell him. Katherine was in shock, caught inside her pain and unable to release herself from the grief…the guilt.
He knew about those feelings, had felt them for months—no, years—after Laurette had died in his arms. For the first time since that fateful day, his quest for vengeance seemed secondary, less significant. All that mattered now was helping Katherine come back from the black world in which she hid.
If anyone knew what she was suffering, it was Trey.
He lowered Molly to the ground and then knelt in front of the little girl. “I need to be with your sister, alone.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” Laney said as she took Molly by the hand and led her out of the room.
Dr. Bartlett left as well, shutting the door behind him with a click. The silence hung thick and heavy in the room as Trey strode toward his wife. His wife. He knelt beside the bed, touched her cheek. He was home. He’d finally come home. But was he too late? Was he bound to fail his women when they needed him most?
Familiar guilt ripped through him all over again. This time the feeling was stronger, more real, than ever before. Katherine hadn’t wanted him to go, but he’d put vengeance ahead of her and her fears.
And now her soul was dying.
He shut his eyes and prayed a second time since Katherine had come into his life.
Oh, Lord, give me the strength to help Katherine break free from her grief. Give me another chance to do right by her.
He brushed the hair away from her face.
She blinked but didn’t respond to him otherwise.
“Come back to me, Katherine.”
As though his request finally lifted the veil cloaking her soul, her eyes cleared, and she slowly, hesitantly, lifted her arms to him.
The invitation was unmistakable.
With a moan of sorrow, he pulled her into his embrace, cradled her against his chest. There could be no more holding back, no more pretending this woman didn’t mean the world to him. “My Katherine. I love you.”
He just hoped he hadn’t waited too long to speak his heart aloud.
A huge shudder worked through her, followed by a giant gasp.
“Let it out, honey.”
Her sobs came then, spiraling on top of one another. Big, heart-wrenching sobs that ripped through his body as sure as if he’d been the one crying instead of her.
He rocked her as her whimpers grew louder, more painful to bear. But for her sake, he accepted them as her due. He knew she needed to grieve, needed to cry over her loss, but with each of her gasps, his heart broke a little more.
“I wanted our baby,” she said through tight, short breaths.
The silent sobs in his heart screamed for release, but he buried them. There would be time enough later for his own grieving. “Me, too.”
She raised her guilt-ridden gaze. “It’s all my fault, Trey.”
How many times had he said those same words? How many times had friends told him they weren’t true? In that moment, he finally understood what so many had tried to tell him. No man, or woman, could control life and death. That was God’s territory alone. Why hadn’t he seen the truth sooner?
Forgive me, Lord.
“No, baby, no. You aren’t to blame. These things happen.”
Pain flickered in her gaze, but she nodded. “Dr. Bartlett said that the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, has a plan bigger than me. Bigger than my understanding. Bigger than this tragedy.”
“Shane is right.” And Trey knew—he finally knew—the same was true for him.
She fell silent, her sobs turning to an occasional sigh of distress. Eventually, she turned limp in his arms, and he laid her gently back on the bed, pulled the sheet up to her chin.
“I want you to do something for me, my love,” he said.
She blinked up at him, her gaze clear but unreadable.
“Concentrate on getting well.”
“There’s too much to do. Charity House, chores…the school.”
He cupped her cheek. “Laney is a very resourceful woman. She’ll manage until you’re well again.”
“Molly—”
“I’ll take care of her. She’s my family now, too.” Katherine opened her mouth; he placed a finger over her lips. “Do this, please. For me.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “I don’t know how to be sick.”
How he loved her strength, her independence, but not enough to relent on such an important matter. “Then now is as good a time as any to learn.”
She shook her head, clearly preparing to argue with him.
He dropped a gentle kiss to her lips. “You’re not going to be sensible about this, are you?”
An echo of a smile quivered at the corners of her mouth. “Those lessons in patience never took.”
Relieved by the small glimpse of the Katherine he’d left weeks ago, Trey pressed his lips to her forehead. “Concentrate on getting some sleep.”
He rose from the bed, but her hand shot out to still his progress. “Don’t leave me.”
“Never. I just have to take care of a few things. Then I’ll come and sit with you.”
She nodded. “I’d like that.”
He kissed the top of her head, then caressed her cheek, stunned he could feel both joy and fear at the same time. “I’ll be right back.”
“Trey, I have a question for you,” she said, her voice stopping him as he tried to turn and leave.
He strode back to the bed, knelt beside her and waited.
Shifting her gaze around the room, she sighed. “What…what happened with Ike Hayes?”
She spoke in a deceptively mild tone, but her eyes reflected her concern for him.
