‘I’d appreciate it if you knocked rather than just coming in.’
‘Why?’ she asked.
‘Because it’s my house.’
She clutched her chest and screwed up her lips, giving her a pouty fish look. Not pleasant. ‘Fine. I’ll knock next time.’
‘Thank you. Can I have my key?’ I asked, holding out my hand.
‘I’ll give it to Jay; that’s probably best.’
‘He doesn’t live here anymore. He left four years ago. He’s living with Shelly and her parents in a converted barn. They have a bloody annexe!’ I shouted, exasperated.
‘Yes, and do you know why he’s living there?’ she replied, flustered beyond belief.
‘I have a pretty good idea.’
Her name is Shelley and she likes sucking cock.
‘He’s there because he can’t afford his own house. His money is coming to you to pay your mortgage,’ she sneered.
The eruption that was simmering from earlier was now spouting flames into the sky. She seemed to be forgetting that I used to be married to him and knew every detail of his finances. She also seemed to be forgetting that he pulled up in a new Mercedes three weeks ago when he last bothered to see the kids. ‘He’s not paying my mortgage. He’s providing for his children. It’s the least he can do because, God knows, he hardly sees them!’
‘He’s busy at the restaurant!’
Excuses. I’ve heard so many excuses. I’m tired of excuses.
‘Is his restaurant more important than his children?’ I asked. She stopped in front of me, dropping her stabbing fingers and losing the sneer. I’d hit a nerve and it was a big one.
‘I don’t want to argue with you, Gemma. I think a lot of you. Let’s just move on, shall we?’ She presented the key to me, which I took with a nod. ‘I’ll just take these up,’ she said as she dangled the bag of socks from her fingers.
Leaning against the sink, I looked out to the garden. The trampoline that Jay had put together was now leaning at a precarious angle. The little house where Theo kept all his dinosaurs out of the rain was peeling and worn looking, all visual representations of my relationship with Jay. I had more communication with Joyce than I did the father of my children.
I thought about Josh and the circus I would be bringing him into, the remnants of my marriage that wouldn’t go away. What new relationship stood a chance? I hated that doubts that were starting to creep in before I’d even arranged a first date at a time I should have been embracing the excitement and butterflies. Deep down, I knew the only way to overcome the niggles was to jump over them, ready to land on the other side with two steady feet.
I missed the old me, the one who wasn’t jaded or tired, cynical or distorted, the woman who grabbed life readily and wasn’t afraid to take chances or live in the moment. I missed the part of me that was carefree and fearless, spirited and daring. I wanted to seek her out, find her, whisper to her that she was going be fine because she is loved by many. I wanted the old me and the woman I’d become to meet so that I could nurture the woman I’d become to give her the guidance to return to herself.
I was ready to be ready.
I waited all day to send Josh a message. The kids went to bed with the usual routine of a bath followed by a story. I collapsed on the bed when they were finally quiet, the faint hum of their breathing providing secure background noise.
Me: Can you talk tonight?
Josh: Anytime is a good time
Me: I’m sorry
Josh: What are you sorry for?
Me: For putting blocks in the way
Me: Making excuses
Me: Listening to the doubt
Me: Pushing down the voices telling me it’s time
Josh: You don’t need to say sorry
Josh: I understand
Josh: You’ve been through a lot
Josh: More than I know, I’m sure
Me: Jay is having the kids at the weekend
Me: Would you like to meet up?
Me: Go for a meal or drink?
Me: No pressure…
Josh: Gem…
Josh: I’ve wanted this for weeks
Josh: No pressure…
Chapter 5
Gem
‘I’m going to kill him. Argh! He’s such a prick!’ My body was tense as I paced the living room, stopping only to glance at the clock. ‘It’s like he knew I was finally starting to get a life and he just had to fuck it up.’
‘Deep breaths,’ Abi replied.
‘No deep breaths. He’s just called to say he can’t have the kids tonight but he’s off tomorrow and will pick them up in the morning. That’s no good to me, Abi, unless early morning dates are a thing now.’
