by Stacey Lynn
“Sure, until I’m the one up with him having nightmares during the night.”
“I could always stay over, just in case.” Marcus said with a small teasing of his lips. But his voice was smoother than it had been before, and a little bit deeper, and I had a feeling he wasn’t just concerned about Logan and his possible nightmares.
“And that’s my cue to take off,” Macy said with a cheeky smile thrown in Marcus’s direction. I frowned, but helped her pack up her wedding binder and walked her to the door.
“I’ll get Logan ready for bed,” Marcus said and held his hand while they walked to his room.
“Don’t do anything stupid,” Macy said as she walked out the door.
I frowned. She could be referring to a dozen stupid things. I wondered which one she meant specifically.
“About school. Don’t let Jack be the reason you take off. Schools in Chicago are great, if not better, than your other options and you know it. I might have to kick your ass if you take off.”
I opened my mouth to respond but she skewered me with a glance. “Just think about it before you decide.”
I nodded and closed the door.
Logan and Marcus were laughing in his bedroom so I went in to see them huddled together in his full size bed. Marcus was laying on his side, one arm curled under Logan, his other hand holding Logan’s favorite Corduroy book.
“Crash went the lamp!” Logan said when they got to the page where the little bear knocked over the lamp in the department store. I crossed my arms and leaned against the doorway, watching Marcus read to our son and a feeling of warmth spread over me. I had dreamed of this scene for years, Marcus and I as a family, tucking our baby into bed.
Marcus’s blond hair fell almost to his eyes. I remembered how soft it used to be when I would run my fingers through it when we were together. It was a little bit shorter now, and styled more professionally, but his natural light blond highlights were the same. The edges of his eyes wrinkled a little bit as he smiled at Logan while reading the story. He was older now, and so much the man I remembered, but in a way, better looking. He looked peaceful, curled up reading his son a bedtime story.
I felt tears pricking at the edges of my eyes and backed out of the room before they saw me, but when I hit the living room, I picked up my camera and tip-toed back to the room. I wanted to remember this moment and I knew Marcus would, too.
I caught both of their attentions when they heard the camera click as I took the picture. Marcus set the book down on Logan’s lap and leaned in to give him a kiss on his cheek.
I smiled, happily, at the joy that flooded Logan’s face and the tears returned. I was right in the middle of living out the dreams that used to torment me at night after Marcus left, and in the first couple of years after Logan was born. The memories of those dreams and the real-life events occurring right before me scared the crap out of me.
Marcus said good night and walked to the door.
He lightly put a hand on my arm and my body warmed instantly. This was a softer touch than the friendly ones he’d given me, and his eyes were more serious when he gazed down into mine. “Logan wants a kiss good night from you,” he finally said and quietly left the room.
I watched him leave the room and when he was gone, I realized I was still frozen in the same spot. What in the heck just happened?
I shook off the funny feelings I felt when Marcus touched me and looked at me like that. It was just so familiar. Safe. And nothing at all like Jack.
I gave Logan his kiss good night, tucked him into bed by tucking the sheets of his bed down the length of his body and under his feet. It was our nightly ritual of tuck-tuck-tuck so he was as snug as a bug in a rug, and we giggled just like always.
I closed the door to his room, smiling at my perfect little boy. He was the best thing to happen to me in the world.
I froze again when I reached the living room. This time, there was no warmth in Marcus’s eyes. He stood in the middle of the room, his green eyes looking positively glacial and held up the brochures for the colleges Macy and I had spent most of the night talking about.
“What in the hell is this shit?” he spat out and smacked them down on the coffee table.
I ignored him and walked to the kitchen, knowing I had some explaining to do, but not knowing how to start.
“Want a drink?” I asked casually, but based on the anger that flickered across his face, only pissed him off more.
“Beer. And then explain to me why you think you’re going to leave the state with my kid.”
I bristled at the accusation but handed him his beer anyway. “They’re less than two hours away, Marcus. And I’m not taking Logan from you. You’d still be close enough to see him on the weekends.”
