If You Still Want Me

by CE Kilgore

  "It'll be okay," Alex smiles up at my brother, but I catch the worry in his glossy blue eyes as they join hands.

  Joey brings their joined hands to his lips, kissing Alex's fingers. "I'm just glad you're here."

  "Me, too."

  Aw, that's so sweet, I can't help but smile. Alex is shorter than I pictured, and a bit more boyish, but he actually suits Joey well. The love between them is obvious and uplifting. I'm glad my brother's found someone to share his life with.

  "Hey, Francis!" Austin calls from the kitchen.

  "Yes, Wilfredo?" Joey snorts as Alex mouths a shocked 'Wilfredo?'.

  "Where's your dad keep his colander?"

  "I'll show you."

  "Can I help?" Alex asks as we all pile back into the kitchen where Austin's prepping some rice.

  "Sure, Ferdinand," Austin grins with a wink at Alex as Joey flinches. "That cheese needs to be grated."

  "You..." Alex pivots slowly, picks up an oven mitt and wallops Joey across the chest. "You told him?!"

  "Figured we could start a club," Joey chuckles as Alex tries not to laugh while continuing to beat my brother with the oven mitt.

  The five of us fill Daddy's kitchen with laughter until around three-thirty, when Ruthy makes it six. She keeps apologizing for Michael's 'stupidity', but I keep telling her it's okay. The man has a right to his beliefs. I only wish it wasn't hurting Ruth.

  Apparently, Michael put up a stink when Ruth wanted to bring their little boy, Jonah, to dinner. As if being around family will do any harm to the kid. The ideas some people get in their heads...

  Ruth put her foot down about that, and maybe her foot up Michael's ass, because she brought Jonah anyway. He's been glued to Alex's hip for the past hour. Ruth's thankful for the freedom to relax and help cook, and I think Joey's about to melt into a pile of goo with the way he keeps grinning over at Alex and Jonah from across the kitchen.

  "He's good with kids," I whisper to Joey as we start setting the table.

  Daddy and Jerry should be home with Tabitha any minute. I'm trying not to think about it too much, but I can feel the nerves shaking my hands as I set down a plate. I'm stronger than this, but it's hard to stay calm when so much has changed so quickly.

  "He's great with kids," Joey sighs contently, walking around the table with silverware. "At least that's one thing we don't have to worry about. Gay couples can adopt without a problem. Funny how they're okay with that, but... Sorry. So don't want to get into that tonight."

  I nod, not carrying the subject of marriage any further. "But, you guys do want to adopt a kid?"

  "Kids, as in plural; as in Alex wants three or four rugrats running around playing dress-up and building cushion forts. He grew up an only child, but used to babysit a lot for neighbors." Joey laughs with a quiet snort. "He said that a house without Lego-landmines in the carpet isn't a home."

  I have to laugh at that, because I used to get Joey's Lego bricks embedded in the bottoms of my feet for a pastime. Putting down the last plate, I loop an arm around Joey's waist. "He seems like a really good man. I happy for you."

  Joey sets an arm around my shoulders and squeezes, then exhales. "But...?"

  I laugh into his side. This boy knows me too well. "But, I wish you two weren't moving to the great white north."

  "It's Minnesota, not Canada."

  "Might as well be," a scowl creases my brow against my attempts to remain neutral. I don't want to be a winy toddler about it, but I also have the urge to stomp my feet, pout my lip and shout my displeasure. "It's too far. Think about Daddy-"

  "Don't, Tori," his voice carries a warning to drop it.

  I've never really been one to heed that kind of warning. "Alex wants kids, and that's great, but what about grandparents? Daddy'll want to be part of their lives, and yours. What about Alex's parents?"

  "I've made my decision," he states flatly, his hand dropping from my shoulder. "I'm gonna go check the sweet tea."

  He leaves me there with my mouth hung open. Joey has never spoken to me that way before, or shut me out of what he's really thinking. I don't understand it, and it's left a festering itch under my skin and a wound on my heart.

  In a cursed blessing, I'm not given much time to simmer about Joey's attitude before Tabitha blows into the house like Hurricane Katrina's second coming. Luckily, Jerry and Daddy aren't far behind to rescue us from the storm. I think Tabitha being doped-up on a few medications is also our saving grace.

