“I apologize, my darling,” Philip said, hugging her in return. His kiss landed between her eyes and he pressed his lips there for a few seconds before pulling away. “I am so sorry. Once again, it was both foolish and rude of me to act in the manner. Please forgive me.”
There was something bothering him.
Jane turned from him and placed her hand in the bowl to trace the white petals of the flower. There was no room in her heart to be cruel. “Of course I forgive you. I just don’t understand. Please tell me what I did to cause you to turn your back to me again,” Jane’s lower lips quivered.
“Once again, it was my foolish ignorance. Ah, Janie,” Philip said, sitting back down. “I fear that I cannot hide what I feel any longer and it terrifies me.”
“You? Terrified?” Jane blinked, sinking beside him on the cushions. “Nothing ever frightens you.”
“My dear girl,” he stroked the side her face, looking into her eyes. “This image you have of me is born of a fantasy. I fear just as much as any other man, just as I have flaws and weaknesses of the flesh. Do you recall the night before I left?”
“You took me to dine at that lovely restaurant that served Indian cuisine. The food was excellent and the wine superb.”
“As was the company. I was unable to distract myself from your beauty. Your face and your body called me to desires that I could not, in good faith, explore.”
“I’ve grown up, Philip,” Jane said seriously. “You cannot prevent that. We are to be married eventually and those are normal interests, are they not?”
“I struggle with these feelings, however. There is a conflict in me between the love I hold for you as a child and the love I feel for you as a woman.”
“You love me?”
“You know I love you.”
“But do you love me as a sister or as one betrothed?”
“I love you with every fiber of my being. I love you so deeply that part of me dies when I wake up in the morning and do not see you next to me in my bed.”
Jane contemplated his words, her attention again diverting to the floating blossom. “I love you, too. I’ve missed you,” she said quietly.
“Where did you get this flower?” Philip asked, watching her twirl it in a bowl. “It’s a lotus. They do not grow here this time of year.”
“An old woman gave it to me. What is wrong?”
“Nothing,” Philip said, his voice strained. “I just find it, well, curious. In India, the white lotus is the symbol of enlightenment.”
“Enlightenment?”
“Yes. It is said that it suffers to rise through the darkness of mud so that it may reach the surface and be kissed by the sun. A white lotus represents a pure body, mind and spirit, and pacification of one’s nature. It is very spiritual to many cultures.” Grief covered his features.
She knew him well enough to see his distress. He was homesick for a country that was not his own. She wisely changed the subject. For now.
“Will you brush my hair, Papa?” She turned her back to him as she had done many times in the past.
Philip accepted the hairbrush, balancing the handle in his hand for a moment, and then proceeded to brush her heavy auburn locks. “Janie? Where have you been this evening?”
Jane pulled away and turned to him, wrinkling her forehead in an innocent gesture. “I confess. I went to the Baths to visit my friend Nettie. She had been ill and we both felt that the warmth would do her well. I was not alone.”
Philip looked down at his ward with sternness. “Why do you insist on lying to me? I have given you everything you need to be happy, yet you still defy every instruction I place. The truth, Jane. Be up front with me.”
Jane felt her temper rise. “The truth? Very well! I went to the Baths to get away from this horrid house and find some laughter. How can I be happy when, once again, you abandoned me to my own devices! We used to spend so much time together and you left, again, without a proper good-bye. What do you expect of me?” Heartfelt tears escaped her eyes as the pain from the last year exposed itself. “You were the only real friend I have ever had and I thought you enjoyed being with me. I know your aunt forced you to commit to this engagement with me, and that you probably were contemplating taking the documents before a judge, but if you are seeing another…”
“There are no others. Only you,” Philip said softly. “I want to marry you. It is my heart’s greatest wish. I love you, Janie. Truly.”
“I don’t believe you,” Jane cried into her hands, surprised by her own sense of jealousy. Nettie was correct—she would scratch the eyes out of any woman she caught sniffing around his trousers! “All you have done is hurt me since I became an adult. Love does not do that to a person. I thought that when you asked me to keep calling you papa that things would grow better between us. I thought…” Her wracking sobs prevented her from saying anything more.
“Sit on my lap like you did when you were young and afraid of thunderstorms. Do you remember those times? Allow me to hold you.”
Jane sobbed, nodding. She permitted him to perch her upon his knee and leaned her shoulder against his broad chest. “Why did you leave me” Her voice was broken and tiny.
Philip sighed, stroking her still damp hair. “It is because I watched you become a beautiful woman right before my eyes and the feelings that stirred in me were quite improper.”
“They were?”
“I have taken up the role of both father and teacher to you for all those years and the degree of arousal I experienced was, well, uncomfortable. It felt wrong, given my position in your life, but I could not deny its existence. It was so great and caught me unprepared. I did not know what direction to take to spare both of us pain, so I acted foolishly.”
“Does that give you the excuse to run away every time I dress as a lady?” Her voice was bitter as she stiffened against his hold.
