“This is LouAnne. I’m going to give you one warning, and you’d better listen good. Right now, by calling her, you are in direct violation of Shelby’s restraining order.”
She shakes her head, glaring. “No. Not a chance. No, you listen to me. This ends now. Don’t call her. Don’t try to see her. And if you come within one hundred yards of her or this house, I will turn you in so fast, it’ll make your head spin. Because that would be in violation of your parole, wouldn’t it? Do you want to go back to prison, Auden?” She pauses for emphasis, and then sets her jaw.
“Stay away from my daughter.”
Chapter 26
The dream returns that night.
Once again, I’m surrounded by complete, suffocating darkness. And just as before, the only thing I can see is blue.
A small, round light appears in the blackness, moving gently in short waves, up and down, up and down. But it’s too high. Too close.
An awful sense of foreboding presses down over the entire scene. It’s all wrong. So wrong. So terrible and wrong. I scream, and then…the light is gone.
I wake with a start. I’m on my stomach, my face pressed into my pillow. I fight to draw in a breath. Only then do I realize I’m sobbing once again.
I push myself out of bed and out of my room. Almost by habit, I find my way to Mama’s chair. Wrapped in my blanket, I curl myself into a ball in the soft fold of leather. I squeeze my eyes shut and will myself to fall asleep. I need to sleep before I start thinking. If I start thinking, I’ll start crying again.
But it’s too late. Fresh tears burn my already dry, swollen eyes. I bury my face into the arm of the chair, my shoulders shaking with silent sobs.
I guess this is what happens when everything you thought you knew turns out to be a lie.
Mama finds me in her chair the next morning. Her hand gently shakes my shoulder. My face probably looks awful after a restless night of nightmares and crying, because her expression is soft.
“Oh, my Shelby girl.”
Her tenderness breaks the thin barrier holding back my emotions, and I start crying again even though my whole face hurts. Mama shushes me gently, stroking my head.
“I’ll call you in sick today,” she says, quietly. “You go on and get back in bed.”
I obey, even though I don’t want to be in my room. Lying in my bed, I’m open and vulnerable to more thoughts. Thoughts about that night here in my bed with him, in his arms, planning our future in California. But those starry memories are immediately marred by the dark reality. The accident that started all of this—my panic attacks, the lies, the erased memories—is because of Auden. And worse, an innocent man was killed in the crossfire. No wonder he tried so hard to hide it from me. No wonder he lied.
The thought makes me bury my face in my pillow and sob more. There’s nothing else to do. I’ve never felt so completely miserable in my entire life.
Later that morning, there’s a gentle knock at the door. Mama took the day off work to be here for me. Or to keep an eye on me and make sure I don’t run to Auden? She peeks her head in the door and sees that I’m awake.
“Brought you a little something,” she says. I’m not accustomed to this sweet tone in her voice. It seems like forever since she spoke to me that way.
She steps into my room and presents me with a huge fountain Dr Pepper from my favorite gas station. “A little medicine for what ails you.”
I smile weakly. “Thanks, Mama.”
She sets the drink on my nightstand and sits beside me. “Did you get a nap?” she asks, resting her hand on my leg.
I nod, even though it’s a lie.
“That’s good. When life hands you garbage, sleep it off. That’s what I always say.” She’s quiet for a moment, perhaps searching for the right words.
I stare at the condensation on the soda cup. A droplet slides down, like a tear.
“Look, Shelby, I know this isn’t easy. Heartbreak. Finding out that the person you love isn’t who they said they were. I’ve been there. It hurts like hell. But no storm lasts forever, you understand? You’ll get past this. Quicker than you’d think.”
She makes it sound so simple. I wish it were that simple. I’d give anything not to feel this way. Even now, knowing Auden lied to me, I’m tugged with the ache to see him. I tell myself that it’s because I want to confront him, but deep down, I know there’s more to it.
I stare at the ceiling for two solid hours that night before I accept that I’m not going to sleep any time soon. I can’t.
