by Marian Tee
KC: Isn’t he cute?
Aria: Has learning Nihongo made you illiterate in English? He said you were SPAMMING him.
KC: You get it, don’t you, MJ?
MJ: I thnk it’s nevera bad thuing to be optimistic.
Aria: Don’t believe her. She’s laughing so hard beside me her hands are shaking while texting. That’s where all the typos are coming from.
MJ: AMNOT!
Aria: Liar, liar, typos on fire.
Lace: What would you do if he blocks you?
KC: He won’t.
Aria: Japan must be really something. Not only has it made you illiterate, now it’s made you clairvoyant, too?
MJ: But what if he does?
KC: 100% sure he won’t.
Lace: What gives?
KC: Because he loves me.
Aria: EWW.
Lace: BAHAHAHA.
MJ: YOU are the cute one, KC! <3
I’m about to type my reply when the elevator doors slide open and I see Yuki stepping out. He has a gray shirt layered over a black one with long sleeves while his denims hug his long, strong legs to perfection. And oh, let’s not forget his bum. We need a moment of absolute silence to admire---
Yuki jerks when he catches sight of me seated at one of the couches facing the counter. A moment later he’s walking away.
I jump to my feet when I realize he’s definitely going to leave me behind. Sorry, Yuki’s sexy bum. I’ll have to offer prayers to your divine perfection next time. When I catch up to him, he’s already nearing the end of his street, and I call out, “Matte kudasai!” Please wait.
Yuki doesn’t even turn around, but just as he starts to cross the street the light changes, and Yuki reluctantly retreats.
Thank You, God.
When I make it to his side, Yuki asks point blank, “What are you doing here?”
“Waiting for my master?”
Yuki chokes, and I smile sweetly. Serves you right. Once upon a time, Yuki “blackmailed” me into being his secret toy. I know it sounds dirty, and while I wish I could say it wasn’t –
Well, okay, the truth is, it’s as dirty as it sounds, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Is that what you’re wearing to class?”
Yuki’s frowning tone makes me glance down at my clothes: a black sailor dress matched with the same shade of over-the-knee socks and a pair of old rose Mary Janes. I normally wear something a lot more conservative back home, but…this is Tokyo. It’s the one place where no one would bat an eyelash if you dress like your favorite anime character to work or even just when walking to the grocery. Do you know how gloriously liberating that is?
The first week I was here, I tried testing it out by wearing contacts – the colored type that makes your eyes thrice as large – and no one even looked twice at me. So now, I’ve branched out a bit, dressing up the way that one of my favorite oneshot heroines does. I honestly don’t see what’s wrong with my outfit so I ask Yuki worriedly, “Is it too moe?” The latter word is slang for the too-cute girls you often see in manga and anime, and I wonder if it’s the otaku in me that’s not seeing the same thing Yuki sees.
Yuki’s lips tighten. “Never mind.” The light changes back to green, and it’s another race as I try to keep up with his long-legged strides.
“Slow down, please. I’m wearing heels.” I’m breathless again, and unfortunately it has more to do with my lack of stamina than Yuki’s good looks.
“No.”
Or so he says, but he’s actually slowing down, and a smile starts to tug at the corner of my lips. This was just like how we were before, only our roles were reversed then, and I was the one in denial. I couldn’t make myself admit that I was attracted to a cocky, sadistic prince like him – just like Yuki is unwilling to admit that we could make things work between us now…and for good.
“Stop smiling.”
“I’m not.” I quickly wipe my face free of expression. “But---” I can’t help looking down at my clothes again. “Is it really that bad?”
“It is,” Yuki states unequivocally. “You should change.”
My face falls, and he swears under his breath.
“You’re right,” I say. Yuki’s the one with Japanese blood, not me, so if he thinks my clothes suck, then I’ll trust his judgment. I’ve never been the one to care about fashion anyway. “I’ll see you in school. I’ll just go and change.”
