"Charlie? Do you want me to look?"
She sank to the floor in front of her bed and hung her head, with her fingers laced behind it. That must have been all the answer Sarah needed. Her footsteps echoed on the slate bathroom floor. Other than Charlie's rapid heartbeat thundering in her chest, the silence was deafening. Sarah slumped to her knees in front of Charlie and placed a hand on her knee. She didn't need to say a word. That gesture told her all she needed to know. The dam broke. Tears raced down Charlie's face as silent sobs rocked through her body. She was pregnant. It was her death sentence. Her mom died giving birth to her, and she knew deep down her fate would be the same. How in the hell was she going to tell anyone?
"I know this seems like the end of the world right now," Sarah whispered, "but this is still an incredible gift."
Charlie's head shot up. "A gift? Do you have any idea what this means? You might as well buy the nails for my coffin right now." Tears streamed down her face and she didn't bother to brush them away.
"You don't know that, Charlie. They've come so far in the last twenty years and they have high risk doctors now."
It wasn't Sarah's fault she was so clueless. She was trying to be a good friend and be reassuring, but she was missing the most important facts.
"High risk doctors can't save you if you need a new heart. They can't do a transplant if you're pregnant."
The blood seemed to drain from Sarah's face as realization finally set in. Teen pregnancies happened all the time, but this wasn't even about that. It couldn't be. As soon as it became about the baby, it turned into a life or death situation. Charlie's mind swirled with emotion.
"Do you want me to call Jules or Sam?"
"You aren't going to call anyone. You aren’t going to tell anyone!" Charlie snapped.
Sarah pulled back, in shock at her reaction. "What are you talking about? They need to know."
"This is my business. They don't need to know anything, and you're going to keep your mouth shut about this."
"Why are you being like this? You called me to bring the test over remember?" Sarah sat on her knees with her hands on her hips.
"I thought I could trust you." Venom laced Charlie's words and it even surprised her at how vicious they sounded. She wasn’t proud of herself but she desperately needed Sarah to understand that she had to keep this information to herself.
"And I never thought you'd act this way. I'm going to let this go and say it's your hormones and the shock that are making you a total, hateful bitch. Still, Sam deserves to know."
Her words were like a smack in the face, but she knew she deserved them. "I need time to process this. Can you at least give me that?"
"Do whatever you want, but this isn't something you can hide from. You know I'm all about secrets between friends and some things are better left unsaid. This, however, is not one of them."
"Are you done lecturing me?" Her tears were still falling and the fear was still at the surface but anger was pushing its way past the fear. Sarah had no right to lecture her about anything. She had no idea what it was like to constantly stare Death in the face.
"No, I'm not. You have a family that loves you. You have a guy that would do anything for you and now you're going to have a baby with him, but you act like it's the end of the world. You're the most selfish person I've ever met."
Charlie pushed off the floor and stormed over to her door. "I'm selfish because I want to stay alive? Get out." She pointed down the hall.
"Gladly." Sarah shook her head and walked past Charlie without another word.
Charlie kicked her bedroom door and sank to the floor, feeling lost and completely hopeless.
She heard someone talking downstairs and then the front door slammed. Quick footsteps seemed to race down the hardwood toward her room and came to an abrupt stop in front of her at her door. "Hey. What the hell just happened?" Jules asked and knelt down in front of her.
She just shook her head and wiped her face with the back of her hands.
"Come on. Let's get you out of the doorway. What that hell are you two fighting about? Sarah is pissed." He helped her up and led her to the couch.
"Fuck her."
"Whoa there, killer." He walked into her bathroom and before she could even think to stop him, he came out with a blank look on his face, holding the pregnancy test.
"Is this for real? Please tell me it's hers and not yours."
Dropping her head. She wished she could deny it, but there was no denying it. It wasn't going to go away.
What am I going to do?
"Charlie! Answer me."
"It's mine," she whispered.
"Fuck."
"Yeah."
"God Dammit. How could you be so careless? Do you understand what this means?"
Pushing her fear back, her anger reared its ugly head again. "If you're going to lecture me too... You can get the fuck out right along with her." She glared at him. Her breathing was shallow and she was barely keeping it together.
He disappeared into the bathroom and came out a minute later with a box of tissues, sitting next to her on the couch. There wasn't anything to say. They didn't need to; Jules understood. He wrapped a protective arm around her shoulder and pulled her onto his lap.
The steady rhythm of his heartbeat soothed her as she rested her head against his chest.
Thump, thump. Thump, thump.
"Well, I guess this explains why we've been fighting so much lately. Crazy hormones?"
She smirked. He was probably right. "Why was Sarah so pissed?"
"She thinks that this is a wonderful celebration and I'm a selfish bitch."
His chest rose and fell heavily, letting out a deep sigh. "She doesn't understand, Charlie. She hasn't been through everything we have. So, you can't expect her to get it."
"I'm so scared, Jules. How am I supposed to be excited?"