I kept my make up clean and simple and curled my long blonde hair so it fell in relaxed waves around my shoulders. I had ordered a new playsuit that I’d seen a celebrity wear on Instagram. I wondered if it would look as good on me as it did them, expecting to send it back when I saw how it highlighted my lumps and bumps in the mirror, but I was pleasantly surprised. It was a gorgeous, soft fabric, a tribal print, sleeveless, and the shorts sat just above my knee. Elle had helped me self-tan the day before and Abi had lent me a stack of gold bracelets that set it off perfectly; add the black heels that hadn’t seen the light of day since my hen night, and I was feeling beautiful. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt that way.
However, the good mood didn’t last long when fucknugget called.
‘Pack some toys and all the bits they need. Duvets, favourite teddies, Brandon’s blankie, put them both in the car and bring them here,’ Abi said calmly, like she knew this was going to happen. ‘I’ve filled the fridge with those little tiny pots of yoghurt and Jamie went and got a few books and games, so we’re all set.’ I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when she confirmed my thoughts that even my friends knew Jay was going to bail.
‘Do you know how much I love you?’ I cried.
‘I might.’
The kids seemed unaffected by the news that their daddy would not be collecting them for the night. Instead, they were overjoyed that they got to go on a sleepover adventure with Aunty Abi and Uncle Jamie. They packed their bags—with help from me—as I realised they were intent on taking pretty much everything from their bedroom. I sensitively suggested we kept the trampoline at home as we couldn’t fit it in the car.
When we arrived, Jamie had built a den between the sofa and chair with blankets kept in place with clothes pegs and big cushions for them to sink into. A bowl of popcorn and chocolate were sitting underneath waiting for them.
‘Will you be OK?’ I asked Brandon as he snuggled into me.
‘Yes, Mummy. Love you.’
‘I love you too, baby.’ Theo held out his arms and he walked into me, wrapping them around my waist. ‘Aunty Abi said if you need to talk to me about anything, you can just give me a call.’
‘Have a nice time, Mummy,’ he said as he played with my earring, twiddling the clear stone at the front. Jamie held his hands out to Brandon, lifted him up and carried him into the living room. I kissed Theo and watched as he excitedly followed behind them.
‘I’m nervous, Abi.’
‘What? No. No need. Remember, you’re a gorgeous, sexy woman who deserves some epic frolics before the menopause sets in.’
‘I’m twenty-seven,’ I choked out.
‘Everyone knows that two kids, a divorce and no sex for four years bring on an early menopause.’
‘You’re not helping.’
‘OK, let me see you.’ Abi held my arms out and stepped back. ‘Hair is resplendent. Boobage is working in that outfit.’ She looked me up and down, nodding her head in appreciation. ‘Heels he’d want you to keep on when in the throes, and legs that are pretty fucking amazing even for a short bird. You’ve got this. He won’t be able to resist. You’ll be fighting him off. If you don’t come back with a smile on your face, I’ll be searching for him. You deserve a bucket full of spunk anywhere but yo
ur vagina.’
‘Oh my God!’ I laughed.
‘Spunk is fine. Necessary even. But we don’t need any more babies. Get him to direct it to your boobs, arse, chest, neck or face, but not your vagina. Do you have any condoms?’ she started, patting herself down like she carried an unlimited supply. She probably bloody did.
‘I’m not going to be having sex tonight.’
‘You’re no fun.’
‘I’m classy, unlike you,’ I replied.
‘Classy, my tits, Gem Brown.’
‘Right, that’s enough. I’m calling an end to this. You need to lie down in a dark room and wait for me,’ Jamie said as he swatted Abi on her bum and kissed her hard on the mouth. I was pretty sure I was witnessing foreplay.
‘My bloody kids!’ I laughed. ‘What am I doing leaving them with you two? They’re going to come home traumatised. Or worse—warped!’
‘Don’t worry; we won’t get the sex swing out until they’re safely tucked up in bed,’ Jamie smirked as he wrapped his arms around Abi’s waist.
‘Jesus.’