Yuki’s fingers cup my elbow before I can take another step.
Oh!
It’s the most casual of touches, but it’s still enough to make my entire body jolt, and when Yuki suddenly yanks his hand away I just know---
“You felt it too, didn’t you?” I ask giddily.
Yuki looks like he wants to strangle me.
Oh. Right. I forgot that the plan was to seduce him subtly and not just go all-out attack him with my love. Clearing my throat, I ask, “Why did you stop me?”
“Your clothes,” he says stiffly. “Gomen.” Sorry. “I lied. They’re not bad.”
“Oh.” But I don’t get it, and I can’t help feeling a little hurt. The Yuki I know isn’t this much of an arse. “Did you just say it to make me feel bad?”
“Iie.” No.
His voice is gruff, but I hear the sincerity in it, and tension loosens its hold on my shoulders.
“Then…why?”
He inhales heavily. “Because…” He gestures to my legs.
“My legs are ugly?”
“For God’s sake, no.” Yuki’s eyes flash in irritation. “Don’t you get it?” He angrily gestures to my legs again. “You’re showing too much.”
Oh.
“Stop grinning.”
“I’m not.”
“Stop grinning or I’ll block your number.”
I grimace. Bloody smart sod. He might as well have threatened to cut off my oxygen supply, and he knows it.
When we pause at the last intersection, Yuki glances at me, and I ask hopefully, “Want to hold my hand while walking?”
Yuki glares at me.
“Okay, okay. I just asked.”
He slowly shakes his head. “You know this is futile, don’t you?”
The words catch me off guard, and I quickly look away as my stomach starts to cramp. “I don’t know what you mean. I’m just walking to school, and you only happen to be walking the same route---”
“You already live inside the campus.”
“Details, details,” I say airily.
There’s another moment of silence, and then he says, “You’ve changed.” Surprise is evident in his voice, but there’s something else.
“Do you mean,” I tease lightly, “I’ve become prettier?”
“No.”
I almost feel hurt, but then I see the way his lips curve just the tiniest bit, and – oh. Be still, my heart. Have you had a god smile at you? Let’s just say I seriously believe that man’s first drawn breath was at the sight of one.
“I get it,” I tell him.
He arches a brow. “You do?”
“It’s in your eyes,” I say innocently. “I can’t get any prettier because I’m already the prettiest girl for you.”
“That,” I say with a grin, “is exactly how Yuki looked at me that time, too.” It’s lunch break, and I’ve just finished telling my friends about the little one-liner I used this morning and stopped Yuki in his tracks.
Vivi is the first one to stop gaping and find her voice. “You take the pie.”
“Cake,” Hannah and I correct her at the same time.
Vivi nods. “Yes, I meant that. You completely take the cake. I am very much impressed by the way you are handling this. You are – what is it they say? You’re taking the…elephant by their tusk?”
For three seconds, we manage to keep our faces straight.
But then Vivi realizes her mistake. “Oh, sorry. I meant you take the bull by the horns.” She gives us a regal nod. “You may laugh.”
And so we do. Hannah, bless her hea
rt, is trying to be nice about it, pretending to cough instead of laughing out loud. I think it’s cute, and Ewan seems to think so, too, only in a romantic way. It’s hard not to miss how often the attractive Frenchman’s hooded glances go her way. I think Vivi’s just as aware as I am, but it’s Hannah who’s surprisingly dense about it. Or maybe it’s because she already has a guy she likes – and it’s not Ewan?
I mentally sigh, thinking that Cupid really doesn’t play any favorites. If the winged archer feels like complicating people’s lives, the naughty little boy does so without a qualm, even if it means striking multiple people with just one arrow.
“Earth to KC?”
It’s Hannah, and when I shake myself out of my thoughts, I realize the whole table is looking at me.
“You have got it bad for your ex, haven’t you?” Ewan remarks.
“Actually, I’m just taking a leaf from his book,” I explain with a wry smile. “He had all these one-liners that drove me crazy, but it also had me obsessing over him so I figured I could turn the tables around this time.”