He kissed her forehead and smoothed back her hair. "I don't know, but we'll figure it out. When are you going to tell Sam?"
"I don't know. I'll tell him, just not yet. I...I need to figure out what's going to happen first I guess." She thought about how the conversation would go. Hey Sam. Um. I'm pregnant and it's going to kill me. But hey, you may or may not get a kid out of it if I can live that long. Surprise.
"Hey. I know what you're thinking so stop it. We need to call your doctor and find out what we need to do."
"Do you realize you keep saying we?"
"We're in this together. That little monster is going to be my niece or nephew. You're going to live. I will be the sunshine and rainbows to your dark clouds and acid rain, okay?"
A small smile played at her lips. "You're not allowed to turn my own words around on me."
"If anyone is allowed it's me. So, shut your face and rest. We'll figure this out. Don’t worry about Sarah, either. She'll come around."
Charlie raised her head and looked up at him. All traces of her smile were gone. "What if she tells Sam before I do?"
"She won't."
Settling back into his chest, she hoped he was right. He had to be. Her hand protectively covered her stomach. Maybe she was looking at it entirely wrong. Maybe she didn't matter anymore. Maybe Sarah was right and she was selfish. It wasn't about her anymore. It was about the baby.
But the baby can't survive without me.
✦✧✦✧✦✧
Jules was asleep in her bed. He never stayed in his own room and she wondered why she even gave him one to begin with. Honestly, she was grateful he'd stayed with her. Sam had called quite a few times but she knew if she answered the phone he'd be there in an instant. She texted him back that she was spending some quality time with Jules and she'd call him later. The excuse worked and he seemed to accept it without suspicion. Which made her feel even worse for lying to him.
Her heart raced and nausea made itself known. Swallowing hard, she pushed it down. She tried doing the math in her head. There was no way she could go to the doctor yet to find out how far along she wa
s. It made it real. She wasn't ready for that yet. What was the math? Her periods weren't exactly regular but it couldn't be that hard to figure out when she'd gotten knocked up. Think Charlie, think.
Images abruptly flashed in her mind and took herby storm.
Her and Sam together on his kitchen counter…the passion in his eyes as he held her against him….
Oh. My. God.
That was it. The morning they'd argued about going away. They'd had sex in the kitchen with no condom. She hadn't even thought about it. They were so wrapped up in each other that it hadn't even dawned on her until just then. One time. That's all it took. One time for them to be unprotected and now she was walking to the death march.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
She pulled her laptop open to do some research. Typing Warfarin, her blood thinner, into Goggle, she hit enter and clicked on the first link.
Warfarin has been assigned to pregnancy category X by the FDA. Problems associated with perinatal administration of warfarin have included central nervous system defects, spontaneous abortion, stillbirth, prematurity, hemorrhage.
Oh shit. Her heart pounded loud enough to echo in her ears as she cleared her search and typed in 'Cleveland Clinic - Heart Disease and Pregnancy.' Her eyes scanned over the article until they landed on what she needed to see.
Pregnancy in women with prosthetic (artificial) valves
Women who have artificial heart valves may experience complications during pregnancy because:
Women who have an artificial heart valve need to take lifelong anticoagulant medication, and certain anticoagulant medications can be harmful to the fetus. There is controversy regarding the best anticoagulant regimen.*
During pregnancy, the risk of blood clots increases.
If you have a heart condition, what should you do before planning a pregnancy?
She scoffed. Planning a pregnancy. Her mind reeled as she cleared the search again and typed in 'Mayo Clinic- Heart conditions and pregnancy' and hit enter. Scrolling down the screen she stopped when she read the word risk.
What are the risks?
The risks depend on the nature and severity of the underlying heart condition. For example:
Heart rhythm issues. Minor abnormalities in heart rhythm are common during pregnancy. They're not usually cause for concern.
Heart valve issues. If you have an artificial heart valve or your heart or valves are scarred or malformed, you might face an increased risk of complications during pregnancy. If your valves aren't working properly, you might have trouble tolerating the increased blood flow. In addition, artificial or abnormal valves carry an increased risk of endocarditis -- a potentially life-threatening infection of the lining of the heart and heart valves. Mechanical artificial heart valves also pose serious risks during pregnancy due to the need to adjust use of blood thinners and the potential for life-threatening clotting (thrombosis) of heart valves.
Congestive heart failure. As blood volume increases, congestive heart failure can get worse.
Congenital heart defect. If you were born with a heart problem, your baby has a greater risk of developing some type of heart defect, too. You may also be at risk of premature delivery.
She slammed her laptop shut and sank back into her couch. I'm fucked. If she took her medications, she could hurt her baby. If she didn't, she could die. Nothing was safe. Oh God.
After racing across the room, she grabbed her phone and frantically pulled up her calendar trying to find the dates they were together. That had to be the week they'd conceived. She quickly did the math. That was early August. It was November. Three months. She walked like a zombie back over to her laptop and flipped it open typing 'Pregnancy Due date calculator' into Google.