Auden went to jail for a hit-and-run that claimed the life of Edmund Drake. You were in the passenger seat when it happened.
The words repeat over and over, running mercilessly through my mind. And the more I think about it, the darker the places it takes me.
I was there. And we were arguing? What about? Is it possible that I somehow contributed to the accident? Am I complicit in Edmund Drake’s death?
The image of Sara Drake glaring at me on Tuesday in the halls burns like bile in my throat. My head feels like it’s being squeezed in a vise.
I don’t want to think about it anymore, but at the same time, I need to know more. I need to see everything in that folder. Mama will be asleep by now… Had she left the folder on the counter? I sit up slowly. My head throbs from spending almost two days in bed crying. I press my fingers to my temples. When it abates a little, I slip out of my room.
The kitchen is dark, and the ticking of the clock creates an ominous tension. But I can just make out the outline of a yellow manila folder on the counter. My hands go cold and clammy. Never has a simple folder filled me with more dread.
I touch the smooth paper. A simple flick of my wrist will reveal all of the information I require.
Panic swells within me. My mouth begins to water in that sickening feeling just before you vomit. If I read these articles, what’s to stop the panic from coming back? The PTSD? Everything I fought so hard to overcome? I can’t even think about the accident without nearly passing out. What will happen if I come face-to-face with hard facts and details?
I pull my hand away. I can’t do it. I need my strength—or what remains of it—now, more than ever.
And does it really matter how the accident happened exactly? A man was killed. And Auden has openly lied to me about it. That’s really all I need to know.
I go back to bed and manage to sleep until the early afternoon. I guess my body finally had enough. When I wake, I lie in bed, staring blankly. At least I’ve stopped crying. Maybe I finally ran out of tears. They’ve been replaced with a throbbing headache. After guzzling some Dr Pepper with a few Tylenol, I’m finally feeling good enough to rummage through the refrigerator for epic amounts of snack therapy.
Blake is sitting in his armchair, flipping through the newspaper. He looks up when I emerge, and a smile brightens his face. “Nice to see you up and about, Shelbs.”
I give him half a smile. “I need chocolate. And ice cream.”
He chuckles. “Help yourself, dear.”
I’ve just filled my arms with options when there’s a knock at the front door. Mama sweeps out of her room. “I’ll get it.”
I stack one more string cheese on my pile of treats when a familiar voice makes me freeze. I spin around.
Sure enough, Grace is standing in my doorway, carrying a large garment bag in one hand, a duffle bag in the other, and a big (and somewhat strained) smile on her face. Mama has a satisfied grin.
“Hey Shelbs,” Grace says, with a notch too much perkiness. “I’m here to get ready for homecoming with you.”
I almost drop the food I’m holding. “What?”
“Homecoming is tonight, remember? Dinner in Riverside? Kelly’s parents’ cabin after the dance?”
“I remember. I just can’t believe you think I’d still want to go.”
Grace shoot
s a quick “help” look to Mama, who takes over, planting her fists on her hips.
“We talked about this, Shelby. You can’t sit in your room crying forever. You need to get out of the house and get on with your life.”
“Fair enough,” I say, sharply. “But the fact is, I have been crying in my room for two days, and the last thing I feel like doing is going to homecoming.”
Grace’s shoulders sink. “I understand,” she says, her voice finally sounding normal again. “I really do. But I also agree with your mom. You need distraction right now. Come on. You know it’ll be fun. You can come back and cry in your room when it’s over. But tonight, allow yourself a few hours to get your mind off it all.”
I look back and forth, from her to Mama. It strikes me that while I am freshly processing the awful truth about Auden, it’s nothing new to them. And what’s more, they have seen me go through this mourning process once already. They want me to be happy, even if they are anxious for me to move on faster than I might be ready for.
“I don’t have a dress,” I say, offering a weak argument.
Grace gives the garment bag a little shake. “I brought one of my backups that I was planning to return. It’s really cute.”
