Why did I always feel like I was letting her go?
I didn’t sleep well for the rest of the week. I liked having her close to me, enjoyed the feeling of her sleeping against me, but the days rolled through to morning without a care for the emptiness I was feeling.
She’d let me in over the weekend, piece by tiny piece, but I wanted to know every part of her.
‘Josh, could I have a word, please?’ Mrs Hamilton, the head teacher was standing behind me in the staff room as I filled my locker.
‘Yeah, sure. Here?’
‘No, come to my office when you’re done.’ Oh fuck. This must be it. The moment I’ve been dreading but knew would come soon enough. Mrs Lee, the teacher I was covering for, the teacher who had broken her leg skiing, must have recovered and was now ready to return to school.
‘Hey, are you ready for me?’ I asked as I knocked on her open door.
‘Yes, sit down.’ She closed down her emails and turned in her swivel chair to face me.
‘Josh, we’ve been exceptionally happy with your work here. The kids love you; the parents adore you. I couldn’t have hoped for a better transition for the class when you joined us.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Mrs Lee isn’t recovering as well as she was hoping to and she’s just been told she needs an operation on her leg. Something ghastly about pins,’ she shuddered. ‘Anyway, I was hoping that you would agree to stay on until she returns. It’s likely to take you until the summer holidays.’
I couldn’t believe my luck. I fucking couldn’t believe my luck.
‘Yes, of course, yes,’ I replied, smiling as the news sunk in. This meant more time with Gem and more time in a school I was beginning to love.
‘To be perfectly honest, Josh, I really don’t want to let you go. If a permanent position were to come up, would you be open to considering applying for it?’
Permanent.
I hadn’t had a permanent position for years. Signing with an agency gave me the freedom to work where I wanted when I wanted. The pay was more than a permanent position, which had helped me to save for the future and to make my dreams of restoring a property more of a reality. Everything was focused on that, but things had changed. Gem had walked into my life and the focus was shifting.
‘Yes, I would be open to considering a permanent position,’ I replied.
‘I don’t have anything set in stone yet. I’ve heard a few rumours of people wanting to move on at the end of the term. The deadline for teachers to hand in their notice before the summer holidays is looming, so I should know more in the next week or so.’
‘I’d be grateful if you kept me updated.’
The morning bell rang as I collected some things I needed, but by the time I arrived in class, Gem had already dropped Theo off and he was hanging up his coat on his peg. ‘Good morning, Theo, how are you?’
‘I’m good. Mummy sent this.’
He handed me an envelope with Gem’s writing across the front. Inside was the return slip for parents’ evening, highlighting that the date and time were suitable for her. No mention of Theo’s father or if he would be attending. A small piece of paper folded across the middle was attached with a pink paperclip.
Missing your lovely face. Gem.
I was missing hers just as much.
Chapter 38
Gem
Why did my life always end up as some kind of disaster?
Elle always told me that I should write my life story. The tales of a difficult childhood, a failed marriage and a string of dating disasters would certainly become a bestseller. We had even made a list one night of the top awkward dates that I had been on once I joined Loveisintheair.com. There was the guy who overheard me telling Abi that I thought he had a strange stare in his photos. There was the time when a guy I was on a first date with started consistently spitting phlegm into a hanky—that was a hard limit for me—and there was the memorable experience of a guy who brought along a questionnaire for me to fill in asking about my preferences in the bedroom.
If you thought nothing would top those experiences for mortification value, you were wrong. Meeting my son’s teacher, the man who I was falling for, with my ex-husband in tow none the wiser would be a new level of mortification.
Jay arrived at the house ten minutes before I was due to leave for parents’ evening. He had never been to a parents’ evening before; he hadn’t even been to a Christmas play or to watch Theo play football. Nothing. Imagine my surprise when he said he wanted to come and meet with Theo’s teacher. Imagine my panic.
