Could you fall in love after one date? I was beginning to consider that as a possibility, and for me, it was huge.
‘You have no idea how much that means to me,’ I said.
He leant in and kissed me softly on the forehead, wiping my tears with his thumb as he did. We hadn’t shared our first kiss yet but there was something so intimate about what he had just done. I had such a strong compulsion to keep the connection that I held onto his hand that was resting on the side of my face and kissed his palm.
‘What was it about me that made you want to contact me?’ I asked tentatively.
His face softened. ‘There was something about your picture. I thought you were really cute. Obscenely cute. You had this look on your face that was so intriguing, like you had a million thoughts just dying to race out. Your hair was wavy and framed your face and shoulders, and I just wanted to run my hands through it.’ He moved closer and worked his hand to the back of my head. My hair pulled up with his grasp and all the nerve endings tingled and pulsed on his touch. ‘Your eyes are blue and that’s my favourite colour for eyes,’ he smiled as he moved closer, trailing his finger down my neck, causing me to bite the gasp escaping. ‘Your mouth was slightly open, like you were talking to someone and I wanted to know what you were saying. I needed to hear you speak.’ He traced his finger across my lip and pulled my face to meet him with his finger under my chin. Close. So close. ‘I thought about you for the rest of the day. I couldn’t get you out of my mind.’ We were a breath away from our lips meeting when suddenly a loud bang came from outside. His head dropped to my forehead and we stayed there panting, smiling and fully connected until he pulled back.
‘Don’t go anywhere. Please. Stay like this and I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to find our way back to this moment.’
Chapter 8
Gem
He couldn’t work out what had caused the noise. Whatever it was, I wanted to find it and poke it in the eye for ruining what would have been a deliciously epic first kiss. I could tell from the slight tick in his jaw that Josh felt the same way.
When he came back, he picked up his beanbag and dropped it closer to mine, and that’s how we found ourselves talking for the rest of the night; lying back with our arms behind our heads, talking freely, comfortably, and without holding anything back.
‘Don’t you think helium is weird?’ I asked.
‘And the most random question of the night goes to…’
‘No, look at that balloon.’ Right in the corner of the ceiling was a silver balloon flat against the roof, its little ribbon trailing down behind it. ‘It’s trying to escape, all pressed up against the ceiling but with nowhere to go. I think it’s really creepy.’
‘OK,’ he drew out sarcastically, so I slapped him on his leg.
‘The kids used to have these giant ones in the shape of robots. I swear to you when I went into their rooms at night to check on them, I nearly had a heart attack every time I saw the things. They were just hanging around like someone had entered the house. Creepy.’
‘Now I’m thinking about you all sad and alone as you try to batter the helium-filled burglars to death.’
‘That’s the thing I hate the most about being on my own; closing up the house at night and turning off all the lights. I tell the kids that monsters don’t exist and not to be afraid of the dark, but when the house is quiet and the lights are off, I run up those stairs faster than Usain bloody Bolt.’
He laughed as he turned to face me and rested his head on his hand. ‘When was the last time you were really happy, Gem?’ I had to think about it and didn’t answer him immediately. ‘It’s taking you that long to think? That’s pretty rubbish.’
‘My kids make me happy.’
‘Of course; that’s a given. I mean happy as in not you as a mum but as you, the fabulously wonderful Gem.’
I ignored his comment because I would have mounted him if I hadn’t, and it was genuinely hard for me to think of a time when I was happy that didn’t involve my children. ‘All I can think about are my kids. I was probably the happiest when I found out I was pregnant with Theo.’ I felt the sting of tears and started to panic. I didn’t want to do this, and I didn’t want to do this in front of Josh. ‘Shit. I don’t know where this has come from,’ I said, sitting up and wafting my hands manically in front of my face. ‘I’m not crying because of him or that I want him back or anything. It’s just my kids. They don’t deserve this.’
‘No, I understand.’ He held my hand and waited for me to calm my breathing.
