‘What are you thinking?’ she asked as I pushed her unbuttoned shirt down her arms. My touch was soft but purposeful and the gasp she pushed against my neck was enough to start the thrum of tension running through my cock. All I could think of were single words.
Heavenly.
Celestial.
Otherworldly.
All her. The woman I was falling for. Falling didn’t come close to describing this. I was doing more than falling. I was confidently diving with my arms stretched above my head in a perfect pose to hit the water.
‘Are you with me?’ she laughed as my focus came back to her face, her lovely face. Thoughts resurged with what did I do to fucking deserve her?
‘I was thinking you were meant to be mine,’ I replied, lifting her arms and tracing my hands down her sides to her waist, feeling her smooth skin, smiling as she wriggled when I reached her ticklish spots. Finally, I pulled her top from her trousers and lifted it over her head.
She dropped her arms and placed them back on my shoulders, tracing the dip of my bones. She placed her thumb there, stroking the curve. ‘I believe you,’ she replied, her breathing coming in short bursts. I reached around, unclasping her bra and lightly lifting it from her shoulders and down her arms. She instinctively held her hands across her breasts and, briefly, I lost contact with her. She’d gone, anxiety replacing her confidence in the moment we were sharing. The connection was fading and I didn’t want that. She was perfect; I had to let her know that she was perfect. I took her hands and slowly moved them away from her body, opening her way back to me. She protested through a shy smile and dropped her eyes, but I carried on gently pulling her arms away from her.
‘Don’t hide yourself from me,’ I said as I cupped her cheek and lifted her head. She looked up at me and bit her lip. ‘You’re beautiful, Gem. You have to know that.’
She closed her eyes and squeezed her lip between her teeth. ‘Thank you,’ she replied, her words shaky. She was so perfect, so fucking perfect. Who had told her that she wasn’t? Why did she feel she needed to cover herself from me? She was flawless.
‘I need you to know something,’ she whispered as my thumbs stroked her cheeks, wiping away the single tear she had let go after trying so desperately to keep it together. ‘I’ve only been with one man. Jay’s the only one,’ she said. ‘And I don’t have the best body. I’m bigger than I used to be. My body has changed since—’
‘Your body is perfect,’ I said, kissing her softly and cutting her off before she could say any more. ‘You’re perfect.’ I kissed her nose. ‘And I want to see you.’ I started unbuttoning her jeans. Her breath hitched as I did. She clung to me, her fingers digging into my shoulders, her legs giving way slightly. I reached both hands inside the back of her jeans, her underwear against my hands as I cupped her behind. My cock was pressed against her and one small hand reached down, so tiny, so fucking delicate. She unhooked my belt and pulled my jeans apart with strength from those tiny fingers. I knew she was ready to take us to the next step. ‘I want to take you to bed,’ I moaned as she pulled my boxers halfway, trapping my erection against the band. She rubbed her thumb across the tip, spreading the moisture around the crown, looking at me with such raw emotion that I was ready to claim her as mine right there on the floor. But that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to spread her out on the bed, kiss her stomach, the back of her legs, all the places that I wanted to know so much better. She needed to be worshipped, her body adored, and I was the man who was going to do it for her, the man who would finally show her she was glorious.
We walked backwards as we were kissing, bumping the walls and knocking the pictures to the wrong angles. She smiled. She laughed and she gasped all the way to the bedroom. I was fucking feeling my way there; I didn’t want to break our kiss. I didn’t want to take my hands away from her skin. She yelped as the back of her legs backed into the soft covers of the bed. ‘Lie back,’ I said.
