As I sat in my car, everything began to click into place. All the letters I’d written to Alicia and she never once wrote back. In the beginning, when I still tried to call, she never picked up the phone. Back then, I’d thought she was just taking some time to herself. I had thought she just needed a little space to heal and figure everything out, and I had wanted to give her that, so after a while, I stopped calling.
I kept writing though, for years. I wrote her letters and sent them to the only address I had for her—her parents’ house. But eventually, I gave that up too. Still, I never let myself believe things were over.
I’d thought that surely Alicia would have wanted to see me if and when our paths crossed again. After everything we’d had, there was no way she should have been able to deny our connection. I’d always held out hope that we’d find our way back to each other.
Now that we had, I realized none of that was fucking true.
I wondered if I was just holding onto the thought of Alicia to escape the reality of my life. Was our connection truly as strong as I believed it to be, or was I romanticizing something that had long been over?
CHAPTER 9
Alicia
Sitting on that curb, I felt ridiculous. How could I have let Zane run me out of my own uncle’s wake? He hadn’t even spoken to me. He hadn’t said a word. But still, I bolted, running out the back door like a burglar.
When had I become this person, so afraid of confrontation?
That night came back to me with a flood of emotions…
I was sitting on a bench in McKinney Park, waiting for Zane to show up. We’d agreed to meet after my last class, having plans to see a movie and grab a drink. But he was late.
I’d called him a few times but got no answer. After an hour, I decided to just go home and wait for him to call me back. I knew something must have happened and began to worry he’d been in an accident or something.
When I walked through the backdoor, my phone finally rang.
“Hey,” I said, my voice full of relief. “Where have you been? Are you okay?”
“I’m great!” Zane said cheerfully. “I’m really sorry I stood you up. Can you meet me now? At Kellan’s?”
“Sure,” I said apprehensively. “I’ll be there in a few.”
“See you soon!”
I hung up and turned back around. Climbing in my car, I felt a horrible sense of dread wash over me. There was something going on with Zane, that much I knew. But I couldn’t imagine what it could be. In all the time we’d been dating, he had never been so much as two minutes late. Never. He always blamed the fact that he was obnoxiously early on his military training. So whatever was going on had to be pretty big if it meant he was deviating from his prompt nature.
As I drove toward Kellan’s, I told myself it couldn’t be anything bad. Zane sounded happy on the phone, and only something really amazing could make him sound like that.
Zane was sitting at our usual booth when I walked inside. My drink was already sitting on the table when I slid in beside him.
“Hey, you,” he said with a grin. He kissed me quickly, the grin never leaving his face.
“What’s up with you?” I laughed. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy.”
“I don’t know that I’ve ever been this happy,” he admitted.
“Well?” I prompted. “Tell me what’s going on. I can’t take the suspense any longer!”
“I’ve been chosen to go on a mission for the Savage Soldiers.”
The words left his lips and hit my ears like a brick. I heard him, but I couldn’t quite comprehend what he was saying.
“I got the call today,” he continued. “This morning actually. My C.O. said everything is in place. I start my official training in a few days.”
“Training…for a mission?” I sputtered. I blinked and tried to focus on his face, but I felt like I was floating underwater. Everything seemed far away, blurry, and out of reach.
“It’s in Coronado,” he nodded. “I leave the day after tomorrow. Alicia, I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am! To be chosen for something like this means I’ve climbed the ranks.”
“California?” I interrupted.
Zane fell silent and stared at me for a second. He frowned and slid an inch away from me in the booth. “Do you understand how big of a deal this is for me? You know how dedicated I am to the Savage Soldiers, right? I mean there what this entire town is about. The base, the brotherhood, it’s all here. And I’m finally in!”
“Of course,” I managed to say.
“You don’t seem to happy for me,” he said, still frowning.
“I’m just trying to wrap my head around it,” I explained. “I had no idea this was going to happen and it just…”
“I’m in the military, Alicia. You’ve always known there was a chance I would be sent off the Savage base eventually to move up. It’s part of the job.”
“I know,” I said. “I just didn’t think it would happen right now. So soon.”
“But it’s a good thing!”
“Yeah, for you.”
I watched his expression shift from slightly confused to completely annoyed. I knew he’d been hoping I would be impressed. He had imagined me throwing my arms around him and congratulating him.
But I couldn’t do that, not after finding out he was leaving me.
I had always held out hope that he would just wind up permanently stationed at the Savage base in Colorado, never far away. Never having to relocate and turn into an actual hard and battle-scarred soldier.
“Damn, Alicia. I thought you’d be happy for me. This is a major accomplishment.”
“I am happy for you! But you don’t have to sound so damn cheerful about it!”
“Why wouldn’t I be happy?” he demanded. “Being a Savage Soldier, and everything that it entails, is what I’ve always wanted! I thought you knew that. I thought you understood this was going to happen someday.”