  "Sweetie," Jerry coos as Tabitha's eyes glare over the activity in the kitchen. "Why don't you sit down at the table. The doctor said not to stand too much yet. Besides, Tori would love more cuddling by her momma."

  Tabitha huffs a bit, but a wince of pain speaks for her. I help Jerry get her settled with baby Tori. Jerry disappears into the kitchen, but Tabitha holds onto my hand as I start to stand back up. "That him?" She nods towards Alex.

  "That's Alex," I reply. "Joey's boyfriend."

  Her grip tightens around my fingers. "Ruth okay with her baby in some stranger's arms?"

  "You know that's wrong to say. Alex is great with children. Just look at Jonah's smile."

  She goes silent, watching as Joey introduces Alex to Daddy and Jerry. Jerry grins and shifts Tessa to his other hip so he can shake Alex's free hand, as simply as if they were two dads meeting at the park. Alex offers the hand to Daddy, but Daddy ignores it and pulls Alex into a hug instead. The relieved, joy-filled smile on Alex's face is heartwarming.

  "It's not right," Tabitha mutters with a tsking cluck of her tongue.

  "For you," I correct.

  A heavy sigh stutters her chest as Tori gurgles and snuggles more deeply into Tabitha's chest. "That one yours, then?"

  I follow her eyes towards Austin's back as he faces the stove. Guess I was right about Jerry spilling the beans. "That's Austin. He's mine, and Saul's."

  Tabitha's head slowly shakes, her lips a tight line. I know she wants to say something - tell me I'm wrong, or crazy, or both. I probably am a little crazy, but that's my boys' fault for driving so damn nuts.

  "I don't understand it," she finally says, her eyes narrowing a bit as Saul slides a hand up Austin's back. "I really do not understand it, Victoria. None of it. I-"

  "I love them both, Tabi, and they both love me. They also love each other. What else is there to understand? Other people's love doesn't have to make sense to anyone else."

  She sighs again, so I squeeze her hand. "Jerry loves you and you love Jerry. Simple as that, right?"

  "God blessed me with that man," Tabitha agrees in a rare lowering of her defenses. "But, it's not the same."

  "You're absolutely right. It's not the same. No love is, but that doesn't make it wrong."

  Her mouth opens then shuts. A tight breath huffs through her nose. She shifts the baby then glances up at me. "I want to be a good sister, but I can't lie, either. I don't know if I'll ever understand or approve of it. That goes for you and Joey. It makes me uncomfortable."

  Just as I'm about to offer a rebuttal, she brings our joined hands up to eye-level. "But it doesn't make me love either of you any less."

  Stunned silent and momentarily stupid, all I can manage is a smiling nod and a rub of my thumb across the back of her fingers. I'm not sure what Daddy and Jerry have been talking to her about while at the hospital, or if perhaps this unexpectedly calm and reasonable response from her can somehow be attributed to her meds and postpartum hormones, but I'll take it over the shit-storm I'd been waiting for.

  "There's my other girls," Daddy's uplifted voice greets us as he comes to sit at the table. "Figured I better come sit in here 'fore I start taking bites outta everything. I'm starving, and the smells comin' outta that kitchen... Sweet mercy, that boy Austin can cook!"

  Tabitha lets go of my hand with a snort. "Which is a blessing, I'm sure, because Lord knows Victoria can't."

  "Hey, now," I laugh, because it's true. If it aint microwaveable, I don't buy it.

  "So true," Ruth comments as
she sits down with Jonah on her lap then shrugs at us. "Boys kicked me out."

  "And me," Alex smiles sheepishly as he sits next to Ruth, now with Tessa on his hip. An uneasy glance shifts to Tabitha. "Congratulations on your new baby, ma'am."

  I hold my breath then let it slowly out as Tabitha replies with a kind smile. "Thank you. You seem to be good with kids. Tessa don't much take to strangers."

  "Joey says I'm a kid-magnet. Can't help it. They're fun. So, I'm perfectly fine with being kicked out of the kitchen to entertain miss Tessa here." He pauses to make a googly-face, to which Tessa claps with gibberish-filled approval. "I'm not much help in a kitchen, honestly. Joey's a much better cook."

  "Then I suggest you two take cooking classes together," Tabitha chuckles. "That boy once burnt a whole turkey to ash."

  Alex's baby-blues go wide. "He never told me." With a lean forward, he meets Tabitha's gaze. "Please, do tell me more."

