Kyra sighed loudly and crossed her arms as she slammed her back into her seat in a huff.
I couldn’t believe it. Were they seriously fighting over me? It was like I was a child whose divorced parents were both trying to win me over with gifts and exaggerated devotion. I shook my head feeling light-headed and flustered. “Okay, guys. Let’s just calm down a little bit. There’s no need to argue over…anything.” It was too weird to think it, much less say it.
Both Kyra and Patrick immediately bent toward me with apology written all over their faces as if they didn’t want me to think badly of them.
“Sorry, sweetie,” Kyra said, true contrition in her voice. “I’m sorry I upset you.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry too.” Patrick gazed at me remorsefully and put his hand on mine, sending tingles through my arm.
We had barely continued eating in awkward silence, which was at least better than arguing, when Kyra set down her fork and lifted her head. Her eyes were following something and were burdened with concern. It reminded me of how she looked before talking to the suicidal girl, so I wasn’t surprised when I whirled around to see a dark, overbearing figure attached to a girl who was trudging to a secluded table to sit alone. I was surprised, however, when the girl sat in a seat facing us. It was Claire.
Lexi noticed as well. “Why is Claire sitting all by herself? That’s odd, isn’t it?”
Kyra sighed. “She’s in my third hour art class. Today half the class was huddled together talking about her. When they asked her to her face, she confirmed that she’s pregnant. She obviously isn’t too excited about it.”
“Do you think she’s upset that people are talking about it or just the fact that she’s pregnant?” I asked.
“Probably both.”
I turned to peer at her again. The shadow hung on her back and shoulders heavily with its face next to her ear, and I could almost hear it whispering lies of shame and helplessness. Despite how badly Claire had treated me, I still felt sorry for her. That pity was then amplified when a twinge of guilt reminded me I hadn’t warned her about Mike when I knew he was up to no good.
Kyra started to get up, but Lexi grabbed her arm. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to go talk to her. She needs someone understanding to listen to her.”
I had to admire Kyra for her never-ending and non-discriminating compassion. Even though I pitied Claire, there was no way I would have gone to talk to her.
Patrick had glanced over at Claire with us but had continued eating, staying silent the whole time. He finally spoke up in a matter-of-fact tone of voice as his eyes remained focused on the French fry he began dipping into his ketchup. “I wouldn’t bother, Kyra. I’m pretty sure that’s a hopeless case there. No use trying.”
Kyra pressed her lips together and scrutinized him as he casually ate his French fry without looking up at her. Instead of retorting with some snide remark, though, she simply took a deep breath and exhaled with resolve before marching over to Claire.
A minute later, she returned, head hanging and slumped into her chair.
Patrick chuckled. “Told you so. She brought that guilt on herself. She’s not going to give it up so easily.”
Kyra raised her head and glared at him maliciously. “She’s still a person, and nobody deserves guilt like that.” She laughed cynically. “You know, you can laugh and blame Claire’s situation on her own actions all you want, but things like Iris’s sister having a miscarriage are unfair and unjust. Some tragedies in the world just shouldn’t happen at all.” Kyra stared pointedly at Patrick as though she blamed all the world’s catastrophes, including my sister’s miscarriage, on him.
Patrick drooped his head with the same weariness and oppression he unveiled earlier in the hallway. “I know.”
Kyra faltered, her cynicism and hatred immediately switching to astonishment. As she studied him, her eyes and mouth softened and her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. When she opened her mouth to say something, Patrick slid his chair back abruptly but not rudely, grabbed his things, and excused himself.
We all sat in stunned silence for a few seconds. Lexi stared at me as if I knew why he had suddenly left. Kyra stared in the direction Patrick had walked off with a curious but concerned expression.
“Well, that was weird,” Lexi eventually said, still examining me for an answer.
“I don’t know.” I was even more bewildered than her.
