by Kiki Swinson
This morning was no different. She had woken up with that same shit, so I split early. Straight to Mimi’s house is where I ran off to. There, I was able to unwind a little.
“I’m just so sick of Ruthie and her complaining. She sits around and reprimands me as if I’m not even looking for a job.” I sat on the living room couch with Mimi. At night, that same burnt orange couch rolled out into Mimi’s bed. Rolling a blunt, Mimi shook her head with sadness as I talked. This conversation was all too familiar to her. I had been coming over crying this same song for months now. And not much had changed besides the fact that, Ruthie had really lost her mind.
“Well, you know she ain’t gon’ stop. Shit, what else she got to do besides bitch and moan at you? The woman hates her job and her life.” Mimi continued to fill the swisher blunt, which, in my opinion, was about to overflow with weed.
I sighed. “I know, but I got to do something though, because this morning she once again threatened to put me out.”
“Don’t pay that shit no mind. She always says that.”
“I know, but this time was different. I guess it’s the way she said it. I’m telling you she means it this time. Sometimes I feel like she really just wants me gone anyway. It’s like she’s trying to drive me mad so I’ll leave.” I shook my head as a tear tried to slide down my face. Instead of allowing it to fall, I took in a deep breath and exhaled. Ruthie had never shown me the love that I knew a mother should give to her child. Lately, I was really starting to wonder if she loved me at all. Because all I felt like was a burden to her, a piece of junk in the house that was blocking her way.
Mimi stopped rolling her blunt. Her forehead displayed lines that looked scrunched up, as if she was in deep thought. Sometimes it felt like she was the only family I had. At least she loved me. No matter what. We had been friends since grade school and had always been there for each other.
“Look, you know I would invite you to stay here if there was any room. But this motherfucker packed. Shit, with Sheila, the kids, and me. Now she done moved Ronald’s ass up in here. It’s a damn fire-code violation. I swear, if the landlord finds out anyone else here, they gon’ throw her ass out. Soon as I can save some money, I’m outta here. But that’s hard to do since I’m always helping Sheila.” Sadly enough, everything she was saying was the truth. Mimi had been living with Sheila since ninth grade, when their mother got locked up for killing her abusive boyfriend. But back then it wasn’t so bad because Sheila only had two children. That had changed drastically over the past few years. Not only did they live in a two-bedroom small apartment, Sheila had six kids, a part-time job, and only made a buck over minimum wage. The whole situation was not the best. But the one thing they did have in the overcrowded apartment was love. That was one of the reasons why Mimi didn’t move when she started making money. She wanted to be sure Sheila and kids were good first.
“Don’t sweat it. I know you would help if you could. But it’s gon’ be a’ight. A job bound to come through soon. I got applications in all over the city. Until then, I’m just gon’ try my best to stay outta Ruthie’s sight.”
“That sounds easier said than done, but anything is possible. So what’s up with Kevon’s fine ass?” Now that was a conversation we could have. Hearing Kevon’s name dragged a smile out of me. “Damn, I guess that’s my answer.” Mimi started licking the sides of her blunt—without a doubt, the finishing touch. With Sheila and the kids gone, she was about to have the apartment lit up with smoke.
“He straight. Actually, he’s been keeping my mind off this craziness. . . .” A knock at the door caught us both off guard. “You expecting someone?”
“Nope. Look out the peephole and see who it is.” Mimi started fidgeting with the plastic sack the weed was in.
Stepping over the folded blanket and two pillows that Mimi had not put away, I placed my left eye to the peephole. At first, I couldn’t see because the person was pacing around, but finally he stood still. “Oh, that’s Devin.” Devin was Mimi’s ex-boyfriend whom she could not seem to shake. Deep down, he still cared about her a lot, so he could not let Mimi go. Anytime someone tried to hook up with Mimi, he would show up and start blocking. But he was cool people though and could be funny as hell.
“Let him in.” Mimi pulled the blunt from under her leg, where she was hiding it.
“Hey, Devin,” I spoke, soon as I opened the door.
“What’s up, Yazz? Damn, girl, it’s been a minute since I last saw you.”