“That is a good plan,” Vivi says approvingly.
“What’s your next step then?” Hannah asks.
“I texted him a while ago,” I confide. “I told him I needed to go to the library…and I also told him that all of you were busy---”
Hannah grins. “Are we?”
“Yes,” I say with utter seriousness. “You are.” But now I’m grinning, too. “And so, I asked him if maybe he could go with me instead.”
“And he fell for that?” Ewan’s decidedly skeptical.
“To be honest, he hasn’t replied yet.” I pull my phone out from my purse and check it again. “Yup. Still no messages.” I gnaw at my lip. “Do you think I should text him again or is that too push---” I break off when I realize that my friends are all wearing uncomfortable expressions. “What is it?”
Vivi turns towards the restaurant’s windows, so I do the same.
And that’s when I see what they’ve seen: Yuki, placing a hand on the back of another girl as he helps her inside a cab---
And it’s the same darn girl.
Again.
Word of the Day: Jinja
1. Japanese word for ‘shrine’; Shinto shrines generally include the suffix ‘jingu’ in their names (e.g. Meiji Jingu or Meiji Shrine) and are characterized by having tori or archways by the entrance.
2. Must not be with Buddhist temples in Japan, which generally include the suffix ‘ji’ in their names (e.g. Sensō-ji in Asakusa, Kinkaku-ji in Kyoto); Ji means temple in English.
Blog #732
Earlier in class, I had a one-on-one with a professor, and she asked me why I’ve stopped drawing shoujo. Apparently, she’s seen my one-and-only published work, and she believes it’s really good.
I know the easy answer to it would be that I’ve outgrown the genre. Shoujo is more for teenage girls, and I’m way past that. I’m old enough to drink, which firmly puts me in josei territory.
So…nuff said, right?
If only.
I suppose I could have also told her the bull I used to feed myself with. I’m so broken I can’t write about true love anymore. I fell for a boy, and he left me. But I couldn’t do that either. That only worked when I didn’t know the truth. The boy I loved didn’t leave me. I drove him away.
So…knowing that, you’d think it would magically cure all my problems.
But it didn’t.
And since my professor looked like she was willing to wait forever until I gave her an answer---
It took a really, really long time to figure things out.
But eventually, I got it.
In the world of shoujo, romantic love is the ultimate goal. Its heroes and heroines do everything just to stay together. In shoujo, even honest-to-goodness full-blooded siblings end up together, and readers actually end up cheering for them despite the incest.
And honestly, I don’t have a problem with any of that. But I’m also not the girl I used to be. Life’s changed me. Knowing how short it is, seeing how my mom has to fight to live – it all changed me. And that’s why I can’t draw shoujo anymore, I think. Because if God asks me to choose between a happy-ever-after with the boy I love and a longer life for my mom---
I’d choose my mom in a heartbeat.
I’d choose her, always.
I wouldn’t be me – wouldn’t be the girl he loved – if I didn’t.
Shrines in Tokyo are as ubiquitous as your local 7-11. There’s almost always one around the corner, and my neighborhood in Shinjuku isn’t different. The local shrine is about eighty years old, which – believe it or not – is considered fairly new compared to most other shrines in Japan. The first time I came here, Vivi was with me, and she nearly died laughing when I drank the water from the purification fountain.
Back then, I had prayed for strength.
Today isn’t any different. I still need strength, but I also need to beg for forgiveness. I forgot myself, got greedy, and now I’m paying the price.
After dropping several hundred-yen coins into the donation box, I take one of the ema tablets hanging from the wooden display board. Ema literally means ‘picture of a horse,’ although these days the small wooden plaque can sport all sorts of images, ranging from the current year’s zodiac sign to even cute Rilakkuma ones.
It takes a while to write down my wish at the back of the tablet. I’m doing my best to write everything in Kanji without getting help from my dictionary app. Hopefully, it would score me a couple of brownie points with the gods, which I’m badly in need of.