“Zane,” I began slowly. My voice shook slightly and I had to close my eyes to focus properly. “I’m happy for you, and I do understand that traveling is just part of the job. But can’t you see how upsetting this is for me? You just told me you’re leaving and you don’t seem the slightest bit upset about it.”
“Why would I be upset?” He threw his hands up in frustration. “I have everything I want! I’m a Savage Soldier—an important one. I’ll be training in Coronado by the end of the week. I’ll get to see the world. And—”
“Then just go then!”
His face fell. “What?”
“Just go,” I repeated. “If you’re so happy about leaving, then leave! You don’t have to stick around and rub my nose in it.”
Zane looked back at me like I’d slapped him.
I couldn’t believe he would be so heartless. That he could tell me he was leaving and not even be remotely sad about it.
“Alicia,” he began, “what the hell is wrong? Where is this coming from?”
“You’re leaving me and you’re happy about it,” I blurted out. Tears formed in my eyes and I couldn’t stop them from overflowing.
“Is that what you think?” He laughed weakly and slid closer to me, holding both of my hands in his. “Alicia, I’m not leaving you.”
“So you aren’t going to Coronado?”
“No, I am,” he said. “But that doesn’t mean we have to be over.”
“What does it mean then?”
“Well…” he said, the wheels in his head turning as he tried to work through his thoughts.
“You haven’t even thought about it, have you?” I asked, pained.
“I just found out this morning, Alicia,” he said defensively. “I haven’t had time to work everything out yet.”
“There’s nothing to work out.” I turned my head, took a giant swig of my drink, and angrily stared down at the table, trying to stop more tears from falling.
“What does that mean?” he asked, his voice small and so unlike hims
elf. I looked up to find him staring at me, his eyes searching mine.
I didn’t have an answer to his question. All I knew was that my heart was breaking and I couldn’t make it stop. “It means you didn’t even stop to think about what this would mean for our future, which tells me we don’t have one.”
“Alicia—”
“There’s nothing else to say,” I said quietly, not wanting to drag the conversation out any further. A quick goodbye would be best for both of us.
“I’m sorry,” Zane said, staring down at his hands, which were once again wrapped tightly around mine.
I waited for him to say something else. Anything else.
But he didn’t.
When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I pulled my hands free and stood up.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“What’s the point in hanging around any longer?” I said, every part of me aching.
“To say goodbye,” he suggested. “We won’t see each other for a long time and—”
“It all ends just the same,” I said, cutting him off. “Whether I sit here with you for another three hours or not for another second, nothing will change. You’ll still leave and I’ll still be here.”
“Alicia…”
I turned and left without looking back. I thought he would follow me outside, tell me he loved me, or ask me to wait for him. But when I pushed the door open and stepped out into the parking lot, I saw that my hopes were in vain.
The cool evening breeze hit my face and dried the tears on my cheeks.
Despite the pain that accompanied that memory, it still wasn’t the worst I’d felt. The worst pain had come later, after Zane left town.
After I realized he wasn’t going to try to see me before he left.
After I realized that night in Kellan’s was our last night together.
After I’d spent hours crying myself to sleep and wishing more than anything that I had stayed in that booth just a little longer, for I could never be certain that he would ever return…
CHAPTER 10
Alicia
It had been a week since my last conversation with Zane and still, I woke up with a stomachache almost every morning.
I hated feeling so lovesick, but Zane crossed my mind at least ten times a day. No matter how busy I was, he always found a way to take over my thoughts, reminding me just how much I missed him.
I had known it was coming. Zane had constantly talked about the Savage Soldiers and how he was willing to do whatever it took to prove himself. So it shouldn’t have been a surprise.
And yet, it was.
It had knocked the wind out of me. Damn near broke me. The worst part had been his smile—like he was happy to leave me. Like our entire relationship had just been his way of passing time until his real life traveling in the military began.
Thinking about it made my stomach roll again. That morning, I’d shot out of bed and hurled myself into the bathroom, where I threw up everything in my stomach—which wasn’t much. Then I’d curled into a ball on the floor.
When Allie found me, she’d sat beside me and rubbed my back.
I rolled over to face her, knowing how pathetic I must have seemed to someone so strong.
“He’s just a boy,” I said, my voice weak. “I don’t know why it’s affecting me so much.”
“Because you love him,” she said gently.
“So what?” I argued.
“So it’s going to hurt for a while.” She paused. “But, Alicia—I don’t think that’s why you’re sick…”
“What do you mean?”
Allie sighed and reached behind her. Slowly, she laid a box down beside me and brushed my hair off my face. “I’ll be right outside if you need me.”
I frowned and watched her leave, closing the bathroom door softly behind her. When I looked down at the box, I almost screamed. I picked up the pregnancy test, feeling like it would burn a hole in my hand.
I sat up quickly, fighting another wave of nausea. The box fell onto the floor and I stared at it for a few seconds. All I knew in that moment was that she was wrong. I wasn’t pregnant. Zane and I were always careful, and I had been on the pill for two years.