“It has,” I agreed. We three used to hang out all the time when he and Mimi were in love. He never tripped about me being the third wheel. And I appreciated him for that. “You know I don’t do shit.”
“Nigga, why you ain’t call first?” Mimi broke our reunion.
“I told you yesterday I might come through and fuck wit ya.” Devin was nonchalant as usual. But Mimi knew why he was popping up unannounced. Really he was coming by to see who was there. He was still slick jealous of other dudes. Even though he tried hard to deny it.
“That was yesterday, this is today, Devin. You can’t just be popping up wheneva you want. You ain’t my man, so have some respect.” She sounded annoyed, but I knew it wouldn’t take long for her to get over it.
“Damn, Mimi, why you trippin’? You see what she put me through, Yazz?”
I just smiled. There was nothing I could do to rescue him from Mimi’s wrath. When she went there, only she could turn it off.
Shake my head at them was all I could do because they stayed arguing. Well, at least Mimi was always putting him in his place. They had love for each other; they just could not be in a relationship together.
“Whatever, Devin. Come on, let’s smoke this blunt.” Mimi pulled out a lighter, ready to blaze up. Just like that, they were cool again.
“Now, that is what I’m talkin’ ’bout, less arguing and more smoke.” Excited and anticipating the high he was about to experience, Devin rubbed his hands together.
“Mimi, I’m out, I’ll call you later.” I decided to bounce.
“See, you always running when it’s smoke time. I’m tellin’ you, this is exactly what you need to clear your head,” Mimi informed me, then inhaled the blunt.
“I’m sure you’re right.” I smiled. “But I’m good. I’ll hit you later. It was nice seeing you, Devin.”
“A’ight, Yazz,” Devin replied, then blew out smoke. The room was already clouded.
Closing the door behind me, I stepped out into the heat and headed back to the crib. My growling stomach confirmed how hungry I was. Ruthie was at work so there would be silence at home. And if I was really lucky, Rodney would be gone too. This time of day, he normally ran the streets nickel and diming. He swore he was getting money, but the real truth was he was a forty-year-old sack boy with no respect in the streets.
Sliding my key in the lock, I opened the door slowly and was greeted with cold air and the relaxing sound of quietness. I breathed a sigh of relief my prayers had been answered. The kitchen was my first stop. I opened up some oatmeal and popped it in the microwave for a minute, grabbed an unopened bag of Cheetos, and headed to my room. After I ate, my stomach calmed down and my blood sugar was back to normal. I reached on top of my dresser drawer and picked up two Vogue magazines. Lying across my bed, I started flipping the pages, checking out the designs. I loved clothes so much. Too bad they were out of my broke budget, but skimming through these magazines gave me hope. It also gave something to look forward to. And there was nothing wrong with that.
With a full stomach and some hope from the Vogue magazine, I was feeling good and energized. Then all of a sudden there was a BOOM. It sounded like someone had kicked my bedroom door off the hinges. Startled, I almost fall off my bed. Sitting up on the edge of the bed, I had been able to stop my fall. It was struggle at first, but eventually I gathered my composure. That was when I saw my door was not off the hinges but had indeed been kicked open.
Staring at me with a scowl on her face was Ruthie. “Whe
re the hell you been all day?” she screamed. The look on her face expressed that she had gone mad.
“Why?” I asked. I was still in shock over her unnecessary behavior. My heart was pounding. I held on to my chest.
“What? Why?” She stared at me as if I were missing an eye or something. “Because,” she screamed again. Spit flew out of her mouth across the room. “This is my house, and I asked your black ass a question. Now, where have you been all day?” Once again, she screamed. I was certain she had turned into a crazed woman. Hopefully it wasn’t drugs.
“I was at Mimi’s house.” This was the first time I had actually seen her loose in this way. It was making me a little nervous.
“Mimi’s house?” She acted as if that were unbelievable. “Is it a job at Mimi’s house? Because, if not, I don’t see why you would waste a full day over there. Have you ever seen me go down to the school parking lot and stand there all day? You know why? Because it don’t pay money.”
