by Marian Tee
I fall asleep, dreaming of what could be, but when I wake up, things are still not what I want them to be. There are missed calls, messages, and emails, too, but they’re from Vivi and my family, and none of them are from the one person I want to hear the most from.
After taking a shower, I jog down and buy several bentos from Paku Paku. They have the best and the cheapest ones, and on a whim, I also splurge on their 1,500-yen eel lunch. It’s a little over my budget, but it’s eel, and I’d have to pay thrice that if I were to order it from a restaurant.
Back in my rented unit, I take one of the boxes, close my eyes and say grace, and afterwards, I murmur out loud, “Itadakimasu.”
The trick to not losing it is to keep things normal.
Time trickles past, and soon it’s time to have lunch.
I take another box out, close my eyes, say grace, and then I say out loud, “Itadakimasu.” But this time, my hands shake a little as I reach for a brand new pair of chopsticks.
Soon, it’s time for dinner, and still I do the same.
I close my eyes.
I say grace.
My lips move, but no sound comes out. Itadakimasu.
And this time, I can’t even close my eyes.
All I can do is cry.
And that’s when I hear my phone rings.
The laughter inside the ballroom is raucous, the chatter among the wealthy guests loud and nonstop, their tongues loosened in the only way the finest wine could. The new company established via the Himura-Nakagawa merger was a success, and the prices its stocks fetched on its initial public offering had broken all sorts of records.
Hikari drifted to Alexei’s side, the quintessential Japanese beauty with her artfully coiffed hair and expensive kimono. “Thank you for doing this.”
“It’s the least I can do,” the man she almost married murmured, “after everything.”
“Everything…” Hikari’s lips curved in faint smile. “How unsatisfactorily vague that word is.”
Yuki merely smiled, knowing there wasn’t anything he could say that wouldn’t make him sound like an asshole. He had worked day and night alongside Akito to make the merger work because it was the ultimatum Hikari’s father had set for him.
Give me a new company, and I will forgive you for the disgrace of turning my daughter down.
And of course, Hikari knew about it, too.
For one moment, she seriously considered doing something truly drastic just to hold on to him. There were so many things she could do to cause him trouble. She could pretend that he had gotten her pregnant, could make such a scene that he would be obliged to marry her or forever brand himself dishonorable in the public’s eye.
All those things would make her a monster, too, but for the kind of man Alexei Himura was---
She wouldn’t mind being one, if it meant having him in her life.
But the moment of insanity passed, and Hikari turned to face the crowd in gracious acknowledgment of her defeat. “Katerina must be a very special girl,” she murmured.
One dark brow shot up at the mention of the other girl’s name, and Hikari laughed.
“Oh, come on, Alexei. You didn’t really think I wouldn’t do a little digging of my own, did you?”
“No. I didn’t think of it.”
His broad shoulders moved in a casual shrug, and Hikari realized with just the tiniest amount of hurt that it was true. Alexei hadn’t thought about it at all, and it wasn’t because he didn’t believe she was incapable of it. He hadn’t thought about it simply because he didn’t care enough.
She had heard stories of him being utterly cold and ruthless, and she had dismissed all of it, thinking they were just that. Stories. But now she knew better, and the truth was bittersweet.
“Tell me about her,” she said impulsively.
After a beat, Alexei said simply, “She’s the only girl I’ll love.”
Her eyes flew wide open. “I never thought you could say such a thing.”
“Because it’s true.”
“I know, but…” She shook her head. “It’s just not like you to be so open.”
“It’s easy enough to say to anyone.” But this time Alexei’s tone was heavily ironic. “The only time I can’t seem to say them is when I’m talking to her.” And when he smiled, it was as beautiful as it was hard---
And Hikari realized that even his smiles were also reserved for Katerina.
Everything that was special about him was for that one girl.
Lucky, lucky girl, she thought wistfully.
Hikari noticed Alexei glance at his watch, and guilt stung her conscience. “You know…I don’t really mean to keep you here until dawn. I mean, I wish you would stick around longer, but I’m not going to hold you hostage over it.”
Alexei immediately shook his head. “It’s as I said. It’s the least I can do.”
She watched his jaw clench at the end of the words. “Maybe…just call her? I could be wrong, but I’m getting the feeling she’s expecting you?”
“She…is.”
Her guilt worsened. “You can really go, you know. I swear---”
“There’s nothing you should worry about.”
Alexei’s words were spoken in a tone that was as courteous as it was dismissive, and Hikari knew she was being politely put in her place.
“I understand,” she mumbled.
A male guest interrupted them then to ask Hikari to dance, and Yuki swiftly stepped back to give way to the other guy. He could see that Hikari was relieved to leave him, and Yuki was glad. The sooner she realized he wasn’t the Prince Charming she believed he was, the sooner she’d get over her foolish infatuation for him.
