“Tell me about it.”
“Some things I can’t really talk about,” I said softly. “It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just…”
“You’re still dealing with it all,” she said with a nod. “I understand.”
“Yeah.” I stared down into my lap. “Thank you. It’s not easy—coming back here and trying to adjust to civilian life. It was only five years, but after all the missions and training, I’m not the same person anymore. I left a lot of myself behind when I left for Coronado and a lot more behind when I left the Savage Soldiers. I’m just trying to figure out where my place is now.”
“That makes sense,” Alicia said empathetically. “It seems like you’re doing really well though.”
“I’m trying. I’m really trying. Sometimes it’s still hard to overcome the darkness, but it’ll get easier.”
“Yes, it will,” Alicia assured. “I can’t possibly understand everything you went through, but I do know a little bit about who you are, and I know you’re strong enough to find your way back. However long it takes.”
“In the beginning, it was perfect,” I said. “It was everything I always thought it would be. I fell into a rhythm with my team almost immediately. We were seamless. Every mission we went on was a success. Even with the ones that weren’t, we still made it out in one piece. Things didn’t go south until the very end. That last mission… I don’t know if I’ll ever get past it.”
Alicia reached over and instinctively took my hand. When she realized what she’d done, she cleared her throat and tried to pull her hand away, but I held onto her.
“Alicia, I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“The way I left. I never took the time to realize how that made you feel. I was just so excited to finally be going on a Savage Soldier mission that it made me selfish. I assumed you would understand, and that was wrong of me. I thought you knew how I felt about you, but I was wrong. I never meant for that to be the end for us. I should have told you that back then. I’m so sorry I didn’t.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize. It’s been so long. It’s all in the past.”
“That doesn’t matter.” I gripped her hand tighter. “I need you to know how sorry I am for hurting you. I shouldn’t have left without making absolutely sure you knew how I felt. I fucked up.”
“We all do that.” She shrugged. “I shouldn’t have gone off on you like I did yesterday. You didn’t deserve that. And it’s not like I didn’t know you’d possibly be relocated. It’s just part of the job. I knew that.”
I gave a self-deprecating laugh. “If you ask your sister, I deserve a lot worse.”
Alicia frowned. “What did she say to you?”
“She told me I broke your heart.”
Alicia rolled her eyes and ducked her head down in embarrassment. I saw her cheeks flush red and wanted to trace my fingers down them. To feel the heat beneath my fingers and press my lips against hers.
“She shouldn’t have said anything.” Alicia pulled her hand from mine and tucked her hair behind her ears. “I’ve just been through a lot since you left. A lot has changed…” She glanced off into the distance.
At first, I thought she was angry again, but when I saw the tears glistening in her eyes, I knew she was reliving something painful.
“What happened?” I asked gently. “I want to know, Alicia. I really do.”
“I know you do,” she smiled sadly, “but I’m not sure I’m ready to tell you yet.”
I nodded. “Okay. I’m just happy you’re talking to me again then. I wasn’t sure if you ever would.”
“I shouldn’t have ignored your phone calls,” Alicia said suddenly. “Or your letters. That was wrong of me.”
“You needed time. I understand that.”
“Yeah, but I think I was just trying to punish you for leaving. Allie shouldn’t have said anything, but she was right. When you left, it tore my world apart. I’m not proud of that, but it’s true. I was a wreck.”
“So was I.”
“Oh please,” she scoffed. “You were running off to chase your lifelong dream.”
“That doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you.”
Alicia looked away and took a bite of her scone. She licked the icing off her fingers and my stomach tightened. I had missed her more than even I realized. Sitting beside her solidified everything I’d felt all those years ago. My heart ached for her. My body longed to touch hers. Nothing had changed between us. Our connection was still just as strong as ever. It took every ounce of strength I possessed not to kiss her right then and there.
I slid closer to her on the bench, slowly reaching for her hand again, but she pulled away.
“Zane, don’t. It’s too soon.”
“I’m sorry.” I moved away from her again and breathed deeply. I didn’t want to push her away again. I just wanted to spend as much time with her as possible before she left town.
“It’s not because I don’t want to,” she reassured. “It’s just…so much has happened and…”
“And I messed up. I know.”
She took another bite of her scone and looked away. It felt like she was hiding something, but knew she wouldn’t tell me until she was ready.
We sat in silence for a few more minutes, neither of us wanting to break the familiar comfort we had sunken into. I drank the rest of my coffee and Alicia finished her second scone. The sun was high in the sky by the time we spoke again.
“I should probably get back,” she said, standing up. “My parents will wonder where I am.”
“How long are you in town? Can I take you to dinner? I owe you that much, at least.”
Alicia smiled and shuffled her feet. Playing with a loose curl, she looked uncomfortable even though the smile never left her lips. “Sure,” she said hesitantly. “Dinner. That’s fine. I’m here for the rest of the week.”
“How about tonight?” I asked.
She nodded. “Okay.” She then turned and walked through the square.
I watched her sashaying hips until she disappeared.
