by Pope, M. T.
“You got that shit right!” I looked at him and shook my head.
“Your own father? ... mannn ... that’s ... that’s ... that’s some fucked-up shit. Nah, that’s some sick shit.”
“You don’t know shit about shit up in this bitch,” she fired at me as she went to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottled soda. She walked back over to the table, pulled out a chair and plopped down like the lady she was. “Your ass had the easy way out your whole fucking life. Your ass left this bitch and never turned back. And when you was here, you was up underneath mother dear,” she huffed. “Father never got a chance to spoil you.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I reached over to pull out a chair. My lower back was hurting a little from the fall on the steps. I pulled it as far back toward the sink as it could go. I wasn’t scared. I was still a little grossed out by the sight I had just seen. “You got shit all screwed up if you think I wanted to be spoiled by that mean bastard.”
“You don’t even know what I mean do you?” she posed.
“Yeah I know what you mean. His ass never treated me like he treated y’all. You and David got the easy end of the deal. He loved y’all. Y’all could do no wrong. Me, on the other hand, I wasn’t man enough for him.”
“Just be glad you weren’t man enough for him.” She laughed and threw back the soda she got out of the refrigerator.
“What?” I asked, perplexed.
“When I said he spoiled us, I meant he molested us. Well, he watched us get molested.”
“Hell nahhh,” I waved my hand at him, shooting down his claim. “His ass wasn’t a faggot by a long shot. You are making that shit up for sure.”
“Look at me, Wallace. He wasn’t the father you thought he was.” Tears rolled down her cheek like a running faucet. “Do you think I just woke up one day and said I want to be a woman? That shit was forced upon me by him and his lover. You don’t know half of the shit me and David went through while you was in Mother’s care.”
“What? That can’t be true.” I shook my head.
“It’s very true.” She wiped the tears from her face.
“When?” I asked.
“When we were kids.” She sat the soda down on the table and looked at the floor a minute. I had a feeling this was going to get deep. Maybe deeper than I wanted it to go. My opportunity to get up and leave passed as she began to tell me stuff that blew my mind.
“Well, you know Dad used to drop us off to school in the morning?”
“Yes, I remember.” My school was nearer to the house so I walked most of the time.
“Well for a long while everything was good and we would get to school and that would be it. Around the time I turned eleven, Dad started taking us to school earlier then usual. You remember?”
“Yes, he said traffic was getting a bit heavier and he wanted to leave out earlier to ensure he would get you guys to school on time and that he would get to work on time.” My dad made a habit of us eating breakfast in the morning as a family.
“Yeah, that was a muthafuckin’ lie to the fullest,” she growled. “His ass was taking me and David to his office and letting John suck David off and fuck me like I was his wife. Dad would just sit there and jerk off to it all.”
“Ohhh, shit.” My mouth was on the floor.
“That’s not it.” She shook her head from side to side. “He said that we were being ‘real men’ every time we finished and that men should never kiss and tell. Real men ... fucking liar ... I hate his ass.”
“Damn that some messed-up shit.” I rubbed my temples, trying to process what I just heard. “Does Mom know?”
“Nah, she doesn’t have a clue to my knowledge.”
“Well ... ahhhh ... I might as well tell you about me too.” I looked her in the eyes.
“He did this to you too?”
“Nah, but that didn’t stop me from being attracted to men.”
“You’re gay?”
“Yes I am.
“So what’s up with David?” I asked.
“Well, his ass is married and he’s a college professor at UCLA.”
“Really?”
“Yeah his ass hit the books and got out of Dodge not long after you left us here. He’s married to some shady chick he met. He didn’t even invite us to meet her. Never did. David’s ass didn‘t waste no time marrying her ass and getting the fuck away from this house.” She chuckled.
“Wow, I had no clue all this was going on.” I brushed my hand through my dreads. “So I take it he’s not gay.”
“You and I both know ain’t no man straight after his father’s lover gives him a blow job for years. This shit ain’t rocket science. His ass is in the closet or he on the DL. I feel sorry for the chick. Whoever she is. Plain and fucking simple.”
“True,” was all I could get out. I guess I had to make a trip to see my brother since we do work at the same school.
“So why did you just up and leave us?” she asked.
