by Scott, S. L.
With my sensibilities still intact, I whisper, “I’m not yours for the taking. I … I can’t play this game with you anymore.” This is my only attempt at saving myself, and for some reason, I hope he doesn’t believe me.
His body leaves mine cold and alone, and he walks away. He stops and looks back at me. “That’s too bad, Mallory, because we are so good together.”
I want to stop him. I want to shout that he can take me whenever he wants, but I also know my heart can’t handle his hot and cold temperaments anymore.
* * *
The next morning, I wake up with a pounding headache. I take ibuprofen and lie back down on the couch. It’s early and the bright day hurts my eyes. I roll over covering my head with my blanket and fall back asleep.
“UH!” I hear Sunny gasp above me. “Mallory, what happened?”
My eyes flash open causing me to wince from the light flooding the room. “Sunny,” I grumble, “you scared me. What is it?”
She drops to her knees besides the couch and gently rubs over my bandage. “What happened to your head?”
“Oh, that.” I roll over being careful not to put pressure on it. “I drowned, went to the ER, and got three stitches. It looks worse than it is.”
“Holy shit, Mal. Are you all right?” Hearing Sunny curse means she’s concerned.
“I’m fine—”
“What do you mean you drowned? You’re here.”
“Noah gave me a surfboard—”
“Wow! That’s nice.”
“Yeah, but I took it out surfing and wiped out. I was trapped under water, but Evan saved me—”
“You were with Evan?”
“No, I was surfing alone.” She looks confused and I’m starting to feel a little confused myself. He never actually told me how he just happened to be there. “I hit my head on a reef and guess I drowned. He pulled me out and saved me. I started to bleed and he took me to the hospital where I got bandaged up. They told me I was fine, so don’t worry.”
“Let me get this straight. You and Evan spent time together?”
“Really? That’s all you got from my harrowing adventure. I drowned, Sunny!”
A huge grin covers her face, and she says, “But, Evan saved you. That’s so romantic.”
“Can you stop swooning for one minute and stick with me here?”
“Okay, I’m sorry. I’m focused again. You’ll be okay, right?”
“Yes, but my head hurts.”
“What can I get you?”
I look at the cable box clock and see that I’m due into work in an hour. “Nothing. I just need a shower and to eat something before I go to work.”
“You go take your shower and I’ll make you a sandwich. Sound good?”
“Sounds better than good. Thanks,” I say, getting up and walking to the bathroom.
Later, Sunny drops me off at work and I dive right into the busy afternoon. I prefer busy because it lets me put my attention on work instead of other things or certain other people. I have so many questions for Evan and don’t know when I’ll get answers since I told him to leave me alone, so it’s best to not think of him at all.
By eight, Noah shows up, smiling and handsome, as always. I still wish my heart could love him the way I don’t want to admit that I might be in love with Ev … No, I won’t even think about him.
I greet him with a hug.
Worry colors his expression, and he asks, “What happened to your head?”
My hand covers my wound. “Oh, this, yeah, it’s nothing.”
“It’s definitely something, Mallory. Tell me.”
I look down knowing my story will hurt his feelings, but he deserves honesty from me. I tell him all the gory details, but leave out the part about Evan breaking the board. He looks troubled and guilty. “I knew I shouldn’t have given you the board. I knew better, more than you’ll ever understand, but I wanted to be the one to teach you. I wanted us to have that to share so we could spend more time together. I’m sorry. It was a stupid gift.”
“Please don’t blame yourself. It was a wonderful gift. Really, the best gift I’ve ever gotten. It was very thoughtful. I’m just sorry it got broken.”
“Boards break. They’re just fiber-glass. I’m glad you’re all right. I might owe Ashford a thank you. That’s not going to be easy to do.”
“You don’t owe him anything. Please don’t feel bad, okay?”
Looking at his watch, he says, “You’ve been off work for a half-hour. You ready to go to the bonfire?”
I’m relieved he’s not upset about the board being broken. “Let’s go have a good time. I think we both can use one.”
