I stab a fork into the slice of roast on my plate and sigh.
“Something the matter?” Blake asks.
“I’m tired. I think I’ll go to bed early tonight.”
I notice Mama and Blake exchange a glance. Mama sets down her beer and purses her lips for just a moment, in that way she does when she’s about to lay down the law.
“I need you to clear your schedule this weekend, Shelby,” she says, with calm authority. “Dr. Stevens has agreed to see you on Friday. We’ll leave Thursday night.”
I almost drop my fork. “What?”
“You heard me. Thursday night, we’re heading to Denver. Tell your drama teacher you won’t be at rehearsal on Friday.”
I stare at her. “But…why?”
“For treatment,” Mama says, cutting a bite of roast. “You’re obviously not yourself lately. The panic attacks are back. After what happened during the last session, I’m convinced you’ve regressed. So I talked to Winonna, and she agreed that a thorough round of treatment sounds like just the thing you need. We’ll hit those memories hard and make sure they’re gone for good this time.”
The air seems to have left the room. Did Grace tell Mama what she saw? With frantic eyes, I analyze her calmly chewing her roast. Unlikely. I know Mama, and if she knew she would have lost it the minute she found out.
Then where is this coming from? The panic attacks haven’t been bad at all lately. If anything, I’ve tried my hardest to be as normal and cheerful as possible around them so they wouldn’t suspect anything.
And then a terrible thought crawls into my heart. Mama doesn’t care about my panic attacks. She only cares about erasing Auden and everything he inspired in me. With Auden, I dreamed of following my passion for acting, of going to California. That’s what scared her. That’s what she wants gone. It was never really about him. These therapy sessions are a convenient guise to help her scrub out the facets of my personality that she doesn’t want. To wipe clean any thoughts of leaving Orchardview and the life she wants me to have.
Well, maybe I’m not going let that happen. I know who I am and what I want, and I’m not going to let Mama take that away from me. I stare down at my barely touched plate. Nausea roils in my stomach. It’s time to make a choice.
• • •
I look for Grace first thing on Monday.
We didn’t talk all weekend, both of us too stubborn to be the one to cave in and call, I guess. But I need her more than ever now.
She’s unloading books from her backpack into her locker. The sight of her makes my throat tighten with choked-back tears. I watch her for a moment before approaching.
Grace absently glances up as I walk over toward her, and her whole body stiffens. She crams the last two books in her locker, slams the door shut, and pivots on her heel in the opposite direction.
I rush after her. “Grace, wait.”
“Gotta get to class,” she says, shouldering her purse as she walks.
I grab her arm. “Can we talk?”
“I told you. I don’t want to discuss Auden and whatever the hell is going on.”
“I don’t want to talk about Auden either,” I say. “I just want to spend some time with you.”
She visibly softens, but it’s fleeting. She steels herself again. “I have class.”
“What about lunch, then?”
“I’m going out with Brad.”
This news makes me happy. “Things seem to be going really well between you two,” I offer.
“Yeah,” she says. “He’s amazing.”
“I’m happy for you, Grace. I really am.”
She doesn’t look at me. “I know. Thank you.”
“Look,” I say, softly. “I don’t want things to be weird between us. I want my friend back.”
“I’ll always be here, Shelby.”
We exchange a hesitant but genuine smile. I notch my head to the side. “Let’s get out of here. Ditch first period. We’ll go sit in the girls’ bathroom in L wing and gossip while we fix our makeup, like we used to when we were freshmen.”
Grace laughs. “Haven’t we gotten a little old for that?”
“Do I look like I’ve matured since fifteen to you?”
“A fair point.”
“Come on,” I say. “One last time. For me.”
Grace thinks I mean “one last time” until we are mature enough not to cut class hanging out in the girls’ bathroom. But I’m thinking of something a little more permanent.
One last hangout with my best friend before I leave Orchardview forever.
Chapter 23
I’m ready to talk.
That was all my text to Auden said. I wrote at least ten different versions before I sent it. I need to be face-to-face with Auden before I share my new revelation. Maybe I’ll take one look at him and realize precisely how absurd my plan seems. Maybe I’ll feel more sure than ever. Either way, I figured it best to stay vague.
It takes him a full, agonizing minute to respond. Can we talk in person? Where are you right now?
I’m at home, but Mama’s not going to let me out. It’s way too late.
It’s only 11.
I roll my eyes. Exactly. 11 p.m. on a school night. I bet Mama’s already in bed.
Can’t you make up a good reason to get out for a bit? You are an actress, after all.
I smirk. Give me a minute. I’ll see what I can do.
Instead of coming up with an excuse, I go into the bathroom to check how I look. It’s lame perhaps, but if there’s a chance I might see him, I want to freshen up. I’m wearing a hoodie and pajama pants, and this afternoon, I stress-picked off my mascara. I run a touch-up coat over my eyelashes and shake out my hair. Thankfully, it looks wavy and messy in the beachy sort of way, not the sloppy, been-in-a-bun-all-day way.
Before I change clothes, however, I need to see if I can even leave the house at this point without getting grounded for life.