  Tabitha's lip twitches into a smirk. "Well-"

  "She'll do no such thing," Joey's voice startles them both, flushing Alex's cheeks bright red. Joey sets down two, piping-hot tortilla warmers while giving Tabitha a questioning glance.

  She meets the glance then shrugs. "I figure the boy could use some ammo against your antics."

  Daddy's grin goes from ear to ear. "I could always bring out the picture albums."

  Joey gulps. "You wouldn't."

  Ruth hoots. "Remember how big his ears were in the third grade?"

  "Or the fourth grade?" I join in. "Braces and glasses."

  "Now, wait just a minute," Joey's trying to talk over us as Saul carries in a huge ceramic dish filled with enchiladas. "Saul, back a brother up!"

  Saul pats Joey's shoulder. "You weren't so bad with the braces and glasses. But, in the sixth grade, you got that weird idea in your head that every occasion called for a bow tie."

  "They're fashionable!" he scoffs, sending us all into laughter.

  "So," Alex snickers. "That explains the box of bow ties in your closet. I'd begun to think you had a crush on Bill Nye or something."

  Ruth leans over with a mischievous glint. "Where do you think he got the idea? Boy used to watch that science show like a second religion!"

  "Ruthy," Joey whines, his head in his hands. "Great, now my boyfriend thinks I'm a nerd."

  Alex reaches up and takes Joey's hand. "I already knew that, hon. Your rock collection kinda gave you away."

  "My boy still collects rocks?" Daddy slaps his knee in a chest-shaking chuckle.

  I butt in, remembering Joey's fascination with rocks and fossils. "I used to take him to the park, and he'd spend the whole time with his eyes on the ground, looking for dinosaur bones."

  "Tori..." Now Joey's groaning at me as I bat my eyes innocently. Payback's a bitch, and we all owe Joey a point or two.

  Alex sucks back his own laughter with eyes up to Joey. "Admit it. This is the real reason you were afraid for me to meet your folks."

  With a heavy, smiling sigh, Joey slumps down into the chair next to him. "Maybe."

  The conversation only intensifies with more embarrassing stories relayed over Joey's muttered protests as Austin, Saul and Jerry load up the table with more Tex-Mex than a San Antonio wedding. Alex eats with Tessa in his lap, getting her to try the food and not seeming to care when more food ends up on his shirt than in Tessa's mouth. When she slaps a refried-bean-covered hand to Alex's cheek, he laughs as Jerry comes to the rescue.

  "My princess Tessa is still working on her manners." Jerry whisks the girl to the bathroom.

  "I believe I've been honored by her majesty," Alex retorts, turning red as Joey wipes the cheek clean.

  Daddy pats his belly, leaning back in his chair with a satisfied grin. "My compliments, Austin. Best Tex-Mex I've had in a real long time."

  "Thank you, sir," Austin's fighting a blush. "I had good help."

  "Don't be shy, cowboy," Saul teases. "You did most of the cookin'."

  Tabitha continues to be shockingly cordial. "I'd like the recipe for the enchiladas, if that's okay?"

  "I'd love to share it," Austin smiles across the table as Jerry returns with a clean Tessa. "It's actually my Nana's recipe, with a few alterations by my sister, Annabelle. Annabelle likes things a little less spicy, while Nana believes it's not right if it doesn't burn your tongue a little."

  "Do they live in Dallas?" Ruth asks.

  "Just south of the city," Austin replies.

  "And your parents?" Jerry asks innocently, but Austin visibly stiffens, replacing Jerry's smile with a concerned frown.

  "They live in Mexico. We don't... talk much."

  "Sorry to hear that, son," Daddy emphasizes that last word so strongly, all eyes turn to him.

  Austin's jaw twitches as his gray eyes mist. "Thank you, sir, and for sharing your family with me."

  "Maybe we can make this our new New Year's tradition," Daddy suggests with glances around the table. He's trying to make this feel even more normal - that what we're doing as a family isn't weird or wrong just because our family isn't made up of what's considered the standard pieces. I am so proud to call this man my father.

  "I think that's an excellent idea," Tabitha continues to blow my mind. "Although, I plan on giving Michael a stern talking to. He knows family dinners are not to be missed under any circumstance. Also, do you boys think you can make the time to come back home from up yonder in the snow?"

  That last question is aimed at Joey, who squirms, while Alex meet's Tabitha's stern look head on. My respect for the man grows. "Yes, ma'am. Although, the decision to move north hasn't been finalized yet."