‘It’s just he’s letting them down all the time and it breaks me. Sorry. My kids are worth more than that, you know?’
‘I know,’ he nodded. He understood, and that meant more than anything.
‘Can we move on from me?’ I laughed as I wiped my eyes. ‘What about you? When was the last time you were really happy?’
He replied without hesitation.
‘Now.’
We sat in silence, Josh holding my hand and me watching the balloon in the corner of the hall flat against the ceiling, wondering when the bloody fuck it would fall to the ground just to distract my thoughts. The music on Josh’s phone changed and he got up, turning it louder. The sounds of Ed Sheeran filled the hall, echoing and catching around the walls of the immense space. ‘Thinking Out Loud’ was one of my favourite songs.
‘Have you seen the music video?’ he asked as he walked over to me and held out his hand. I nodded as he pulled me up. ‘Where he’s dancing with a woman.’ Had I? The video had to be one of the sexiest things I had ever seen. ‘Want to recreate it?’
‘If we’re going to recreate it, you need to be over there and I need to be over here and we need to walk to each other in an insanely sexy way.’
‘OK,’ he coughed. We slowly walked towards each other, laughing, smiling coyly and then becoming serious when we finally met in the middle and his hand found the back of my head.
‘You need to circle me back into you,’ I whispered.
‘You’ve seen this video a lot, haven’t you?’ he smirked as I nodded and covered my face.
‘What makes you think that?’
‘Oh, you know, just the fact you know every fucking move.’
‘The music channels keep me company when the kids are in bed,’ I said, wincing at how tragic that sounded.
Twirling twice, I found my way back in his arms and noticed him looking down at my cleavage. I lifted his head with my finger under his chin to make him look straight at me. He laughed and mouthed sorry, not sorry. I laughed when he copied Ed’s move of placing his hand on his beating heart in time with the lyrics. My heart swelled when he held it up and I met it with mine, linking our fingers, feeling the heat before we swayed together, totally lost. ‘You’re good at this,’ he breathed. His voice had taken on a new octave, one that only I could hear. I felt his hand against my shoulder blades and I melted into him as he trailed his fingers down my back with the lightest of touches, like he was assessing how comfortable I was with this. I held him firmly to my body, every part of us connected, giving him no time for doubts.
‘You need to lift me. Ed picks her up and leans her back; it’s insanely hot. If we’re doing this, we need to put in the full effort. No half-hearted attempts and cop-out swaying.’
‘Cop-out swaying? How dare you. I’ve been told I have the grace of a flamingo.’
He lifted me up around his waist, my feet brushing against his behind and linking around him, trapping him to me, against me, with me. ‘Are flamingos known for their grace?’
‘They spend their days standing on one leg, so if that doesn’t say they have a whole heap of fucking grace, I don’t know what does.’
He pushed me back gently, a sexy smile on his face. Did he want me to feel his erection? Because I could. It had a pulse, its own circulation system. It felt so big it should have been a landmark. It probably had its own bloody postal code. Ignore it. Go with the dance. I dropped my arms behind my head and
slowly, ever so slowly, he pulled me up until his face was resting against the swell of my breasts and my golden hair was spilling around his shoulders. Gentleman Josh kissed my neck gently instead of the skin above my breasts, which were now pushing against him in fast bursts, matching the state of my breathing.
He put me down and my hands linked around his neck as we swayed slowly. I could feel his heart beating against mine, matching the rhythm, speeding up and slowing down before racing back up again. I gasped as his hand slipped down my waist to tentatively grip the flesh on the back of my thigh. ‘I want to do the guitar thing he does with her leg,’ he rasped.
‘I’m not the only one who has studied the video,’ I panted as he bent down on his knees and pulled me with him. He gripped my ankle and pushed my leg up, stroking his hand down my skin in the motion of playing the guitar. We both laughed as we took each other in. His crinkly eyes that shone bright and deep. His mouth that curved into a small smile. I held his face until I could feel his shallow breaths against my cheek. ‘Fuck, I want to kiss you,’ he said, his mouth creeping into a bigger smile. I leant in, prompting him to meet me until our lips were crashing together fiercely, pulling me to him and pushing me away until I couldn’t do anything but go back or I wouldn’t be able to breathe again. This was desire I hadn’t experienced before. I needed him. I needed everything about him and I couldn’t let go, not now, not ever.