For a while, he simply stood there, watching but not really seeing the couples dancing past him.
He glanced down at his watch.
Ten minutes past eight in the evening.
In less than a few hours, he would end up breaking his promise.
He knew that was how it should be –
But would she be able to understand that?
“H-Hello?”
Yuki closed his eyes at the sound of her voice. Just one word, and it was enough to tell him a thousand things, and most of it were…not good.
“Konbanwa, senpai.” His voice was gruff, his choice of language deliberate.
“K-Konbanwa.” Her voice was fainter than he wanted, but the smile in it was exactly what he had been aiming for. It meant the world to him, and for just one moment, he closed his eyes to allow himself to savor the sound.
Just one moment to fantasize---
Just one moment---
Because sometimes, fantasies were all one had.
He had learned that from her.
“Where are you?”
The moment passed, and Yuki slowly straightened from the balcony rails he had been leaning against. From where he was standing, he could see the whole of Tokyo and most of its iconic landmarks. The glowing outline of Tokyo Skytree, the huge space where the Meiji Shrine was supposed to be, the Tokyo Dome---
He could see all of it, but at the same time he didn’t.
These days, she was all he could see even when they were apart.
God.
Why couldn’t loving someone ever be simple?
Why did it always have to hurt?
“Senpai…”
Something in his voice must have given himself away, and Katerina suddenly started talking.
“If you’re at my dorm, you should know I’m not there.”
Fast.
“I actually rented out an AirBNB. It’s off Asakusa. You w-won’t have a hard time looking for it.”
Ah.
“Just turn right when you take the Ginza exit---”
He couldn’t let her go on anymore.
“Senpai.” His voice was toneless.
But she only blocked his words out. “Then you’ll see a 7-11 and---”
“I can’t come.” Unfortunately for her, he could do the same thing, too
, and his fist clenched at the abrupt way her voice died.
God.
“I’m sorry.”
And just when he thought she wouldn’t ever speak again---
“I k-knew I shouldn’t have let you speak.”
His eyes squeezed shut. Here they fucking go again. Katerina cracking a joke, because she knew if she hadn’t---
He might have been the first one to break down between them.
Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to get on with it. “I’ve explained to the Nakagawas that I can’t marry their daughter. They’ve accepted our apologies, and my family’s aid in lieu---”
“Then why,” she blurted out, “can’t you come tonight?”
“Our companies are celebrating the merger tonight, and Hikari asked that I stay for the party---”
“I’m sure she’ll understand if you tell her---”
“She told me it’s the last favor she’ll ever ask me,” Yuki cut her off tonelessly. “I’m hoping you’d understand.”
“I…see.”
And he could hear it in her voice that she did see. That she did understand, more than either of them wanted.
“What about your promise?” she whispered.
“I haven’t forgotten,” he said grimly. “But there’s nothing I can do. I have no choice. I’ll just head to wherever you are first thing tomorrow. It’s in Asakusa, right? And---”
“You know it’s not that.”
There was no disappointment in her voice, not a single hint of accusation.
Just something else he didn’t want to hear, didn’t want to think about---
Because if he did---
“Be reasonable,” he grated out. “What difference does one day make?”
“Everything.”
Her voice caught in the end.
Fuck.
He heard her suck in her breath---
And Yuki realized he had sworn out loud.
FUCK.
And now, he heard her choke back a cry---
“Dammit, senpai.”
He knew he was lashing out, but how could he fucking not?
He knew where this was heading, and it wasn’t supposed to be like this.
If she just took the time to see things his way---
“Don’t turn this into the past all over again,” he said savagely.
“I’m n-not.”
And this time, she wasn’t even bothering to hide the tears clogging her throat.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Bullshit.”
The tears turned into sobs, and Yuki smashed his fist into the wall.
God. Damn. It.
Did she think he didn't know why she was crying?
Did she think he didn’t hear that she was crying for him, hurting for him --- again?
“Y-Yuki---”
“Don’t you fucking say my name like that.”
First thing he had done when he had gotten back to Japan was to not let anyone call him by that. He wanted it to be hers, just hers. He wanted to make sure he would never forget the way she said his name.
But if she was going to be saying his name like it was goodbye---
Then she might as well call him Alexei like the rest.
“D-Did you really think I didn’t know this was a test?”
“I don’t fucking know what you’re talking about---”
She laughed and cried, and it killed him to hear both.
“Who’s t-talking b-bull now?”
“It’s bullshit,” he snarled. “I said bullshit.”
But smart beautiful girl that she was, she didn’t let herself get sidetracked.
“Y-you’re a god, Yuki.”
He let out a hollow laugh.
“If you wanted out of that omiai with her, you could make it happen just like that.”
Snap.
Katerina snapped her fingers, but the sound of it killed him, too. It reminded him of just how fucking easy it was to lose someone---
No matter how much you loved them.
