by Eva Luxe
The truth was, I wasn’t. That was the last thing that I had been looking forward to: getting back to the same, chaotic life that I had left behind when I boarded the plane in the first place. That was one main reason why I had been so bent on staying in that imaginary bubble with Dana.
Somehow, I thought that if I never left that cabin, I would never have to face the fact that I was a lonely man with a daughter who was making my life feel out of control. I was tired of being the guy who made everyone else’s lives work seamlessly while my personal life was pitiful, at best. I greedily snatched up my corner of happiness, if only for a moment. And then, watched it slip through my fingers like water.
“Your mother is here,” continued James.
I winced. I hadn’t talked to my mother in weeks. I had been avoiding her calls because I was still trying to figure out what I was going to do about Olivia and she had been pressing me to make a decision.
As soon as I stepped off the plane, I saw her standing next to my limo, arms folded and her foot tapping. I knew that this was not going to be the warm welcome that I might have hoped for.
“Well, well, well. If it isn’t my long-lost son,” came her icy words.
“Hello, mother,” I said cheerily, landing a quick peck on her bony cheek.
“Don’t try to butter me up, Kurt Francis Roberts,” she said. “If your assistant hadn’t have let it slip that you were landing here today and I hadn’t talked to my granddaughter, you would still be trying to avoid me. Like I’m the worst mother in the world or something.”
“No, mother, it’s not like that at all…”
Putting up her hand to silence me, she said, “Save it.” I just wanted to make sure that you are OK. Olivia has been calling quite frantically, worried to death about you. Do you know how it feels to have your granddaughter be the person to tell you that your only child has been in a plane crash? Don’t you think that that should have been news that you called to tell me yourself?” She began to weep. It was the first time in many years that I had ever seen my mother get so emotional. She has always been a pillar of reason and strength. Seeing her break down made me realize just how upset she had been.
“I’m so sorry, mother. I should have told you. But, there was so much going on and I didn’t want you to be worried. And my plane didn’t crash. We had engine failure and landed the plane just fine. I’ve basically been on vacation for the past few days. See? No harm done.” I smiled as brightly as I could, extending my arms to her welcoming a hug.
SLAP!
I stepped back, holding my stinging face. My mother had never slapped me. I was shocked and hurt at the same time. I stammered, trying to find some way to respond, but the words didn’t come to me.
“I came here for Olivia, not you. You have made it clear that you do not want me in your life and I have come to accept that, as hurtful as it is. But, I will not let you ruin the life of my granddaughter because of your selfishness.”
I was confused for a moment.
“Wait. But I have been calling the nanny every day to check on Olivia and she said that she’s been doing fine. In fact, she made it seem like things were going better than usual.”
My mother seemed to find her calm by taking a deep breath before continuing.
“Yes, she has been on her very best behavior, Kurt,” she said, evenly. The nanny that you hired to care for her does an amazing job with her. I would wager to bet that whatever you are paying her, you should double her salary. I know that my Olivia can be a handful and she is certainly no angel. But that’s not what’s concerning me…” She began wringing her bony hands and I noticed that they were more wrinkled and aged than I’d remembered. She was shifting around, like she was trying to find the words to say.
“What is it, mother?” I asked, beginning to worry.
“Olivia begged me to bring her here to see you today. But, after seeing how upset she was, I thought that it would be best for me to come alone so that you and I could have a real heart-to-heart first. Son, she blames herself for your plane crash. Or engine failure. Or being downed by the blizzard. Whatever it was. In her mind, she believes that she is the reason that the plane went down. She believes that because she has been very angry with you, this all happened. And now, she is carrying around so much guilt. I just wanted to prepare you for what you will be walking into going home. Olivia is not the same Olivia that you remember when you left. She is a very different child now with a new set of needs.”
I started to panic. I already felt overwhelmed by how Olivia had been behaving before. Now, there was a new set of issues to manage?
Burying my face in my hands, I confessed, “I have no idea what I’m doing. I keep thinking that I’m doing the right thing by her, but it seems like no matter what I do, things just seem to get worse and worse.”
I gulped hard and braced myself for the last of my confession.
“I think that it might be a good idea for you to raise Olivia.”
I didn’t even want to look up to see the satisfied smirk on her face that I knew was there. I’d finally given her what she had been badgering me for all this time, since almost the moment that my wife had walked out of the door.
“No.”
I looked up at her, confused.
“But, this is what you wanted. This is what you have been asking for from me since I can remember. How can you say no?”
It was her turn to sigh.
“Kurt, son, I was wrong to ask that of you. I was only really thinking of myself. I just saw how devastated that you were by everything and I wanted to be the one to swoop in and make it all better. But, now, after seeing how Olivia has been affected by your absence, I realize that I would be hurting her in the long run. And you.”
“How would you be hurting ME? You would be helping me!”