He looked panicked as he took a long pull on his beer, almost finishing half of it with one large gulp. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and took a deep breath. “I just started getting to know him, Emma. You can’t leave now.”
“I don’t know if I can stay,” I said after a few minutes of quiet, but thick tension prickled in the air between us. “I don’t even know if I’m going back to school. I’ve just been trying to figure out what in the hell I’m supposed to do now. Without…”
I cringed and stopped talking.
“Jack,” he supplied. His voice was full of venom and anger as he spit the word out like it was the most foul four letter word in existence. Although, it did have four letters, so maybe he wasn’t too far off the mark.
I nodded and re-filled my own glass of wine.
Marcus sounded softer when he spoke again. “You know, a part of me is really pissed off that Jack hurt you like this. I hate seeing you this broken, and sad.”
Irritation rippled through my nerves, making me feel like I needed to shed a layer of skin. I didn’t want to talk about Jack with Marcus and I certainly didn’t want anyone telling me how broken I looked.
“It was worse after you left, if that makes you feel any better.”
Marcus gasped. “Are you fucking serious right now? No, that doesn’t make me feel any better! Damn it, Emma. I hate what I did to you, and I feel like shit every single day knowing that I left you – with Jack, no less to take care of what’s mine.”
I don’t know what in the hell he had to be so pissed about, but I certainly wasn’t anyone’s possession. The very mention of the word ‘mine’ threw me back to visions of Jack and how he so adamantly declared that Logan and I were his to protect and care for. How did it get so screwed up so quickly?
“I’m not yours,” I said through tears that began falling. I hated them. I hated every single tear I let fall for Jack, because I knew. I knew this was going to happen the minute I first touched him at that stupid Irish Pub. I knew I would let him in and he would crush my heart into a million pieces and that was exactly how I felt right then.
I looked down at the floor, almost as if I could see my heart beating on the tiled floor at my feet.
Before I knew it, I was wrapped in arms that at one time, had been my favorite place in the world to be.
“I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant.” Marcus held me while my sobs were the only sounds filling the entire apartment.
When I quieted down and stopped shaking, I realized who was holding me and slowly backed away.
“Sorry,” I said while wiping my tears and giving him the most pathetic smile ever. “I just…I didn’t mean to do that.”
Marcus took a few steps away and rested his hands at his sides. “You know, what I was going to finish saying was that I hate that he’s broken you like this. But the other part of me….the other part is glad you’re single again.”
My eyes widened and he held up a hand to stop me. What in the hell was he saying?
He held his arms out, and looked at me nervously. “I always wanted this, Emma. You, me, and our child. I know I fucked it up. I know I don’t deserve another chance, and I definitely know now is a really bad time to even bring it up. But b
eing with Logan at the movie tonight, and the sleepover last week? It’s just not the same without you. I want my family. I want the family we – you and me – always wanted together. And you might think I’m an asshole for saying this now, but I’d hate myself if I bit my tongue and didn’t tell you.”
What did I say to that? I stared at him, my eyes wide with wonder and amazement at the proclamations I just heard, and just stared. I don’t know how long I looked at him, feeling – who knows what in the hell I was feeling at that moment. I missed Jack. And I loved Jack. My heart was broken from the way Jack treated me. But at one time, I loved Marcus. He had been it for me and I was so sure when I was young, and twenty, that I had found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
I looked at him. Really looked at the man he had become and even though I hadn’t looked at him with anything more than an attraction before, now, I saw him. He made my stomach flutter as we stared at each other in my little galley kitchen. He was taller, his shoulders broader, and his jaw more square. He had that same smile. It was lazy, like he didn’t care about anything in the world, but I knew how passionate he was. I knew what his hands felt like when they caressed my body softly, gently, as he tenderly made love to me for the first time and took my virginity. He cared for me. He used to, many years ago and I could see that same protective, but loving look he gave me now.