“Please do not think of me as a coward. I needed some distance between us to examine how I truly felt.”
“What else am I to think? You went to India. Not once, but twice since I became of age. Was that enough distance to put between us?”
“I wish to marry for love, not as a matter of convenience, nor do I feel it right to force you into a marriage that you might not desire. I needed to speak to someone who knew me and my needs; someone whom I could trust to be honest and blunt in his advice. Raja Rama chewed off both my ears and demanded I return to you immediately. As a gentleman, I cannot repeat the words he used to describe me,” Philip chuckled. “But I assure you that they were meant to make me feel like a senseless juvenile. I would have been home, with you, two months ago if not for the monsoons. I’ve missed you dreadfully and it took that drastic measure for me to accept how much I truly needed to have you by my side.”
“Your absence injured my heart,” Jane whispered. “This rejection was even greater than the first one a year ago because you broke a promise. It humiliated me. It left me feeling ugly and stupid.”
“I am so, so sorry. Janie,” Philip kissed her temple. “I love you. I’ve loved you since the very first time you handed that little frog to me and asked me to hide it where it would not get hurt. Do you remember that?”
“I do. I was afraid the gardener would crush it while trimming the hedges. I often felt that love when you took the time to tutor me. I also felt it when we would take my rabbit for a walk,” Jane said quietly. “When I lost her, I had nothing else to hold onto when I felt alone. It made me feel so sad and isolated, especially since I have no true friends here and the staff treats me as a nuisance requiring extra work. May I be honest?”
“Of course, darling. I need to know how you feel so that I don’t make the same mistakes.”
Jane drew in a deep breath. “I felt like you were punishing me for being here against your will. You were my knight in shining armor, Philip. I worshipped the ground that you walked on since I was old enough to notice you. In my eyes, you could do no wrong. Until you left me.”
“I know I am
a fool and I swear upon my life that I will make it up to you. You were brought to the manor because I wanted you, Janie. Except for my crazy old aunt, you are the only family I have. You belonged to me and no other, and I wanted to ensure that no one else had the chance to claim what was mine.”
“Claimed what was yours? Are you speaking of the company?” Jane clenched her teeth.
“No, my sweet. You. I just was not expecting my cheeky little girl to grow up and become a beautiful, quick-witted woman. It happened so suddenly that it frightened me. I’ve been able to control myself for nearly a year, but then when you appeared in that gown and your bosom…” Philip’s voice trailed off. “You know my words to be true, do you not?”
“I do, but your actions did not say any of this to me.”
“Have I destroyed all chance for our happiness?”
“No,” Jane sighed, watching as he held her hand and rubbed the back with his thumb. “It will just take time for me to be able to trust you again. The clergy says that we are to forgive seventy times seven.”
“I’m probably reaching close to that number, aren’t I?”
“Yes, you are. Do you,” she hesitated, “do you really love me?”
“Yes, I do.”
“As a woman or as a child?”
“As both. Because of that, I also fear that you would not be able to understand my needs.”
“How can I understand anything if you do not give me an opportunity to learn?”
“My little Lady Jane,” Philip cooed, taking her small hand in his and kissing her knuckles. “I wish to have you in all ways, but I am concerned that what I desire would not be of your choosing.”
“What is that you desire?”
Philip sighed and kissed her knuckles again. “Remember how I asked you to call me Papa and mind me as one in authority?”
“Yes.”
“I still wish that to continue. In private, of course. You are always so much calmer and sweet when you are in that mindset, and it allows me to nurture beyond the degree deemed appropriate in this society.”
“To bloody hell with this society. Our life has nothing to do with the opinion of either the queen or her court.”
“Please watch your language,” Philip requested. He hugged her closer to him. “I still want my little Jane when we are apart from the world. I want to live in the simpler times when you wore frocks and ran to your heart’s content in the gardens. I want to be apart from the requirements of high society and just be your papa again. Is that appealing to you?”
“Very much. The time that we engaged in that life-practice was very satisfying for me. You also know that I LOATHE fashion and all those layers of clothing. It is so restrictive.”
“So you were happy with being my little girl this last year?”
Jane looked at him with seriousness. “It was the happiest I have been in a long time. I would give anything to return to those days. I just wish…”
“Tell me.”
“That you not be afraid to awaken the woman inside of me. I don’t desire it to be out of duty…”
“I would never dishonor you like that,” Philip interrupted.
“I wish to experience sexual overtones, Philip,” Jane said boldly.
“As do I.” His face did not reveal if her words surprised him.
“How can that happen if you see no attraction in me, though?”
“My attraction for you brings so much discomfort that cannot be relieved, even in an ice bath,” Philip admitted.
“I want you to kiss me, Philip. As a man kisses a woman. Now.”
Philip looked into her eyes and reached forward with his left hand to touch her temple, absently pushing a few stray hairs behind her ear. He let his hand linger, caressing the bridge of her nose and down her cheek until he held her smooth flesh against the rough palm of his hand. Jane’s breath caught in her throat at his intensely intimate touch, feeling a stirring between her legs that was so different than she had experienced before. The flesh surrounding her hidden ring throbbed as he caressed her face, and she felt her lids grow heavy as passion thudded through her veins.