No matter how much you didn’t want to leave.
“Because you’re a god.”
It was the same lame joke, but he knew she was just forcing herself to say it.
Because that was the kind of girl she was.
This girl he loved---
Cracking a joke just to make him smile, just to stop him from hurting, even if it meant slicing her own throat.
“You could have ended it whenever, but you didn’t. Because you wanted to t-test me. You w-wanted these two weeks to see if I c-could be strong even when you’re away. Even when it’s the worst---”
Ah God.
“And I accepted it,” she choked out. “I t-took the test because I wanted to prove to you that I’ve changed.”
Yuki whitened.
“But I don’t think…”
No. No. No.
“No matter how many times you test me, no matter how many times I prove to you---”
“Don’t say it.” He realized he was practically begging her, realized he didn’t give a damn.
“I don’t think you’ll ever believe me.”
“Don’t do this.” It wasn’t supposed to be this way, dammit. He couldn’t lose her again.
“Please.”
But this time, all he could hear was the sound of her tears---
And she was crying the way he had used to shed tears.
Crying like his pain was leaving her no choice---
The same way her pain once left him no choice but to leave.
“I’m not blaming you for this.” Her voice broke.
And his own heart broke along with it.
“It’s just one fucking day, senpai---”
She laughed. She cried. She choked.
All of it telling him that it wasn’t just that.
And that deep inside he had to know this, too.
One step forward, two steps back.
That was what his one fucking day meant.
“You walked out on me the first time we met in school, but you couldn’t stop yourself from worrying over me. You asked your friends to check on me, but you called me a mistake. You saved me from getting raped, but you asked me to get the f-fuck out of your life---”
She let out a little gasp, the sound like something torn out of her throat, and it ripped a piece of his heart.
“And now…when I’m getting too close, y-you let another girl get close, too.”
Another laugh, another sob, another choking sound of pain.
“D-do you see a pattern h-here?”
Yes.
God.
Yes.
“I just didn’t want to risk hurting you again,” Yuki said rawly. “That’s all, senpai.”
“I know.” And she was crying again.
“Because I love you.”
“I know.” Crying like she could never stop---
And wasn’t this exactly what he had wanted to avoid in the first place?
“I’m sorry I messed up your life again.”
It was exactly what he wanted to say, and yet…why were the words coming from her?
“I really did think we could make it work this time, but I guess…”
A laugh, a cry, and a sound that only broken people could make, three notes spelling the same melody that her tears had been singing over and over, from the moment she answered his call.
“I promise you. It w-will be different this time. It won’t be like before. We m-might go our separate ways again, but you haven’t destroyed me. Haven’t ruined me at all. No one can do that to me anymore---”
“And I’m supposed to believe you?” he asked dully.
“Yes,” she said so very simply. “Because I’ve gone through worse.”
Yuki didn’t speak a word. He didn’t know if he could believe her. How could something be worse than this?
“Kelly has cancer, Yuki.”
Ah.
“She’s had it for some time, and it’s b-been rough, but…”
>
There was that melody again, that damn three-note melody that he was so damn close to replicating as well.
“I’m hanging on.”
And now everything was becoming so painfully clear.
“Senpai---”
“I never told you because I didn’t want your pity and I didn’t…I didn’t want you to feel tied down.”
He understood what she was saying, understood that he had gotten so many things wrong, but…so had she.
How could she even think she was capable of making him feel tied down?
The only way that could happen was if he didn’t want to be with her---
And that would never happen.
“You should have told me from the start,” he said bleakly.
“I didn’t want to risk you thinking I’m w-weak. But…”
And for the last time, he heard it.
Laugh. Cry. And that unnamed, indefinable sound of pain.
“You get it now, don’t you? I’m no longer weak. I’m stronger. So please don’t worry about me. Please try…please try to remember me with a smile this time. Because that’s all I really wanted, you know? I love you, and it means I just want to see you smile – even if it means I can’t be with you.”
He heard a telltale click, Katerina severing the call---
And it was as if she had cut his lifeline as well.
His cellphone slipped from his fingers and crashed to the ground.
No.
Yuki knelt down and clumsily reached for his phone. He called her, again and again, his urgency and desperation turning into full-blown panic with every call that remained unanswered.
No.
Rising to his feet, he stalked out of the balcony, and one look at Yuki’s hard face had guests hastily clearing a path for him. He caught sight of his father’s look of surprise and concern, but it didn’t even make him pause in his stride.
Right now, only one person mattered.
And he had to get to her now.
Taking the elevator to the hotel’s basement parking, he called his father’s right-hand man, knowing that Saito-san was on call 24/7. “I need you to look something up for me,” Yuki said without preamble as soon as the older man picked up. He fed Saito-san all the information that Katerina had provided about the place she had rented out.
By the time he made it to Asakusa, Saito-san had also delivered, and Yuki had an address.