by Nicole Hart
I needed to see him. I knew I should probably call first, but I didn’t. I simply took the cab straight to Whiskey Bent. I assumed he would be working tonight as he did most nights.
But as the cab pulled up to the bar, I noticed the small sign on the front of the old metal door.
C L O S E D
“Hold on one second, please.” I motioned my index finger to the cab driver as I slung the car door open and jogged to the building, making sure I read it right.
I was so confused. They ran a pretty successful bar, and the fact that it was closed again really worried me. It was obvious something had happened, and I hoped everything was okay. Logan said his brother was going through some things, and I assumed this was tied to it. But I couldn’t ignore the gnawing feeling eating away in the pit of my stomach.
Something was wrong, I could feel it. I needed to make sure Logan was okay. I hopped back into the cab and gave him Logan’s address. It wasn’t far, I’d be at his door by the time I even called, so I decided to just go straight there.
“Thank you,” I mumbled to the driver as I handed him my cash, reluctantly, before I jumped out of the car.
I jogged up the steps and knocked on the door, waiting and watching the taillights of the cab as it pulled away and out of sight.
I stared at the peephole, waiting for some sign of Logan. I heard Bentley on the other side, grunting and snorting, but that was all. I knocked three more times before I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sent him a text.
Hey. I’m at your door. Missed you. You home?
I stared at my phone, waiting for a reply. The little bubbles floated across the screen before disappearing. I stared between the peephole and my phone, waiting for some sort of answer.
Nothing.
I knocked once more, but wanted to kick myself for doing so. Apparently, he didn’t want to see me or even answer my text. The knot in my stomach began to thrash violently into my ribcage. My hands began to shake, and I realized how stupid I was for just standing here.
I turned on my heel and walked down the stairs. Stopping short, I looked quickly over my shoulder, and I knew I saw a shadow by the window. But he didn’t open the door, and he never responded to my message.
So I picked up the pace, and before I knew it, my feet were running, desperate to get as far away as I could right now. I just wanted to be in my bed to wallow in my own self-pity.
The brisk night air didn’t slow me down—I just kept running.
Running.
From the pain.
From the worry.
From the stupid feelings I let myself catch.
I should have known better. If something seemed too good to be true, it probably was.
Chapter Twenty-Three
I sat on the steps outside of my apartment, just staring at the moon. The temperature was cold tonight, although I didn’t feel. I had been numb for a couple of days. I did my usual: I went to work, came home, and stared into space.
I didn’t understand any of this. But I didn’t cry. Tears didn’t do any good. Tears didn’t change a damn thing.
Logan managed to change my outlook on life in such a short amount of time. He gave me hope. He made me laugh, and he made me believe everything would be fine. Until it wasn’t. Funny how one moment of being discarded could put me right back where I was before I knew him. But it was worse this time. Now I knew happiness existed, I knew peace was something I was capable of feeling. Yet, it was gone in one fleeting minute. It pissed me off to have allowed a man that kind of power over my feelings.
Dammit. I missed him.
I noticed the screen on my phone light up as it sat beside me on the cold concrete. My eyes stared, hoping it was the name I wanted to see. Unfortunately, it wasn’t, and I shook my head before attempting to read his message. I knew it would make everything worse. He had a habit of doing so. It’s like he had some weird power that gave him the ability to kick me when I was down. I knew I was a sucker for punishment as I grabbed my phone, my fingers cold and stiff from the night air.
Brian: I still miss you.
I knew I shouldn’t text back. I didn’t want to give him a reason to keep texting me. Whatever we had was over, and I thought I had made that perfectly clear. Besides, I knew myself, and I wasn’t exactly the best at making good judgment calls when I was emotional. As my fingers started to type, my brain screamed at me to put the phone down, turn it off, throw it in the street, whatever I needed to do to prevent myself from responding. But my fingers kept moving.
We weren’t good for each other. I’m not what you want, you’re not what I need. Just let it go.
I stared at the screen as the little bubbles appeared immediately. I knew I shouldn’t wait for his response. I should’ve just blocked his number and saved myself from this conversation.
Brian: I should have known better than to string you along. I can give you what you need.
Dammit. I didn’t want him to be nice right now. I needed the asshole who made me miserable for months to make an appearance. I knew better than to fall for his lines.
I knew what I had to do. Although, I wasn’t strong enough. I knew I wanted Logan, but he didn’t want me. I also knew Brian wasn’t the answer. The best thing for me to do was avoid him altogether; otherwise, I would make a mistake. A lonely mistake I was sure to regret.
My fingers worked furiously on my settings, and I blocked his number before another text came through. A sigh of relief escaped my lips, I knew I had done the right thing. I wasn’t interested in going backward.
I dropped my phone beside me as I watched an older couple stroll hand in hand down the sidewalk. As he pulled her closer into him, falling in step as she stared up at him, her love and admiration for him was obvious. He kissed her forehead, without missing a beat, and I felt a sharp pang of jealousy. I didn’t know if they had been together for a week or twenty years, but it didn’t matter, because they were in love. It was obvious, even for someone who didn’t quite understand what it felt like. I worried I would never have that. I wasn’t sure if I was just destined to be alone. Forever.