When Noah and I approach the bonfire at the beach, he takes my hand and smiles. I can see the innocence in his eyes, so I don’t mind the gesture. There’s already a large crowd of people, and I don’t know any of them. Noah introduces me to a couple of his friends and then I hear Sunny. I turn and see her running toward me. Grabbing me into a hug, she whispers, “This is gonna be a great night.” She then hugs Noah, thanking him again for the paint job. Taking my hand, she turns to Noah and laughs. “I’m stealing Mallory for a little while.”
As soon as we walk away, she says, “Zach built a bonfire and there’s a small group over here.”
“You’re dragging me from one bonfire to another? Why?” I ask her at the same time I see him—Evan.
Zach greets us with a drink for both of us. I can smell rum and know I’m going to need it.
“Mallory,” Evan says, acknowledging me.
“Evan,” I say and take a large gulp from the plastic cup.
I maintain a safe distance from him and continue sipping my drink as Sunny chats about work, a new outfit, and the bonfire. She whispers Evan’s name several times, but I can’t say I’m really listening. I’m too caught up in him. Our eyes are locked, bonding us across the small fire.
That is until a girl bounces over to him, wrapping her arms around him like she owns him. She’s tan, pretty, blonde, and desperate for his attention. From what I can gather, his standard brand of girl. I, on the other hand, am not, which is why his interest in me is confounding.
He shifts, looking uncomfortable while keeping her at a distance. He seems surprised by her presence, yet anyone here can plainly see that she’s obviously with him. We remain wordless as our gaze remains locked until the blonde kisses him. Turning away, I see Sunny who looks like how I feel—upset. “I’m sorry, Mal.”
Turning my back on him, I ask Sunny who the girl is.
“That’s what I’ve been telling you. Didn’t you hear anything I’ve been saying? I’m not sure what’s going on with him.”
I down my drink and leave the scene with my heart lying wounded in the pit of my stomach.
The wind is blowing and the ocean is loud, but I still hear Evan yell from behind me. “Mallory! Don’t leave.” His tone is demanding and I stop then continue to Noah’s side. A few people are watching us, my back is to Evan, but I know he’s coming. Like me, that string that bonds us together is tightening around his heart as much as it is mine. I wonder if I should give in, like he’s starting to.
“Hey, stay here and you’ll be fine. I can handle him,” Noah says.
He doesn’t understand. Hell, I don’t, but I know I’m going to have to deal with whatever this pull is between us and either end it or embrace it.
Evan calls my name again and I glance back over my shoulder. I hadn’t noticed his un-tucked, wrinkled shirt, or his worn jeans. I hadn’t noticed that his hair is messier than usual or that his beard has grown since I saw him yesterday. And when we were staring into each other’s eyes mere minutes earlier, I hadn’t noticed that he’d been drinking, heavily. But as he stumbles towards me, the whole picture is much clearer. He’s a mess and drunk. The problem is that I’m not drunk enough to not notice these things about him now.
His chest presses against my side, his whole being intrusive. “Mallory, please. We need to talk,” he says, his voice but
a whisper.
“I don’t think you should talk to him while he’s wasted,” Noah says. His hand grasps my shoulder and squeezes.
“I don’t think you have a say in it, there, Nohea,” Evan strikes, his anger apparent in his tone. He takes a step back from me. “Oh, and by the way, interesting choice in gifts. Did Mallory tell you she died yesterday? I should fucking punch you for that.”
Reflexively, my hand touches the white bandage on my head. I look down feeling sorry for the guilt I know Noah feels. He’s apologized endlessly and he seemed relieved to know the board got destroyed, or so I told him. I just didn’t tell him how it got destroyed.
I look to Noah and then back to Evan, caught in the middle, and unsure of my next move. Zach comes up behind Evan, and takes him by the arm. “C’mon, dude. Not here and not now.”
Evan shrugs him off. “It’s cool. No scene.” He looks back at Noah and says, “Just give me a few minutes … alone.”