Shaking her head profusely, she responded, “No, Kurt. I would be stunting your growth as a man and father. As favorable of a life as you have always had, this is a lesson for you to learn that life does not always deal us the hand that we want. Sometimes, it deals us the hand that we need to be the best version of ourselves possible. You may have been able to do incredible things in business. You have saved the company from collapse on many occasions and have made the impossible look like a cake walk. I believe that you are an incredible father and you have everything inside of you to come out of this situation as a winner. I would be foolish and selfish to step in and take this opportunity for growth away from you.”
I didn’t quite agree with her and I didn’t share her confidence, but it meant a lot that she believed in me so much.
We sat and caught up for a little bit more and she opened up more to me than she ever had in her life. I began to look at my mother differently. In that moment, she became more than just my mother; she became my friend.
“Well, son, it’s time to go home,” she said after some time. She held onto my hand as she gave the driver instructions to head toward my house. Even though I didn’t quite know what to expect when I got there, I didn’t feel the same level of anxiety that I had been feeling before. In fact, I felt somewhat calm as we drove, the familiar sights welcoming me back and lifting my spirits.
As soon as we pulled into the driveway, the front door burst open and my daughter came running to the limo before it could even come to a full stop.
“Daddy!” wailed Olivia, loudly. I stepped out of the car and she threw her small arms around me, burying her face in my shirt. I could hear her muffled cries and felt her tears soaking through my shirt.
“Olivia, honey, it’s OK. I’m here. Everything will be fine.”
“Daddy, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” She apologized over and over.
Chuckling, I said, “Honey, there’s nothing to be sorry about. This was all an accident, one that we can put behind us and get back to our happy lives.”
“But, it is my fault! I have done nothing but made your life miserable. I even started hating you. I hated you so much that I wished that s
omething bad would happen to your plane. And it really did. I am so sorry. I hope that you can forgive me.” She collapsed in tears again.
Pulling her into my arms, I said, “It’s OK. It’s OK. I understand. I know it hasn’t been easy for you to deal with all the changes that have been going on. But, things will get better. I’ll make sure of it. You’ll see.”
Her crying slowed to a few sniffles. She looked up at me, searching my face. I looked back and saw my little girl, the little girl that I had remembered bringing home from the hospital. Maybe the unexpected events of the last few days hadn’t been for nothing after all.
“Let’s go inside,” said my mother. Until she spoke, I’d almost forgotten that she was even standing there.
Olivia clung to me, making me carry her up the steps and through the doorway. It was as if she thought that letting me go would make me disappear. The nanny stood in the foyer, looking on at us, beaming proudly. If I wasn’t mistaken, I could have sworn that I saw her wipe away a tear. She quickly dismissed herself and left Olivia, my mother, and I alone.
My mother had tea drawn and brought to us in the sitting room.
“Daddy, I have so much to tell you! You are going to be so proud of me. I got all A’s on my tests in every subject this week in school and the teachers and principal said that I’m a shoe-in to win the Most Improved Student award.” She stuck out her chest and smiled, eagerly awaiting my response.
“That is so great, sweet pea! I knew that you had it in you. You keep this up, we’ll have to call Oprah and her team to stop by to get an interview with you. I can see the headline now: Student Motivates the World.”
“Oh, Dad!” said Olivia, blushing. I laughed and so did my mother, slapping at my hand, playfully.
“Your father teases, honey, but I just want you to know that we are all really proud of you. This has not been an easy road for you. For either of you. But I know that if you continue to love each other and be there for each other, everything will be just fine.”
Olivia told me more about what she has been doing for the last few days that I had been gone and seemed sincerely interested in what I had to say about what I had been doing. I made it seem like it had been a boring vacation so that she didn’t feel like she missed out, but I promised that she and I would sit down and plan a vacation for the just the two of us before going to bed that night.
Our conversation ended abruptly when she got a call from one of her school friends. She ran off excitedly, taking the call in her room. It put my heart at ease to see her so happy and made me feel even better to think that I could have possibly been part of the reason for her joy.
“Well done, son,” said my mother, coming over to hug me. She held me so tightly. I felt like everything really would be alright.
“I will make you proud of me, mom. I know that I haven’t been much of a dad lately. But all of that changes now. I am going to be the best dad to Olivia that I can possibly be.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
“And to think: all it took was a little slap back to reality.”
I winked at her and chuckled, putting my hands up in fake defense and begging her not to hit me again.
“I’m sorry, son, but it was needed. I’m glad it helped.” She smiled sheepishly. She said her goodbyes and headed home.
I sat down in my chair, reeling from everything.
So, this is life, I thought. Here I had been afraid to face reality, thinking that I would be walking into a disaster, yet things turned out better than I ever could have imagined.
My mind went back to Dana. Even though things had turned sour between us so quickly, seeing how well things had smoothed over between Olivia and I gave me hope that maybe things wouldn’t be as bad as I thought that they might be.
At any rate, I felt more prepared to face that reality, no matter what the outcome might be. Plus, I had a really good idea of how I might have a chance at things working out for all of us and I had Olivia to thank for that.
I took a deep breath, pulled out my cell phone, and dialed.