As I thought, Mama and Blake have gone into their room. I can hear the muffled sounds of their TV show through the walls. I hesitate at her door, racking my brain for a reason I’d need to leave. I could try to just sneak out, though with the position of Mama’s bedroom, there’s no way she wouldn’t hear my car rev up and drive away.
My phone buzzes. Any luck?
I don’t dare. Can’t we just talk on the phone?
I’m coming to you, then. I’ve parked down the street. I’m walking to your house right now.
A bolt of electricity shoots through me. What??? I type.
I don’t care about rules anymore. I have to see you.
I rush into my room and pull the curtain aside. The streetlight casts a faint glow over our front yard. I can’t see anything other than bushes.
But then movement catches my eye. My phone buzzes with a text. I’m here. I’m coming up to the front door.
His tall outline materializes in the shadows, sending a flock of butterflies loose in my stomach.
Don’t go to the door!!
I wave at him. With my bedside lamp on, he can probably only see my silhouette in the window, but he veers in my direction. My pulse beats in my throat. I cast a quick glance around my room. Do I dare?
Come to the window.
Auden approaches. His features become more distinct in the faint light cast. He seems hopeful and nervous all at once, which is just how I feel.
I hold up a hand, telling him to wait. After giving a final peer down the hallway and determining that Mama and Blake are in their room to stay, I pull my bedroom door shut quietly and click the lock.
Auden waits for me right in front of the glass. As a kid, I was afraid of these windows. It’s so easy to take off the screen and crawl right into my room. At the moment, however, I’m pretty happy about it. Auden climbs in without so much as a creak.
&n
bsp; We stand face-to-face for a moment. Instead of launching into my carefully planned explanation of my feelings, all I can do is gaze into those eyes of his. They seem to go on forever. Dark and mysterious but somehow brimming with warmth.
I take in every detail of his face. And once again, my intuition tells me it doesn’t matter how much I remember. I know him now. And he knows me. The real me. It’s right, whether or not it makes any sense.
Something unspoken passes between us. We both feel it. With a shaky breath, Auden grips my arms.
“Will you come with me?”
The room seems to spin around us, and all I can do is nod.
Without another word, Auden takes my face in his hands and kisses me.
I’m free-falling in this thrilling, perfect kiss. His hand tangles in my hair and tilts me back to deepen the kiss. I’m caught up in the moment, but then he releases his grip and steps back.
I steady myself, breathing hard. My face is flushed with heat. “Why did you stop?”
He closes his eyes. “I want to savor this moment.”
I take him into my arms. It’s so right, being close to him like this. Like wind. Like sunlight. I press my cheek against his neck.
“Are you sure?” he whispers.
“I’m scared of leaving,” I admit. “But I can’t stay here anymore.”
He strokes my hair. “We’ll make it work. It won’t be easy, but we’ll have each other. And we’ll have our dreams. And one day, the world will know who we are.”
My eyes are closed. I can picture the vision he’s painting. I want it to be true. I want to believe that God or the Universe or whoever is out there will reward this leap of faith I’m taking by granting my greatest dream.
“What made you change your mind?” he asks, his breath soft on my face.
I almost hesitate because I don’t want him to freak out, but the words push to the surface. “Mama scheduled another therapy session.”
Auden steps back a little, eyes wide. “Are you serious?”
I nod, my throat tight, and he grips my arms. “I won’t let it happen. I won’t let them erase you.”
My heart blossoms in my chest like a rose. Auden understands. He sees the real me, and he wants to protect it. I’ve never felt safer.
“I love you, Shelby. With every piece of my soul.”
His words are summer rain on dry earth. This time, it’s me who moves in for the kiss. I need the feeling of his lips. I need to close the distance between our bodies entirely.
Passion mixes with adrenaline. Our kisses grow more urgent. Our hands grab at each other hungrily. Auden lifts me, his lips still on mine, and carries me to my bed. We sit on the edge of the bed, swimming in the fervor of the moment.
“We’ll never be apart again,” he says, in between kisses.
“Never,” I murmur.
His hands move along the curve of my hips, to my waist, up to my chest. He unzips my hoodie. I’m wearing a tank top underneath, but I pull back a little. I know we must have done this before, but it still feels new. I hesitate. Auden doesn’t seem to notice. He rolls my hoodie off my arms, and it drops to the floor. Then he takes off his own jacket, and it falls to the ground as well. He is now breathing harder, and his lips begin to travel down my neck. He lays me down on my pillow. My head spins. Auden’s hands canvass every inch of my body, and I can barely breathe. I push him back, gently but clearly.
Auden blinks, as if coming out of a fog. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I swallow. “I mean…this is all moving a little fast for me.”
He squeezes his eyes shut. “You’re right.” He sighs and runs his hand along my arm. “It’s just so wonderful to have you back like this, like the way it was before.”
I smile shyly. “It’s not that I wasn’t enjoying it.”
Auden brushes a hair from my eyes. “You can feel it, can’t you? When we’re like this? We have something special. Something so real. So pure.”