Only Kyra seemed to have any hint of understanding, but I could tell she wasn’t about to share anything with us. Instead, she decided to take the opportunity of his absence to tell me how she really felt, as if I couldn’t already tell. “Iris, I didn’t talk to you about this last night because…well, for obvious reasons. But I really don’t think Patrick is a good influence. In fact, I don’t think he’s a good guy at all.”
I stared at my food, suddenly bombarded and overwhelmed by the harsh clamor of the cafeteria. I had always trusted Kyra in everything. She would never lead me wrong. But I just couldn’t believe Patrick was a bad guy. If he were truly that bad, I, of all people, would be able to see it.
I shook my head stubbornly, still staring at my tray. “No…no, he can’t be a bad guy. I’ve known him for three weeks now.” I peeked up at Kyra and caught the disappointed apology in her eyes again. “Besides,” I continued, turning away, “you barely know him.”
I had no reason not to believe my last assertion as neither Kyra nor Patrick had told me otherwise, but the moment it left my mouth, it sounded false.
I hesitated. “You don’t…right?”
“Of course not.” Kyra lightly shook her head, dismissing the notion as if it were not even worth her time. “But that’s beside the point. I can sense these things. I can just tell he’s bad news, especially for you.”
The hair on my arms stood on end like a provoked animal. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Kyra paused and sighed in an effort to be patient. “I just don’t think he’s the type of guy you want to get involved with.”
“We’re not involved. There’s nothing between us…honestly!” It was a replay of yesterday’s conversation with Josh, defending myself against something undeniably true but that I obstinately refused to admit—at least to others.
Kyra eyed me with raised eyebrows and a smirk that implied no one, much less me, could sit with Patrick in class for three weeks and not get involved.
I glanced at Lexi for support, but she just shrugged passively and remained silent like Nicole had when I’d talked with Josh, not wanting to take sides. After coming to the sad realization that the only one who was willing to defend Patrick was ironically my ex, I barked, “Whatever. You can think whatever you want, but I’m not going to be rude and tell Patrick I can’t talk to him or that he can’t sit with us anymore.” I stubbornly picked up my tray and stood up to leave as lunch was almost over anyway. “If you’re really my friend, you’ll respect my decision.”
Kyra sighed pitifully and lowered her head with the dejected expression of a mother helplessly watching her eighteen-year-old daughter move in with her depraved boyfriend. I felt sorry for her, wishing I could take back at least my tone.
I pivoted back as she raised her head to speak in a tired voice that didn’t seem to fit her age. “Fine. I can’t lie and say I agree with your decision. Or that I’ll stop telling you how I feel.” She lifted her head and tried to smile. “But I won’t leave you. I’ll stay by your side as long as you let me.”
The next two weeks, Patrick and Kyra both kept their word of staying by my side. As they learned to deal with each other and not fight, lunch gradually became less and less like a perplexing, awkward nightmare and more and more like a familiar circle of solace. Lexi was my past constant, Kyra was my present comfort, and Patrick was my future fantasy.
Kyra also kept her word about continuing to voice her opinion. Several times when Patrick wasn’t around, most often during first hour, she would persist in arguing that Patrick wasn’t
good for me and that it would end up badly. I would persist in arguing that he was a good guy and that she should just accept the fact we were friends.
Lexi always kept her mouth shut during these debates, but I could tell she didn’t agree with Kyra. She was always elated when Patrick and I showed up at lunch together, laughed at Patrick’s jokes, and eagerly joined in our conversations. It was obvious she enjoyed his company.
Mr. Delaney, on the other hand, surprisingly made his opinion known after overhearing one of our arguments in class. He admitted that he didn’t know the whole story and normally didn’t get involved in student affairs but that he was a good judge of character and could tell Patrick was a bad seed.
I was shocked that even my teacher would bother to warn me about Patrick. But I couldn’t believe it. What was honestly so bad about a nice guy who was there for me and obviously cared about me?