‘It’s scary to think I only met you a few hours ago and I feel like I’ve known you my whole life,’ he said, still holding my head in his hands.
‘I know. I’m petrified,’ I smiled as he kissed the sensitive skin beneath my ear.
‘Can I see you again?’
‘That’s such a ridiculous question,’ I laughed as he held me tighter.
‘I’ll take anything. A date once a month, once a year; I don’t care. I need to see you again.’
‘I know,’ I replied as my skin prickled with goosebumps from his words, knowing he understood that this wasn’t going to be uncomplicated dating. Knowing that he would need to work around me and my children. But that intense fire to see each other again was burning brightly.
‘You do?’
Yes, I do. My God, I do.
‘Yes,’ I smiled as he kissed my neck. ‘But, Josh.’ He nodded against my shoulder as I looked at the clock on the wall and my heart fell. ‘Somehow, it’s seven in the morning and I’m going to need to get my kids.’
Chapter 9
Gem
‘This is me,’ I said as he pulled over. We sat in silence, glancing at each other and laughing lightly like this all seemed too unreal and the moment we left each other, the bubble would burst and we would never see each other again.
Like a dream. The best dream.
‘I’ll walk you to your door,’ he said.
‘Hold on. Can we just stay here another minute?’
He nodded and turned off the engine. ‘I sense a serious talk. Your nose is twitching.’
‘I’m just thinking about reality. I don’t want you to think that this is going to be easy, that I can drop everything and see you. Last night gave you a false picture. I can’t stay out all night. The kids are always going to be my priority. I’m their mum. I’m all they’ve got.’ I took a deep breath, unable to look at him. ‘But I want to see you again. So much.’
‘I know the reality of this,’ he said, ‘and I’m fine with it. I wouldn’t have got involved if I didn’t understand your situation.’ He held my hand. ‘Come here.’ He moved in and kissed me so delicately I almost lost a breath. ‘Don’t think about it too much; you’ll start doubting everything, and there’s no need to.’
‘I’ve rolled my eyes so many times tonight. I can’t help myself. It’s like I have this automatic need to sniff out the bullshit.’
‘I’ve noticed,’ he smiled.
‘Sorry, I just get a bit cynical sometimes.’
‘Understandable.’
‘I’ve had a great night slash early morning,’ I said. Finally, his smile flashed through his eyes.
‘The best night slash early morning,’ he repeated.
I opened the car door and Josh waited for me to get out. We walked up the path of my house, and despite trying hard not to let it happen, doubt pierced through the bubble of everything that was still feeling so good. I chose to ignore it until Josh had left because I was unsure if this date was something I had been imagining and soon I’d find myself alone in my bedroom, dripping in sweat and screaming when I realised this was all a dream.
‘I would,’ we both said, ‘really like,’ we both repeated, laughing.
‘Can we arrange something? I could try to get someone to watch the kids for me.’
‘Try,’ he replied, leaning in. I moved closer, feeling him, hearing his sharp breaths, but I turned away quickly when I heard a car door slam.
‘Where the fuck are my kids, Gem?’ Jay shouted as he walked up the path.
‘What?’ I asked, unable to make sense of why Jay looked like he was about to huff and puff and blow my house down.
‘I asked where the kids are.’
‘They’re with Abi and Jamie,’ I replied, looking over to Josh, who had taken a good step back, obviously realising that he was meeting my ex-husband.
‘I came over last night and you weren’t here. I came to get the kids after I got off work early but no one had a fucking clue where they were!’
‘Hold on,’ Josh said, putting his hand on my back, a gesture that wasn’t missed by Jay.
‘Don’t tell me to hold on, mate. I have every right to know where my kids are.’ He looked back at me. ‘Have you been out with him all night?’ He threw his head in Josh’s direction.