  Uh-oh. I can tell right away that this is an unwelcome revelation for Joseph. I don't understand why he's so hell-bent on moving up north and getting away from all of us.

  Joey's eyes narrow a bit as he leans back from Alex. "It hasn't? But, you were accepted to your Uncle's company with an internship."

  "Yes, and that's still an option, but we have a whole semester to decide where we go after graduation. Another opportunity has come up that I'd like to discuss. Maybe after dinner?"

  I can see Alex isn't as boyish as he lets on, and Joey is left blinking at the man for a moment before exhaling. "Alright. We'll talk about it some more after dinner."

  "We'll get dessert started," Austin interjects into the silence that follows, standing from the table with Saul following. "Saul and I are going to fry up some sopapillas and churros."

  "Hallelujah!" Ruth praises the ceiling before turning to me. "You got yourself two keepers, sis."

  Amen to that.

  Austin

  Light laughter flows into the silent kitchen from the dining room as I rest my palms on the counter with a deep inhale. Saul's arms wrap around my waist from behind, giving me a moment of fear at getting caught or causing some sort of offense to Victoria's family, but the moment quickly melts away as Mr. Harris' words leave me feeling at ease. The man called me son. Again.

  My heart is starting to believe it.

  "You alright, amigo?"

  My hands find Saul's and interlace our fingers. "I think so. A bit shocked, I guess."

  "Shocked?"

  "Yeah," I twist around in his arms to face him, glancing towards the dining room. "About how well this is going."

  "Oh," his voice lowers. "You mean Tabitha? Jerry said he and Elijah had a talk with her. She's not completely onboard, but she's tryin' ta' do what's right for the family. Unlike Michael... But, he was raised different. Real conservative."

  "And that's what I'm worried about. Ruth's here, but I can tell she's upset and embarrassed by her husband not coming. I don't want to start a rift in their family."

  "Our family," he corrects with a stern look he doesn't get very often. "Michael has every right to his opinion. He also has every right to sit alone at home eatin' a frozen dinner along with his foot if he feels so inclined as ta' turn down family time an' a home-cooked meal."

  "I suppose," but it doesn't help my gut settle. I step out of hi
s embrace to grab the dough for the sopapillas that's been cut into triangles, and I flick the stove on to heat the oil. "Can you grab the churro batter from the fridge?"

  "I can," he says as he pivots towards the fridge, but I can tell he's not ready to drop our conversation. "If you tell me what else is eatin' you."

  Dammit. "It's nothing."

  "Liar," he nips the back of my neck, making me shiver, then sets down the batter-filled bowl onto the counter. "No more secrets, remember."

  I know he's right, but I take a minute to gather the thoughts in my head as I begin spooning the batter into a pastry bag. "The man called me son, Saul. He called me son, but I haven't been honest with him, or any of them."

  "Honest 'bout what?"

  "That Victoria's involved with a man like me... A man who's been in a gang and went to prison for it."

  "That won't matter-"

  "You don't know that," I snap back, then exhale the worry-filled anger. "I'm sorry. I just... I'm having trouble accepting... all this acceptance."

  Does that even make any kinda sense? I don't really know. I've known Victoria's family for less than two days, and I'm already attached to them. "It feels wrong to keep it from them, especially Elijah."

  "Keep what from me, son?"

  My heart stops before sinking to the bottom of my chest as Elijah's voice joins our conversation. Unhitching my lungs, I take in a breath and turn to face the only man in ten years who's called me son without spitting at me. The concern in his eyes threatens my courage, but Saul's hand slipping into mine gives it back.

  "There's something I'd like to discuss with everyone."

  "Alright," Elijah nods, walking over to the counter where a convenience-store sack holds the pipe tobacco he'd been after. "Why don't we discuss it over dessert, whenever y'all are ready."

  "Good idea," Saul says. "Best not keep Ruthy waiting, or she's likely ta' come tan our hides for some churros."

  Elijah chuckles at that, but the worry in his eyes remains. "True. I'll leave you to it, then."

  After he leaves, I feel my soul collapsing. Luckily, Saul is right there to keep me up and offer a steady hand with dessert so I don't burn my shaking hands off. The churros don't turn out as straight as I'd like, but Saul assures me they taste fine and are worth the burnt tongue he just earned by not waiting for them to cool.