by Nicole Hart
“No, it’s not that.” Reese tried to reassure me.
“But I don’t understand.” My lips quivered, my emotions taking center stage.
“Sometimes it’s hard to understand Logan’s reasoning. It’s the nature of the fucking beast, man.” He grumbled, rubbing his hands over his beard, clearly stressed from the situation.
“I just want to be there for him—whatever it takes. I mean, if he doesn’t want me, that’s one thing. But if he’s only trying to keep me away because he thinks he’s helping me, that’s not happening.”
Reese smiled and turned her attention to Gage.
“I told you,” she whispered, and he gave her a small smile without looking in my direction. These two were smitten with each other, and the pang of jealousy hit me once again.
“If you could just explain that to him, Gage. Please,” I begged. “I’m not giving up on him.”
“Look, it’s obvious you care about him and we…” She paused and glanced briefly at Gage. “Will do whatever it takes to get through to him. We’ll work together on this, I promise.” Reese walked over and sat beside me on the sofa, draping her arm across my shoulder and giving it a light squeeze.
“Thank you.” I smiled, although a tear was streaming down my cheek.
For the first time since I stood on Logan’s doorstep, I had a shimmer of hope.
It wasn’t much, but it was more than before, and right now, I would take whatever I could get.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“Are you sure you don’t mind if I crash at your place?” Maxi asked for the third time today, her voice coming from the phone that was on speaker, sitting on my dresser as I changed from my work uniform.
“Are you kidding me? Of course not.” I shook my head as I threw my uniform in the corner; I didn’t want to look at it. I had a rare two days off in a row, and I didn’t even want to think about the diner.
“I just don’t want to be a bother.”
“Hush,” I joked. “When does your flight land?” I figured I could at least take the AirTrain and meet her at the airport.
“Nine thirty, but my dad said he would arrange for a car to bring me to your apartment. He forgets I’m an adult now.” Her laugh filled my bedroom, and it was contagious. I was so thankful she didn’t have a bad teenage attitude when it came to her parents. Although she wanted her independence, she didn’t fault them for being overprotective.
My call waiting started to beep, and I glanced down at my phone.
Reese.
“Maxi, Maxi...let me call you back, it’s Reese calling,” I stammered, anxious to switch lines.
“Oh,” she gasped. “Yeah, go! Hurry!” she said before ending our call. She understood how important this was, and I was grateful.
“Hello? Hello?” I started to speak before I even got the phone to my ear.
“Hey, Jess?”
“Yeah, hey, Reese. How are you?” I asked, although all I really wanted to know was if she had heard from Logan. I liked Reese, I really did, but the whole situation with Logan kept my insides in a bunch, and I just needed a little comfort. And that would only come from Logan knowing where I stood.
“I’m good. Um…are you home?” Her voice had a trace of worry in it, and my nerves kicked up a notch.
“I am, what’s wrong?”
“Gage went to see Logan earlier, and he wrote you a letter.”
“I’ll come get it right now,” I blurted out before she could say anything else.
“Actually…” She giggled. “I’m outside your apartment in a cab.”
I ran through my house and jerked the front door open before I replied.
“Well damn.” Her amusement echoed in my ear as I ran down my steps.
She opened the back door of the taxi and stood. She really was stunning. Even though she was simply dressed in ripped jeans and a black long-sleeved shirt with a flannel tied around her hips, she could have walked a runway. Her long hair was in a top knot, and she had some kick-ass combat boots on. Her style was amazing. She oozed New York City.
We both ended the call at the same time as we met at the bottom of my stairs.
“Thank you,” I mumbled, a little out of breath. I walked almost everywhere I went, running was a different story.
“I’m just going to be honest and tell you it took everything in me not to read this.” Her admission almost made me laugh as she pulled the envelope out of her back pocket.
I stared at the piece of paper in her hand, and my heart started to pound even harder.
“I just appreciate you bringing it.” I took the envelope, trying my best not to snatch it.
“Okay, I know you’re anxious to read it, and you don’t want me watching over your shoulder, so I’m going to go. But call me if you need anything. Okay?” She reached down and gave me a gentle hug, that I reciprocated, although I was a little shocked. I was just now getting used to people being affectionate with me, but I had to admit that her gesture was comforting.
“I will. Thanks,” I whispered, trying to make eye contact with her but staring at the handwriting on the front of the envelope.
“Talk to ya soon.” She waved before closing the taxi door.
“Bye,” I mumbled, unable to take my eyes off the ray of hope I held in my hand. I tried not to get too excited, but it was hard. For all I knew, this letter could tell me to forget I ever met him. Unshed tears stung my eyes at the mere thought of it.
I ran with a purpose, back up my stairs and into my apartment, closing my bedroom door behind me, trying to breathe through the butterflies that thrashed in my stomach. I tried to control my shaking fingers as I opened the letter.
Jess,
The first time I saw you, the voices in my head got quiet. All the things I constantly obsessed over took a back seat to your presence. I didn’t understand it, but you soothed me without saying a word.
