“You ought to come with us to church,” he says.
“I’d love to,” I lie. “But I’ve got a huge paper to write.”
Mama’s expression shows a mix of disapproval and irritation. “You sure have a lot of homework lately. Maybe all that time at play practice is getting in the way of your studies.”
Rather than comment, I move back to the sink to finish the dishes. The last thing I need right now is a huge fight. Nothing can compromise this windfall of a free afternoon.
I dip my hands into the warm water and grab another plate. Mama finally fixes the buckle on her shoe. She stands, smooths her skirt, and orders Blake to help her find her keys. She’s always losing those things. Sooner rather than later, she’s going to need to wear them on a chain around her neck.
Blake reaches a hand into Mama’s purse, which she’s carrying on one shoulder, and pulls out the keys. They both laugh. I can’t help but smile. Seeing the easy affection between them brings a mixture of longing for a love of my own and a tingling sense of hope that it is closer than ever before.
“We’re off then,” Mama says, pulling me in for a quick, one arm hug. “See that you get your chores done before you start on that homework.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
I watch them leave, hand in hand. Mama and I may have our differences, but she’s not a bad person. That’s why I struggle to reconcile that knowledge with Auden’s claim.
How could Mama erase not just events, but people, from my memory without my permission? And why? Because she sensed her control over me slipping? Because she didn’t want me to make my life different from hers? It seems unbelievable. Unreal. Like something a villain would do in a movie.
As angry as I could and should feel about it, another thought always needles in the back of my mind: maybe there’s more to the story.
I shake away the questions and grab my phone.
Hey, I text. What do you have going on this afternoon? Mama’s going to be gone until dinnertime.
He responds almost immediately. Seriously? Best news ever! I was planning to go on a hike. Care to join me?
That sounds great.
I do a giddy little spin-squeal combination, grateful for texting because he can’t see how ridiculous I look right now.
We drive back to the foothills under a sparkling sun and clear, blue skies. Auden claims to know a secret trail to an abandoned gold mine. It sounds like a concocted excuse to get a girl alone in the mountains if ever I heard one, but it’s fine, seeing as I’m mainly in this for the flirting, not the sights.
It’s unseasonably warm today, and the trees have just started to melt into reds and oranges. The air smells of rich, wet soil and pine. We walk side by side along the shady trail, talking about movies and acting and Hollywood. Occasionally our arms touch as we walk the uneven terrain. When there’s a rock or felled tree in our path, Auden takes my hand to help me over. He does it without even thinking.
Being together feels completely natural, and I’m filled with a sense of well-being. Of belonging. I keep stealing glances at Auden as we walk. He’s wearing a red baseball shirt and khaki pants. More casual than I’ve seen him dressed, but even still he looks like the cover boy of Hot Artistic Guys magazine.
As he helps me down a particularly steep dip in the trail, his hand rests on the small of my back. When I come to even ground, we’re face-to-face. And close. We don’t move.
“Can I say something that’s probably too much?”
My pulse quickens. “Sure. I think.”
“Spending time with you like this makes me happier than I’ve been in a long time.”
My heart blossoms. “I’m happy too. I like being with you, Auden. It feels…right.”
“Because it is right.”
Being up on that hillside with Auden passes like a dream. We talk for hours, sitting side by side, with the wind in our hair and the valley stretching out before us. Life, truth, beauty, love—it’s so easy to move past mundane conversation with him. I’m still tingling from it all. Somehow I feel closer to him now than I have with any other person.
The sun hangs low in the sky by the time we get back to Auden’s car. The thick golden light sharpens every color and splashes orange and red on the clouds. I text Mama that I’m at Grace’s and will be until later. I put my phone away before her reply comes. It doesn’t really matter what she thinks. I’m going to spend more time with Auden. As much time as I can.
“Okay,” he says. “Where to next?”
I stretch my arms and sink into my seat. “I don’t even care. Just drive until we run out of gas. Until we get to California. We’ll swim in the ocean as the sun rises.”
My words seem to both delight and touch Auden’s heart. He says nothing, only smiles and drives.
“Of course, we could always just get some food,” I say. “That’d be a little less complicated.”
He laughs. “That’s the Shelby I know.”
“Hey,” I pout, folding my arms. “I can be spontaneous and dramatic. But I happen to enjoy food as well.”
“Food is a beautiful thing, and your commitment to it is admirable.”
I grimace. “It won’t be so admirable when it makes me fat.”
Auden shakes his head. “Oh please. Like you have anything to worry about. Don’t be that girl, Shelby.”
“I’m not that girl,” I say, defensively. “Though, I’ll have you know that the teenage years are a treacherous time for self-confidence. Or so my health teacher says.”
He sighs. “If only you could see yourself how I see you.”
I scoff, and he says, “I mean it, Shelby. You are beautiful.” I start to refuse the compliment, but he continues with determination. “Radiantly, elegantly beautiful. And I’m not just saying that because I’m in love with you.”