‘He loves his teacher, doesn’t he?’ Jay said as we approached the school gates. ‘He’s all he talks about. Mr Wood this and Mr Wood that.’ I detected a hint of jealousy. That wasn’t a good sign. If he was jealous of Josh’s relationship with Theo as a teacher, how the fuck would he be if he knew he was stepdad material?
‘Is that why you decided to come to Theo’s parents’ evening tonight?’
‘I want to see how he’s doing in school,’ he replied.
‘You’ve never been to one before. I’ve asked you every time and it’s always been no.’
‘I work, Gem.’ I’d heard that before, but he said it like I had forgotten that his job was his life and always with a strong hint of smug bastardness about it. ‘But I want to do more.’ He glanced at me and I was too shocked to look away. He rubbed his hand across his forehead like it was killing him to even hint he hadn’t been doing enough.
‘Why the change?’ I asked.
‘I’m their dad. They should idolise me, not their teacher,’ he shrugged.
Bingo. I was right. Jealousy was the foundation for his parenting lightning bolt.
He held the door open and skimmed his hand on my back as were told to go and sit at the table marked as Mr Wood’s class. I batted him off with my bag and smiled through my teeth as we sat down with other parents from Theo’s class. Theo’s workbooks had been left out for us to view before we met with Josh. I was nervous, so nervous that as I reached for Theo’s book, I knocked the others, sending them scattering across the floor. ‘Oh fuck. I mean sorry…sorry.’ The other parents looked at me in disgust and I wanted to collapse into a little tiny heap so that no one could see me.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ Jay asked as he removed his suit jacket, displaying his gold, gaudy watch, the total opposite of the watch porn that Elle and Abi had a penchant for.
‘Nothing. I’m fine.’
‘Mr Wood is running half an hour late. I’m very sorry. He’s proven himself to be a very popular teacher,’ Mrs Enders said cheerfully as she entered the hall and dropped down more workbooks.
Of course he has. I bet he was batting them off with a ruler.
‘This is nice, just the two of us. It hasn’t been like this for so long,’ Jay said as he picked up Theo’s maths workbook.
‘Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t it unusual for ex-husbands and wives to socialise with each other? Usually they’re plotting each other’s demise with meticulous detail,’ I replied as I scanned the hall for any signs of Josh.
‘You didn’t always feel that way about me,’ he said as he lifted my hand, gazing at my ring finger. ‘What did you do with your wedding ring?’
‘I sold it to cover the cost of Christmas about two years ago.’ I pulled my hand away from his grasp. ‘Thanks, we had a great time.’
‘Was that the year you invited me back to your bed?’
‘I didn’t invite you,’ I whisper-shouted. ‘We kind of…fell.’
‘I enjoyed falling into bed with you,’ he said against my ear. ‘I miss that about us. I miss you.’
‘What?’ I said, completely thrown as I balanced between sheer panic and utter confusion.
‘I’m just saying that sometimes I miss what we had. I question the choices I made.’
‘You’re fucking ridiculous. We’re at our son’s parents’ evening and you’re being fucking ridiculous.’
‘Don’t you ever wonder w
hat life would be like if we were still together?’ I laughed at his question, a high-pitched squeak before putting my hand over my mouth to stop myself. ‘Don’t laugh. I’m being serious. I think about it all the time.’
‘Stop.’
‘Just listen to me,’ he said, trying to take my hand again. ‘Am I too late to ask for another chance?’
‘Jay, you’re four years too late.’
‘Listen—’
‘No. You listen to me,’ I interrupted, pulling away. ‘Stop it.’ He looked around to see who had heard the humiliation of my rejection. A couple of people bowed their heads and suddenly looked totally engrossed in English workbooks. ‘I know you well enough to know you’re talking rubbish, so please just stop. You’re causing a scene and you’re not the one that will have to sift through the gossipy questions at the school gates tomorrow morning.”
‘We could be a family again. I know that’s what you want,’ he whispered through his false smile.
‘No, I want you to step up and be a father to them. Just because we aren’t together doesn’t mean you can forget about them.’