He was nothing like Jack.
Marcus….this Marcus, was safe, and he was the father of my child. Did I owe it to Logan to see if we could make something work again? Did I owe it to my son to see if we could be a family the way we had originally planned?
“Marcus,” I finally said, ending our staring contest. I didn’t know what I wanted to say. I didn’t know if I should say okay, or get the hell out of my house, or what. It was too confusing. Too emotionally surprising, given the shitty week I had had.
My eyes grew wider, and my stomach flipped as he closed the few spaces between us and cupped my cheek with his hand. It was soft and tender, just like I remembered and I found myself leaning into the warmth he provided.
“I don’t need an answer, tonight,” he said softly. I tilted my head up to look at him and blinked. His green eyes were softened; just like they used to be when he looked at me in college. I remembered that look. Did he really feel the same way he used to? “I just needed you to know. But please,” he said and nodded towards the living room, “don’t take Logan away. Don’t leave me, until you know for sure it’s the best thing for everyone.”
I swallowed slowly, thinking of what he was asking from me, and then I froze. Marcus leaned forward softly, aligning his firm and muscular body with mine just like he used to. It sent chills down my spine. How could I feel like this, with Marcus –the man I hated more than anyone just over a month ago? But I did, and my body responded before my heart could tell it to back the hell up.
Before I knew it, his soft, warm lips were pressing gently against my forehead. I did nothing. I couldn’t move. I almost wanted to put my hands on his waist to see what he felt like, but before I could even finish the thought, much less act on it, he pulled away and smiled down at me.
“I’m willing to wait for you to figure everything out with Jack, but I also want you to know I’m not going anywhere. I just want a chance to have the family we used to want.”
He lightly brushed my cheek with my knuckles and headed for the door.
I stood in the kitchen, long after he left, polishing off my bottle of wine alone wondering what in the hell just happened. His parting words left me thinking. What stuff did Jack and I have to work out?
He left me. Fired me. And I was left to pick up the pieces and figure out a way to provide for Logan and myself.
TWENTY-ONE
“This place is pretty damn cool,” Macy said with awe as we walked into SkyJump, an indoor trampoline park, for Logan’s fifth birthday party. A dozen of his classmates gathered in the entryway, their parents signing release forms, while Macy and I were standing, mouths wide open at the massive room filled with one enormous trampoline. It was the length of the entire room, had red padding in between the individual trampolines, and they curved up the walls at least eight feet in the air.
It was awesome and I couldn’t wait to get on them and jump off some much needed steam. Dean, Tate and Marcus had already taken off their shoes and joined Logan on the trampolines, jumping around like the big kids they were.
We bounced and jumped for an hour. Tate and Dean stopped halfway through, completely out of breath after doing flips and jumps and trying like hell to impress a bunch of little kids.
Macy and I laughed so hard while we threw ourselves off the wall, that we almost peed our pants. That was my cue to take a break along with the other guys, although Marcus and Macy stayed on, determined to get their money’s worth for every single second.
My legs shook from overuse by the time I got off. I walked over to Dean, fixing my messed up ponytail, a huge smile on my face, my breath panting like I’d just run a marathon. My legs were going to be so sore by the time bedtime hit.
“That was so awesome,” Dean said, while chugging a bottle of water.
“I know,” I breathed out. “Who knew a place like this could be so fun. I wonder how many kids puke on it.”
“Gross. Probably more than we could imagine.” He took another chug of his water and then turned to me, more serious. “How are you?”
“Crappy, to be honest.” I shrugged and smiled at Marcus trying to teach Logan and his friend, Spencer, how to do a back flip. I cringed, hoping Logan’s birthday party wouldn’t end in a trip to the Emergency Room. “I’ll get over it, though.”
“You still thinking of running?”
I pursed my lips. “I was never thinking of running, but sometimes a change of scenery can be a good thing. You of all people should know that,” I reminded him of the night we met and he had said he went out of state for work to get away from his family’s expectations and not just take what he was given.