He says the phrase so casually, but the words fall over me like sparks. In every movie, there’s that moment when the main characters dramatically confess their love to each other. I’ve always watched these scenes with an ache of longing in my chest, wondering what it would feel like. And here I am, in my own moment. And it feels like I’m flying. I stare down into my lap, a smile pulling at my lips.
Auden stiffens, seeming to realize what he’s said. But he doesn’t make light of it or backtrack. His turns to look at me, and I meet his gaze. I feel exposed and safe and desired all at once. He doesn’t need to dramatically confess his love. Those eyes say everything.
Red flickers in my peripheral vision. My brain processes this from a deep, hidden place. Brake lights.
Brake lights.
I whip my head to face forward. The back of a Chevy pickup flies toward us. I grip Auden’s arm.
“Look out!”
All at once, I’m flung forward. The seat belt tightens sharply across my shoulder and my arms fly up to cover my face.
But instead of an explosion of glass shards and the bone-chilling crunch of car meeting car, we jolt to a stop, and I slam back against my seat.
I’m numb. In shock. Not even breathing. Auden’s nervous laugh pulls me into focus.
We haven’t hit the truck. Not even close. I press my hand over my racing heart and breathe in sharply.
“Are you okay?” Auden asks.
No words can escape the iron clamp around my throat. I nod, and his brow furrows deeply.
“What…” Comprehension settles over his face. “Oh Shelby. I’m so sorry.”
He hastily pulls the car to the side of the road. “I’m so, so sorry,” he says again.
I still can’t speak, but my breath no longer feels like it’s coming through a narrow straw. Auden watches me, his face ashen. If he can recite my regular gas station snack order, he definitely recognizes what my panic attacks look like.
“I’ll be okay,” I say in a gasp. “It just…took me to a bad place for a s
econd.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, Auden.”
“It’s not okay.” He grips the steering wheel and stares through the windshield, looking like he’s killed me rather than scared me. For a long moment, the only sound is the tick of his hazards.
I focus on breathing, slow, deliberate pulls of air. I calm my mind, and soon enough, my pulse follows. We’re fine. I’m fine. I’m safe.
I put a hand on Auden’s arm. “Nothing happened. I just freaked out a little.”
“I know, but…I didn’t mean to…I would never—”
“I know you’d never hurt me,” I say, softly. “Stop beating yourself up. I’m fine, okay? I’m not some delicate, broken person.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose hard.
“I know that. It’s just…” He sighs, frustrated. “I’m trying so hard to do everything right. I can’t afford any mistakes.”
“What are you talking about?”
His gaze is distant, stormy. “I want you to remember me, Shelby. More than anything. But at the same time, I would never want your bad memories to come back. Maybe it’s too dangerous to try and draw out one and not the other.”
“It’s worth the risk,” I say, softly.
He shakes his head. “I’m not so sure. Maybe I should let it be. Maybe I should back off.”
“Are you kidding me? If spending time with you today was even part of what we were like together, then I want our relationship back.” I press my hand hard over his. “I want to remember you. I want to remember us.”
He takes my hand and presses it over his heart. His eyes close, and he sighs as if my words are sweet relief. He releases my hand and turns sideways in his seat to face me. I do the same.
“Okay,” he says, finally. “So what do we do now?”
He means in general, but my mind has gone other places. It’s traveling along the angular lines of his face and through the dark softness of his hair.
“I can think of a few ideas,” I say, and I bite my lip.
His eyebrows raise, but then he turns away with a frustrated sigh. “I’ve been so good, Shelby.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been so good at resisting the urge to kiss you. It’s not easy, you know. But I keep having to remind myself that we aren’t that couple anymore. Not to you, anyway. To you, we’re just two people getting to know each other.”
I lean the side of my head on the seat. “I’d say we’ve moved beyond that stage, haven’t we? I think we’re easily at the ‘waiting for the first kiss’ stage.”
His gaze slides to on my lips, then my eyes, and back to my lips. “Is that so?”
I nod.
“I’ve never wanted to kiss you more than I do right now.”
“If you did, I’d gladly let it happen,” I say quietly.
He exhales. “You’re not going to make it easy for me, are you?”
“Actually, I’m trying to make it very easy.”
He slowly cups my face. His touch sends a current of fire all the way to my toes. He draws closer. My eyes slide shut, and I tremble with anticipation.
His forehead presses to mine. “I have to wait.”
“Why?”
He sits back. His breath shakes as he exhales. “A kiss is powerful. We should save it.”
The sharpness of rejection makes me sit back a little. “What do you mean?”
“I keep thinking that these re-creations are going to work, but they don’t seem to bringing any of your memories back.”
“But I’m getting to know you. Doesn’t that count?”
He jumps to clarify. “Of course it is! Shelby…these moments with you are everything to me. You have no idea. I waited months just to see your face. Spending time with you is beyond amazing. What I mean is, maybe re-creating our dates isn’t enough. Maybe we need something more powerful in order to draw those memories back.”
