by Donna Alward
His defense against grief.
As soon as he’d received the call, she’d called Marco with new travel arrangements, gone to her room to pack, and cancelled the morning meetings. Raoul had packed his own things and spent most of his time on the phone with Sofia, who was still at the palace, and his father’s physician, who had accompanied Alexander to the hospital. There was no chance of the news not getting out, so as soon as they got to the palace, she and Sofia would work on crafting a press release for immediate distribution.
That she could do without any trouble; it was her job and she’d been doing it for years. What really nagged at her was the look in Raoul’s eyes this morning. There’d been . . . resignation, and despair. If anything happened to Alexander, he’d become king. The pressures he felt now would increase. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what he’d been thinking before the phone call. He wasn’t ready for anything official. With Alexander’s illness, he’d be even less so.
He’d suggested a trip to Monaco, but she’d known, deep down, it was a last hurrah. A man who had decided to carry on with a relationship didn’t put off talking about it or speak about avoiding the real world. She knew in her heart he’d made his decision.
This had been the risk she knew she was taking. She was good enough for an assistant, and even good enough to be his lover. But beyond that, no. He’d decided that either he wasn’t ready or that it wasn’t what he wanted in the long run.
She should be filled with anger, or regret, but she wasn’t. She’d known the risks, known the rewards. She didn’t need a trip to Monte Carlo to take a gamble, and she’d lost. But the regret would have been if she hadn’t played at all. Now she knew. They’d tried.
Raoul was 100 percent focused on his father right now, and rightly so. She reached over and took his hand, the only solace he seemed willing to allow. Presently he was speaking to Diego on the phone, who was in the middle of having his own travel plans adjusted so he and Rose could fly home from their honeymoon a week early. By late tonight the two brothers would be together, and she’d be back home in her apartment, licking her wounds. Until then, she’d be where she belonged. Beside him.
That was the kicker, wasn’t it? She knew they had no future, but she still belonged at his side. As his assistant; as his friend. On the flight she’d insisted he eat something and he’d gone through the motions. As he’d spoken on the phone to Sofia—again—she’d linked her fingers with his and tried to be strong and reassuring.
But still he didn’t let her in, so she helped in the only way she knew how. She’d look after palace details and whatever business was waiting, so he’d be free to stay with family.
Once back at the palace, Raoul had his bags sent to his rooms while she wheeled her case to the offices. She’d take it home with her later, but there was no time to waste. “Raoul, please have Dr. Sanchez call me right away with an update, and I’ll get to work on an official release. We’ve already lost a lot of time, and with no official word from the palace . . .”
“I’ll do it right now.”
She sat at her desk and called Sofia over to give her a debrief. The phone rang and she got the update from the hospital. It was indeed a heart attack, but a small one, and Alexander was expected to make a full recovery. Raoul went upstairs to change, then left for the hospital.
By three in the afternoon, Sofia went home, as she’d been called to the palace at five in the morning and had been going nonstop ever since. Stephani sat at her desk, fielding queries from the press and sorting through her materials from their trip. Raoul had hardly said a word to her before leaving for the hospital. She knew he had to be worried, but in a true relationship, you leaned on each other in times of trouble. That he’d shut her out spoke volumes.
The tender man who’d held her, who’d made love to her so thoroughly . . . he was gone.
At eight she heard from Rose that they had landed and were going straight to the hospital. Raoul hadn’t returned. Stephani thought about going to see the children, but she couldn’t face them right now. She was too raw, too worried to put on a happy face for their benefit. And she’d be lying if she hadn’t thought, once or twice during the week, what it would be like to be their stepmother. Instead she met with the housekeeper and cook about the needs of the family over the next few days, and then unpacked Raoul’s briefcase and her own. Tomorrow she’d work on putting together an analysis of their meetings during the trip. Raoul wouldn’t want the project to be delayed. If it was all he’d allow her to do to help, she’d do a top-notch job.
