by CE Kilgore
"He's old," I huff as I flop down into the couch next to him.
"I aint sayin' marry the man," Daddy chuckles. "He needs company and someone to talk to, more than anything. A friend. You can be a friend, can't you, girl?"
I know arguing is a mute point. He's got me right where he wants me - squirming and backed into a corner. "Yes, sir."
Michael ushers Ruth through the living room, a tired toddler in his arms. "We best get on home 'fore Jonah wakes up."
"Lord, please let him sleep a whole night through," Ruth mutters. "Happy New Year," she yawns. I don't think any of us are going to be staying up until midnight. "See y'all Sunday."
After they leave, Daddy calls towards the kitchen. "Tabitha! You leave them dishes for Joseph so he can learn not to be late to supper."
"Yes, sir," Tabitha calls back, but the sounds of clinking dishes and running water continues for a few moments longer before being replaced by her voice giving Joseph instructions on proper scrubbing methods.
After Tabi and Jerry leave, I'm alone with Daddy as Joey starts in on the remaining dishes. Daddy pulls out his 'sinful temptation', his tobacco pipe, and lights it. The familiar vanilla-tinged aroma takes me back to days past, filling my heart with comforting warmth. It feels like this could be the opportunity I've needed to muster my courage and have an honest conversation with him.
As I open my mouth, my phone vibrates against my hip. It's Saul, begging me to call him when I can. My gut tells me to call him sooner than later. Maybe before I talk to my dad about my relationships, I should figure out just where those relationships stand.
Tucking my phone away, I let the silence settle in. I need this peace, this moment of reflection before I jump off the point of no return. I need to be back where it's just me and my daddy, and there aint nothing that can come between us.
But I can't ignore the reality of my life forever. I love my daddy, but I can't forsake Saul and Austin for the sake of his approval. Although I'm soothed to be back in his presence, it truly hits home how much I miss my boys.
I wish I could share them with my family. I wish I could share my family with them. I wish...
'Nothing ever comes from just wishing, princess. Wish upon that star, but get up and reach for it, too.'
My daddy's words whisper like light through darkness.
When did I stop reaching?
Austin
I'm hauling my beat-up suitcase out from the back of my closet as Brandon enters the bedroom without knocking. It reminds me that it's not my closet, but his, just like this room I've been staying in for two years. Flinging the suitcase onto the bed, I unzip it, barely acknowledging Brandon's presence through the tears in my eyes.
He watches in silence while my tantrum continues. I'm glad he aint trying to talk me outta this. I need to do this right now, before these emotions have time to settle. With a harder than necessary yank, I begin opening drawers and gathering my things.
I don't got much, thank goodness. I aint never been much of a shopper, and a pair of blue jeans can get me through Hell and back. They have, actually. Several times. Now, looks like me and these jeans and these boots are walking right back in.
Four pairs of jeans, five casual shirts and two dress shirts later, and I'm filling the rest of the suitcase with socks, my one tie, a couple framed photographs and the tablet computer they got me for Christmas. The last photo I pick up is of me and Saul, and it stops me dead in my tracks. Like a runaway freight train, it hits my chest dead center, knocking the wind from me and dragging me down.
Brandon is there without a single word, holding me up as I fall apart. "I told him," I cry, because it fucking hurts. "I told him everything, and there aint no going back, boss. I took the best friendship I ever had and ruined it."
He guides me to the bed, and I sit there with my head in my hands, staring down at the picture on my lap. I hear the door open again, causing Brandon to leave my side. It's Emma, and he shares words with her before she leaves. God, I don't want her to see me like this.
"I'm so sorry, boss."
"You haven't done anything wrong. Neither has Saul. This had to happen eventually, just like Saul learning about Kyle and Sarah. There's been too many damn secrets around here, and I'm glad we're airing this shit out."
His no-bullshit tone helps me suck back my hiccuping sobs. He's right. This had to happen eventually, and although I feel like complete shit right now, I actually feel better than I have in months while walking around Saul like a damn grenade was about to go off.