I watched as she lowered herself down, slowly remembering that she didn’t need to hide, removing her hands that were loosely strewn across her stomach until they were stretched out above her head. I knelt down and kissed my way along the places she tried to hide, loving all the parts of her that she considered imperfect. I traced my hand along her hipbone, dragging my fingers down, pulling apart the zip on her jeans and taking them off where they landed on the floor beside us. She was a small package of amazing. Everything about her was delicate. Her legs were the perfect shape. Her muscles were defined and her skin smooth. As I kissed her hip, I caught her cocoa butter scent. She was wearing white lace shorts, her lovely skin peeking through them. I leant down, kissing the inside of her thigh, working my way closer and closer, pulling the white lace to one side, lifting her leg against my shoulder. All I could hear was Gem. Her light sighs, her self-conscious gasps until they moved into something more powerful with every stroke of my tongue. I hated the restraint that she was showing me. I hated that she felt she had to keep still when she needed to work her hips against my mouth. I hated that her previous experience was leading her to dampen down her sexuality even though I knew she was coming undone beneath me. I loved hearing her become louder. I craved hearing her short whimpers. I felt the ache in my cock as she called my name the closer she reached her orgasm.
‘Josh…I’m close…I need to feel you.’
She laced her fingers through my hair and pulled me away from her pussy. She laughed as I reached back down and kissed her. Her arousal was still glistening on her skin, smeared from my mouth, and I wanted to carry on tasting her. I wanted to make this good for her. I felt an intense need to please her, a desperation that was bigger than my own urgency to release. Fuck, to see her lying back on the bed, her legs parted, her hair lying in soft waves around her. She was everything I wanted. She was fucking mine.
‘I’m never letting you go,’ I panted as I reached over, hovering above her as I held myself in place. ‘You were supposed to be mine. Always. We took a detour to get here, but we’re here now. This is how it will fucking be.’
‘Don’t let me go,’ she replied, snaking her hands around my neck and pulling me towards her mouth. Her lips opened for me, our tongues meeting until we were back on the chase, our tongues colliding. I couldn’t get enough.
Her hands fumbled with my jeans, already spread open. She was trying to push them down but I was in the wrong position. I leant back and she followed me, her upper body pushing off the bed, her breasts against my chest. I took one in my mouth, licking her pebbled nipple and getting off on the moan it caused. Her breasts were full and luscious and I needed them against me. I needed to watch them bounce softly and the nipples peak harshly as she came. I needed to be inside her. I needed that right fucking now.
‘Look at what you do to me,’ I said as I shook off my jeans. She reached again for my cock already hard and started fisting it, smiling as she showed me her playful side, her sexual side. I had never been so turned on in the whole of my life. ‘Fuck, I need to be inside you. Now.’ I placed my hand on her breastbone and gently pushed her back on the bed. ‘You and me, Gem. This is it. This is how I want us. Together. I need you,’ I panted. ‘I miss you. I can’t live without you.’ She nodded at everything that was spilling from my mouth. Words. Prayers. Heartfelt pleas. I held myself in place above her. She smiled and we studied each other, taking every inch of each other in. Her eyes filled with tears but she didn’t cry. It wasn’t a look of sadness or regret; it was a look of something more. Not lust or being lost in the moment. It was adoration. Complete adoration for her and for me and for what we were finally doing together. We were feeling the stirrings of what could only be described as deep-seated love.
I thought I had felt love before, but as she reached for me and I kissed her palm, I knew that everything before was nothing compared to this.
‘I want to look after you. I want to give you everything you deserve,’ I rasped, trying to hold it all together.
‘You already do. You’ve given me so much,�
�� she said as I moved her tiny hips, bringing her closer to me. I took a condom from the pocket of my jeans on the floor, rolled it with shaky hands down my cock and held my tip against her. ‘When we do this again, I want to see that look you’re giving me right now. Every fucking time.’
‘What look?’ she moaned as her fingers reached down to position me against her, ready for me to enter her, ready for us to connect in the most intimate way.
‘Like you’ve finally found what you’ve been looking for.’
‘Hoping for.’