He shrugged. “Yeah, but I had good reasons. You’d just be leaving because you’re scared.”
“Whatever, it doesn’t matter. I sent my applications in this week to Chicago only schools.” I smiled and winked at Dean. For someone who I had originally thought was going to be a stuck-up little rich boy, he had turned into a good friend over the last couple of months.
I thought he would smile back, but instead, his shoulders tightened and one of his arms went around my shoulders. I frowned.
“Jack’s here.” He narrowed his eyes and looked out the window to the entryway behind us. “Want me to tell him to leave?”
How did Jack even know we were going to be here? And why was he here? My hands started shaking nervously and I felt my heart begin racing out of control.
“What?” I asked with a voice so shaky I could barely understand myself.
Slowly, Dean turned me around, but kept his hand on my shoulder the whole time so that by the time I was staring at Jack through the windows, Dean was standing completely behind me, both his hands on my shoulders, holding me up.
My mouth dropped and I leaned back into him.
“What am I supposed to do?” I asked as I turned my head to Dean and away from Jack. I couldn’t describe the look on Jack’s face. His lips were pulled into a tight white line and his free hand was stuffed into his front pocket. His eyes were unreadable. Blank and cold and absolutely devoid of any emotion as he stared at the two of us.
“I can make him leave,” Dean repeated, but I shook my head.
“It’s okay, I can handle it.” Dean gave me a doubtful look, but let go of my shoulders anyway.
With shaky legs, I took a few steps out of his protective hold and walked to the entryway doors to meet Jack. It was the first time I had seen him in weeks and I could feel large, angry butterflies trying to burst free from my stomach. I suddenly felt like throwing up and knew it had nothing to do with the thirty minutes I had just spent jumping around.
J
ack did this to me. He always made me feel all sorts of crazy. Where before it was in awe and wonder at the man who could make me feel beautiful and desired and wanted like no one else had before, now, I was terrified. Why was he here?
“What are you doing here?” I asked as I met him outside. He stayed on the sidewalk the entire time, never once entering the place we were having Logan’s birthday. He held up a gift bag in one of his hands that was decorated with Star Wars Lego people.
“It’s Logan’s birthday, I wanted to bring him a gift.”
I crossed my arms and took a step back, refusing to take the gift he offered.
“I don’t want it.”
“It’s not for you,” he said with a frown.
“I’m not letting you give that to Logan. He’s finally just stopped asking questions about why you left us….why you left him. And I’m not going to give him anything to encourage the idea that you might be coming back into his life. It wouldn’t be fair to him.”
“Emma….” He roughly ran his free hand through his hair. He looked down at the ground and when he looked back up to me, I saw how tired his eyes looked. Stress lined his forehead, and he wore purple circles under his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it. I hated it when people did that.
“What?” I snapped at him and looked back to Dean and into SkyJump, wondering if anyone could see us. I had a straight view of the trampoline area so I took a few steps backwards, out of view from everyone else and gave Dean a head nod, letting him know I was okay.
“Are you dating him?” Jack asked me, his eyes narrowed in anger. I felt anger and annoyance prickle every nerve in my body. I bit the inside of my bottom lip, for just a second, trying to hold myself back from saying anything stupid and then decided I didn’t care.
“None of your business.” I spit at him, my eyes looking just as pissed off.
And then, I saw it. I saw the regret and pain flash through Jack’s eyes as he stared me down. Did he regret breaking things off with me or firing me? I wanted to know. I had to know. At the same time, I was terrified that what I saw was just an illusion. Jack was a master manipulator with the gift of getting anyone to do what he wanted to do, at least when it came to business. Hell over the last few weeks since we’d been apart, I’d spent enough hours wondering if all I was to him was just some manipulation. He came on so strong and swooped me up, making promises he didn’t end up keeping. Was I just a game to him - screw the housekeeper when he got tired of the blonde supermodels that typically clung to him?