Even when she needed to focus on her own healing, she fretted over him. Part of Trey admired her ability to think of others before herself, but part of him wanted to shake her and order her to concentrate on Katherine for a change.
Nevertheless, he owed her the truth. “He escaped.”
“You didn’t kill him or bring him back with you?”
“No.”
“Will you go back—”
“No.” He pulled her hand to his lips, pressed a kiss to her palm. “I don’t know whether I’ll ever get the chance to serve up justice, or whether Ike
will run free forever, but I’m going to let God handle the particulars from here on out.”
He wanted to believe his own words—for Katherine’s sake as well as his own—but Trey didn’t know if he could hand over the control to God completely.
As much as he wanted to start his new life, he couldn’t abandon the notion that until Ike Hayes was caught and brought to trial, Trey would stand poised between two women—one gone forever, the other within reach, yet still so far away.
Both women pulled at him, each with her own power over his future. And because he wasn’t sure he could fully release one for the other, his heart broke for them all.
Chapter Twenty-One
A week later, Katherine stood in her room, staring out the window at the activity in the yard below. As she watched the children play, the sound of their laughter skipped through her heart and tugged a happy smile onto her lips. Ready to join the healthy again, she pivoted on her heel, picked up her skirt and finished dressing, making sure she moved slowly, patiently.
If she were honest with herself, she would admit that some good had come out of her loss and subsequent illness. Confined to her bed, she’d had a lot of time to pray, to mourn and to reassess what she wanted and needed from her husband.
As fearful as she’d been of falling in love with a lawman, her heart had defied her good sense. And now the prospect of a future with Trey Scott by her side didn’t seem so terrifying.
All her life she’d felt like she was on the outside looking in, never truly belonging anywhere. She’d been judged and found lacking so many times, she’d lost hope that she would ever find genuine love and acceptance beyond the Lord’s unshakable love. Craving certainty, she’d built her own orderly life in a world that didn’t want her kind.
Then Trey had come along and had beaten down her defenses with his arrogance, masculine pride and mule-headed persistence.
In the end, he’d shown her trust, commitment. And love. He’d helped heal her shame. Now she wanted to help him find his way back to God.
If only she’d tried harder to protect the seed of their new love. Clutching her stomach, she resisted the urge to cry yet again. It still hurt to think of their child, their mutual loss. Perhaps with time, a lot of prayer and Trey’s love, healing would come here as well. With that thought in mind, she went in search of her husband.
She found him in the parlor. He stood looking out the window, silently watching the children at play in the yard, as she had done in her room moments before. A heady blend of spices and wood filled her senses as she moved closer.
From his clenched jaw and rigid stance, she knew something was wrong. A storm was brewing in him, and he looked ready to do battle. Fear surged up in a primal haze, gripping her heart and twisting. On shaky legs, she moved closer, and immediately recognized the hint of longing in his unfocused gaze.
“Trey?”
He turned to her, his expression grave and serious. She waited, afraid to move. He didn’t respond, just clenched his jaw harder and stared at her as though he were looking straight through her.
Angling her head, she ignored the panic gnawing at her and focused only on his silent turmoil. “What is it? What’s happened?”
As he continued to stare at her, despair coursed through her blood. But then his expression cleared, and with one swoop, he tugged her against him, bending his head until his lips landed lightly against hers.
It felt so good to be in his arms again. So right. And when he deepened their kiss, Katherine relaxed against him. In that moment, she knew they could have a true marriage. A happy marriage. If only they both tried a little harder.
But as he drew his head away from her, she had a sudden urge to cling. Something wasn’t right.
“How are you feeling?” He whispered the question, as though he was afraid if he raised his voice, he would cause her irreversible harm.
“Weak,” she admitted as she toyed with the hair falling over the back of his collar. Dropping her hand, she sighed. “But stronger than yesterday.”
He nodded. “Good.”
Tucking her under his arm, he dropped a kiss on her forehead. The unpracticed intimacy of the gesture rendered her hopeful, in spite of the foreboding that filled her.
She knew with a woman’s instinct that this man loved her deeply. The kind of love she’d given up hope of ever winning in this lifetime because of the taint of her past. If only it was enough to conquer the apprehension tripping along her spine now.
Oh, Lord, give me the strength to hear what he doesn’t want to tell me.
“What’s on your mind?” she asked.
He turned toward the window, pulling her with him. “Molly. I was thinking how much she’s changed over the past few months. She’s a different child than the one I first met.”
Gratitude overcame her, nearly buckling her knees. “You had a lot to do with that.”
He didn’t answer right away. The echo of a smile wisped across his lips. “I love her like my own.”