“Well, I don’t have a date either. Obviously.”
Grace winks. “You’re going to make Cam Haler’s night.”
“Oh gosh…”
She squeezes my hand. “Please, Shelby? For me?”
And just like that, I crumble. Grace doesn’t need to hear me say the words to know I’m giving in. She lets out a happy little squeal. “We’re going to have so much fun!”
Chapter 27
Grace wasn’t wrong. Getting ready for homecoming with her is a blast. It’s like old times. Like when she would spend the night in middle school and we’d do elaborate makeovers on each other, getting dolled up like the Harajuku Girls and then testing our looks out on the shoppers at the grocery store, giggling like crazy.
Grace’s spare dress is gorgeous. It’s a flowy teal Grecian-style dress. Grace pulls my hair into a curled updo with a gold headband and applies shimmering eyeshadow to my eyelids.
She wears a daring red dress. The kind of dress that will probably make Brad Corbin’s eyes pop out of their sockets.
We stand side by side in the mirror, examining ourselves. Grace puts her arm around my waist. “Geez, we’re so hot.”
I smooth down my hair. “Not sure the boys can handle this.”
Like a hidden snake striking, I suddenly think of Auden. I wish he could see me all dressed up like this. I can almost imagine his reaction. No doubt it would be fairly dramatic and poetic. An involuntary smile tugs at my lips just thinking about it. But it’s followed by a crush of sadness. In a perfect world, Auden would be my date to homecoming. But the world isn’t perfect. It never will be.
I’m starting to worry that I’m going to carry this heartache with me all night, but leave it to Cam to cheer me up. When he arrives to pick me up, upon first seeing me, he falls to one knee and presses a hand to his heart.
“Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night.”
It’s such a quintessentially Cam moment. I roll my eyes, but I appreciate it. I have to admit, it’s nice to spend time with him again. He’s a lot of fun when he’s not shamelessly flirting with every girl in the group. Or maybe that’s partly why I don’t mind being his date. There’s no fear that he’s actually in love with me. It’s completely relaxed and casual.
In fact, as the evening wears on, “relaxed” is the perfect word to describe the whole event. How can you not be relaxed with the friends you’ve had since elementary school? We all know the same people, the same places, even the same inside jokes. We can reference something that happened seven years ago, and everyone understands. Hanging out with them is easy. And fun. And uncomplicated.
The only moment of discomfort comes when Cam finally insists on a slow dance. I’ve been successfully avoiding it so far, but when Aerosmith’s “Crazy” comes on, his brow sets with resolve.
“You have two choices, Seashell. You dance with me now, or I drag you by your pretty little strappy sandals onto the stage for a lip sync of this song.”
I sigh wearily. “Fine. I’ll dance.”
Cam dramatically kisses my hand, and we step out onto the dance floor, which is really just the gym with some balloons and tissue paper added. I put one hand on his shoulder and hold my other out for his. He raises an eyebrow. Placing my other hand on his shoulder, he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer.
“This is how we dance to Aerosmith,” he says in my ear, his breath tickling my neck.
My stomach clenches. It feels wrong to be in Cam’s arms like this. Like a betrayal.
“I wasn’t aware there was an instruction manual,” I say, deadpan.
Cam nods. “Very strict code, actually. For your information, when the song ends, I am obligated to spin you out, spin you back, dip you, and then kiss you on the lips.”
“If you even try it, you’re going to lose your front teeth.”
Cam laughs. “Oh, my sarcastic little Seashell.” He’s quiet for a moment. “It’s good to have you back.”
I squirm a little. “I didn’t go anywhere.”
He analyzes my face, then says, “Maybe not physically, but in your head. I don’t know what was going on, but I’m glad you are okay and it’s over now.”
Over now. The perfect phrasing, even if hearing him say it makes my heart sink. I rest my head on Cam’s shoulder to avoid his gaze as my eyes go wet with tears.
As the song ends, the DJ’s voice echoes through the gym. “And now we have a special request, made by a secret admirer, no less.”