I nod, my heart skipping. His intensity of feeling still surprises me. I’ve never met anyone like him. Frankly, I didn’t think guys like him actually existed outside of movies and books.
“This feels familiar,” I say, glancing around my dark room. “You sneaking into my room to make out with me.”
Auden smiles. “It should.”
I suddenly realize the implication. I think about the way he touched me, and heat rushes to my face. In my mind, I am still a virgin, but that might not be the reality.
“Auden,” I say, my mouth dry. “Did we…Before, I mean, did we…?”
He studies my face, and then seems to understand. “No.”
I’m taken aback. “We didn’t?”
“You wanted to wait.”
“That surprises me,” I admit.
Auden sighs, stroking my arm again. “We might have. Eventually. If things hadn’t gone the way they did.”
I remember Karen’s words at the gas station. Not since last fall, when everything went crazy. Once again, the longing to remember the missing pieces of my memory pulls at me.
“It’s not that we haven’t gotten pretty close. But never all the way.”
“So I am still a virgin,” I say.
He gets a mischievous glint in his eye. “For now.”
“You’re trouble,” I say with a wink.
“What? You don’t trust me?”
“Not in the slightest. In fact, I’m going to sleep with one eye open from now on.”
I nestle into the warmth of his body, resting my head against his arm. He kisses my forehead, then sighs, tightening his grip around me.
“Are you?” I ask, after a moment. “A virgin, I mean.”
He purses his lips. “No. Don’t be mad.”
Even though I know it shouldn’t, hearing this confession stings. I try my best to seem nonchalant. “Actually, I assumed as much.” Then I give him a sidelong glance. “You’re too handsy to still be a virgin.”
“I only have hands for you,” he says, grinning.
“Whatever. I bet you’ve been with tons of girls.”
His expression turns serious. “I never felt for them even a fragment of what I feel for you. Even if you and I were never to be with each other in that way, I’d still choose you a thousand times over any one of them.”
His words are so lovely, it almost makes me ache. I kiss him hard on the cheek. He turns his face down to meet my lips. We fall back into the same tide of passion—ardent, like two wanderers in the desert who have found an oasis.
“Let’s go. Tonight,” Auden murmurs into the kiss.
“Hm?” I ask, still drunk on his sweetness.
“To California. Let’s go.”
I pull away. “Tonight?”
“Yeah. Why not?”
“I’m not even packed.”
“I can help you. What do you really need, anyway? A few sets of clothes, a toothbrush, and we’re on our way.”
It’s so reckless and so very Auden of him. “We haven’t made any arrangements. We don’t have money for gas and food or a place to stay once we get there.”
“We can figure that out as we go. Besides, you said your mother was taking you back to therapy. We have to go before that happens.”
“I know, but that’s not until this weekend—”
His eyes widen. “This weekend? I can’t wait that long.”
“Of course you can,” I say with an amused smile.
“I may die, Shelby.”
I roll my eyes. “Calm down, Romeo. Mama said we were leaving Thursday after school. I’ll need until then to be ready. But that’s only three days away.”
Auden presses a kiss to my forehead. “It will feel like three years, but it’ll be worth the wait.”
I gaze into his dark, beautiful eyes. “I think you�
��re right.”
He kisses me again. The sensation of his lips on my throat sends a surge of fire down my back, and I let out a shaky breath. Auden’s kisses move down to my collarbones.
A quiet bang, like the sound of a door closing in the hallway, makes us both jump. We stare wide eyed at one another.
“Mama,” I whisper, panicked.
Auden scrambles out of bed. “I’ll hide.”
“No,” I say, jumping up after him. “You have to leave. Right now!”
I rush to the window, and he helps me open it as carefully and quietly as we can. He’s about to climb through, when he hesitates.
“Will you call me tomorrow?” he asks.
“Of course I will.”
Auden’s gaze is filled with a mixture of desperation and hope. “Three days is a long time. You won’t change your mind in between now and then?”
“Impossible. Now go. Hurry.”
He kisses me one last time. “Three days,” he says.
The words send a thrill of nervous energy through my entire body. I echo him breathlessly. “Three days.”
Chapter 24
I float three feet above the ground. The sounds and smells of high school ebb and flow around me, but nothing touches me. In my heart, I’m already on my way to California, the wind in my face and the Pacific coastline cresting on the horizon in front of me.
As excited as I am, I also feel the weight of responsibility to say goodbye to Orchardview properly. I want to dig my fingers into this small-town earth one last time. I make a point to talk to everyone I can, even if it’s just exchanging a sentence or two. I thank my teachers after each class. I’ll remember this place. It may not be where I belong, but I won’t forget the memories I made here.
Then I get the idea to film it all. A moving snapshot of Orchardview High to keep with me when I feel homesick. As class historian, I can easily convince people that I’m working on a project for school. I wander the halls before school starts with my official video camera, taking in every detail and face and interaction I can.
Two of my friends from drama stand in a small cluster of people near the gym. As I approach, Bailey Perkins squeals and hides her face. “What are you filming for, Shelbs? I’m having a terrible hair day.”
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