Now she was just saying stupid shit and being sarcastic to piss me off. “Ruthie, I have been looking for a job. Ain’t nobody hiring.” Sick of her craziness, I rolled my eyes at her.
“You can roll your eyes all you want. Your ass just being lazy and trifling,” she accused. The worst part was that she believed every word she said.
“I’m lazy. How you gon’ call me lazy? When all Rodney do is lay around on his ass, eat, sleep, and shit. And you don’t say one word.” Normally, I never cursed when talking to her, but I was fed up. Plain tired of being treated like an outsider in my own mother’s home.
“Listen, lil girl, you don’t worry about my man. He is my problem.” She stabbed herself in the chest while making her point. “Besides, he is good to me and makes me happy. And you should be happy that he has accepted you like you were his own daughter. Most men wouldn’t even put up with me because of you.”
Now she wanted to blame me for the lack of men in her life. “Don’t blame me if you could not keep a man. And Rodney’s bum ass is not my father,” I shot back in disgust. Every time she said that, I wanted to throw up.
For a moment, Ruthie stood still, staring at me as if she could not believe a word that had just come out of my mouth. Like she was the victim. That was a role that she loved to play. “Yazz, you’re as ungrateful today as you were the day you were born.” Without another word she left my room.
Her last words replayed in my mind like a tape recorder. I had no clue what they meant. But the look in her eyes said that they meant a lot. I was reaching down to grab the magazines that had fallen on the floor when all of a sudden Ruthie was in my doorway again.
“Do you ever wonder why you don’t have a father? Huh? Do you ever wonder why he’s not around?” The coldness on her face made me wonder if she really wanted me to answer that. In fact, I had wondered, even asked her once when I was four. And, with a blank look on her face, Ruthie hadn’t answered. So I’d never asked again.
“When I was sixteen . . .” She paused for a minute. She wore a calm look on her face. It made me feel uneasy, but I sat still, hoping she would go on. “When I was sixteen, I dated this guy named Clyde. We were inseparable and in love. Or at least that’s what I thought. No one could have told me different.” She smiled. But something about the smile was forced. “One day, he comes to me and says that he had lost a bet to his friend. . . .” She paused. “You know what? To this day, I have no idea what the bet was. He never said, and I didn’t ask. But Clyde needed my help, and all I wanted to do was help him. Anyway, he had lost a bet, and to pay the debt back he needed me to sleep with his friend. Now, at first I was like, hell no. I mean I was still a virgin. Clyde hadn’t even got lucky yet. But after a couple of days of Clyde begging and crying, I agreed to do it. It hurt that he would even ask me to do this for him, but just the same, I agreed.
“Couple of months later, my cycle don’t come, then the vomiting, and I knew I was pregnant. Scared, I went to Clyde’s house in tears. I was lost and didn’t know what to do. I told him I was pregnant, thinking he would help me in some way. Hmmph. Instead, he broke up with me and called me a thousand hos when he knew it was not true. I could not believe the words that came out of his mouth. How could he talk to me like that? When my mom found out, I begged her to let me have an abortion, but she said no. Said she didn’t believe in that. As time went by, I started to show so people knew, and when that happened, people started to talk. Well, Momma was a proud woman. She always had been. One day, she came home from work and told me I had to go. Just like that, she was done with me I could no longer live with her. I was horrified. Here I was, sixteen, six months pregnant, and nowhere to go. The only place for me then was the shelter, which turned out to be where I gave birth to you. After that, I worked hard and got us a place. I tried very hard to be happy and accept the fate that had been givin’ to me. But deep down, from the day my mother had kicked me out, I felt like I struggled to take care of a baby who had caused me to lose everything but by no means gave me anything in return. And to be honest, to this day that ain’t changed much. I’m not sure if I will ever feel any different.” She shrugged her shoulders and went silent. Like she was unhappy with what she’d had for dinner.
