by Marian Tee
Breathe for me.
I close my eyes – and the words turn into something else, something that’s always been there but I somehow stopped seeing. They flirt with the edge of my consciousness, but with the night-shift doctor finally coming in, there’s no time to think about it, and the rest that follows is a blur. The doctor and the police ask me questions, and I think I answer coherently enough even though it feels like it’s not me talking to them. It’s as if a part of me started floating again, a silent, detached observer of what’s happening around me.
When Seiji and Momo suddenly show up, it’s almost like watching a movie as they converge on me. Seiji says they’ll drive me home while his girlfriend wraps a thick shawl around my shaking shoulders. I hear myself stammering, and it still doesn’t feel like I’m the one talking.
Thank you for coming. But how did you know---
Yuki called us.
His name makes my body jolt, but when I start to turn to look for him, Momo shakes her head, saying softly, He’s gone.
The ride home is quiet. I lean my head against the windowpane, watching blindly as Shinjuku streaks past me in a dazzling array of colors. It’s kind of like New York with its bright lights and insomniac hum, but for once it fails to enthrall me. All I can think of is Yuki’s words---
Breathe for me.
I close my eyes.
Breathe for me.
His words come back to me loud and clear, but my heart insists it’s hearing something else.
Breathe for me.
It’s only when I make it home and I’m alone in the darkness that the words gain painful clarity, and it hits me---
What my heart’s been telling me it heard---
What Yuki was really saying when he was holding me so tightly in his arms---
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
And it’s enough to make me weep.
Word of the Day: Suki, n
A Japanese term that conveys a feeling of liking, romantically and non-romantically
The prefix ‘dai’ works as an intensifier when added to the word. (E.g. Daisuki desu translates to I really like it.)
The security pad lets out a beep before the heavy doors of the Himuras’ home open. Although I got the password from Yuki himself, I still can’t help feeling like a burglar as I let myself inside, unannounced and uninvited.
Relax, KC, I tell myself. It’s not like you’re here to steal anything.
Well, okaaaaay – if I have to, I’m determined to steal Yuki’s heart back. But I’m hoping it won’t come to that.
Because he loves me, so…whatever this is about, we’ll work through it. We’ve always worked through things, and this time won’t be different.
It won’t, no matter if my gut instincts say otherwise.
“Yuki?” I start checking the rooms one by one. “Anyone home?” But my voice only bounces against the walls. The entire floor is empty, and I pause by the foot of the stairs, wondering if what I’m about to do can be considered obsessive or borderline stalking even.
But ---
I’m his girlfriend. Isn’t it my right to check up on him? It’s been a couple of days since we last talked, and over two weeks since we last saw each other, and I did…THAT…for him.
Not that it should mean anything. I mean, I know Yuki. He loves me. He really does. He wouldn’t throw me away just because I’ve given him a blowjob and he’s become tired of me after it.
Right?
My fingers tighten around the handrail.
Everything’s going to be okay, KC.
You’ll see.
I chant the words to myself as I climb the steps, and when I see the trail of clothes starting on the second floor---
I scream the words in my mind.
And when I see the bra on the third floor, where Yuki’s room and no other room is---
The words turn into sobs.
Everything’s going to be okay, KC.
Everything’s going to be okay, KC.
Everything’s going to be okay, KC.
I open the door.
A girl is lying on Yuki’s bed, with just her shirt pushed up to her neck, exposing her breasts…and everything else. Her legs are dangling on the edges of the bed, and between them is Yuki’s head.
He’s pleasuring her…exactly the way he’s gone down on me so many times before.
The girl’s head turns towards me, and she smiles. “It’s just you.”
My mind becomes hazy, but a vague memory starts to form. Before we started dating, Yuki once told me that he only went out with girls who had boyfriends because they didn’t expect anything from them. The one before me, he had almost slipped and told me her name---
El…
That was my only clue, and I remembered thinking if it could be Elle…or Eleanor –
But now I realize it’s “El” for Elizabeth.
Elizabeth as in Liz, the snotty bitch whom my friend Jace had been going out with for years.
“Why are you still standing there? Can’t you see we’re busy?” Liz rolls her eyes. “And shut the door behind you, will you?”
And all through this, Yuki doesn’t even stop eating her.
“Sorry for calling you out of the blue, Lace.” It’s a little past midnight, and I’m curled up in the balcony, with only the faint glow of the moon to keep me company. Vivi, left shaken when she learned of what happened at the goukon, had offered to stay with me, but I refused her as politely as I could.
I need to be alone.
But I also need to talk to someone before I go out of my mind.
Swallowing hard, I ask uncertainly, “Are you sure you’re not busy?”
“I only have a date with Silver, but that’s not until tonight.” She pauses. “Has something happened?”
Despite everything, I can’t help smiling a little at how intuitive my friend is. Although Lace is as tomboyish as they go, she’s also one of the most sensitive people I know. She rarely needs words to figure out things---
“Something happened,” Lace says.
Like I said: sensitive.
“It’s Yuki,” I choke out.
I hear Lace suck in her breath from the other end of the line. “You talked to him?”