Chapter 18 – Dana
Waking up in my own bed was a great feeling, one that I didn’t realize quite how much I had missed. But, as good as it felt, I had to admit that I felt a pang of something else. Was it loss? Regret? I wasn’t exactly sure, but it was such an unsettling feeling that it made me bolt out of bed at 6 a.m. and go for a run to try to clear my head. I hoped that listening to my power playlist on my iPod would help to shake the feeling and get the thoughts out of my head, but no such luck.
I just kept thinking about Kurt and everything that had happened over the course of the last few days. I ran as fast as I could, trying to outrun the thought that was bearing down on me no matter how hard I tried to escape it. Kurt had been one of the best things that had happened to me and I blew it.
No matter how much I tried to justify the way that I had acted toward him, insisting that his withholding the information about the plane from me was the ultimate form of betrayal, deep down I knew that that simply wasn’t true. The faster I ran, the more I began to wish that I had a time machine and could go back to the beginning of that flight with Kurt. I would have ignored the feelings that were brewing up inside of me and just stuck with my professionalism.
When we landed the plane, I would have taken my place with the staff and waited at the airplane hangar until the plane had been fixed. I would have done everything in my power to make sure that no lines would have been crossed. I became blinded by tears as the regret crept up, threatening to choke out any semblance of joy that I could have had.
I felt like I was in mourning. I was mourning the loss of what could have been a beautiful relationship. I mourned the loss that I felt for my career. I was convinced that I would find a new job somewhere. I had too much experience and I was driven by the fact that I would have to do something to continue caring for my son.
But, this was the opportunity of a lifetime, in more ways than one and I had thrown it all away on the hopes that I would find love. And now, I had nothing, not a job or love.
About half a mile away from home, I slowed to a walk. I felt like my lungs were on fire and I was gasping for breath. I needed some time to gather my thoughts before walking into the house.
I was going to tell my parents the bad news about my job and hope that they wouldn’t ask about the details. I wanted to be honest with them, but I wasn’t prepared to give them all of the details just yet.
Just as I was rounding the corner and our house came into view, the sun was beginning to peak up over the horizon. The brightness beamed down on me, giving me a glimmer of hope that the day might actually turn out OK. I hoped for my sake that, that feeling was right.
I walked through the front door and found my mother already busying herself in the kitchen.
“Good morning, dear,” she sang out, smiling warmly in my direction.
“Good morning, mom,” I said, sliding onto a stool that sat beneath the breakfast nook, giving me a front row seat to her daily morning dance of preparing a hot and nutritious breakfast. She flew around the kitchen with ease, laying all the ingredients that she needed out on the counter in front of her. She hummed happily as she moved, focusing on the task at hand.
I figured that this was as good of a time as any to break the news to her about my having lost my job. The sooner that I admitted the truth, the better. I knew that my mother was already expecting something and I felt guilty leaving her in suspense.
“Hey, mom? Can we talk for a minute?”
She stopped mid-step with a carton of eggs in her hand. She turned to look at me, trying to read my face, and placed them gently on the counter with the rest of the ingredients that would make up our morning breakfast.
“What’s the matter, honey?” asked my mother, walking over to where I sat at the breakfast nook and she placed both of her hands on top of mine.
“I think that I lost my job.” The words hung in the air like a toxic cloud. There. I had said it
. I stared at the speckled marble granite of the countertop, afraid to look up and see hurt or disappointment in my mother’s eyes.
“What happened?” came her calm, even voice. I hadn’t been prepared for that part of the question, but I guess that I should have expected her to want some sort of explanation. So, I did what I thought was best to do in that moment. I lied.
“When everything happened with the plane, I think that I may have overreacted. I felt like my whole life had flashed before my eyes and I panicked. I became emotional and lost my cool. I said some harsh things to my boss that I wish now I could take back, but I can’t. When it was time for us to come back home, I could tell that things had soured. Now, I’m just waiting for them to give me the official word that they are going to fire me.”
“I see,” was all that my mother said. I found the courage to look up and saw a faraway gaze in her eyes and her lips were pursed the way that they were when she was trying to figure something out. After a few minutes, she started to speak again.
“So, you weren’t officially fired, then?”
“Well, no, but that’s just a minor technicality. Trust me, if you had been there, you would understand why I am convinced that I am going to be fired.”
“I don’t really know everything that happened, but the fact is, you haven’t actually been fired. And until that happens, if it even does happen, you need to stay positive. What you went through in the past few days was traumatic and unexpected, so maybe your boss may understand that more than you think.”
I appreciated my mother for her optimism. It was one of my favorite things about her. Unfortunately, in this situation, though, I just didn’t share her sunny outlook. And maybe if she knew the real details of what had happened, she wouldn’t feel that way, either. But, again, I wasn’t prepared to share any more news than I already had. If she could be positive about something that I considered to be heartbreaking news, I wasn’t about to be the one to take that away from her.
Putting her hand under my chin and lifting my head so that our eyes met, she continued, “And, besides, if he can’t see how wonderful you are, he doesn’t deserve to have you, anyway.”