Grabbing a tissue from the nightstand, I dry my eyes, wipe my nose and pull myself back together. The look on Emma's face as she walks back in nearly blows me back apart. I know her strong empathy makes her feel things she can't help. It aint fair - me putting this sadness into her life.
Without words, since Emma don't often have words for anyone but Brandon or Charlie, she hands Brandon a brown envelope then crawls into my lap. Without hesitation, I take this profound gesture she's offering and wrap my arms around her. It's rare for her to let anyone touch her, and the comforting beauty of this gift makes me smile.
"Thank you," I whisper softly into her curls.
She nods then moves back to Brandon's side, where I know she feels most comfortable. Their unique relationship, based around Emma's Autism and Brandon's controlling but compassionately patient nature, gives me hope that imperfect people can have happiness. They share a smile, with love in their eyes, and I can't help but feel guilty for my jealousy of it.
Brandon holds the envelope out to me. "This was gonna be your New Year's present anyway, so best just to give it to you now, if you're really set on leaving."
With trepidation, I take it. What could he have possibly gotten me that he hasn't already given? I don't deserve what's in this envelope, whatever it is.
Folding back the flap, I lift out the small document stack so I can read the first sheet. Two sentences in, and the tears are threatening to make a comeback. This little brown envelope contains a gift more valuable to me than all the diamonds in the world. It's an early probation release, signed and sealed by Judge Bruce Montgomery, or Bull as he's known at the club.
Inside this envelope is my freedom. "Boss, I... I can't thank you enough."
"Bruce was thinking about doing it for Christmas," he explains, "but then everything with Forester exploded on our heads. He knows you've earned it. We all know it."
"But you should stay," Emma's tiny, quiet voice speaks. "I don't want to miss you."
"I know, baby girl," my heart aches at her words. "I don't want to go, but staying hurts people. It's no good for Saul or Victoria. Understand?"
"It's no good for you, you mean." This time, her words make my heart stop. "Leave, if you must, but be honest with yourself about your reason for doing so."
After that smack-down of truth, she kisses Brandon's cheek then kisses my forehead and leaves the room. Emma always sees right through people. She also likes to bring attention to the obvious things that no one else seems to want to see or admit. I sometimes wonder how different the world might be if everyone saw it the way she does.
"She's right, you know."
I look up at Brandon and can't deny it either. "I know." And I do. Don't make it any easier to swallow.
"Stay tonight, at least?" Brandon urges. "It's late and it's New Year's. Hotels will be booked solid, and I don't think Annabelle will appreciate you dropping in on her and Cody."
Actually, my sister would probably throw her shoes at me, since she's hoping Cody might be popping the big question tonight after a year of dating. Damn. I've got my freedom, but I got nowhere to go with it.
"Alright. I left Saul in the barn. Can you go check on him, please?"
"He was my next stop," Brandon smirks then leaves me alone to really think on Emma's words.
Damn. Truth hurts. It can also give you a nasty headache. Exhausted beyond argument, I let the truth follow me into a restless sleep.
Seven a.m. comes ea
rly thanks to the alarm on my phone, still wedged in the back pocket of the jeans I fell into bed with. I'd meant to turn it off, on account of it being New Year's Day and all, but I suppose horses don't really keep calendars or care that it's a holiday. Although I let out a tired groan as I stand up, I'm looking forward to the fresh morning air, hoping it'll help clear my head a bit.
I'm not sure exactly what time I passed out last night, but I know it was well before they finished lighting up Reunion Tower. All the members should be sleeping well into morning, which will give me time to get the horses settled before helping Brandon with breakfast. I may even take them to walk the pasture, if the frost on the ground aint too bad.
First – I need a damn shower.
I reek of yellow. Fuck, I was such a coward last night – leaving Saul in that barn with that beer so I could go cry and throw a hissy-fit. My gaze falls to the suitcase that had found its way to the floor at the foot of the bed next to my boots. I was gonna up and run without even giving the poor guy a proper chance to talk. Some best friend I turned out to be.