* * *
Marco was back at his post, and offered to drive her home. “You’ve got your suitcase and you’ve got to be tired,” he said gently. “Let me take you home and take your bag up for you, Stephani.”
“I should say no, but I’m not going to argue with you tonight, Marco. I’m exhausted. Thank you.”
They were quiet as they left the palace, but then Marco looked at her in the rearview mirror. “Stephani?”
“Yes?”
“About what happened this week . . . you and His Highness can count on my discretion.”
Her throat clogged as she met Marco’s kind gaze. His face blurred as tears stung her eyes. “No need,” she whispered. “I don’t think it’s going to happen again, Marco. But thank you.” She blinked the tears away. If there were crying to do, she’d do it at home, in private.
He watched the road, then glanced back at her again, his face a little harder. “If that’s the case, then I’m very sorry. You are both good people who deserve happiness. I had hoped maybe you found it in each other.”
“Me too, Marco, me too.” She sighed, bit down on her lip, regained control. “He was married to my cousin and now he’s married to the monarchy. He didn’t have to say it for me to understand what he was thinking today. If anything happens to Alexander, he steps up. He wears the crown.”
“Begging your pardon, but he does that anyway,” Marco countered. “King Alexander has eased off the day-to-day duties substantially over the last few years.”
They were both quiet for a few moments; his assertion was correct, after all. It didn’t make her feel any better.
“We’re here,” he said quietly, and pulled up outside her building.
He opened her door and she stepped out, and he retrieved her suitcase from the trunk. She moved to take it from him, but he shook his head. “No, ma’am. I’ll take this up for you and see you to your door.”
“Marco . . .”
“I insist.”
His kindness touched her. He was Raoul’s most trusted staffer but he’d always shown a genuine affection for the family. He’d been the one driving in the accident that had killed Ceci and Mariana, and everyone knew he’d blamed himself. Now he was trying to care for her, and it made her feel a little less alone.
He waited while she unlocked her door, and then stood back as she reached for the handle of her suitcase. “Thank you, Marco. For this and for everything you said.”
“Maybe you need to give it time,” he suggested helpfully.
But she shook her head. “I don’t know. And right now things are a little too hectic to be making demands. Don’t worry about me.” She smiled. “I always land right side up.”
He smiled back at her. “Well, good night, Stephani.”
“Good night, Marco.”
She wheeled her case inside, kicked off her shoes, and headed for the sofa. She didn’t unpack or even think about something to eat, though she hadn’t eaten since the hurried meal on the plane this morning. She simply sank down into the cushions, covered herself with a blanket, and fell asleep.
* * *
Stephani let it go a week before she said anything. By that time, Alexander was home from the hospital, with strict instructions as far as diet and activity, Diego and Rose were settled back in, and Lucy made do with calls from Canada each day or so to check up on her father. Alexander wasn’t working, though, and Stephani often arrived at work to find
Raoul already in his office. By Friday she was both annoyed and worried. He was working too hard, putting himself under greater pressure than was necessary, while keeping all his feelings to himself. It was business as usual, and now it was starting to make her mad. He was singularly focused on the resort project, and Stephani was working on it with him as well as keeping the office running and fielding inquiries about Alexander’s health. She was exhausted.
She understood him not delving into their personal relationship right now. She didn’t like it, but understood. But an acknowledgement of her help and support might have been nice. Prince or not, she deserved better than this.
She was battling with a spreadsheet when Diego strolled in. “Buenos días, bonita. Happy Friday.”
She grunted in reply, then looked up. “Lo siento, Diego. I’m grouchy this morning.” She tried a smile. “The correct response would be, good morning, Your Highness.”
The easy smile fell from his face. “You know I hate it when you call me Your Highness. What’s going on?” He pulled up a chair. “You’ve been looking stressed all week.”
She considered being truthful, but Raoul was behind his office door and she really didn’t want to get into it in detail. “Oh, just a lot of work since coming back.”
He lifted an eyebrow. “You’re a terrible liar.”