I choke and laugh. “That’s the thing…” My throat tightens and I need to force the words out. “He doesn’t even…” My eyes start to sting, and I squeeze them shut. “I’m sorry. I know I’m not making sense, and I know I shouldn’t be bothering you about this, but I’m scared of what I’d do if I don’t---”
“Listen to me. You’re right to call me. You’re my best friend. I demand that you call me the moment something’s wrong. Got that?” Lace is using her tough-as-nails-voice with me. She uses it all the time with her boys – or rather, the guys in the basketball team she’s coaching. But she only uses it with me when she’s hurting for me ---
And I love her for it, but God help me, I’m sick of this, too.
“I don’t want you to worry about me again,” I whisper brokenly.
“Oh, Kace.”
I tell her haltingly about what went down at the goukon and by the time I’m done, Lace must have sworn to kill the fucking son of a bitch about fifty times. Maybe sixty, but who’s counting?
“And you’re absolutely sure you’re fine and you don’t need to stay at a hospital?”
“I am. I promise.”
“Who took you home?”
“A couple I know from school came to pick up.”
“Thank God.” But anxiety still underscores Lace’s voice. “You’re really sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, but Lace…” My teeth sink into my lower lip, deeper and deeper until I start to draw blood. It hurts, but somehow it’s not enough. I need to be punished some more, for causing so much trouble to people around me. And now, it’s starting again---
Yuki. Vivi. Seiji. Momo. Even Nina---
“KC?”
And now, even though she’s ha
lfway across the world, Lace’s worried, too.
“I’m so weak,” I choke out. “Why am I always---”
“Stop that.” Lace’s voice is sharp. “You were accosted, almost raped. Of course you’d be shaken---”
“But I l-let myself get drunk.”
“It’s a goukon, for heaven’s sake. Everyone’s supposed to get drunk, and so what if you are? Just because you’re drunk doesn’t mean you’re inviting anyone to rape you---”
“I j-just hate the way I keep making everyone worry about me.”
“Making other people worry doesn’t mean you’re weak. You’re not an idiot. Deep inside, you know that. You know. When other people worry you, it only means they care for you.”
“Yuki doesn’t.” The words are out before I can stop myself.
Silence.
God, I’m so pathetic.
“Actually…” Lace’s voice is odd. “He does.”
I stare at my phone. Was that a joke? Or have I unknowingly fallen into some kind of Twilight Zone where all things that should be are the opposite?
“KC?”
“Y-yeah?”
“You heard me, didn’t you?”
“I did.” My tone is numb. “I just didn’t think you’d joke about something like that.”
“It’s not a---”
“He cheated on me,” I cry out. “Have you forgotten that?”
“No.” Lace’s tone was quiet. “Of course I haven’t. But you don’t know all there is to it. When you came back home, didn’t you think it was a little too coincidental that your parents just happened to be there and they didn’t bother asking you too many questions when you told them you and Yuki have broken up for good?”
“They knew it would hurt me too much to talk about it---”
“No, KC.” Lace’s voice is flat. “It’s not that.”
I close my eyes.
“And if you really let yourself think about it---”
I see myself in my mind, a pale, shaking mess as I stumble back to our place, my parents jerking to their feet. Honey, what happened? You look like you’re in shock.
“He set the whole thing up,” Lace whispers.
I see myself sobbing in my mom’s arms. It’s Yuki, Mom. We’ve broken up.
“As soon as you left his home, he called your parents, told them he had done something unforgivable so you’d leave him and stop…worrying about him.”
I can almost feel the warmth of Kelly’s embrace as my mom hugs me more tightly. Everything’s going to be alright, honey. These things happen for a reason.
“He asked…that they be there for you, to make sure you’re okay, and to never…never let you think of him in a good way.”
I will the memories to stop coming, but they’re too much. Don’t even think about talking to him, baby. He cheated on you. Talking to him only means you want him back despite what he did. Is that the kind of girl you are?
When I open my eyes, I’m no longer surprised I’m crying. “Did you know about all of this from the start?” I ask jerkily.
“Not from the start.” Lace swallows audibly. “Remember that time your mom had to come to our lab for a couple of tests?”
“Yes.”
“That’s when she told me about what Yuki did, and that she believed…” Lace cuts herself off.
“L-Lace?”
“S-She thought it was time.” And now, Lace is crying, too. “She thinks you’ve changed. T-thinks you’ve grown up, and I saw it, too. The past year…”
I close my eyes, and I remember Jason knocking on my room, telling me in a hoarse voice that he has something to tell me about Kelly.
“The things that happened to you…”
I remember looking around me one last time before moving out of the only place I’ve called home for the past twenty years, remember thinking that…it’s just a house, and it can burn down for all I care, if it could make things right.
“And you never lost your smile---”
And most of all, I remember seeing Jason on the floor, weeping, and all I can do was hug my dad and whisper, It’s going to be okay, Dad. It’s going to be okay. We can’t lose hope.
The memory fades.
And the moment is completely ruined when Lace suddenly blows her nose.
“Lace!” But I’m laughing and crying at the same time.
“I can’t help it,” Lace half-snarls just before blowing her nose again. “I don’t like it when snot gets in my mouth.”