The pain is a bit less this morning, but it's still there – a prickling burn in my heart. I feel like I lost my best friend and my one hope for love at the same time, when I know damn well I didn't have to. Emma was right. She called my bluff while I was avoiding my reflection in the mirror.
I wasn't running to save Saul and Victoria trouble. I was gonna run so I could wallow in self-pity, and because I'm not brave enough to try and get over the idea that Saul will never be my lover. I need to get over it, though. I need to stop making excuses, stop making stupid plans to move to El Paso, and I need to be the friend Saul deserves.
I just hope it's not too late to fix what I done fucked over royally.
It's not that I wholly regret what happened last night and what I said. Brandon was right – there's been too many damn secrets around here lately. Saul deserved to know the truth about how I feel. Sleeping with him wouldn't have solved anything. I probably would've felt worse for it, and Saul would've still been in the dark about why I've been acting like a shitty friend.
I have no idea how it's gonna be between me and him today or moving forward, but I'll have to face that music and see if we can still dance as friends. God, I hope so. I can't believe I almost abandoned all I have; that I almost took everything for granted because I'm so damn selfish as to be unsatisfied with the love he does offer me.
A shower and a shave later, and I feel on the better side of crap. I eye the fancy new coffee machine as I pass through the kitchen with a glare. Don't feel like using the old machine and don't feel like any flavored stuff, either. I think, since I'm staying, one of the first things I'm gonna do is order some actual coffee for that k-cup machine.
Stetson on my head, boots on my feet, and my denim jacket to take the edge off the cold, I head across the gravel to the horse barn. I can hear that they're awake and making more noise than normal this morning. There's no frost on the ground, and I think they know it. I think they're itching for some freedom in the pasture. Suites me just fine.
Looks like I'm not the only one with the same idea.
I rub my tired eyes to make sure I'm not seeing things, but there he is with boots and hat on, too. Saul don't really wear much 'Western' wear, but when he does - damn, it makes for a gorgeous picture. Tall and lean as he is, riding jeans follow every inch, and the light brown cowboy hat up top sets me on fire.
Fuck. There I go again - checking out my best friend.
Saul's got the brown-spotted Appaloosa, Sugar N' Spice, saddled up and ready to go. The rest of the horses are anxious in their pens, jealous of Sugar's forthcoming ride. Glancing into Charger's stall, I see it's already been mucked. Looks like they've all be fed and watered, too.
With a heavy breath, I clear my throat to make my presence known. "Going for a ride?"
Saul looks up with uncertainty in his eyes but nods. "Figure it's a nice enough day for it. Could use the fresh air."
I hesitate, thumbs in my pockets, then decide to get back on the saddle I fell off last night. "Mind some company? Was going to walk the horses out to the west pasture anyhow."
"Sure. I'll bridle up Charger and Jinx. Assume yer ridin' Amber?"
"Yup," I answer simply, heading for the saddle racks. I think if I keep the conversation light, we can get through this first morning. He aint ignoring me, but something in his eyes has me worried.
We saddle and bridle the rest, Charger putting up the most fight because he prefers to be rode not walked. No one rides him but me or Brandon, but I don't feel like fighting with him all morning. Stubborn horse is too smart for his own good and still has a wild streak in him. I've got enough to think about without having to deal with Charger trying to unbuckle his saddle so he can make a joke out of his rider.
Remembering how he did that once to Kyle has me chuckling as I pet his nose. Saul glances my way, and we share a subtle smile. That friendly look boosts my confidence as I mount Amber. Maybe we can't go back, but maybe we can fix it a bit and start over.
The ride to the west pasture is quiet but pleasant. It feels good having Saul so close, even when there's no words and an uncrossable line between us. When he stops Sugar at the top of the slope that gives a view of Peters Creek and the Sentinel tree beyond, I ease Amber up beside him, hopeful he won't mind me ending the silence.
Before I open my mouth, he speaks. "I think you should stay."
Cold fog signals my exhale. "I've decided to stay. Last night, I... I said what I needed to say, but then I ran from it like a scared fool. I've also decided I don't want to lose my best friend over it."