“Thank you, Your Highness.”
He chuckled then. “Okay, so you don’t want to talk about it.”
“I’m fine, truly. Just trying to sort some things out.”
“Things meaning my big brother?”
Her cheeks heated. “Raoul’s been too busy working to be any bother.” And that was the truth.
Diego slid closer. “You care about him.” He looked her in the eyes, his expression kind as he kept his voice low. “Rose figured it out weeks ago. It puts you in a tough position, doesn’t it? We all loved Ceci, but she’s gone. You’d be wonderful for him, if he’d just open his eyes.”
She gave a bitter little laugh. “Oh, his eyes were open. It just didn’t make any difference, Diego. Please, let’s change the subject. This isn’t the time or the place.”
“Fair enough. Listen, why don’t you go find Rose in the library? She’s having coffee there, and we were talking about her asking for your opinion on something. Go have a cup of coffee and maybe a slice of Señora Ortiz’s cake. It almost always puts things right.” He frowned. “You’ve been working too hard and need a break.”
The words, coming from Diego, were nice, but not the same as if Raoul had spoken them. She shouldn’t leave her desk, but she’d barely seen Rose, either, and the office was starting to feel incredibly oppressive. “Actually, that sounds very nice.” A tap of a few keys and her phone was forwarded to Sofia’s line, and she set off for the library.
She found Rose curled up on a sofa, a book in her hand and a cup of coffee at her elbow. “Diego said I would find you here.”
Rose’s smile was broad and she wore the glow of true happiness. “Oh, I’m glad you stopped in! I’ve barely seen you since we got back.”
“You said the honeymoon was lovely, but that’s it,” Steph chided. “I was hoping for some details.”
“Of my honeymoon?” Rose faked a shocked expression. “Really, Stephani . . .”
They laughed then. “I meant the charity work. Diego is so excited about it, and he and Raoul have been talking about expanding the program? Did you have anything to do with that?”
Rose nodded. “We’re adding a women’s health program to the education one. Ryan O’Toole—you know, Diego’s friend from university? He and his sister have been working there for months. Brenna is a whiz at administration, so she’s going to be our coordinator on site. It’s very exciting.”
Steph agreed. It sounded exciting and innovative and important. She rather thought she’d like to be a part of something like that. Wondered briefly if she could offer her expertise for a while. Maybe it would be better if she could get away for a bit, put some distance between her and Raoul. Do some hard thinking about what she wanted. When he was close, she lost all perspective.
Rose patted the seat beside her. “Come, sit. You look like you’re in need of cake.”
“I seriously wouldn’t say no.”
Cake and coffee were delivered and devoured. Rose talked extensively about the program, and the more Stephani listened, the more she was interested. She’d been doing the same job every day for nearly a decade, and it was a great job, but a change of scenery and a new challenge might be just what she needed.
“Rose, do you think you could use my skills over there? I’d love to help out. Maybe not permanently even, but with startup? I could work with Brenna, help with hiring staff, set up a records database, whatever.”
Rose looked at her keenly. “Are you looking to help, or looking to get away from Raoul?”
Since Diego had said Rose suspected her feelings ran deeper than a work relationship, she wasn’t all that surprised by the question. “Both. I think I need to go somewhere where I can clear my head. I want my own happy ever after, Rose. If I’m not going to find it here, I have to start figuring out my life.” She swallowed thickly. “As much as I love this family, I can’t sort that out if I’m with Raoul every day. It’s . . . too hard.”
Rose nodded, though she looked sad. “I’ll talk to Diego, but I’m sure he’ll say yes. What will you do about your position?”
That was easy. “I’ll promote Sofia and bring in someone new to train for her job. Plus it’d be easier on the new person with me handling the charity stuff abroad.”
“That’s true.” She met Stephani’s eyes. “You’re sure about this? We were kind of hoping the trip last week would nudge you two into something more.”