‘It’s got nothing to do with you,’ I replied.
‘It’s got everything to do with me. You should be at home with your children, Gem, not out all night like some slut!’
‘Don’t call her that!’ Josh said, his brow furrowing as he stepped forward. I pulled him back by his arm.
‘You know she has two kids, right? Two kids that she’s left with her mate, the one who’s a fucking lunatic!’
‘Are you talking about Abi?’ I asked as I stood between the two of them. ‘You’d better not be talking about Abi. She’s done more for me in the last few years than you ever have.’
‘Here we go.’
‘The kids are with Abi because you let them down. Again! You were supposed to pick them up and have them for the weekend, which is why I arranged to go out on a date. The first amazing date I’ve been on in years, so don’t call me a slut!’
‘The first amazing date?’ Jay asked, holding his hands on his hips and turning decidedly red in the face. ‘You always fuck on an amazing date, Gem? It’s eight in the morning and you’re just arriving home.’
‘That’s none of your business,’ Josh exploded. I held him back by hanging on tighter to his hand.
‘My kids are my business.’
‘Then make them your business!’ I shouted, pushing Jay back until he lost his balance.
‘You should be with the kids, Gem. You’re their mother.’
I dropped my head and starting laughing in frustration. ‘I’m here. I’m the only one here. I didn’t walk away from them. Can’t you see? We should both be here. You and me, together as their parents. A unit. Not just me!’
Josh crossed his arms and held his mouth together tightly.
‘I’ll stay here while you go and get them,’ he said, taking a key out of his pocket and unlocking the front door. I looked on in disbelief, unable to do or say anything without causing more of a scene and frightening Josh away in the process. Josh looked over warily as Jay disappeared inside and I counted to ten as another person felt that it was their right to use a key to walk freely into my home.
‘I’m sorry about that,’ I said as Josh lifted his head, his arms still folded. I wiped away a tear with my palm and he followed it up with his fingers. ‘He frustrates me.’ I tried to smile to show him I really
was fine, but his face told me he thought anything but.
‘He still has a key?’ he asked quietly.
‘It’s a sore subject,’ I said, biting my lips to stop the shake.
He looked over to the front door that Jay had just let himself into and let out a frustrated sigh. ‘I’d better go. Leave you to it. He wants you to get the kids; I think that’s probably best.’
My heart dropped into my stomach as he backed away slowly. I counted his footsteps.
One.
Two.
Three.
Further away from me and the chaos that swirled around me.
His face crumpled and he rubbed the back of his head a few times before turning and getting back into his car without a second glance. Not even a small, half-hearted wave or a brief smile.
A part of me knew what would happen next.
A part of me kicked myself for believing that I could trust another man to stay around.
But who the hell would want to stay after witnessing that?
If I were him, I would run too.
Chapter 10
Josh
I hadn’t slept for four days. I couldn’t. Why should I be allowed the privilege of sleep? I was a prick. Not just any old prick. A dirty, rotten fuck of a prick.
I checked my phone. Again. Torturing myself was a habit I was slipping into easily. Thank God I wasn’t at work this week, the half-term holiday offering a chance for me to wallow in self-pity before I had to face the reality of life again.
Four days.
I finally got out of bed and checked the fridge. I needed to go shopping. Christ, I couldn’t face that. Takeaway would have to do. I searched the draws for a menu that had come through the door but gave up, reaching for my phone when I couldn’t find one quickly enough. Why did we need menus anyway? I could do everything on my phone: order a curry, download some music, watch a movie trailer, ignore the woman of my dreams…
Gem: Talk to me
It was like a stab to my gut. Every text message had been painful.
Saturday night had to have been the best night of my life. That description felt small to how monumental it had been. I’d never felt such an immediate connection to another person. A pull. A tie. An interconnection. Not even the woman I had asked to marry me had made me feel that way.
Let Me Be Your Last (Music and Letters Series Book 4) Page 7