During those few weeks after my sister’s miscarriage, he had always been there to talk to, whether in class, at lunch, or on the phone. He was constantly wanting to know how I was doing and wanting updates on my sister and family.
Kyra, of course, did the same thing, but when Patrick and I talked, I was unexplainably drawn to him as we became more and more intimate. I could talk to him about anything, and he would listen and say exactly what I needed to hear. He became as much of a friend to me as Kyra, and I virtually idolized him. Still, with every talk, every look, and every touch, I wanted more.
The Monday before Thanksgiving break, I caught a clip of a conversation in Science while eavesdropping that finally rocked the perfect pedestal on which I had placed Patrick but didn’t quite succeed in knocking him off.
“So, what are his parties like?” I had my back to the male voice as I stood at the door with the rest of the herd waiting for the bell to ring, but my ears perked up when Josh replied.
“They’re pretty cool actually. You should come next time. He’ll probably have another one over the break since his dad will be out of town again.”
“Do you think he’d mind? I don’t even know him.”
“Nah. Patrick doesn’t care. Just tell him…”
The bell blared over the intercom, drowning out Josh’s voice and cutting short their conversation. The herd stampeded out the door and over me.
Once in the hall and able to break free from the swarm of antsy teens, I swirled around to find Josh. He was heading down the hall to the parking lot by himself.
I stood stunned and confused in the hallway, attempting to decipher the short piece of conversation I’d heard. Trying to convince myself at the same time I must have misunderstood its meaning. First, I didn’t want to believe Josh was getting involved in the partying scene after what he’d said to me at the ice-skating rink. Second, I couldn’t believe Patrick was throwing crazy, drunken parties at his house and inviting random people he didn’t know.
I just couldn’t fathom him doing that. Not just because he didn’t fit that type of reckless personality, but also because I had yet to see any hint of a shadow around him. Normally I could easily spot drunks and those who partied every weekend because their dark, overbearing shadows gave them away.
After agonizing over this dilemma all night, I sat in computer class next to Patrick debating whether or not I would ask him about it. I was somewhat leaning toward not, because all throughout class he seemed distant and frustrated. He had spoken to me only once at the beginning of class in a brief response to my hello. Something was up, but he clearly didn’t want to talk about it.
After class, when he finally decided to speak to me, I didn’t feel any more enlightened. If anything, his words generated even more questions. He paused in the hallway instead of strolling to the lunchroom with me, so I turned back to face him in uncertainty, waiting for the ball to drop.
“Iris.” He bent his head to the ground with a look of consternation as though he were trying to build up the courage and will to say something unpleasant. “I’m not going to sit with you at lunch today…and maybe for a while.” He glanced at me and then turned away quickly after seeing the devastation in my eyes. “I just think it would be better if Kyra and I didn’t sit together anymore.”
I couldn’t believe that was his excuse. A week or so ago I may have believed him, but the last few days they were really starting to make some headway in getting along. So much so that I’d hoped they would become friends soon. It was almost like Kyra was starting to rub off on him.
“But you guys seemed to be getting along so well lately,” I protested.
He shook his head and stared at the ground with determination, “No. She doesn’t like me. I can tell. It would just be best if we didn’t have to be around each other anymore.”
I began to panic, sensing my comfortable circle of solace crashing into pieces around me. I practically got on my knees and begged, “Don’t make me choose between you and Kyra, please?”
His eyes at last met mine and he smiled. “Don’t worry. I’m not making you choose. You’ll still have me here in class, and I’ll always be there whenever you need me.” He brushed my bangs away from my eyes to gaze at them softly. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He pulled me to him for a tight yet tender embrace. Despite the circumstances, I still managed to feel light-headed from his touch. He stepped back but kept his hands on my shoulders as he reassured me. “Now go ahead to the lunchroom and sit with your friends. I’m going to stop by my locker before I head down there. I’ll see you later.” With that, he dropped his arms and walked away.
