“Oh dear, is he still doing that?” The nurse looked down at Ren who was out cold.
Amy walked over to the door, opened it and stuck her head out. For a second I thought that she was leaving me and was about to scream at her when I heard her call out, “Tony, Parker. The pussy did it again.”
Parker walked through the door and headed in Ren’s direction, while Tony stayed standing at the doorway looking at me.
“I can’t do it,” he shook his head. “I can’t go through it again.”
“Get your ass over here,” Parker growled, taking Ren by the wrists.
“Please God, no!” He begged. “I can’t do it again. You don’t know the shit that I saw. It haunts me.”
Amy was never the most patient person that I’d ever met, and she’d reached the end of her patience now. Reaching up, she grabbed him by the ear and pulled him over to where Ren and Parker were.
“Get the lint licker off the floor and grow a pair of balls,” she hissed.
Moving quickly, Tony picked Ren’s feet up, and together he and Parker hoisted my soon to be dead husband onto the chair. As soon as he’d dropped Ren’s feet, Tony ran toward the door and disappeared out of it without a goodbye. Both of us watched in silence as Parker waved another alcohol swab under Ren’s nose, bringing him back around.
“What did I miss?” Ren asked, sounding spaced out.
“He’s lucky that I can’t move right now,” I informed the room.
Just then, the nurse came back with the stuff that was going to speed this up and Parker took the opportunity to sneak out of the door. That was a relief because it was bad enough having a doctor and a nurse stare at my hoohah, but Parker?
I lay back and let the nurse do her thing as she hooked me up to a new machine. I’m pretty sure that Isla had this when she had the twins, but I could be wrong. As the nurse walked back down to the bottom of the bed where she’d left some stuff on a table, it suddenly hit me that I was actually doing this. I was actually having a baby.
Seeing as how she was the closest to me, I reached out and grabbed Amy’s hand and yanked her toward me. “Please don’t leave me,” I begged. “I’m scared.”
“Hey, you’ve got me too you know,” Ren piped up from the corner, and Amy and I turned to glare at him at the same time.
“Don’t,” I snapped. “Just don’t!”
“Right, I’m going to move your legs into these stirrups, Maya.” The nurse said, dragging our attention away from the window licker in the corner. “Then, I’m going to make another hole for the amniotic fluid to come out from and hopefully that, along with the Pitocin, will speed your contractions up a bit.”
I could hear my heart beat racing on the machine as she held up a knitting needle. What the fuck was she going to do with that?
“I thought you said you were going in to make another hole?” Amy questioned.
“I am.”
“So why are you knitting?” Amy frowned in confusion, and I’m glad she asked because I’d been wondering the same thing. Before the nurse could answer her, Amy spun in my direction with her hands on her hips. “I thought I told you to look after your lady garden? Because you’ve got a fucking wilderness down there now, that poor woman is having to knit your pubes out of the way. A simple trim, Maya!”
I heard the nurse giggling as she ducked her head doing whatever. I was beginning to feel things again. Light, slight pains and pressure from whatever she was doing down at ground zero.
“I mean, what is she meant to do?” Amy was still ranting. “She’s probably knitting a fucking hammock to catch the poor little man in!”
“Ah, there we go,” the nurse interrupted. “That’s it all done.”
She placed the big metal meat hook on the table beside her, and that’s when I noticed that there was crap on her gloves. Apparently, Ren noticed at the same time, because he suddenly slumped over, out cold again.
“Kick him, kick him hard,” I turned to look at Amy and pointed in fuck head’s direction.
Within minutes he was awake again and I watched as he slowly and unsteadily got to his feet and then walked towards me. The epidural was definitely losing its magic now, and I could feel the contractions. The pain wasn’t overwhelming, but it did take my breath away slightly.
“There we go, it’s already working,” the nurse said as she cleared up the mess at the bottom of the bed. “How’s your pain level? On a scale of one to ten with one being a tiny bit sore and ten being the worst pain that you can imagine in your life?”