She circled her hands and held my cock at the base. I worked myself inside little by little until I was there. Fully fucking there. Jesus, this woman. She was opening herself to me piece by piece. I was seeing the Gem she had learned to hide, a sexual woman who had become lost. I wanted to find her. I wanted to break her open and free her. My name left her lips on a sob, gradual at first like she was holding back. I didn’t like that. I wanted her completely at ease. Free. My finger settled on the tiny bud of nerves, now hard and firm as I circled it. Her lip bite and deep breathing she was using to suppress her need transformed into something more, encouraging a shiver throughout her body so big and bold like she had suppressed it for years, waiting for me to unleash it. The small whispered whimpers became heavy sobs, uncontrolled and uninhibited.
Unrestricted and unrefined.
Rampant, wild and intemperate.
I was guiding her through the moment, one that we had been chasing for so long.
We both moaned.
We both stilled.
We breathed together.
We both fucking fell.
She was mine now; there was no going back.
Chapter 34
Gem
‘I knew this was going to become something more when Theo told me about your yo-yo lunch club,’ I said, tracing the skin next to his lovely eyes.
‘I’m sorry,’ he laughed. ‘You knew you wanted more when you realised I had a flair for walking the dog yo-yo style.’
‘I just thought it was adorable. And cute.’ I smiled as he pushed the loose hair behind my ear. ‘Theo had been asking all week for us to go and buy one but there wasn’t time and then he came home with yours. He loved it and you knew he would. You just knew. That’s why you sent it home with him, wasn’t it?’
‘He’s at yo-yo club every Wednesday lunchtime without fail. He really enjoys it. I gave him one of my spares so he could practise at home.’
His eyes drifted down my body and he looked at me like I was the most perfect creature in the world. Most of the time I believed him, but there were still times when I caught myself in the mirror and doubted myself for a second. I would go back to bed and he would kiss my stomach again, totally ignoring the silver lines of my stretch marks. All of the doubt would disappear through the open window in our bedroom. He made me feel worth it. Special. It had been years since I’d felt even a piece of that. How much more could this man give me?
He was lying on his side, his handsome face squashed against the pillow and his hand around my waist, tucking me closer to him. I had watched his hand splayed out against my hip as he rocked me to my third orgasm. His hand so slender but strong. The way he gripped my hip as he moaned out my name was the sexiest thing I had ever seen.
I could have stayed there forever, tucked in against his chest and feeling completely loved. It felt good to talk to him about my life. He was interested in hearing more about the kids. He laughed at my stories of the funny things they said and did, and how they looked after me as much as I looked after them. He told me about Theo at school. The pride he felt for my gorgeous boy shone through him when he talked about how Theo had mastered his joined up writing on his second attempt.
‘Your face lights up when you talk about your children,’ he said, stroking my shoulder with his fingers.
‘Like yours when you talk about the kids you teach,’ I said. ‘I can tell you get so much enjoyment out of your work.’
‘We did a writing exercise the other day. I asked them all to write a sentence about something special in their lives. I was expecting things like their tablets, a toy, maybe a fidget spinner,’ he smiled. ‘When I read Theo’s, he had written about you; drew a picture and everything. You had yellow hair and looked like you were wearing a picnic blanket, but I loved it.’
‘Really? Thank you for telling me,’ I whispered, looking up to him. The man who was giving me so much. ‘Can I see it?’
‘You’ll see it at parents’ evening. I’ll be making appointments next week,’ he smirked.
‘It’s going to be weird meeting you as Theo’s mummy,’ I said.
‘A little bit,’ he agreed. ‘Will Jay be coming with you?’ His voice was tentative, like he didn’t want to ask but really wanted to know the answer.
‘He doesn’t normally,’ I replied.
‘Such a shame,’ he deadpanned, shaking his head.
‘He’s their dad.’ I pushed him away to try to be jokey but I missed the contact and pulled him back to me immediately. ‘I have to ask him, but I doubt he’ll come.’
He thought for a second. ‘You said he was your only one.’ He wasn’t asking. It was a statement. ‘Did he ever make you feel good about yourself?’ I dropped my eyes to his chest. ‘I can tell by your face sometimes that you have to weigh up moments. You assess and evaluate. Sometimes I can tell you don’t believe me or think it’s real when I tell you how I feel. You tried to cover yourself until I told you that your body was beautiful. Was that because of Jay? What he did?’