The way your hair falls over your eyes, but you immediately brush it behind your ear. The way you lick your lips when you’re nervous. The way your eyes squint when you are trying to figure something out. The way your mouth curls at the edges when I stare at you. You’re perfection, and you can’t even see it.
And that’s what scares the hell out of me. I’m scared that you’ll get sick of me and my issues. I’m scared it will be too much for you. But I’m also scared to death of letting you go and never seeing you again. And I don’t know which one is worse.
I’m trying to get better in here, but I’m not naïve. I’ve lived with this for long enough to know my fucked-up tics aren’t going anywhere. And it kills me to think I’m not enough for you. But it’s the truth.
I know I don’t deserve you, but it doesn’t change the fact that I want you.
You were the first thing that ever calmed me.
I’m here for twenty more days, but I miss you more than you can imagine.
Love,
Logan
A tear fell onto the paper, smudging the ink, and I jerked it away, refusing to ruin his words.
But the tears wouldn’t stop. So I didn’t try to control them. I allowed myself to weep. For Logan. For us. For this fucked-up life we had both been dealt.
I crawled under my comforter and decided to torture myself a little more. I pulled my phone from my pocket and stared at the picture I snapped of Logan at his apartment. Those postcard eyes glistened at me, his broad smile leaving his perfect teeth on display. There was so much good in him that he couldn’t even see.
He didn’t think he was enough. I knew better. He was more than enough.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
I jumped off the sofa when I heard a knock at the door. I knew it was Maxi; she sent me a text when she got in the car and started making her way to my apartment. She made it here faster than I expected with all the traffic.
“Hey!” I beamed, throwing the door open, staring at my sister’s shocked face.
“Hey, holy shit,” she mumbled as she glanced up at me, but her phone kept drawing h
er attention as she reached down and gave me a hug.
“What is it?” I knew it must be something important to completely consume her.
“I think I found Isaac…sort of.” She had a confused look on her face, and I needed to know details. The thought of finding Isaac almost made my heart burst. He was always so fragile I knew he needed extra care wherever he ended up.
“Oh my God, really? Sit, sit.” I looped my arms through hers and pulled her to the sofa.
We both sat down, and I watched as Maxi read whatever was on her phone. The waiting drove me a little crazy.
“Tell me, what did you find out?” I nudged her leg repeatedly until she looked over at me.
“Okay.” She blinked a few times, trying to gather her thoughts. “So, I was waiting for my flight, and I got a call from the private investigator my dad hired to help me find you.” She shook her head, as if in disbelief.
“And…” I pried.
“Well, come to find out, he stopped going by Isaac when he bounced around foster homes and started going by Cade…” She stared at me in confusion.
“That was his middle name…is his middle name. Is? Not was? Right?” I had a horrible fear it was the latter.
“Oh, okay, I didn’t remember that. But anyway, yeah is…I think.”
“Okay.” I let out a sigh of relief and waited for her to continue.
“Um…so I did a Facebook search, and I found a Cade Bridges, and it looked like it could be him.”
“Can I see?” I needed to at least see a picture as proof that he got the chance to grow up, and he was okay.
“Yeah…” She held up the screenshot on her phone. “It’s kind of dark, but you can tell it’s him.”
“Yeah,” I mumbled, staring at the photo. He had the same dark hair, but it was shorter, so the way it used to curl at the ends wasn’t visible anymore. His eyes were the same…but different. They looked empty, hollow. It gave me a knot in the pit of my stomach as I continued to stare.
“Anyway, the profile was public, but he hadn’t posted in like two years. But I saw a tag from a girl that looked like it might be his girlfriend. It was an old tag, but I figured it was worth a shot. So, I messaged her. And Malina, that’s her name, responded a few minutes ago.”
I was impressed with Maxi’s stalking skills. I wasn’t social media savvy enough to even think about doing any of that.
“What did she say?”
“She was pretty open—I was shocked actually. She said that Cade…” Maxi made air quotes with her fingers before continuing, “lived with her family for a while, that she was in love with him, but his habits kept getting him in trouble.”
My heart sank.
“She said he came home high and started a fight with her dad, then her parents kicked him out.”
“So, he’s homeless?” I massaged my temples, a brutal headache coming at me fast and furious.
“I think so. She said he crashes on different couches, just trying to get by. She said he called her last week because he was hungry. She met him outside and gave him food and blankets, but her parents won’t allow him anywhere near the house. You can tell she has a lot of sympathy for him.”
“This is horrible,” I mumbled. The fears I had all these years were true.
“It is. I just hate thinking about him having it hard all these years. It makes me feel guilty that I got so lucky. It’s not fair, ya know?” She shook her head, and I watched as a single tear slid down her cheek.
“Don’t, Maxi…we were just kids.” I wiped the tear from her cheek, and for the first time, I actually believed the words I spoke. Truly believed them. We were just kids. We couldn’t change or control what happened. It wasn’t our fault.
Strange how someone else’s guilt can make you feel differently about a situation, but I’d been convinced all these years that my own guilt was justified.
“We should find him,” Maxi blurted out and stared at me, waiting for my response.