Right then, another one hit me and I yelled out, “A fucking seven. Eight! Oh shit, no, a nine.”
Nodding her head, she told us she would go and get the anesthesiologist to top up the epidural and would be back shortly.
Leaning my head back, I realized that I had grabbed Ren’s hand and had squeezed the shit out of it. Memories of what Isla did to Luke popped into my head, and I gave an evil smile. Game on!
“How do you feel, baby?” the mouth breather asked, as he wiped my face with the cloth that had been beside the bed.
“It hurts,” I was straining against the pain as another contraction hit.
That’s when the soon to be gelded asshole said the worst thing any man can say while a woman is in labor. “If I could take the pain for you I would, baby.”
Thankfully, the nurse walked in with doctor drug God who was carrying a syringe, but that didn’t stop me from what I had to say to my husband.
“You wish you could take the pain?”
Nodding vigorously, he pushed some hair behind my ear. “Of course. I hate you being in pain and not being able to do anything to help or take the pain away from you.”
An idea popped into my head, and I was going to make sure that this happened, come hell or high water. “I know, go into the hallway and let Amy take a couple of running kicks to your nuts. Full force blows right to the jewels. And then, then you’ll know some of the pain that I’m going through with your behemoth child that I have to squeeze out a hole this big,” I was shouting now, and lifted my hand to show him a tiny hole.
“Did you know that you can tear while you’re giving birth or that they might have to cut you?” Amy was back to reading the magazine. “This chick here said her baby literally tore her a new one. We’re talking hole to hole.”
As I looked at the anesthesiologist, who was currently pushing whatever was in the syringe into the tube in my spine, and then onto the nurse, Amy continued to read out the gory details of this woman’s twat getting torn to shreds like some sort of Jurassic Park victim. Apparently, and unsurprisingly, Ren couldn’t take it, because he jumped up and went running into the bathroom and then treated us to the beautiful sounds of a T-Rex emptying the contents of its stomach.
“I wonder if you’ll need to get your twat sewn up?” Amy said, still reading the fucking article. “I mean, they did say that the baby was the size of a Sumo, didn't they?”
Panicking, I picked up my phone and rang my sister. When she didn’t answer the first time, I tried again, and again. After twelve missed calls I left her a message.
“Lucy, Amy says that women rip when they give birth. Please call me back and tell her that she’s wrong and that I’m not going to have a vagina that resembles Jabba-the-Hut.” Hanging up, I rang Isla who’d gone home with the twins.
“Have you had him yet?” she answered. I could hear Dewi and Kali crying in the background and Luke shouting about shit being in Kali’s hair. After witnessing Cole getting sprayed with the stuff, I had to admit that I doubted my ability to handle that side of parenting. “Hello?” Isla asked, snapping me out of the shit covered nightmares that had been going through my head.
“Did you end up with a new vagina hole?” It all came out in a rush.
“Uh, what?”
“A new vagina hole. Amy says that this chick’s baby literally ripped her hole to hole and well, I’m giving birth to a two hundred pound beast and you had
two babies.” I wasn’t even making sense to myself now, but I needed the answer to this.
“No honey, I didn’t,” Isla said, obviously laughing. What was so funny about the state of my vagina I didn’t know. “There were grazes, though.”
“Grazes? What the fuck are those?” What did she do? Fall on her fud while she was giving birth?
“Like little scratches and stuff. It’s normal.”
“Okay, scratches I can take. So, Amy’s wrong, and all they do is just give you like vagina paper cut type things, right?”
At that moment Ren walked out of the bathroom, and at hearing about poonani paper cuts he went pale again and looked back toward the door that he’d just come out of.
“I will hurt you,” I growled at him.
“Uh no,” Isla said in my ear, drawing my attention back to the phone. “One of the mothers at the baby group said that her baby tore her to the point it was almost one big hole from her hoohah to her pooper. It was pretty horrible from what I hear.”