He slid his hand down her cheek and gently cupped her chin while touching her lips with his thumb. Jane’s lips parted as he traced a circle around them with his finger, slowly and gently grazing the surface. Jane allowed his finger to slide into her mouth, tasting him and tenderly sucking on the tip. Philip gently withdrew and held her face in his hand, pulling her to him. He brought his lips to touch hers for the very first time.
Her lower lip slipped briefly between his warm, soft ones and he gently sucked upon it before pulling back to look at her once again. He placed his large hand behind Jane’s neck, and pulled her roughly towards him, crushing her mouth to his with urgency and passion. He hungrily devoured her, holding nothing back as he kissed her, truly, as a man kissed a woman.
Jane lifted her fingertips to her mouth when he released her. Minutes passed before she could take in a solid breath.
There was no smugness upon Philip’s face. “Do you doubt me now?”
“No,” Jane whispered.
“Do you wish to proceed as we discussed?”
“Yes.” Her heart still pounded in her chest.
CHAPTER 5
Several minutes ticked by as they both absorbed what had happened between them. Philip rose to his feet and leaned his forearm upon the mantel, looking into the crackling flames.
“Do you remember the day that I spanked you for your disobedience after you climbed that tree and muddied your dress?” Philip asked, his demeanor becoming stern.
“Sorely, I do.”
“I have come to realize that I have neglected your discipline for too long. Should you agree to embark on this future with me, I will once again enact on those same measures.”
“Are you saying that you will continue to spank me?”
“Quite often, I’m afraid. And it will not be like the spankings that you have received to date.”
“I do not like being spanked,” Jane said, her voice starting to drift into a softer, young mode.
“I do not like punishing you either, but that is what I will require should we continue with the terms of our engagement. I will not have an errant wife or,” he reached across to gently tug her earlobe, “a naughty little girl. Will you agree?”
“I trust you to be fair,” Jane slapped at his hand. “I just do not care for the idea.”
“No child does,” Philip said with a slight laugh. “I want to take you with me on my journeys, but you must understand that discipline will be distributed whether it be here or any other house we choose to reside in.”
Jane’s head turned to look into his handsome face. “What other house?”
“I already told you that I hate this place,” Philip said. “I want to give the manor to Elsa and start afresh elsewhere. I have made arrangements for us to take a trip and explore some areas to live that will allow me to be closer to the company’s warehouses, and also devoid of much of society’s eyes.”
“Where would that be?” Jane asked, her heart sinking. She was not prepared to leave Epsom or the baths. “Please, not Africa. The stories of that country terrify me.”
“Don’t look so glum,” Philip said as he sat back down. “I promise it will be a place you will truly love and that you will have friends to share in your life. You will also have a freedom that you cannot enjoy here. I do insist that our destination remain a surprise until we arrive.”
“That is not fair! How can I prepare if I do not know where we are heading? Please?” Jane begged, her warm, brown eyes big and doe-like. She sat on his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck.
“Those eyes have always made my heart melt,” Philip chuckled, giving her lips a tender nip. “No, I will not reveal the surprise. I will tell you this much; I have enrolled you in a school that will teach you how to become the type of wife I desire.”
“I do not require a school! You can teach me. You have always be
en a very thorough mentor to me.”
“The only thing I can teach you beyond academics is direct obedience. A lesson that has been lost by the looks of your actions this evening.”
“It was not lost, just misplaced,” Jane shrugged. “You cannot expect me to behave when my heart is broken in a thousand little shards.”
“Was your decision to disobey me deliberate?”
Jane was silent. He knew damned well that she visited the baths out of pure defiance.
“Your silence announces your guilt, little one. How many times have you slipped notice of the staff and left for the baths or the pub?”
“I did not count,” Jane answered softly.
“Do you understand how much danger you invited for yourself, Jane? Every day, the papers speak of rape and murder in the streets. There is even a serial killer roaming the streets of London. I do not wish you to be a statistic.”
“Intrigue sells papers. You do not know that the stories are true.”
“Only one story needs to be true for me to fear for you. I’ve been told that you disappeared on the average at least two or three times a week, and that you’ve been attending the baths, pubs and private gatherings with people I do not know and likely would not approve of.”
“You have not been home to meet anyone,” Jane spoke back, pulling herself off his lap. “How did you expect me to entertain myself during your absence? Aunt Elsa initially took me to the baths because I was so devastated by your first rejection that I could not get out of bed. I returned there after your second rejection because I needed more to my life than waiting for you to return. The other activities were mere distractions to help the time go by.”
“Did Elsa give you permission to attend the baths without her or an escort?”
“No.”
“Answer me correctly, Jane.”
“No, sir, she did not.”
“Did she give her approval to go anytime you wished, at any time of the day?”
“No, sir,” Jane swallowed dryly.
Little Lady Jane Page 5