The crowd ripples with cheers and excitement, but my heart stops a little. Auden?
“This one goes out to Grace Bellingham.”
The opening strains of some cheesy pop love song drift through the speakers, and I’m about to mentally bring Brad down a peg for his bad taste in music when I meet eyes with Grace.
Her face is ashen. I know that expression. It’s the same one she had when I picked her up on the night Mike Jasper took the wheels from Brad’s car.
I break away from Cam’s grip and run to her.
“It’s our song,” she says. Breath seems to be difficult for her. “He’s here. I know it.”
Brad glares at the DJ. “I’m going to find out where. Right now.”
I put my arm around Grace as Brad leaves. “We can go,” I say. “I’ll have Cam take us.”
Grace’s eyes are on Brad. For a long moment, she doesn’t say anything. And then, all at once, a look of steely determination settles on her face. She turns to me sharply. “No. I won’t let him do this. I won’t let Mike ruin my night. He doesn’t get to affect one more minute of my life.” She narrows her eyes. “I know where he is.” Then she grabs my hand. “Will you come with me, Shelbs?”
“Of course I will.”
We slip out of the dance quickly, before Brad can question Grace’s choice. Unlike the night of the bonfire, tonight the darkened school’s walkways are empty. I nervously check Grace out of the corner of my eye, but she’s not crying like I expected her to be. She’s calm and strong. The only time she stops her determined pace is to pull out her cell phone and open up the voice notes. She presses record and puts it back in her purse, leaving the top open. She meets my impressed gaze with a smile.
“Let’s do this.”
I recognize Mike Jasper’s tall frame as we round the corner of the auditorium. He’s sitting on one of the picnic tables near the track field. He looks older, more worn down. The last few years don’t seem to have been kind to him. When he sees Grace, the hopeful, almost desperate flash of love on his face reminds me of Auden, and it sends a cold chill over my whole body.
“Yo
u came,” he says.
Grace stops, several yards away. “I came to put a stop to this, Mike. It ends now. Tonight.”
He scoffs. “You don’t just end something like this. There are two people involved here, Grace. Two hearts.”
“Your heart isn’t my concern anymore. And it never will be again. I’ve taken out a more extensive restraining order against you. If you try to contact me in any way, if you get involved in my life in any way, I am going to turn you in. No hesitation this time.”
Mike’s eyes blaze. “You think I care about a piece of paper? That’s not going to stop me. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
His rage only enhances her perfect calm. A little smile comes to her lips. “Actually, I can. I’m not afraid of you anymore, Mike. Or your heart. That’s what I came here to say. To give you a warning to stay away. But even if you don’t, even that’s not my problem anymore. That’s for the police to deal with.” She slides her hand over her purse. “I’ve recorded this conversation, so it shouldn’t be difficult to convince them that you’re a threat to me.”
Mike stares at her, speechless. Grace takes my hand again. “Come on, Shelby. I’m done here.”
Without so much as a glance back, she turns and walks away. I can feel her pulse beating fast as we head back to the gym. Emotion unexpectedly chokes my throat.
“I’m so proud of you, Grace. You were amazing.”
Tears glisten on her eyes, in spite of the determined smile. “I’m not afraid anymore. I never will be again.”
For a moment, I envy her resolved strength. Grace has taken control of her life. And she didn’t have to run away to another state to do it. She simply made up her mind and stood her ground. Maybe I need to follow her example. Maybe I’ve been overthinking everything, as I always do.
Maybe the answers have been here in Orchardview all along.
• • •
We don’t make it to Kelly’s parents’ cabin. I’m not worried about Grace. She’s earned a perfect night, and truth is, that means her being alone with Brad Corbin. I talk Cam into bringing me home early. He drives me to my house and parks in the driveway. His tie rests undone around his neck, and I’m wearing his jacket to ward off the chill in the air. It’s a perfectly comfortable moment, so of course Cam goes and ruins that.
Remember Me Always Page 17