As I sat and listened to her story, I sympathized with her. But suddenly the point of her story sunk in and I understood. She did not love me, her own daughter, and that truth broke my heart. The thought broke me down where I sat. I had tried for years and fought very hard for my mother’s love. But now I knew, and one thing was very clear to me. She had never, nor would she ever be able to love me. The pit of my stomach was so sick with hurt it twisted in knots. I felt as if I would throw up everything that was inside me until my gut was empty. With both of my eyes clouded from tears, I could no longer see anything but spots. Those spots were actually Ruthie. Wiping those tears away with the back of my hand, I found the strength to stand. Full of anger, I burst out of the room, past Ruthie. Reaching the front door, I dared myself to look back. This part of my life that included my so-called mother, Ruthie, was done. I had never had a father. Now the same thing was true when it came to my mother. I no longer had one.
CHAPTER 4
After I left home, the streets became my refuge for a couple hours as I tried to clear my head. I needed to be alone for a minute. It was still hard for me to soak up and wrap my head around my mother’s story. The sun started to shift behind the clouds so the time came when I had to figure out where I really wanted to go. Mimi and Sheila would never turn me away if I didn’t have any place to go. But I felt like overcrowding them more than they already were would be selfish of me. So in the end I landed on Kevon’s doorstep. From the time he opened the door, he welcomed me with open arms. His hugs, kisses, and understanding were therapeutic. A couple of days blew by without me doing anything but lying around. The only thing that forced me out of the bed was the shower. I could barely eat; my appetite just didn’t seem to exist. Inside, I felt as if someone had died. But I knew there was no way a person could survive like this forever. I would have to brush myself off and move on. Ruthie had lost out. She was dead to me, and I was over it.
With my mind made up to get my life back, I climbed out of bed, took a hot shower, and grabbed one of the few outfits Kevon had brought for me. When I left Ruthie’s house, I’d left everything behind. At the time, getting out had been more important. And, at this moment, there was still no regret about that. This was my time to heal. Anything from that house would only trigger bad memories that were best forgotten. Kevon had gone out a few days before, since he could not convince me to get out of bed, and grabbed me a few things that I would need.
By the time I had decided to get dressed for the day, he had already left. In the kitchen, I threw a slice of toast in the Black and Decker toaster, drank a glass of Tropicana orange juice, and was out. The day went by fast as I hit several temp agencies, filling out more applications and talking to any human resources person who was available. When it got late, I decided to head back to Kevon’s condo
. Another shower was calling my name; today had been just as scorching hot as the days in the previous weeks. Kevon was still not home when I made it so I wasted no time jumping in the shower. He would be happy to see me up and moving around. Adjusting the shower knobs before climbing inside, I watched the water as it sprayed smoothly from the showerhead, the sound of it comforting. Ready to feel that sprinkle sensation all over my hot, tired body, I pulled at my clothes and allowed them to drop to the floor, then slipped into the shower. As the water sprayed all over my face, the feeling of it relaxed me, the sweat that had attacked me all day melting away. Turning in twist motions, my body soaked up the water. Kevon’s voice soared in the background as he called my name, announcing that he was home. I reached for the Dove bodywash and lathered myself all over. It felt great.
Climbing out of the shower, I felt refreshed, and as I reached for my dry-off towel, I caught a glimpse of my body in the mirror. Beautiful was the only way I could label it. I smiled; my tight skin and perky breasts were perfect. Thinking of Kevon caused my middle to tingle. We had not slept together yet. Not once had he pressured me in any way, but I was more than ready. After applying lotion to my entire body, I took hold of my silk bathrobe and slid it on.
Making my way to the kitchen, I found Kevon pulling plates from the cabinet.
“Kevon?” His name sounded sweet as it rolled off my tongue.
“Oh, hey.” He looked surprised to see me. “You finally got out of bed. Can I fix you something to eat? I brought all this food. I was going to fix you a plate and bring it up to you.” He pointed to the bags on the stove that said PETE’S SOUL FOOD. I had only eaten there once in my life, and the food was bomb. But right now my mind was not on food.
Without saying one word, I allowed my robe to drop to the floor, exposing my entire naked body. Kevon’s mouth dropped open as I walked slowly and seductively over to him. When I stood in front of him, a grin was the only thing I was wearing. Slowly, he reached out and pulled me close to him, and I instantly felt his hardness.