‘He’s joking. Don’t worry; we’re responsible adults when we want to be. They’ll be fine. Text me to let me know you’re OK,’ Abi said as she broke free of Jamie and pulled me into a hug. ‘I hope it goes well for you. You deserve it more than anyone.’
Chapter 6
Gem
Could you die from an over-beating heart? Seriously, I could feel it thrumming beneath my chest. Fast and heavy like a finger repeatedly running down the full length of a piano.
This was a new feeling for me. I didn’t do anxiety or worry unless it was to do with my kids. I’d learnt that I couldn’t do anything to stop the inevitable from happening, so why waste my time worrying? Pacing the pavement in a side street just up from the restaurant where I had arranged to meet Josh was telling me that I was doing anxiety. I put my hand to my cheek, which was now flaming hot. Maybe it was embarrassment. Again, another new feeling for me. My embarrassment filter went askew after having two natural births. Lying with your legs akimbo, all sorts of things leaving your vagina, screaming obscenities and threatening the midwife with physical violence if she didn’t hurry it up gave me a new perspective. But there I was flushing hugely with embarrassment, vibrating weirdly with nerves and peering around the corner to catch a glimpse of the man I’d been chatting to on the internet for the last month.
What if he didn’t look anything like his pictures? He was hot in his pictures. Imagine the disappointment. I so wanted him to be hot. Maybe I could overlook looks and concentrate on how nice he seemed. And funny. He’d made me laugh and I hadn’t even met him. That was a good start, surely?
Oh Jesus, is that him? I’m pretty sure he’s wearing tracksuit bottoms and a shirt. Not a good look. Walk on. Don’t stop outside the restaurant. Walk on.
‘Are you Gem?’ A male voice asked as I quickly stood back from my peering spot, clutching the necklace that Abi, Elle and Kate had bought me for my birthday— a small rose gold bar that had the kids’ names stamped on each side. I nodded as he squeezed in behind me, peering over my shoulder with a smirk. ‘Who are you spying on?’
‘Oh my God, what are you doing?’ I laughed as I recognised Josh and realised that he had caught me trying to catch a glimpse of him.
For the record, he looked better than his pictures. I didn’t even know how that was physically possible.
‘Don’t worry; I did the same,’ he said as he pointed to the side street opposite. ‘I saw you from over there, and once I’d stopped laughing, I decided to call you out.’
‘Were you going to leave if I didn’t meet your aesthetic requirements?’ I smiled, raising an eyebrow for dramatic effect.
‘Were you?’ he asked with a smile.
Great smile. Heavenly. Oh fuck, he’s so out of my league.
‘Maybe.’
‘So what’s the assessment? Are you staying or going?’ he asked, standing back and outstretching his arms.
I started with looking at his feet. Navy suede with a brown lace. Possibly new. Great start. Navy chinos rolled up at ankle. Nice. His hands were now in his pockets and my heart did a full jump when I saw his thumbs curving on his hips. Hands always did it for me. He was wearing a light blue jacket that he had fastened with one button revealing a bright white T-shirt. All I could think was he does good laundry. Definitely some bonus points there. Then his face. His amazing face. A smile that could make a change of underwear necessary for any woman on the receiving end. A slight dimple in his cheek and a whole lot of stubble. Then his eyes; clear, brown, and insanely sexy crinkles I couldn’t stop looking at. He ruffled his dark hair with his hand and laughed but it was in slow motion replay and nothing was making sense anymore.
‘Have I lost you? Where have you gone?’ he laughed.
‘Staying. I’m staying,’ I replied, trancelike as I finally shifted my eyes from his and tried to collect myself. He cocked his head and narrowed his eyes playfully. ‘What’s wrong with me? I swear I’m not this weird normally. I’m kind of flustered. I’m…nervous. I don’t know why. I feel like I already know you,’ I said laughing.
‘I get it,’ he replied. I believed him. There was something magical about meeting someone for the first time but knowing that I didn’t have to go into every deepest, darkest depth of my story or the traumas that I’d been through before. He already knew the bare bones of my story from the nights of chatting online; therefore, it felt like I was starting again, like I’d let all of the baggage loose and, piece by piece, it was slowly drifting away.