One thing I’d noticed was that since the twins had been born, we’d all cut back on our swearing, but hearing the word pooper and the graphic image that went with it… I didn’t stop to say goodbye, I just hung up the phone and stared at Ren.
“I feel much better, baby,” the asshole who got me in this situation said walking up to me with a smile on his face. I almost hated to do it, but I was feeling malicious, and it was his dick that knocked me up.
“Amy says women rip when they give birth and Isla knows someone at a mommy group who ripped from her bajingo to her ass hole,” he went gray and started swaying in front of me. “I’m going to have a vagina the size of the Death Star.”
I heard Amy sigh and walk towards the door. Just as she opened it and called out to Cole and Tony for help with Ren, he passed out…again. Maybe it was nasty, but I’ll repeat - it was his dick that got me into trouble. And it was my vagina that was going to be like the Grand Canyon.
“Again?” Cole asked as he walked into the room followed by a hesitant looking Tony.
“Maya told him about women ripping during labor and compared her vagina to the Death Star. She may have also told him the story about a lady ripping from hole to hole,” Amy filled him in.
Cole froze and turned to stare at me while Tony started making gagging noises. At this precise moment in time, I hated men with a passion and these two assholes were in the line of fire.
“Yeah, now when she’s on a swing it’s like something out of a horror movie. Did you ever see that movie from like the 80’s called Deepstar Six with the big creature in the sea that when it shoots up from the seabed is all,” I opened my arms and made a huge snapping motion with them. “Or in Star Wars when they’re in the desert, and there’s that thing in the sand with the big teeth? That’s going to be my lady lips.”
Cole joined his brother out cold on the floor as Tony shoved Amy out of the way and ran toward the door, almost knocking Ebru off her feet as she tried to enter the room.
“Get out of my way!” He screamed, and then yelled for whoever had a key to lock the door.
“What did I miss?” Ebru asked, looking at the Twatsends lying next to each other on the floor.
Sighing, Amy took over the story while I lay there glaring at them. I would get revenge on both of them.
Four hours later…
“Why won’t it just come out?” I whined to the doctor who was currently neck deep in my jay jay.
“The baby’s head is just stuck slightly on your pelvis, so I’m turning it and then we’ll use the forceps to help bring him out into the world,” the doctor explained.
“Oooo, you gonna have a crater cooch by the time this is over,” Amy snorted from beside me.
Without taking my eyes off of my current view of the ceiling above me, I reached out and pinched as hard as I could when I felt Amy’s arm.
“What the fuck?” She wailed. “You pinched my tit!”
I refused to feel any remorse. “Just so you know,” I growled. “The second I can feel my legs again, I’m going to shove that magazine so far up your ass that you’ll be shitting confetti for the rest of your…”
“What did I miss?” The pathetic pussy whom I’d stupidly married said from his chair, where he’d been out cold for the last thirty minutes. Even the doctor turned around to glare at him. We’d been discussing his inability to stay conscious not long ago, and she said she’d never seen anything like it. Parker had even tried to convince Ren to leave the room until after the baby had been born, but Ren had refused and then promptly passed out again.
“Stay down you pussy assed sonuvabitch,” I growled.
Looking at all of the glaring women, he swallowed audibly and then slowly stood up and stretched; trying to act like his balls weren’t clearly endangered. Walking towards us, he changed directions when he saw the nurse and Amy standing on the side of the bed closest to him, and went to walk around the bottom of the bed. “I feel much better. I really think I’ll be okay for the rest of th…” he chose that minute to look at whatever the doctor was doing and it was lights out again. This time, his head smacked off the floor just as Cole opened the door and hit him in the head again.
“What the…again?” he said in disbelief, before sighing and shouting for Tony to help him.
Tony walked in just as the doctor moved away from ground zero, catching an eyeful of yet another vagina and swiftly turned around and ran back out again. Cole had wisely put a hand over his eyes and grabbed his brother’s shirt and started heaving him out of the door this time.