My phone began to ring, and I jerked my eyes to the sky before looking at the screen. I knew I would be disappointed when I didn’t see Logan’s name across the glass. And I would be pissed if it were Brian calling from another number. But I also knew my curiosity would get the best of me, and I glanced down at the ringing phone. It was a number I didn’t recognize, and I debated on whether or not to answer it. Although, I didn’t recognize the area code, so I got a little worried that maybe it was Maxi, and something might be wrong.
That single thought caused me to swipe the phone into my hand and answer quickly.
“Hello?” I bit the inside of my cheek waiting for a reply.
“Um, hi, is this Jess?” The unfamiliar female voice spoke into my ear, and I got nervous, unsure of what was about to be said next.
“Yes, it is,” I answered, the wary tone in my voice obvious.
“Hi,” she repeated once more before continuing while I sat in silence, waiting. “Um, this is Reese, Gage’s girlfriend.” My heart began to pound against my chest, my trembling hand causing the phone to shake against my ear. “Logan’s brother…” Her voice trailed off.
I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat, determined to speak, but scared, thoroughly scared of this conversation.
“I remember you.” My whispered voice cracked, and the shakiness in my tone made me sound like a completely different person.
“I’m sorry, are you busy?” she asked, her tone was warm, but the worry in it didn’t go unnoticed.
“No…what’s wrong?”
Something was wrong. It had to be. There was no other reason for her to call. We hadn’t spoken since the night at the bar when Logan tackled Brian. I wasn’t even sure how she got my number. It was Logan, and it was bad, every fiber of my being could feel it, and it made me want to throw up.
“I really hate to do this over the phone, but I thought
you had a right to know…”
Oh God, please no. The worst possible scenario ran through my mind, and my eyes filled with tears waiting for her words.
“What is it?” I squeaked, my voice almost inaudible, my lips quivering.
“Logan is in the hospital,” she started, and I interrupted before she could get another word out.
“What’s wrong? Is he okay? What happened?” I fired questions at her, one after the other before she had a chance to reply.
“Wait, just listen, okay?” A calmness in her voice took front and center, which surprisingly calmed me down, just a little.
“Sorry.”
“You know about his OCD, right? Logan told Gage he talked to you about it.”
“Yes,” I replied, more confused than before.
“He had a really bad…um, episode. Gage took him to the hospital, and they admitted him. I don’t have a lot of details yet, but I know Logan cares for you, and you deserve to know, no matter what he said.”
“What do you mean? What did he say?” Tears streamed down my cheeks, my heart physically aching.
“He didn’t want you to know. I think he’s embarrassed, but you know it’s not his fault, right?” Her voice carried a defensive tone which would probably make anyone else angry, but I knew it was out of love for Logan and worry about his wellbeing.
“Of course it’s not,” I whispered.
“Okay. I just wasn’t sure—Gage wasn’t sure. I knew you were different,” she said with a sigh, and I wasn’t sure what she meant, but right now, it didn’t matter. I just needed to see him with my own eyes.
“Where is he?” I asked, trying not to sound too demanding. I was thankful she had called, but now I needed more than just a phone call.
“He’s at Brooklyn Hospital Center, but he doesn’t want to see…anyone.” I knew by anyone, she meant me, and the ache in my chest made it hard to breathe.
“What can I do? What do I do?” I cried into the receiver, unable to hold back the tears, my emotions overwhelmed me.
“I’m not sure,” she admitted. “I’ll keep in touch with you. I just knew you would be worried if you didn’t hear from him. I’m hoping he’ll come around once they get him stable and get in touch with you.”
Stable. That was a scary fucking word.
“Please let me know what’s going on, Reese. Please,” I begged.
“I will. I promise. Gage is on his way home now, and I’ll call you as soon as I know more, okay?”
“Thank you,” I mumbled, trying my best to hold everything in until the call was disconnected.
“You’re welcome. Talk to you soon. Bye.” She hung up as soon as I repeated her last word.
I let the phone slide down my face and land in my lap. The tears continued to fall, and I cried harder than I had since I was a child. My audible weeping echoed in my breezeway. It didn’t matter who heard me. I didn’t care.
My heart was broken, and I was scared. But not for me—it was broken for him. All I could think about was how long he tried to fight through it alone before Gage got to him. I couldn’t fathom him struggling by himself.
I was hurting. For him. I wanted to take his pain, take his worry, take his embarrassment. He didn’t deserve to carry it, especially alone.
My heart shattered into pieces. For Logan.
Chapter Twenty-Four
I stared at the bags under my eyes in the bathroom mirror of the diner, splashing water on my face for the third time. I hadn’t slept all night, and I was a wreck. The stupid tears kept creeping up on me unexpectedly. This time, it was when I tried to place drinks on the table for a customer who had on a green shirt. The color reminded me of Logan, and I broke down. I’m sure I confused the poor guy when he asked for a straw, and the tears started to flow.
The door swung open, and Nancy stood beside me, draping her arm over my shoulder and giving it a squeeze.