‘I don’t forget,’ he replied, the tick in his jaw flexing. ‘I’m trying.’
If my nerves weren’t not on edge enough, they certainly were after that. I smiled politely at a woman sitting across from us; she was head gossip girl along with Lydia. I knew I was fucked when I saw her get her mobile phone out of her bag and start texting furiously.
‘Look at this,’ Jay said, leaning over to show me Theo’s English workbook. ‘He’s drawn you as something special in his life.’ He started flicking through the pages as I remembered Josh telling me about this during our weekend away. ‘There’s absolutely nothing about me in here,’ he mumbled as he closed the book and threw it down on the table.
‘Are you kidding me?’
‘What?’ he asked as I stared back, wondering if his smug face would be under narcissistic prick in the dictionary instead of a written explanation.
I didn’t want to get into another argument, but I did want to avoid the stares. I got up and started walking around the school hall, looking at the various displays of children’s work on the wall. There were photographs of children doing various activities, and I smiled when I caught sight of Theo holding a football between his feet, Josh at his side and both of them holding up their arms in celebration like Theo had just scored a goal that won them the match.
‘Ms Brown, I’m ready for you now.’ A voice I knew so well that heightened all my senses instinctively made me turn around. Goosebumps erupted. I closed my arms around myself to stop the shiver that was tingling through my spine. Josh was standing behind me trying to stop himself from smiling but failing spectacularly. ‘The parents haven’t arrived for my last appointment, so I’ve caught up with myself.’ He stepped forward. ‘How are you?’ he whispered, reaching out to me.
‘You must be Mr Wood?’ Jay said, standing behind him. Josh’s face fell, his eyes widened and a slight blush reached his cheekbones. I suddenly needed fresh air and something to hold on to. I had neither, and that was becoming a problem.
Josh turned, and after a slight pause, he held out his hand. ‘Mr Brown, nice to see you again.’ They shook hands briskly, both of them staring at each other, sizing each other up but for totally different reasons. Jay was jealous of how much Theo talked about Josh, another man who was overtaking him in the pull for his affections even though it was unlikely that he would do anything about it. Josh, however, was making an assessment of the man that I used to call my husband, and from the look on his face, that wasn’t resting well with him.
‘You’re Theo’s football coach as well?’ Jay asked.
‘Yes, every Saturday morning,’ Josh replied. ‘I don’t think I’ve seen you there.’
‘Saturday’s a very busy day for me. I own a very successful restaurant.’
‘Good for you. Shall we go through?’
I followed behind the two men having some kind of pissing contest. Watching them side by side, I felt a rush of emotion that I couldn’t place. Maybe it wasn’t emotion; perhaps it was just the result of being absolutely terrified about how this would go.
‘Take a seat. They’re really small chairs to fit small legs but you get used to them,’ Josh said, his eyes finding mine. ‘First of all, I want to say what a pleasure it’s been teaching Theo for the last few months. He’s very bright and exceptionally funny. His lovely character makes him a very popular member of the class. He’s a real credit to.’ He stopped mid-sentence and looked from Jay to me as he gritted his teeth. ‘To you both.’
‘Thank you. He gets his brains from me,’ Jay replied with a smirk as Josh completely ignored him.
‘Theo is above average in all areas of the national standards. His maths skills are really coming on. He’s also very good at physical education. I know he enjoys that side of school, and obviously I can see that he’s a great little football player.’
Oh God, he was telling me my son’s maths skills were improving while at the same time, I could still feel him inside me. To top it all, I was flexing my thighs together in an attempt to cure the throb, all while sitting next to my ex-husband.
‘Are you the only male teacher here?’ Jay asked, completely ignoring everything that Josh was saying about Theo.
‘Yes,’ Jay replied. ‘Are you making a point, Mr Brown?’
‘No, I was just thinking it must be rare to get a male teacher in primary education.’
‘Not as rare as you might think,’ Josh replied, totally dismissing him.
‘Really? It just seems more like…’
‘Go on.’