After it had shut behind him, the doctor turned around and gave me the news I’d been dreading. “So Maya, it’s time to start pushing. I’m going to put the forceps around baby’s head, and then when I tell you to push, I’ll pull, and we’ll have a baby here in no time. Are you ready?”
She held up the forceps, and they were fucking huge. Turning to look at Amy, who was staring at them in horror too, I whimpered, “I’m going to inhale people as I walk past them, Ames. My vajayjay will never be the same.”
She said nothing, just swayed when the doctor ducked back down and disappeared again. “Right Maya, you might feel a little bit of pressure…”
I reached out to grab Amy’s hand, but she kept dodging me. “Give me your damn hand, Amy,” I kept trying to grab it.
She finally gave in and at that moment I felt exactly what the doctor was doing and squeezed hard out of reflex, and her screams joined mine.
“I’ll go and get Daddy,” the nurse said, passing my little bundle to me. I looked down and took in every detail of the tiny face peaking out from the blanket. I couldn’t believe that I was a mom. It didn’t seem real that this beautiful little being was mine. Well, little-ish. Apparently, Ren’s turbo sized baby weighed nine pounds and three ounces.
“What do you think he’s going to do?” Amy asked, nursing her bandaged hand. It was just a sprain, she’d gotten off luckier than Luke.
I was saved from answering her by a pale and shaky Ren walking into the room. The doctor had suggested that they get everything cleared up before the pussy came back in because it was taking up time bringing him back round again. We were also worried that after the last conk to the noggin that he might actually cause himself a real injury, so it was best all round.
“Is that him?” He whispered, walking up to the side of the bed and staring down at our baby.
“No, we swapped yours for a cute one from the nursery,” Amy said sarcastically. She had good reason to be pissed at him seeing as, technically, it should have been his hand that was currently black and blue, not hers.
Obviously Captain Slow was still somewhat dazed and confused because he looked down at me in horror.
“Really, Ren?” I glared at him.
“Hey, can I be the one to break the good news to him?” Amy asked with an evil grin on her face. “I really think that given the state of my hand that I have a right to.”
“I squeezed his Orca spawn out of my cooter Amy, I think I have a bigger right.” No way was she taking this away from me.
“How about we both tell him on the count of three?” She suggested.
Nodding my head, I started the countdown. “One…two…”
“It’s a girl!” she screamed and then ran out of the room laughing her ass off. If it hadn’t been for the newborn baby in my arms at that moment, I would have cursed her ass to hell and back.
“What are we naming him?” Ren said, obviously not believing what Amy had told him.
“Her.”
“Maya,” he sounded exasperated now. “Stop messing around. We need to think of a name for our son.” He sat on the edge of the bed and stroked his finger down the side of her face.
“It’s a girl, Mr. Townsend,” the nurse confirmed as she brought in a little pink cap to put on top of munchkin’s head.
Looking down at our baby in horror, Ren stood up and started shaking his head. I wonder if this was what Isla went through when Dewi was born?
“But she had a penis! The sonographer said that she had a penis. Only boys have those. That means my daughter has a penis. Oh, my God, my newborn baby has gender identity issues!” He stood with the palms of his hands pressed against his forehead. “You…” he pointed at me. “You said it was a boy too.” He was pacing back and forth by this point. “I demand that you check again.” He said spinning around to face the nurse who just shrugged in response and walked over to pick up the snoozing baby and then lay her on the bed carefully. Unwrapping the blanket, she gestured Ren over and undid Baby Townsend’s diaper and stood back for Ren to look for himself.
Straightening suddenly, he turned to glare at me with his arms crossed across his chest. “You did this on purpose…”
Amy
Leaving Maya with the asshole, I started walking towards the group waiting to see baby girl Townsend. My hand was throbbing, and I was exhausted after it all and just wanted to get back to Layla’s house and pass out for a couple of hours, or maybe days. I wasn’t going to ruin Ren and Maya’s surprise, so I kept my answers general.
Until Forever (Providence Series Book 3) Page 8