Congratulations you're 12 weeks pregnant. Your baby is due on or around April 7th, 2015.
What a sick sense of humor you have, Universe. It should say your countdown to die begins now. You only have five months left to live.
The screen mocked her. How the hell was she supposed to be happy? In the back of her mind, she'd always wondered what it would be like to be a mother, but she knew deep down it could never be. Not only would she most likely die....
If the baby lived, there was such a strong chance she'd pass on all of her genes and the baby would grow up with the same struggles in life she’d had. She didn't wish that on anyone.
Bile burned the back of her throat. Charlie tossed her laptop to the side and raced to her bathroom just in time. She was not sure if it was morning sickness, nerves, or if her body had gone into shock. Charlie hung over the toilet until dry heaves made her weak beyond anything she ever imagined possible. She decided in that moment she wasn't going to take any more of her medications. It wasn't safe for the baby and she could have already done damage by taking it all that time not knowing she was pregnant. She chastised herself over and over.
How could I have not known?
She placed her head against the cool tile floor and slipped into a deep sleep.
✦✧✦✧✦✧
It'd been a week since she'd found out and she did everything she could to avoid her dad, Callie, and Sam. It wasn't hard with them all working, but she had the sinking feeling as soon as she made eye contact with any one of them, they would know. How was she supposed to drop that bomb? It was the longest she'd gone without seeing Sam and it was killing her. She'd fed him a lie about having the flu and he'd bought it. He'd even stopped by twice to see her and drop off a care package of her favorites to make her feel better. She did look sick and hadn’t taken her medication since she found out the previous week and her body was feeling it. It's what her doctors would have done. Every bit of research she did proved she couldn't take any of her medications without risk to the baby. She'd risked enough by not knowing for twelve weeks.
Her phone went off next to her. It was a message from Sam.
Hey babe. How are you feeling?
She wanted to see him. So she lied.
Better. Flu's gone.
The phone buzzed back almost instantly.
Good. I miss you. I just got off work. Want me to come kidnap you? We can just hang here.
The thought of just being in his arms was enough to make her forget about everything else for a moment.
Are you here yet? :)
I will be! lol. On my way. See you in a few beautiful.
Forcing herself out of bed, she shoved some clothes into a duffle bag alongside her blood pressure cuff. Her blood pressure had been all over the place all week and she figured she had better keep an eye on it. There was a good chance she'd be at his house for the weekend, so she might as well plan for it, right?
Just then, Sam snaked his arms around her waist from behind. She jumped and whipped around. Her heart thumped in her chest. She'd been so focused on her thoughts that she'd lost track of time and hadn't heard him come in.
"Hey beautiful. How you feeling?" He kissed her neck.
She melted into his arms as her entire body relaxed. "Hi. I’m better now that you're here."
He lifted her chin and brought her eyes up to meet his. Keeping the biggest secret of her life from him made it difficult, but she needed more time.
Sam closed the distance between them; then, his lips were warm against hers. Until that moment, she had not realized how much she'd truly missed him. She let go of everything in her mind and allowed herself to relish his kiss. He parted her lips with his tongue and slipped it gently into her mouth, massaging her tongue with his. A low groan escaped his throat as he pulled away. "Mmm, I missed that. A week is too long to go without kissing you."
"I know. Don't do it again." Even though she'd kept him away on purpose, he didn't know that.
He cocked an eyebrow at her and a crooked grin spread across his face. "Yes ma'am. I like it when you get bossy. It's kinda hot."
"I'll show you bossy," she said, and ran her hands up his chest to his face, cupping it. She pulled his mouth down to hers and stopped with only a breath between t
hem. "Kiss me."
Sam closed the gap, crushing his lips against hers. His strong arms wrapped around her as he pressed his body and growing erection against her. No one was home. They could be undressed in a matter of seconds.
Isn't that what got me in this mess in the first place…?
Then something Jules would say popped into her head.
You're already knocked up; might as well enjoy yourself.
That was all the convincing she needed. Charlie felt like a part of her was missing when she wasn't with Sam. That had taken her a long time to admit to herself. Being away from him all week, with her hormones raging...she needed him.
CHAPTER SIX
The weekend went by pretty fast, but it wasn't fast enough for Charlie. She missed not seeing Sam the week before but the secret she was harboring was eating her alive every time she looked at him.
Her phone buzzed in her back pocket. She reached back and pulled it out. Jules face popped up on the screen with a text.
Hey. How you feeling? Need to Barf? I just cleaned my toilet. Well...kinda. LOL.
She shook her head and texting him back. How do you kinda clean a toilet?
Her phone pinged instantly.
I cleaned the bowl but not the outside of it. There's piss on it. It's nasty and it smells.
IT'S YOUR PISS! That's nasty!
Sam glanced over her shoulder. He was probably wondering why she was shaking her head so much.
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