‘Shall we go? I’m ready for food,’ Josh said.
‘That would be great.’
He kept his hands in his pockets as we walked towards the restaurant. We occasionally caught each other’s glances, which caused rounds of nervous laughter and fast breaths.
‘Do you want to know my assessment?’ he asked as he held the door open for me. I squealed inside at his need to be gentlemanly. I’d forgotten what it was like, and it felt good. Really good.
‘Your assessment of me?’ He nodded and bit the corner of his lip, suppressing a laugh or a smile; I wasn’t sure which. ‘Well, you’ve stayed, so I’m guessing that’s a good sign.’
‘I watched you for a good five minutes. You give good leg. That shorty thing you’ve got on; worth staying just for that. I was so relieved that you were who you said you were that my insides may have done a happy dance.’ He highlighted the point by moving his hand in front of his stomach, the same stomach that appeared to be chipped out of the rock of gorgeousness.
‘A happy dance?’ I replied, widening my eyes and breaking into a laugh.
‘I went out with a woman who seemingly had number amnesia. She’d knocked at least twenty years off her age on her profile. I always get nervous after that experience.’
‘It’s quite comforting to know I’m not the only one with dating disasters,’ I replied.
‘I could write a book,’ he said before his eyes widened in horror and he held up his hands. ‘Not that I’ve been out with many. I mean, you’re not one of thousands, not by any stretch.’
‘It’s OK,’ I said, laughing. ‘I knew what you meant.’
He drew his hand across his forehead and laughed nervously. I handed him a drinks menu, which he took with a shy smile and nod. We stood by the bar side by side almost touching, so close to touching that when he turned to me, his eyes connected with mine and gave me a look so dangerously lustful that I was certain I could feel the early stirrings of an orgasm.
‘I didn’t say this before, but you look breathtaking,’ he said.
Oxygen, you appear to have left the room.
‘Shall we order some olives?’ Josh asked.
‘Oh God, no, I hate olives. They should be called oily little ovals of mashed up death.’
‘That’s a tad strong,’ Josh laughed, scrunching his face in mock contemplation.
‘How about something to share? If you want to. You can go for whatever. Gar
lic bread, chicken wings.’
Brain, I’m going to need you…don’t let me down now.
‘Sounds great,’ he smiled as I crumbled under the strain of it all. He was gorgeous and funny and somehow I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was all a big mistake and that Elle and Abi would suddenly jump out shouting: Surprise! We’ve hired Josh to build up your confidence in dating. He’s being paid by the hour, so wrap it up by eleven.
‘I feel like I know you but I don’t at the same time,’ I said. ‘Does that make sense?’
‘Totally. I know a lot about you considering we’ve never met before.’ He smiled. ‘For example, you like to eat chocolate in bed whilst watching a film, and I happen to know that film would probably be Dirty Dancing because, in your words, Patrick Swayze is a sex god.’
‘Was a sex god. May God rest his charismatic soul.’ I made the sign of the cross and kept my face straight, which encouraged the most amazing noise of laughter I’d ever heard in my life.
‘I also know that you have a love-hate relationship with Peppa Pig.’
‘Yeah. She can be a little bitch to George sometimes.’ Another bout of amazing laughter.
‘You prefer tea to coffee and have to start your day with a cup that has a least three sugars. You like baths rather than showers but showers often win for efficiency and getting the kids out the door on time. You like a clean, fresh bed and you’re anal about changing the sheets every Thursday. You collect perfume bottles. You once queued for three hours to get your hands on the latest Harry Potter book. You hate the feel of body cream on your skin. You have three best friends: Elle, who you’ve known since school, Abi who has a filthy mouth, and Kate who is travelling around Asia with her super hot, tattooed boyfriend.’
I was slightly in shock with the details he had memorised, which was backed up when I felt his finger under my chin lifting it up so that I could close my mouth again. ‘See, not strangers. We’re practically best friends,’ he smiled.
Let Me Be Your Last (Music and Letters Series Book 4) Page 4