I sat up, unable to think straight. There was a part of me that wanted to tell him everything, but there was another part that was telling me not to, that he would leave or look at me differently if I told him the truth about all of the puzzle pieces that made me when put together.
‘I want to help shift some of the weight off your shoulders. You’ve carried so much for so long; transfer some of it to me. Trust me. Hell, trust yourself, Gem.’ He planted a kiss on my bare shoulder.
‘I had issues with trust long before Jay.’
‘Your granddad,’ he replied, kissing my shoulder again. ‘Your dad.’
I nodded. ‘It’s hard to trust when the people you should love the most let you down. I see my dad sometimes. He lives near, but when we see each other, we pretend we’re strangers. I’ve seen him watching the kids at the park. His house isn’t far from there.’
‘He just stands and watches?’
‘I’ve seen him do it a few times. He tries to make it appear like he’s just casually walking past or waiting for someone, but I’ve seen him watching.’
‘Don’t you ever want to go over to him?’ he asked. He was stroking his fingers across my back and I didn’t want him to stop doing that, ever.
‘He has a family now. I assume they don’t know about me, so I’ve chosen to leave him alone. He has no right to walk into my life now. It’s too late.’
‘What about your mum?’ he asked. ‘Does she talk about him?’
‘Not really. I think she has the same issues as me. He was her first love but didn’t want to know. He said it would ruin his career to have a baby. He was cruel to her. I have no place in my life for cruel.’ I experienced cruel from my grandfather, who stepped in as the reluctant father figure. Josh smiled like he knew there was a story and wanted to encourage me to open up.
‘Tell me,’ he said, still tracing those wonderful circles across my back.
‘We went to live with my grandparents. He wasn’t always kind.’
‘What did he do to you?’ he asked, his voice a low whisper.
‘He only hit me once.’ His hand stilled for a second. ‘My grandma didn’t let it happen again. It was more about control for him. I think Mum getting pregnant turned everything up a notch. He felt that if he’d been stricter with her, she wouldn’t have got pregnant so young. Then it fell on me.’ I hadn’t talked about this in years because usually when I did, I would feel my body tensing or a headache would start righ
t above my eyebrows. Telling Josh made me feel the exact opposite. I felt a sense of relief. I felt so clearly that he would understand and wouldn’t judge.
‘How long did you stay there?’ he asked as I relaxed back onto the bed.
‘Mum was in and out for a few years. She had different relationships, and when they fell apart, she would come back. I think it was her escape. She knew my grandma would provide the love that I needed.’
‘You said she left him; that’s why she got her tattoo, to celebrate surviving the marriage,’ he said
‘Do you remember everything?’ I asked, smiling. He nodded and pulled me against him, his arm across my waist. I wasn’t even conscious anymore that, from this angle, my stomach was slightly round and the extra roll I had acquired when I became a mother was resting against his elbow. I wasn’t even concerned that my boobs were trying to make a break for it, and the feeling was fucking liberating. ‘She left him when I was sixteen. We moved into a tiny little terraced house. I shared a bed with my mum because Grandma only had two rooms. I met Jay when I was seventeen and we got our house when I was twenty.’
Josh kissed my forehead. ‘I feel privileged that after all that you’ve been through, I still get to be with you like this,’ he replied as I squeezed his arm against me. ‘I’ve seen your walls start to come down…little by little.’
‘I want to trust you,’ I admitted. ‘So much.’
‘What are you frightened of?’
‘Everything. Getting hurt. Being let down again. Putting my trust in the hands of another man.’
‘I won’t hurt you,’ he murmured, kissing me again.
He took my hand and we clasped our fingers together. It was a visual connection, a way for him to tell me that he wanted to give us a chance. ‘I can’t take away your past, but I can make your future so good, so full of everything that should have been good for you before. Eventually, you’ll forget the pain. You’ll heal and you’ll learn that you deserve it, because you do.’
Let Me Be Your Last (Music and Letters Series Book 4) Page 19