“Gross.”
“Exactly.”
And this time, we both laugh, and we cry, too, and even though it still hurts, just talking to Lace has reminded me of what I foolishly forgot the moment Yuki walked back into my life. My life…is good. The people I love…are still alive. Even if Yuki never comes back, I still have more than I can ask for.
“Thank you for telling me the truth, Lace.” But when Lace doesn’t speak, a ball of dread forms in my stomach, and I ask haltingly, “There’s more, isn’t there?”
“After your mom told me about Yuki, that’s when I started thinking it was time you guys met again. But because I also knew you would never accept any kind of help from my family---” Lace’s voice becomes a little sulky in the end.
“You know why I can’t, Lace,” I say softly. “Your family’s already helped us so much.”
“Exactly,” Lace says again, but this time growling the word out. “We have so much, so why---”
“Lace.”
“Hmph.” But Lace finally continues, grumbling, “Because I know how unreasonably stubborn you can be, that’s when I had this idea of asking Sheikh Malik for a favor. He’d pretend to offer you a scholarship---”
“Oh, Lace.” I’m touched, horrified, and embarrassed all at the same time. Now Sheikh Malik is involved, too?
“It was the only way,” Lace says defensively. “And besides, it turned out better than I expected. He ended up paying for the scholarship himself.”
“He what?”
“Okay, now I’m confused.” Lace’s frown is audible in her voice. “First you’re mad that my family wants to pay for your scholarship, and now you’re still mad that someone else paid for it? Who do you want to pay?”
“No one! I should be the one paying---”
“But you can’t afford to, remem---” Lace breaks off mid-speech. “Shit. Was I just tactless there?”
“Yes. You kinda were.” But I’m grinning.
“Sorry.” And in Lace’s voice, I hear her grinning, too.
I start to tell her there’s no need to apologize when she clears her throat.
“Also…”
I wait.
“That might not be the only thing I need to say sorry for.” Lace’s voice becomes small. “I kinda...pulled some strings to find out where Yuki’s studying.”
Oh.
“And that’s why you ended up there.”
“I s-see.”
“Did I do the right thing?”
“Yes,” I hear myself say. “You did the right thing.” I take a deep breath. “And speaking of those strings – is it okay if you pull a couple more for me?”
Forty-five minutes later and I’m back on the streets, a girl with a mission. The address that Lace provided for Yuki’s place is at one of the most prominent neighborhoods in Tokyo, far enough to take a cab but close enough for those who enjoy long walks. I’m not really one of the latter back at home, but I’ve heard that walking can help clear one’s mind, so I’m giving it a try. Also, cab fares in this city are way out of my budget, so there’s that, too.
The night-shift concierge greets me with a polite smile as I step inside reception. After apologizing for the three-am-intrusion, I tell him I’m hoping to speak with Yuki Himura at Unit 1808 and when he asks for my name, I hear myself say---
“Could you tell him it’s Vivi Anderson? I’d like to speak with him about Katerina.”
It’s both a lie and a gamble. I suck at doing both, to be honest, but it’s also my last re
sort, and so I fight hard to keep my smile as the concierge makes the call.
A moment later, the older man puts the phone down, saying politely, “Mr. Himura will be waiting for you at the 18th floor foyer, miss. Would you like one of our attendants to accompany you?”
My knees knock against each other in relief, and I have to clutch the edge of the counter to keep myself from swaying. “I think I’ll be fine on my own, thanks.” I turn around…and then I run. I can feel the concierge staring at me in palpable confusion, but I pretend not to notice. He might seem like a nice guy, but he’d also be the first one to toss me out on my arse once he realizes I lied to him about my identity.
The elevator ride to the eighteenth floor feels unbearably slow and intimidatingly quick all at once. It gives me an eternity to dwell on all the worst things that could happen, but at the same time it feels like I only have a second to compose myself before the doors start to slide open.
An expansive, luxurious foyer greets me, but all I have eyes for is the boy sitting alone on the velvet sofa, his dark head bent, his hands clasped before him. I step out, and he looks up.
Ah.
Our gazes collide, and my heart shudders to a stop for one painful second.
Yuki.
He jerks to his feet, and the spell breaks as his furious voice reaches me. “Why the fuck are you here?”
His tone makes me flinch, and my first instinct is to run away. But somehow, I find the courage to do the opposite. I start walking towards him, one clumsy step at a time, and the closer I get, the stiffer and tenser Yuki becomes.
I only stop when I’m inches away from him, close enough to hear him suck in his breath, and the memory of Lace’s words flash in my mind.
He called your parents, told them he had done something unforgivable so you’d leave him and stop…worrying about him.
I slowly look up, and this time I see beyond the coldness of his face. This time, I’m close enough to see the haunted look in his eyes---
He asked…that they be there for you, to make sure you’re okay, and to never…never let you think of him in a good way.
And I realize I’m not the only one hurting.
The knowledge makes me draw a shuddering breath, but it’s just not enough. Oh God, Yuki. How could I have misread so much? How could I have believed he’d betray me so easily? A thousand different emotions threaten to make my heart explode, and countless words rush to my throat.