“But how?”
“We work with Malina and figure out a way to meet up with him.”
“Do you think she’s trustworthy?” I rarely saw the good in people, especially without proof.
“Well, if she’s not, we’re no worse off than before, right?” She shrugged.
“I guess that’s true. But where is he? Where does she live?” I knew he had to be close to her. I’m sure he didn’t have a car, so everything had to be within walking distance, or maybe a bus if they had public transportation in the area.
“Her profile said Pittsfield, Massachusetts,” she mumbled as her fingers worked feverishly across the screen of her phone. “Do you have a license?” Maxi asked out of nowhere before looking over at me.
“I do.” I kept it up to date, for identification purposes only, even though I hadn’t driven in years. I saved up for an old clunker when I was nineteen and taught myself to drive. It broke down a year after I bought it, and I never had the money to get it fixed or buy another one. Once I moved to the city, my feet were the perfect transportation. And they didn’t charge me gas money, so they worked just fine.
“Okay, Pittsfield is three hours from here. Let’s rent a car and just do it.” Her pupils were huge as she turned to face me.
“What? How?” She wasn’t thinking things through. We couldn’t just jump in a car and head to a different state.
“I have a credit card my dad gave me. It’s for emergencies only, but this is an emergency.” She lifted her eyebrows.
“I don’t know, Maxi.” I wasn’t sure about it, I never did anything without saving and thinking things through—it’s how I worked.
“Listen, I’ll let my parents know. They’ll be okay with it. We’ll have to rent the car in your name since I’m not old enough. We’ll get a cheap hotel so you don’t feel guilty.” She rolled her eyes at me before continuing. “You have the next two days off. When will we have this opportunity again? We need to do this, Jess. You know we do.” She grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze.
“Okay,” I muttered, shaking my head.
Maxi was right. We needed to find him. I wasn’t sure what would happen if we did, but we would figure it out. We had a three-hour drive to get our plan together.
“Okay?” She bore her eyes into mine, needing confirmation.
“Yeah, let’s do it.”
My mind raced, but I knew this was necessary. Isaac deserved to know he had sisters who cared about him, who were willing to help him in any way they could. No one deserved to go through life feeling unloved. I knew that firsthand.
Chapter Thirty
A few hours later, we headed down I-87, the radio playing some music I wasn’t familiar with. Maxi definitely had different taste in music than I did. She knew every word, and I could hardly understand what they were singing about. Although, singing was a relative term. I wasn’t even sure it could actually be referred to as music. We realized when we got to know each other that we had a lot of things in common, but this wasn’t one of them.
I heard my phone ring, but I was a little rusty with the whole driving thing, and I was too nervous to take my hands off the wheel or my eyes off the road.
“Will you see who that is?” I wasn’t sure who would be calling me. I texted Reese a bit ago and let her know I would be out of town for a couple of days, so I didn’t expect it to be her. Unless it was an emergency and that made me nervous.
Maxi grabbed my phone and turning the radio down at the same time.
“It’s a seven one eight area code, but it’s not saved in your contacts.” I looked in my rearview mirror and changed into the far right lane, trying to get on the shoulder.
Seven one eight was the Brooklyn area. My breathing started to quicken, as if I were on the verge of hyperventilating. It was him, I knew it.
“Answer it before he hangs up,” I said quickly as the car screeched to a halt on the shoulder of the highway.
Maxi swiped the call as I pulled it from her fingertips.
“Hello? Lo
gan?” I answered into the receiver, my voice pitchy and nervous.
I didn’t hear a sound, and my heart dropped, sure I had made a mistake, and it wasn’t Logan at all.
“Hello?” I repeated.
“Jess.” His voice was low, one syllable rumbling against my ear, causing goose bumps to run up my arms.
“Hey,” I whispered, tears causing my vision to blur. I could feel Maxi’s eyes piercing a hole in me. I glanced over at her, my suspicions confirmed as she gave me a tiny smile.
“How are you?” All I wanted to do was reach through the phone and press him against me, hold him, assure him that he was okay.
“I’m doing a little better.” He seemed different, I could tell he was nervous also.
“I’m so glad you called. It’s good to hear your voice,” I gushed into the phone.
“You too, Jess. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too. More than you can imagine,” I admitted. I knew I had missed him, it was obvious. But hearing his voice again brought it all full circle. I missed him desperately.
“Same here,” he mumbled.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I was worried about him, his tone was different.
“I am. The meds make me a little groggy, sorry.”
“Logan, don’t apologize. I’m just so happy to hear your voice.” An unexpected giggle escaped my lips.
“I’ve missed that laugh. God, I fucking miss you.” His deep voice growled into my ear.
“Will I see you soon? When you get out?” I needed to know.
Please, God. A quick, silent prayer to calm me, giving me a little bit of hope.
“I want to,” he admitted.
“Me too.”
“I have freedom in here now. They don’t really have me on lockdown like some of the patients. I’m sorry I didn’t call before.”
“I’m just thankful you called now.”
“I can have visitors,” he stated, but didn’t say anything else.