Noah shakes his head. “Ashford, you’re fucking trashed. You should leave.”
When Evan’s eyes come back to mine, his anger filters into pain as if I’ve stabbed him in the heart. Betrayal—that’s the look he gives me. His voice softens, and he asks, “May I speak with you, privately please?”
Stepping forward, without a word, I walk away from Noah, heading for the parking lot and out of everyone’s judgmental line of sight. Evan doesn’t say a word either, but I know he’s following me. When I reach his car which is parked in the shadows of the lot, I turn around. He’s still walking, head down, hands in pockets, broken.
As he nears, I gulp. I need to be strong, but around him I feel weak and vulnerable. He comes so close to me that our bodies are almost touching. My breath deepens as he leans forward and I lean back, away from him, my back hitting his car as his arms trap me in place. “Are you trying to scare me?” I sound bolder than I am.
“You know I would never hurt you,” he says, his breath hitting my face as he presses his body to mine. He smells of cigarettes, whiskey, and perfume, her perfume. My hands fly to his chest and I push him off. His hands grab my wrists, trying to still me.
“Let go of me. Your date is waiting.” I struggle to free myself.
“I’m not with her—”
“Well, she’s with you—”
“Don’t be silly. She’s a girl that thinks she’s with me. You and I both know better.”
“I don’t know anything about you, Evan.”
“You know I want you—”
“You want to fuck me and eventually throw me away just like every other girl that you come in contact with.”
He stares deep into my eyes and I detect a tinge of vulnerability. “If I wanted to do that, I would’ve, but here I am again.”
“I don’t know why you’re here. You never cared about me. It was all a game to you and I was just another fuck.”
“You’re breaking my heart, sweetheart,” he says, his words callous as he buries his real feelings like he’s so good at doing. But I can see through the façade.
“We’re even then.”
“Don’t tell me Mallory Wray got her feelings hurt? You’ve put on this whole tough girl act since you arrived on the island. Yet, to Kalei, you’re warm and fucking cozy. Well, you made your choice tonight, didn’t you?”
I stop struggling, shocked by how his words wound and yet make me want to defy everything he says. The tears that threatened seconds earlier dissolve as my anger takes over. Looking him dead in the eyes, I say, “I hate you, Evan. I hate you with all my heart.” Pure lies I pray I believe one day.
My hands are dropped. He releases them as if they’ll burn him if he holds them any longer. He laughs, but there’s no joy behind it as I move around him and start walking away. I stop when he says, “Hate, huh? Well, it looks like we’re back to square one, baby.”
My head hurts and my hand once again goes to the bandage covering my temple. The tears return. “I revealed my true emotions to you yesterday on the beach.” I look down at my bare feet, keeping my back to him, and say, “I didn’t make a choice because there was never one to make in my opinion. But tonight, it seems you’ve made it for me. I have had such strong feelings for you and yet … whatever, Evan, it doesn’t matter and … you’ve never made me laugh—”
“That’s what you want?” He comes stalking toward me. “What the hell! I’ve been killing myself trying to figure out how to win your heart when all I had to do was tell some lame jokes to amuse you.”
Allowing one last indulgence for us both, I rub my nose against his scruffy chin. Steadying myself, I whisper, “You’re going to regret having this conversation while you were drunk. You’re not going to remember some of the details, so take note, baby, because this is the moment I walk out of your life for good.”
Caught in a limbo for what feels like minutes, but is probably only seconds, we stare into each other’s eyes. He’s upset as reality slaps him across the face. “Please, don’t give up on me.”
Knowing I’ll give in if I hold his gaze any longer, I turn away. “I already have.” Gathering my gumption back together, I leave him there and return to the bonfire.
Noah offers me his drink. I take it and down the alcohol.
“Guess we need another round.” Noah signals his friend for two more.
I bum a cigarette from one of Noah’s friends and inhale deeply, impatient for the calm I know it will bring.
Luckily, I have another drink in my hand before I have time to regret my words to Evan. I take a few quick gulps then sip the rest.