“Sorry, I’m fine. I’ll get back out there.” A long sigh followed as I tilted my head back, willing the tears to stay in place.
“What’s going on, honey?”
“Logan’s in the hospital. He’s having some issues…” I felt as if I were betraying Logan by giving too many details. Besides, she might not understand, and I didn’t want to get defensive toward Nancy, of all people.
“Then what are you doing here?” She put her hand on her hip, tilted her head, and gave me a death stare.
“He doesn’t want to see me. It’s complicated. I’m sorry, I can’t say more than that,” I admitted.
“It’s not drugs, is it?” The fact that drugs was her first instinct made me sad, but I knew it was because of the situation her son was in right now.
“No, it’s nothing like that. It’s not anything he can control.” The tears started to fall again when a vision of Logan being carried out on a stretcher flashed through my mind. “Dammit,” I mumbled, wiping the tears from my cheeks, my face burning, feeling raw.
“Listen, Jess, sometimes men are idiots. What they want and what they need don’t always go hand in hand. If you love him, go to him.”
“I never said I loved him. I haven’t even known him that long.” My body language tried to deny it, that word rolling around in my mind.
She began to chuckle and shook her head while staring at me as if I had three of them.
“Time and love. One has nothing to do with the other. I loved my Johnny the first time I saw him. I was a stupid teenager with stars in my eyes, but I knew what he made me feel. And I see it all over you, Jess. Don’t try to deny something just because you don’t quite understand it.”
“None of it matters if he won’t see me.” I wiped another tear from my cheek.
“You’ll also never know unless you try.” She patted my back before putting her hand on the door.
“Now, go. We’ve got plenty of staff here, and it’s slow. You do what’s right,” she stated before walking out the bathroom, not even looking back at me.
“Hi, I’m looking for a patient…Logan Carter,” I said softly, leaning closer to the receptionist sitting at the desk of the mental health division of the hospital. She gave me a onceover before scrolling through her computer. I stared down at my waitress uniform, only realizing in that moment I was still wearing it.
“One moment please,” she muttered as she typed.
I glanced at my surroundings. The room was neutral and void of any decorations. Most waiting areas had plants or cheesy artwork. But it was bare, which made it feel even more sterile than I wanted it to be. I only hoped they treated Logan more personably than they decorated their office.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Carter isn’t accepting any visitors at this time.” She gave me a sad smile, and I wanted to roll my eyes at her pity.
“Can you tell me if he’s okay?” I pleaded. I just needed answers.
“I’m sorry, I can’t give you any specific information. But ma’am, I can assure you that we take very good care of all our patients. We have a phenomenal staff, and our doctors are the most qualified in their field.”
“Do you have a pen and a sheet of paper I can borrow, please?” My eyes begged her to cooperate with me.
“Here you go.” She handed both in my direction and gave me the saddest smile.
“Thank you,” I mumbled, making my way to a chair in the corner.
Logan,
This isn’t your fault. I want to make sure you understand that. Please, don’t shut me out. I want to be there for you, in any way you need or want. I know we haven’t known each other that long, but you mean more to me than you could imagine. And I’m not ready to let that go.
You made me feel.
Jess
I folded the sheet of paper, more times than necessary before rising and making my way back to the receptionist’s desk.
“Will you please make sure he gets this? Please?” My eyes began to tear up once again as I spoke, and I bit the inside of my cheek, hoping to distract them.
“I can pass it on to his docto
r and let him decide.” She smiled sweetly while nodding her head.
“Okay, thank you.” I knew there was nothing else I could do. They wouldn’t let me see him, and sitting in this cold waiting room wouldn’t change anything.
I walked out of the hospital, the brisk air slapping me in the face, and I tried to decide which direction to go. I didn’t know if I could handle going back to work. The tears threatened to make an appearance once again, so I lifted my head toward the sky, trying to keep them at bay.
I decided going home and crying it out was the best option. I reached into my purse to shoot Nancy a quick text when something on the ground caught my eye.
A postcard was against my shoe, the corner perched under it, the rest flapping in the wind.
I reached down and picked it up, my vision blurry from the tears that sat in place. The New York City skyline shined brightly against the dark sky with the name of the city scrolled across the top. I flipped it over, and the tears flowed down my cheeks as I strained to read the words I knew were meant just for me.
New York City
It’s been waiting for you…
I never really believed in signs, until this minute. Or maybe I just never received any. But I had no doubt that was exactly what this was. I gripped the card between my fingers, and held it close to my chest. I wouldn’t give up on Logan. He needed me just as much as I needed him. Even if he didn’t know it.
Those postcard eyes.
“I’m not giving up,” I whispered as I made my way to the subway.
Chapter Twenty-Five
“It’s been three days,” I whined to Maxi with the receiver to my ear while I sprawled out on my bed.
“Did his brother’s girlfriend call you back?” Her voice oozed sweetness when she was worried about me.
“Yesterday,” I stated but was interrupted by Maxi as soon as I spoke.
“Well, why the hell didn’t you tell me that yesterday?” She tried to be stern, but I could tell she was smiling.