The declaration warmed her heart, but the weary resignation in his voice put her on guard. “What’s wrong, Trey?”
Straightening to his full height, he lowered his gaze to hers. “We have to talk.”
A burning sensation knotted behind her eyes, and she was suddenly so very cold. She could tell by his concerned expression that he wanted to alleviate her worries, but they both knew he wasn’t enough of a liar to pull it off.
Sensing what was about to come, and hoping against hope she was wrong, Katherine kept her eyes locked with Trey’s.
He brushed her hair away from her face. “I have to leave you again.”
Air caught in her lungs, clogging just below her throat until she was gulping for it. Not trusting herself to speak without begging him to stay just a little longer, she swallowed her words behind a sniff.
“I don’t know how long this will take.”
She folded her arms across her chest, but she couldn’t still the wave of doom surging through her soul. Her heart ached for him. For her. For them both.
Although he moved restlessly under her unwavering scrutiny, he regarded her with severe gray eyes. “I’ll come back to you.”
“Don’t make promises.”
With the turmoil of decisions already made mixing with the regret swimming in his eyes, he sighed. “Maybe I need to make promises. Maybe this time I need the words.”
He shifted his gaze to a spot over her shoulder, shuddered, then squeezed her tightly against his chest. “Katherine, I almost lost you while I was away. I don’t want to leave you again. Not even for a few hours.”
“Then why go?”
His frustration seeped into her. “I have to.”
“What aren’t you telling me?”
“Ike Hayes was spotted in Colorado Springs yesterday. I believe he’s heading for Denver. I have to get to him before he gets here.”
Katherine pressed her cheek against his shoulder, stilling the cry of despair rising from her soul. “How do you know he’s coming here?” She was only half-aware that her words came out shrill.
He stood with the posture of a man who refused to bend. Ever. “I know.”
A shiver started at her knees, moved through her stomach and ended in a vicious tremble that rattled her pounding head. “I suppose asking you not to go is a waste of breath?”
The determination in his eyes seared her to the bone. “He killed my wife and child.”
Katherine staggered out of his embrace. Pain exploded in her head, making her dizzy and knocking her off balance. Regardless of all he’d said, Trey still hadn’t let go of the past. He hadn’t let go of his love for his dead wife.
Just as she’d always feared, he would continually leave her to avenge Laurette’s death, even if he said otherwise.
And yet, Katherine still wanted him in her life. Enough to take whatever part of himself he could give her. She knew that made her pathetic, but there was no reasoning with a heart bound by love. “You have to do what you thin
k is best.”
He flinched as though she’d slapped him. “Katherine, don’t do this.”
“Do what?”
“Meekly accept what I have to tell you. Where’s the fighter I married? The woman who challenged me at every turn?”
A bitter wind blew through her soul. “Is that what you want? Do you want me to tell you what a fool you are? Tell you your quest for justice has turned into a selfish drive to ease your own guilt?”
“No. Yes.” He waved a hand between them. “I don’t know. Is that what you really think?”
“Does it matter?”
“Yes. You’re my wife. What you say is important to me.”
“Then tell me what you want to hear, Trey, and I’ll say it.”
“I want to hear honesty.”
“All right. Vengeance isn’t ours to take. It’s God’s. Life is all about loss, Trey. No matter how many times you go after Ike, and even if you kill him with your own hands, you won’t bring your wife back.”
“Katherine, you’re my wife.”
She shook her head at him. “Not as long as you continue this self-appointed, one-man quest to avenge Laurette’s murder. What happened to letting God have the control? Why can’t you at least try to show mercy?”
“Mercy?” He spat the word. “Ike Hayes kills without conscience. I can’t and won’t give mercy to a monster like that.”
“Oh, Trey. None of us deserve mercy. That’s the point of the cross. God sacrificed His Son for us, not because we deserved it, but out of His grace.”
“It’s not that simple.” She could see the emotions waging a bitter battle in his eyes.
“Yes. Yes, it is.”
“I have to do this for us, for our future together,” he said, with a frustrated hiss. “I have to finish it.”
“Don’t lie to me, or to yourself, Trey. This isn’t about us. Going after Ike Hayes is for you, only you.”
His jaw flexed, but he didn’t deny her words. “I can’t change what I am.”
She would not cry. Not this time, not in front of him. “You think I don’t know that? No matter what I say, you’re going after that man. You say you want honesty from me? Well, here it is.”
She ignored the foreboding that refused to let her go, the feeling that if he left now, he’d never come back. “Part of you will always be locked in the grave with your wife. If going after Ike Hayes is what it takes to set you free, then go.”