“You want to talk about it?”
“Is there really anything to talk about?” I ask, unable to look at Noah. He’ll see through me and then I’ll break down and I just can’t have that happen right now, right here. I’ll save that for when I’m alone tonight.
“You know I don’t care for the guy, but it’s pretty obvious you do. As your friend, I’d tell you to stay away from him. He’s bad news, Mallory.”
I finally look up, and smirk. “What would you tell me if I wasn’t your friend?”
“I’d tell you to stay away from him because he’s bad news.”
I laugh, acknowledging the humor in his advice. “Yes, he is, but I can’t resist a wounded soul.”
“Some people are beyond repair. You’re fighting a losing battle.”
“Honestly, Noah, I don’t know if I’m fighting him or myself anymore. All I know is that I’m tired of fighting.”
I’m thankful Evan doesn’t stay at the party, but I’m also disappointed that he’s gone and worried since he drove drunk. I turn to look for Sunny, but sway, off-balance. Noah chuckles as he steadies me. “You okay?” he asks.
“I’m being stupid. I’m just drunk. Will you take me home?”
“Yeah, I think you’ve definitely had enough to drink.”
I fall asleep on the way back and am barely awake when Noah scoops me from his Jeep and carries me to the door. “Key?” he whispers.
Digging into my back pocket, I produce the front door key and he unlocks it easily while still holding me. He brings me inside and I direct him to the couch.
“You sleep on the couch?”
“Yep,” I answer, keeping my eyes closed.
He lays me down and kisses me on the back of the head as I snuggle into a tight ball burrowing into the cushions.
“Get some rest, and I’ll see you in a few days.”
Noah leaves and I lie there with my eyes closed drifting into unconsciousness.
The sound of light rain pattering against the glass door wakes me. Making my way to the bathroom, I notice Sunny isn’t home. I’m careful as I walk back to the couch hoping I don’t run into any furniture in the dark apartment. The time catches my eye—3:49 a.m.
I slide my skirt off and take my bra off, dropping them to the floor, preferring to sleep in just my soft T-shirt. Just as I start to lie back down, I see someone on the patio through the glass. I freeze as my heart races with fear.
My adrenaline spikes and my eyes adjust to the dark. I’m able to make out Evan’s profile slumped in the chair. I hesitate, although deep down, I want to see him. I may not like how he affects me, but I’m realizing that it’s not changing no matter how much I want it to. Walking over to the sliding glass door, I open it, and he stands slowly—sluggish. He’s wet from the rain and tired in appearance.
I reach my hand out to him, and he takes it reluctantly.
“I don’t want to hurt you anymore,” he says. He’s not able to look at me and I can hear the shame in his voice, and see it in his demeanor.
“Then don’t,” I whisper, pulling him inside.
18
Evan
“You said you hate me, Mallory.” She doesn’t throw words around carelessly, so those words were meant when she said them.
“I don’t hate you. I want to hate you, but I can’t,” she replies, looking down briefly.
I have to know if it’s too late. The knots in my stomach tighten, and I ask, “What about your heart?”
Her head jerks up, and there’s a conviction in her eyes. “My heart feels strongly about you, but it’s not hate that it feels.” She notices my clothes, and offers, “You’re dripping on the carpet. You want to take those off? I’ll put them in the dryer for you.”
I don’t have time to answer before she starts unbuttoning my shirt and taking it off. I reach down and pull off my jeans not embarrassed in the least to be standing in front of her in briefs. I’ve been too comfortable around her since I met her. There’s something about her that puts me at ease. She’s soothing to me like no one else.
“I have some boxer shorts you can borrow, if you like?”
My eyes never leave hers as I try to joke. “Are you trying to get me naked?”
She laughs which makes me smile. “How about I get those shorts?” She hurries over to a small dresser strangely positioned outside the bathroom and quickly finds the shorts. She tosses them to me maintaining a safe distance between us. I don’t like that she feels she needs to do that.