CHAPTER 15
Alicia
“Will you please stop looking at me like that?” I snapped. After enduring Allie’s judgmental glare for nearly twenty minutes, I was ready to get away from her for the night.
“Like what?” she asked, fake innocence dripping from her voice.
“Like I just killed your puppy.”
Allie shook her head. “I just don’t understand why you’re doing this.”
“Well, you don’t have to.”
“Alicia…” Allie began. She slowly got off the bed and walked over to me.
I stood in front of the vanity mirror, teasing my curls and adding finishing touches to my makeup as Allie stood behind me, watching. I pretended to not see her standing there until I couldn’t take it anymore. “What?” I snapped, turning around to face her.
My stance must have been defensive because Allie immediately took two steps back. “Retract the claws, okay?” she said, holding her hands up in a surrendering gesture. “I just want to make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into.”
“I’m not getting myself into anything,” I said, exasperated. “It’s just dinner with an old friend.”
“He’s not just an old friend, and you know that.”
“Of course, I know that.” For the first time all evening, I let my confidence slip away. My head sagged and I stared at my feet, which were crammed into high heels a size too small. I hated how easily it was for me to become emotional. In New York, I was strong and didn’t allow any weakness to seep through. In Savage, though--it was like everyone could see straight down to my vulnerable soul and no one could see better than my sister.
“Talk to me,” Allie said softly.
“These shoes are too small,” I complained.
“Yeah, well, they’re all I have. Maybe you should have brought your own if you intended to date while you’re in town. Seriously, Alicia…”<
br />
“Don’t.” My head popped back up and my eyes narrowed warningly. “Allie, it’s not your life, and it’s not your business.”
Her face turned red in a flash. “The hell it’s not! Who took care of you when he bailed? Who was there in the hospital the day—”
I shot her a warning look. She was treading on extremely dangerous ground and she knew it. Her mouth clamped shut and her expression softened.
Of all the things I knew about my sister, her protective instinct was the most prominent. When she felt I was heading down the wrong path, she couldn’t help voicing her opinions, even when they were the last thing I needed or wanted to hear.
“I know you’re worried, okay?” I said. I tried to keep my voice even and calm, but it trembled anyway. Gently, I reached my hand out and took hers, squeezing it. “I understand. And you know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me over the years. You, more than anyone, have stood by me and I love you for it. I really do, Al. I just can’t explain to you how I’m feeling right now. Everything with Zane feels so uncertain and unfinished. Despite everything, I don’t think I ever truly got closure from him. I need to go tonight, okay? And right now, you need to back off.”
Allie opened her mouth to argue, but she closed it almost just as fast. With a sigh, she took a step forward and engulfed me in a bone-crushing hug. I thought I was going to suffocate, but I didn’t pull away. I just stepped closer and wrapped my arms around her waist, letting her hold me.
As my big sister, Allie had seen me at my lowest points in life. More than anyone, she knew the progress I’d made over the past five years. Deep down, I knew her worry stemmed from her desire to keep me on my chosen path; she didn’t want anything derailing the life I had created for myself, especially not Zane.
“It’s okay to be scared,” she whispered.
I wouldn’t admit it, but she was right. I was terrified of what dinner with Zane might mean. Our talk in town had gone well—better than I had ever imagined. Still, that didn’t change our history. There was so much between us. So much pain and heartache. One dinner could never erase all that, but a part of me hoped it might be a start, or at least a step in the right direction.
“Are you going to tell him?” Allie asked, her voice soft, not wanting to upset me again.
Sighing, I pulled away from her and sunk onto the bed to adjust the heels on my feet. Allie waited patiently for my answer, but we both knew I didn’t have one.
“Maybe he should know,” she said. “Elizabeth isn’t a baby anymore and—”
“I know,” I said, cutting her off. I didn’t know if I could handle talking about Elizabeth at the moment. “And honestly, I don’t know what I will or won’t tell him. I don’t think I’ll know until I’m there.”
Allie nodded .“Fair enough. It’s ultimately your decision, but be careful. Once you tell him, you can never take it back. He’ll know forever.”
I nodded and gave her another quick hug before grabbing my purse and hurrying out the door with her words ringing through my ears.
CHAPTER 16
Zane
I knew I needed to check in with Max, it had been a few months since that phone call. Since I told him Leo died.
And when I got his wedding invitation in the mail, I knew it was time to reach out again.
“Max?” I asked when a man answered, but I could hear barking in the background. I wasn’t sure if it was him or not.
“Zane, man, how are you? It’s been a while.”
“Couple months, yeah. Got your invitation. Congrats.”
“Thanks, never thought it would happen to me, ya know?”
“Yeah, man of the night like you are. Remember when we used to call you vampire in the desert? Never thought you’d survive out there.”
“Never thought I’d survive over here either,” he laughed. “But now that I have her, it’s just different, ya know?”
I did know, but I couldn’t tell him that. He knew my long history with Alicia. He was the one who used to mess with me about how much I missed her. How I had a good thing going and I gave it all up for the savages. What a dumb move that was. Max and Brady were the two men I was closest with. The two I’d tell anything to. Well them and Leo. But he was gone now. At least I had these guys.