There it was, the little bump of pain caused by the reference to their trip to France. There’d been a lot of nudging from both sides. They’d experienced the connection she’d longed for. When he touched her, kissed her, said her name . . . it had been sublime. But Raoul’s continued silence hurt worse than any words he might have said at the end of the week. To her, they showed a lack of respect and care. Regardless, she deserved an explanation. And felt like a heel for feeling that way, because he was dealing with a lot right now. Was she being unreasonable? Or was she just hurt that he hadn’t turned to her in his time of trouble?
“I’m sorry,” Rose said quietly. “I’ve touched a nerve, haven’t I?”
Stephani looked into her eyes. “I love him,” she confessed. “I have for years, when it was completely wrong to do so. Now both of us are free, and there are feelings there, Rose. There are. But not love. Not for him. I thought I could be okay with whatever he would give me, but I’m not. I’ll never be Ceci, and I’ll always second to Marazur. Oh, I know the duty and responsibility thing, and I’m not unreasonable. I’ve lived here and worked here long enough. Still, look at you and Diego. You made it work. Together. We don’t have that. And I don’t think we ever will.” She hesitated, then added, “It’s not about what the country demands of him. It’s how he views his life that’s the problem. Ceci was it for him, and his feelings for me aren’t strong enough to bump me into the number-one position. I’ll never be his grand passion, and it’s time I accepted it.”
Rose didn’t answer. She just gave Stephani a sad smile.
Steph sighed, but then lifted her chin and met Rose’s eyes. “You got your fairy tale. It just isn’t in the cards for me.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Raoul stared at Stephani, unsure he’d heard her right. “You seriously want to leave here and go to Africa?”
“You make it sound as if it’s the moon. It’s not. I asked Diego if I could help him with the new phase in his project, and he said yes. It’s only for six months. Sofia can handle things here, and hire an assistant to work with her. With me handling the project administration on site, it’ll cut Diego’s assistant’s workload by about a third. Quite manageable.”
A knot formed in his chest. “You’ve got this all f
igured out,” he replied, his voice cold with fear. Leaving? He knew he’d handled things badly between them, but leaving? Impossible. She was Stephani. He relied on her. He couldn’t have got through the last few weeks without her running the office.
“I do, yes,” she said quietly. She uncrossed and then crossed her legs again, the only indication she was nervous. “I need to go, Raoul. I need a new challenge. Something different. And maybe I can help change the world a little bit while I’m at it. This is a good thing.”
Good for her, but not for him. She’d been his right hand for so long he didn’t know how he’d manage without her. “I’ve taken you for granted,” he replied, folding his hands on top of his desk. “I’m sorry, Steph. You’ve been here so long, I think I always just thought of you being here forever.”
She flinched a little at his words, and he realized what a poor choice they were. “What I mean to say is—”
“I know what you meant,” she interrupted. “But I can’t stay. Not now. I need to put some space between us, Raoul. This will be good for me.”
“But I need you.” It hurt him to say it. He didn’t like being needy. He was the one who held things together, not the other way around. But the idea of her leaving Marazur filled him with an inexplicable fear. He had to convince her to stay. “I know I’ve taken you for granted. You’ve never asked for a raise, for anything, really. Let me make this up to you.”
Her pink cheeks turned a deep red, and her eyes flashed. “Do you seriously think this is about a raise?” Her fingers clenched into fists so tight that her knuckles turned white and she let out a flurry of what he could only assume was Greek cursing. “Taken for granted? What planet are you on, Raoul? How can you sit there and pretend that what happened between us wasn’t important? You’re acting as if it didn’t happen at all!” She bit down on her lip, but before he could reply, she continued. “I gave myself to you. You told me that our week away was a chance for us to see how we felt without being in the public eye. The morning we left, I knew you were going to try to let me down easy. I’m not stupid. And your refusal to speak of it since our return says all I need to know. I wanted to be there for you. To help you. And when you froze me out, I did the only thing I could to make it better. I worked. But it hurt that you shut me out so completely. After what we shared, did you really expect me to stick around?”