After purchasing a solitary bag of potato chips, having suddenly lost my appetite, I took a deep breath and fell into my chair beside Kyra and Lexi, trying to avoid their questioning looks.
“Where’s Patrick?” Lexi asked, glancing around the lunchroom as though she’d misplaced a diamond.
I picked out a chip and began inspecting it as if I were intent on making sure it was regulation size and color before declaring it worthy of my stomach. “He’s not going to be sitting with us for a while.”
“Did he say why?” Kyra asked.
When I looked up, I was surprised to see her face almost match the disappointment in Lexi’s voice.
“Uh…” I shook my head and returned to my potato chips, not wanting to lie to her but also not wanting to make her think his leaving was her fault.
“Well, that’s horrible!” Lexi shouted. “I was really beginning to like him.”
“Please.” Kyra smirked. “You liked him the first moment you saw him.” She laughed as Lexi blushed.
“You guys didn’t have a fight or anything, did you?” Lexi asked, deflecting the attention back to me.
“No…No, we’re fine.” I smiled at them with confidence. That was one thing I was fairly certain of after his reassuring words and hug. “No, he’s just going to sit somewhere…”
My voice trailed off as I caught sight of Patrick halfway across the lunchroom, standing with his tray beside Josh and his table. Patrick talked with Josh, making him laugh, and then sat down between him and Tyler.
“Whoa! That’s weird!” Lexi had followed my dumbfounded gaze. “Is he friends with them? Does he even know them?”
“Yeah, uh, Josh’s dad works with Patrick’s, so…” I nonchalantly picked up another chip, pretending it didn’t bother me, when in fact I was mortified on so many levels.
“Seriously?” Kyra asked completely stunned.
“Yeah.”
“Well, that can’t be good!”
I threw down my chip angrily. For some reason I still felt the need to defend Patrick, despite the fact he had ditched me to sit with my ex-boyfriend. “There you go again with your pessimistic attitude toward Patrick!”
“Sorry,” she quickly replied and shut her mouth.
Our table continued in silent reflection for a while, but since Patrick was sitting clearly in my view, I couldn’t help but steal a few glimpses of him. Without realizing it, for the next several minutes, my glimpses kept getting longer and more
frequent. Each time I peeked over at him, I was rewarded with a flirtatious smile. We were the only ones at either of our tables who were aware of these prolonged stares, and I fancied us having a secret love affair, playing footsie under the table.
Feeling flushed and amorously playful, I was beginning to think maybe this arrangement would work out. Then Patrick’s smile suddenly melted from his face as his eyes moved from me to my right. I turned around casually to follow his glare, not wanting to appear suspicious to Kyra or Lexi, and flinched. A lone, black silhouette was gliding with a stately air down an aisle apart from any humans. It glared coldly in Patrick’s direction.
By the time I twirled back around, Patrick’s face was frustrated and sullen, his shoulders slumped and his head bent low to the table. He remained in that defeated position the rest of the lunch period, even after the shadow disappeared.
Chapter 16
THE FIRST DAY OF THANKSGIVING BREAK, I attempted to sleep in but ended up lying in bed wide awake for an hour and a half. At eight thirty, I finally gave in and got up. I was awakened by my mother and sister’s loud efforts to get ready for work with their showers, hair-dryers, and cupboard slamming and by my recurring nightmare that always had impeccable timing. But I stayed awake because my mind wouldn’t leave Patrick’s puzzling enigma alone.
He was complex enough the first time I met him, but as the weeks had gone by, more and more puzzle pieces were added to the table. Too many to assemble in any type of order. There was the fact that he never had a shadow around him, on him, or even near him, but Josh had implied he held parties at his house. There was the odd shadow that had stared him into a discouraged slouch. There was the issue with Kyra and how they appeared to know yet also hate each other.
On top of all that was the overwhelming sensation I felt when I was with him and the insatiable desire I had to never let that sensation end.
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