“I know.”
“So anyway, are you coming? To the wedding? Is that why you’re calling?”
“I need to figure some stuff out first, so I’m not sure. But I’ll let you know soon.”
“Figure stuff out? Like a date? Wait are you here, in Savage?”
“For now.”
“Zane! Come on, why didn’t you tell me that to start? I mean I sent the invite to your mom’s cause you said you were coming home, but I figured you were gone by now. Moved on to some new place. You should come over, meet Kylie.”
“Yeah, maybe sometime. But you’re right, I’m not staying. I can’t be here Max. You know that.”
“I see his old girlfriend sometimes, what was her name? Jessica?”
“Yeah, Jessica. I haven’t seen her honestly.” That was on purpose. I didn’t need to see Leo’s widow. I didn’t deserve to.
“You know that wasn’t your fault man. We’ve all been there. We’ve all seen some shit. Oh hell, hold on,” he paused. “Don’t eat that, hey can I call you back? Kylie’s dog got onto the counter again. She swears she was never this bad before I came along. Wants attention or something. Call me when you figure out about the wedding. You should come to the bachelor party too. It’s going to be savage as usual.” He laughed.”
“Yeah, I’ll think about it. Thanks.”
“See ya.”
He hung up and I stared at my phone. I should have told him about Alicia, that things were happening. That’s what I meant to do. But I couldn’t bring myself to.
What if nothing came of this dinner? What if once again, I was wrong about her?
I guess I would just have to find out.
CHAPTER 17
Alicia
Ricci’s was a small hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant on the edge of Savage. Andell Ricci and his wife, Lilly, moved to Savage when their youngest child got married almost forty years ago. It had been their dream to open an Italian bistro in a small town somewhere. Andell said it reminded him of the restaurant he worked at as a boy back in Italy.
I had always loved Ricci’s. Anytime there was a special occasion or celebration, my parents would bring me and Allie, letting us order whatever we wanted, including a plate of cannolis for dessert.
The restaurant hadn’t been the same since Lilly died. When she passed, the whole town went into mourning right alongside Andell. He had shut down the restaurant for six months, and when he reopened it, he acted as if nothing had happened. He simply went back to work doing what he loved. He would greet everyone just as he had before. The only difference was the small photograph of Lilly that now stood in the middle of the entryway.
When I walked inside that night, my eyes fell on Lilly’s picture. Immediately, tears filled my eyes; I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed Ricci’s until that night.
Zane sat in the back corner of the restaurant at a table for two. I saw him before he saw me, which gave me the chance to watch him for a few seconds unnoticed. He was staring intently at the menu in his hands. There were two glasses of water on the table, along with two empty wine glasses. The scene definitely had the makings of a proper date, and the thought made my stomach flip.
Zane flipped the menu over to examined the back. I could tell he was just making himself busy; we had both been here so many times that reading the menu was no longer a necessity. Still, he stared at it with no idea that I was watching him. His dark eyes narrowed slightly, but even from where I stood, I could see them sparkle.
God, why did he have to be so handsome? It would have been easier if my attraction to him had faded, but it was stronger than ever.
When I finally got up the nerve to walk over to him, my palms began to sweat. The
closer I got, the better he looked. His shirt was tight against his chest and I could see the outline of every muscle. My head spun. I wanted to run my fingers over those muscles and watch as he…
“Hey,” he said as I approached the table. “There you are.”
“Here I am,” I said with an awkward little nod. “Have you been waiting long?”
He shook his head. “No, not really.”
“Good.” I smiled and sat down.
Zane handed me a menu and cleared his throat. I waited for him to speak, but he didn’t. Instead, his eyes once again focused on his own menu. Now that I was closer, I could see that he hadn’t shaved in a couple days. His stumble was just beginning to grow past the five o’clock shadow length, giving him an edgy quality. I couldn’t help but think how sexy it made him look.
When he glanced up and caught me staring at him, I quickly averted my eyes, nerves getting the best of me before I remembered my age and laughed. I looked back up apologetically and set my menu down on the table. “This is ridiculous,” I said. “I don’t know why I’m so nervous.”
“It’s okay,” he said, grinning. “I am too.”
“But we shouldn’t be,” I argued. “We’ve done this a thousand times before. You know me and I know you. There’s no reason this should be so awkward.”
“Isn’t it always awkward with exes?”
“Does it have to be?” I countered.
Zane looked at me for a second before chuckling and leaning back in his chair. “You really haven’t changed much.”
“I like to think I have, but I guess I’m still the same me.”
“That’s a good thing. That wit of yours is infamous.”
“Sometimes I’m not so sure. I left Savage so that I could change. So that I could move on and grow up. What was the point if none of that happened?”
“It happened,” Zane assured. “You’re still you, but you’re more poised. You have a confidence now that you didn’t have five years ago. When I knew you, you were always just this little ball of energy. It was like you were going to burst out of your skin at any given moment. You don’t have that same energy anymore. You’re calmer now. More sure of yourself.”
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