"Austin," he starts, pauses to bite his bottom lip as I try not to stare at it, then continues. "I've decided to go."
It takes my brain a moment to switch gears from his moist lips to the words that just came out of them. Charger stomps the ground next to me, impatiently telling us he aint happy we've stopped. I can't pay him no mind, even as he nips my leg, because I'm stuck on the look in Saul's eyes.
"You don't have'ta move out of Brandon's-"
"No," he interrupts. "I'm leavin' town. Maybe go see my mom for a bit, then head west... or south... I don't know."
"Your mom?" I can't fucking believe that just came outta his mouth, unless... "She finally leave that bastard?"
His green eyes darken to nearly black, but he twists his head to the side away from me. "No. That sumbitch is still leachin' offa her. Maybe I should go do somethin' 'bout that, once an' fer all."
My hand is on arm, asking him to come back from the demons that just took hold on his spirit. He can't go to that place. It'll have him drinking again quicker than anything else.
Lord have mercy on me, but I've wanted to drive down to San Antonio myself and put a bullet through that man's skull - that motherless bastard who done Saul so wrong; who touched him like none should ever be touching a child. I have me some choice words for Saul's mom, too, for choosing that pendejo over her son.
"Saul, man, if this is about you and me, I-"
His shoulders shake in a violent sob. "Vickie left me. She told me last night that she aint comin' back; that she can't do it no more. Just like you - she done had enough. I can't give enough to you, an' I want too much from her. Aint nothin' in this fucked-up world I can do right by!"
Christ. What is Victoria thinking? Saul's been stuck in the middle, pulled one way then the other, and I've had it. It's time we all stop running around each other and figure this shit out.
"C'mon," I start to turn Amber around. "You and me are going for a drive."
He sniffles. "Where to?"
"New Orleans."
Saul
After packing, explaining things to Brandon then helping him with brunch, Austin and I get a late start on the road. It's nice and quiet on the highway, at least, with it being New Year's Day. Supposed to be the day 'a makin' new starts and resolutions, right? Glancing over at Austin in the driver's seat, I'm hopin' maybe this year I can make some resol
utions I can keep.
Both of our trucks are beat-down, old work mules, so we decided to take a chance and use Vickie's SUV, crossin' our fingers she don't let them haul our asses to jail if we get pulled over. Plus, if Austin's idea works out, it'll be all three 'a us drivin' back. If it don't, then... well, I don't rightly know.
I'm just tryin' to stay stable at this point. My brain hurts, bein' pulled in so many different directions. It can't sort itself out no more than my heart can. The look in Austin's eyes tells me he gets it; tells me he's sorry he was part of it. He can't see that the common denominator in all this mess 'a trouble is me.
It's time I grow up and come ta' terms with some things, I think.
Vickie's right. I've been latched onto her like a life-sucking leech since fifth grade. She found me, took my hand, pulled me outta the shit I was in, and I never let her go. Brandon and Kyle were good friends, but I told Vickie everything; things I didn't tell them 'till later. She did what she could ta' help me fight against the monsters under my bed, and I know I've used her for a security blanket every day since.
She's safe. Familiar. Comforting.
I love her so damn much, but I think maybe I'm startin' ta' understand why she's been pullin' away, and it aint got nothin' ta' do with Austin. Least, not entirely. I've been smotherin' her, holdin' on too tightly, because I was afraid somethin' was gonna come and take her away. I had no idea that somethin' could be me.
Austin's got this idea in his head that if the three of us sit down and talk, we can sort it out. Hell, I don't even know where Austin and I stand right now, much less me an' Vickie, or me and the both 'a them put together. I know what I want, but I'm afraid to hold onto that idea too tightly, too.
Maybe I ought ta' just let it all go - these ideas in my head and my security attachments. Maybe then, when all I've got are some empty hands, I can take a tally and see what's left 'a me. It scares me - the idea 'a what might be left 'a this stupid country boy underneath the leather, the club, Vickie and everything else I've been hiding behind all these years. It scares me, and yet the idea kinda makes me smile.