When I’m done, I move to the other board where all the written wishes are on display. As I hang mine on a vacant hook, another person comes up from behind me, and I move to the side, thinking it’s a local devotee.
“Momo said I’d find you here.”
My heart jumps as I whirl around. “Yuki.” I used to call him a ninja god because of how stealthy he is, and that part of him obviously hasn’t changed. “You scared me to death.” As always, he’s a sight for sore eyes, but it’s also one of those instances when he makes my heart ache.
Yuki’s face remains unsmiling.
As always, I can’t help thinking, because yesterday’s events still has me feeling a little raw.
“What are you doing here?” Yuki seems to be speaking between clenched teeth.
Whoa. I finally notice the nearly violent look in his eyes, and I blurt out, “Are you mad?” Again, I almost add, but I manage not to. No point rubbing salt on the wound, especially when it’s my wound and not his.
“You truly have to ask?” he snarls.
“Umm, yes, I think I should because I have no idea why you’d---” And then it hits me. The way he keeps asking me what I’m doing visiting a shrine on a weekday, and that look in his eyes…
He’s looking at me like he’s watching me drown myself, and no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t save me.
My stomach starts cramping again, but it’s a bittersweet kind of pain. “Yuki---” I unthinkingly reach out for him, but he stiffens, and I have to swallow my disappointment as I let my arm fall back against my side. One at a time, KC. You can’t have everything in one go.
“You still haven’t answered my question.” Yuki’s tone is harsh, and my stomach cramps harder at the sound.
“It’s not what you think,” I say gently. “I only have afternoon classes. So, no, you didn’t make me skip school or anything.” It was what I once did, just to show up for a job interview, back when I was scrambling for ways to make money so I could be of help to him. I also got caught, and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back for my parents. It must also have done the same thing for Yuki, now that I think of it, since he stopped taking my calls after that.
When Yuki doesn’t speak, I say more insistently, “I’ve changed. I know you have a hard time believing me, but so many things have happened since then. I’ve grown up. I’ve learned my lesson. And I can promise you---” I giv
e him a tentative smile as I cross my heart. “I’m not going to self-destruct just because things don’t turn out the way I want to.”
He still doesn’t speak, but the way his body gradually relaxes tells me that my words have gotten through. It’s another bittersweet sight, and now it’s just not my stomach cramping. My heart joins in the torture this time, aching in a way that makes me want to grip my chest.
Be still, my heart. Be really still before you make me cry.
I can’t stop thinking of how he looked at me, can’t stop thinking of how helpless I made him feel every time he saw me fall apart. God, I was such an idiot. All those times that I thought I was trying to save him, and I couldn’t see the woods for the trees until it was too late---
And he had no choice but to leave me.
“I know it’s a little too late,” I say jerkily, “but I want to say sorry again about how I made you feel in the past. I kept saying that I was doing all those things because I wanted to help you, but---” I shake my head. “I can’t lie to myself now. Everything I did back then was because I was insecure. I was desperate to keep you by my side because I was scared that if you left, you would find another girl to love.” My words come to an uneven halt as my lungs struggle to work. It’s the air in Tokyo, I tell myself. That’s what’s making it so hard to breathe. It’s not like I’m having a panic attack because---
My heart is breaking
It’s possible that it’s really too late
And Yuki can’t ever be mine again
It’s the air, I tell myself again. That’s all.
Forcing a smile, I manage to say lightly, “That was a hint, by the way.” Dark color stains his cheeks at my words, and despite everything I can’t help but smiling again, genuinely this time. “Just because we broke up doesn’t mean we forget about everything we know of each other. And I do know you, Yuki. I’m pretty sure you know why I didn’t answer any of your texts last night.”
I’m also equally sure he knows not answering him had me tossing and turning the whole night, but this one I don’t say out loud. I love him, but I still have some pride left.