“Powerful like a kiss?”
He nods slowly. Warmth blooms in my cheeks.
My heartbeat quickens, but I’m suddenly more sure of this than anything I’ve ever felt. “Then kiss me, Auden.”
Chapter 17
Auden gives a nervous little laugh. “The time of day is actually very close to when we had our first kiss.”
“Were we in this car?”
“Not for the first one.” A sly grin tugs at his lips. “Though we did spend many an hour making out in this car.”
“One step at a time, champ.”
He presses his lips together in thought, then starts his car. “You’re right. I’ll take you to where it happened.”
He doesn’t head into town. Instead, he stays on the outskirts. And when we turn off on Jackson Road, it’s as if the world around me blurs.
The lake.
All at once, I see it. The glitch during my last therapy session. It’s twilight. The buzz of insects and swampy smell of water and reeds fill the air. The warm evening wind. The purple sky. The boy beside me on the hood of the car. He reaches for my face, brushes a strand of hair from my lip. His dark, deep eyes are filled with intensity.
I gasp.
The anomaly. Was it the flicker of a memory? A memory of our first kiss?
The sun has set, taking with it the fires on the clouds, leaving only cool purples and blues in its wake. The surface of the water is like a silver coin. Auden pulls up as close to the water as he can. After parking, he turns to me, and his expression immediately bends with concern.
“Shelby?”
“Where were we when we kissed? Were we…were we sitting on the hood of the car?”
Without waiting for him to collect his thoughts, I get out of the car and stand in front of it. The hood is warm beneath my touch. Auden scrambles to join me.
“Do you remember it?”
“I—I don’t know. I…”
He gestures that I should climb onto the hood. My feet are iron weights, but I slide up onto the warm metal. Auden takes a tentative place beside me.
I scan the scene around me. “It was a summer night. It was warmer. Perfect.”
Auden’s voice is a hoarse whisper. “Yes.”
Everything about this moment mirrors that flash I saw during the last treatment. Goose bumps tingle on my arms. I turn to Auden. The same intense stare. Same dark curls, rustled gently by the wind.
“You tucked my hair behind my ear,” I say, barely able to form the words.
He does so slowly. Exactly like that moment.
My mouth has gone dry. “And then…”
“And then,” he whispers.
And then, his lips are on mine.
Soft and warm, this single, sweet kiss stirs something unexpected in me. A memory.
I remember.
I can finally see that moment clearly. I remember how I felt. How his lips tasted. How my heart raced. I remember the smell of the lake, the warmth of the night, and the sound of distant birds singing across the trees to each other.
I remember.
Auden breaks from our kiss with his eyes closed. He exhales, shakily, and then looks at me. The shock must be written all over my face. Auden’s eyes widen. “Do you…?”
I can only nod. Tears prick my eyes.
“You really remember? Are you sure?”
“Yes.” Emotion chokes my throat, though I feel like I’m soaring from the sudden happiness. “I remember just a few seconds, but it’s there.”
Auden cradles my face in his hands. “You remember.”
“I remember.”
“Maybe I should kiss you one more time to make sure.”
“I think that’s a good idea. Just to be safe.”
He pulls me into another kiss, this one longer and more passionate. His hand hooks around the back of my neck. I melt into the inte
nsity of it.
After a moment, we both sit back, breathing a little harder. “Wow. That was a great second first kiss.”
I’m dizzy, though I can’t tell if it’s from the kiss or the revelation. “Actually, I think I might be in shock.”
The pieces click together fast and hard. “It’s true.” I whisper, “Everything you’ve said. We really did date. And…that means Mama really did let them erase you from my memory.”
Like a slow-moving fire, anger overcomes the pleasure of our kiss and the thrill of remembering.
“How could she?”
Auden shakes his head, his brow furrowed.
“And why would she?” I demand.
“You know why, Shelby. I threatened her control over you. You were going to step away from the future she planned for you, and that terrified and infuriated her.”
I press a hand to my temple. “But to take such a step all to take you out of my life? I can’t believe it.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Auden says, setting his hands on my shoulders. “We’ll get it all back. If this worked once, it will work again. We’ll get back all the memories they’ve taken from you.”
Had he spoken the words even an hour ago, I wouldn’t have believed him. But now I feel hope like I never have before.
Chapter 18
I move through the halls at school as if I’m carrying my secret in my arms, and the slightest bump from a passerby will spill the content for all to see. It’s a delicious feeling, holding all of this beauty and intrigue and keeping it to myself. I feel like a different person from the girl who started the school year.
My stomach flip-flops every time I think about our kiss. Both kisses. The memory and the re-creation. I’ve turned a page that can’t be unturned. Everything he said about our relationship is true. I loved Auden once. I can feel that in the very roots of my soul. And he loved me—loves me still.
After school, I drive straight to the Taco Town parking lot, my new designated spot to hide my car. I’ve built an alibi with Mama that I like to study there. Auden meets me there and drives me to his house.
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