‘Well, you know, more of a woman’s job.’ Jay folded his arms across his chest like he was waiting for the onslaught. He looked ridiculous on a tiny chair with his knees almost hitting his chin. Josh was looking at him like he was weighing up which area of his face he was going to punch first before he smiled, almost too politely, and laughed into his hand.
‘I’m sorry, what?’ Josh’s eyebrows shot up and he tipped his head in disbelief. ‘Did you really just say that?’
‘What are you doing?’ I asked Jay, slapping him on the arm with the back of my hand. ‘For Christ’s sake, you’re insulting him and, for that matter, you’re insulting me.’
‘How am I insulting you?’ Jay asked.
‘Your ignorance is insulting. Ignore him,’ I said, reaching for Josh before realising that I couldn’t.
‘I didn’t mean to cause any offence,’ Jay said, holding up his hands. ‘Theo talks about you all the time, so you must be doing something right.’
Cue fake smiles from both men.
‘It’s usual for children to talk about their teachers. At home, they may even roleplay being a teacher themselves. They spend a huge part of their lives with me, Mr Brown. I’m bound to have a positive influence.’ There was something behind that statement. Josh was staking his claim. Preparing Jay. Maybe there was something more personal in the look Josh was giving him. Maybe he was wondering what I ever saw in this man. As I listened to him speak, I was wondering the same thing. The guy had started to believe his own hype. He was wearing a diamanté encrusted gold watch, for Christ’s sake.
‘Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?’ Jay asked, scrunching his eyebrows together.
Fuck.
‘I don’t think so. Only when you collected Theo from school that one time,’ Josh replied.
‘What school did you go to?’
‘I didn’t go to school in Nottingham. I’m from Cornwall.’
‘Nice,’ Jay replied. ‘Whatever made you come here?’
‘I went to university here and really liked it.’ Josh replied, looking directly at me before continuing. ‘There are some amazing things in Nottingham.’
‘You do look familiar,’ Jay said, pressing a finger to his mouth in thought. ‘Have you been to Forest View, my restaurant?’
‘I wouldn’t have thought so,’ Josh said bluntly. ‘Back to Theo.�
�
‘You’re welcome anytime,’ Jay continued, eyeing him suspiciously. ‘I’m happy to give you a discount.’
‘That’s fine, thanks. Anyway. Back to Theo.’
Jay cocked his head and sat back on the tiny chair. It creaked beneath him and he jumped, losing his cool as he thought he was going to fall off.
‘Watch yourself there,’ Josh said. ‘I would hate for you to have accident.’
Chapter 39
Josh
What a fuckwit.
What an absolute fuckwit.
Aside from the fact he appeared to have zero interest in his son, he was also wearing what appeared to be Liberace’s favourite watch.
‘I’m sorry but I’m going to have to go,’ Jay said, getting up off the chair I was starting to wish he had broken his neck on.
‘Has something more important come up?’ I asked, unable to help myself.
He narrowed his eyes. ‘Work,’ he replied.
‘Well, I’m happy to talk to your ex-wife. I’m sure she’ll pass on any anything she feels you should know.’
‘You never know with my ex-wife.’
Gem bristled with his words but stilled herself. I could see that she had started counting to three in her head; her lips moved slightly through the numbers and she smiled as I gave her a quick nod showing her that I knew what she was doing to calm herself down.
1, 2, 3.
After Jay left, Gem immediately put her face into her hands. ‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know he was coming until today. I couldn’t warn you. That was awful. I’m so sorry. The way he spoke to you. Jesus…’
‘Don’t worry. It’s fine. It’s over.’
‘He was so rude,’ she muttered.
‘Don’t apologise for him.’
‘He never comes to these things. He’s never even been to a school play, but I think he’s jealous because Theo talks about you all the time. He just said he made a mistake and thinks about what life would have been like if we’d stayed together. He asked to try again, give him another chance.’
Let Me Be Your Last (Music and Letters Series Book 4) Page 21