Still, something tugged at the back of my mind. Particularly that one night when we’d been drunk after leaving Kellan’s…
Had we used protection that night?
I counted backward, realizing it had been about six weeks since that night and that I hadn’t had a period in almost two months.
My heart pounded as I opened the box and took the test. When I laid it down on the bathroom floor to wait, I couldn’t tear my eyes away. For every single second of those three minutes, I watched the little screen, waiting for it to tell me my fate.
When the plus sign appeared, my stomach rolled and I threw up again. Allie hurried into the bathroom to hold my hair back.
Somehow, she’d known all along.
Apparently, heartbreak wasn’t the only thing Zane Prewitt had left me behind with.
When the memories passed, I was still sitting on that curb with my head in my hands. Part of me wanted to stay there forever, but a bigger part forced me to my feet. Whether Zane was still there or not, I had to go back. My family would be worried. Plus, I knew Allie had probably already verbally accosted Zane, so I couldn’t hide forever.
Slowly, I walked through the streets until I reached Kellan’s. I went around the back so I could enter the way I left, but it didn’t matter. When I walked inside, the place was almost entirely empty. Only my mother and a few distant relatives remained.
“Where’d you go?” my mom asked as I walked up to her.
“Just had to clear my head.”
“Uh huh.” She nodded and gave me a scrutinizing look; she’d seen me leave after Zane arrived, but refrained from admitting it.
“Allie take the kids home?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Do you need any help cleaning up?”
“No, I think we’ve got it handled.”
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll just meet you at home then.”
I turned to leave, when I felt her fingers brush against my arm. When I looked back at her, she watched me the same way she had that morning all those years ago—the morning Allie and I told her. It was the look of concern and motherly intuition I recognized all too well.
I waited for her to speak, but she didn’t. She simply looked at me with so much understanding that it made my eyes tear up. I stepped closer to her and she wrapped her arms around me, holding me against her chest. I breathed in the familiar scent of her perfume and let myself relax for the first time since I arrived in Savage. Of all the things I missed, I didn’t realize how much I needed this.
When she let me go, I wiped my eyes and left the bar without saying goodbye. Allie and Jordan had taken the car and I didn’t want to wait for my mother, so I decided to walk home. It wasn’t far—just a couple miles—and it would give me a chance to clear my head before I saw the rest of the family.
Especially Elizabeth.
CHAPTER 11
Zane
I drove home from the wake, my head spinning. When I pulled into my driveway, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sit still for long. Without going inside, I walked down the driveway and back into town. I didn’t know where I was going, but I just needed to move.
Seeing Alicia hadn’t gone how I planned, but that wasn’t what weighed on my mind. Alicia running out of the pub had saddened me, but I could understand her desire to get away. Allie’s words, however, made me rethink everything I thought I knew.
“I know it may have not seemed like anything to you, but what you and Alicia had meant everything to her. You broke her heart.”
As I walked through town, I replayed my entire relationship with Alicia.
I remembered our conversations, our late nights together, all the time we spent talking about our hopes and dreams for the future…
Back then, I’d thought we were on the same page; I
thought Alicia understood me better than anyone ever had or ever would.
Nothing could have been further from the truth, that much was obvious. What didn’t make sense was how I could have been so wrong. How I could have misconstrued the entire thing for the past five years. That last night in Kellan’s was so long ago, but it stood out vividly in my mind. She’d been angry at first. And sad. But so was I.
I had explained why I had to leave and thought she understood. I’d apologized, and she had walked away. I could still see her curls disappearing through the front door and out into the parking lot. I remembered wanting to chase after her, but not knowing what I would say. I’d figured she just needed time, and then we would find our way back to each other.
Surely, she had felt that way too, hadn’t she?
Had I been deluding myself all these years? Had my decision to leave destroyed all the feelings Alicia had ever had for me? Had she spent the past five years hating me for choosing the Savage Soldiers over her?
Damn.
I suddenly felt weaker than I had in months. My head pounded as Allie’s words echoed in my mind, and my arms and legs felt like jelly. My eyes and chest were heavy with anxiety as I moved faster.
I walked the perimeter around the town square three times, trying to work through my emotions before deciding to sit down for a few minutes.
Less than five minutes after I found a bench, Alicia crossed the street right in front of me. Moving quickly, her hips swayed slightly and I could see every curve of her body beneath her tight dress. Her dark hair caught the light so perfectly captivating.
“Alicia!” I called, on my feet instantly, hurrying toward her.
She glanced behind her, deflating when she realized it was me calling her. She slowed down but didn’t stop.
I jogged until I fell into step beside her.
She crossed her arms and raised her chin, her eyes remaining firmly focused in front of her. She wore an expression I knew all too well—the same look she’d gotten every time we argued. Whenever I said something stupid or upset her, she would cross her arms, raise her chin, square her shoulders, and glare into the distance.
Hopeless Hero_A Bad Boy Military Romance Page 4