“I didn’t just up and leave. Our father gave me an ultimatum. Go to regular college or get out.”
“Whatttt!” he looked surprised. “I thought you just said fuck all of us and split.”
“Nope, I got shown the door by my father and mother.” I knew what my mother said the other day, but I still think a mother should speak up for her child. It was too late for any of that now.
“So what made you come back here now?”
“Well, I was married to someone that got murdered and I just couldn’t take living in Baltimore alone any more. So I decided to come back to find his family and see why he got killed. I knew the who, but not the why.”
“Really.” Her eyes softened. “That’s tragic.”
“One of our cousins did it. Can you believe that?”
“Who?”
“Tyrone,” I said as all of the pain and hurt of losing James flooded back into my heart. It was like a river’s dam with water pressuring it to burst. “Fucking Tyrone!” I banged on the table with my fist, causing Rebecca to jump a little.
“Stop playing. Did he get locked up?”
“Nah man. It was a murder-suicide type of thing.” I sniffed back some tears. I was reliving it all again, so I got up out of the chair and threw some water on my face.
“You going to be okay?” She had gotten up and walked over to me and put her arms around me as I leaned over the sink.
“I’ll be fine,” I said as I slowly eased from under her arm. I didn‘t want to be offensive. I just wasn’t comfortable in that area as of yet.
“You need to stop doing what you’re doing with Dad.” I looked her in the eyes.
“It’s just not natural. You need to get some help for that too.”
“Stop judging me!” she almost yelled. “I know all of that. And I will stop. That was the last time I was doing that anyway. I don‘t need no lectures.”
“Sorry,” I said as apologetically as I could. “It won’t happen again.
“One more thing?” I looked at her intensely.
“Sure,” She flipped her flowing hair back over her shoulder.
“Are you all woman?” I needed to know what I had already assumed.
“Yep, the magic stick is gone.” She smiled. “Snip snip.” I cringed a little at the thought.
“So you are really a woman down there, huh?” I darted my eyes downward.
“Yes, the doctors made me feel and look like a real woman down there. Plumbing and all works like the real thing. Minus the babies and all that. A man would never know the difference.”
“Wooooow,” I was amazed. “Ain’t that some mess.”
“So have you ... you know. Been with any men?” I was digging too deep, but this was something I always wondered about transsexuals.
“Yes, I have,” she boasted proudly. “And they didn’t know.
“Not a clue.” She added.
“Isn’t that dangerous? To lead men on?” I was a little angry at the fact that she didn’t tell her partners the
truth.
“Yes, it is.” Her face became serious. “But, you don’t know what it is to be me or in my shoes. I was forced into this. It was forced on me. There are no rules. I make this shit up as I go along. I want love just like the next person. But who in their right mind would accept me in this condition? Who?”
“Do you think you would have made this change if you had not been molested?”
“Well, the things that were done to me all those years ago were not natural. I didn’t know who I was after that. I was so confused about everything. Who I liked. What I liked. I attempted to kill myself several times, but I was unsuccessful. I wasn’t even given a chance to really get to decide what I wanted or what the world accepted. My ass could have been the president of the United States, but that shit got erased because of my molestation. I don’t know what other molested people did. I just know that being treated like a woman by my molester all that time changed my mindset. I felt like it was what I was supposed to be. And so that was what I set out to be. Now I am a ‘her’ and nobody will accept me because somebody else decided for me. And as you can see all gay people weren’t molested. You are personal witness to that. To this day, I have no solid answers. In fact, I have more questions than answers. Did that answer your question, because I‘m still confused?” She laughed a little but it sounded off.
“I guess.” I shrugged. That shit was too deep for me. “It’s one big mess, I tell you that.”
“That it is indeed.” A tear slid out of her left eye.
I was silent because I knew that I couldn’t even think of something appropriate to say to comfort her. Few seconds of silence went by and we sat there looking at each other. I decided to break the silence so I could get out of there.
“Okay, now that we are past that. Come and give me a hug. I missed you.” Rebecca came over and squeezed and hugged me like the man she was. I hugged her back since she was my brother. In any form he was in.
After a couple more minutes of chitchat and all that I took off for home. I had Sunday all to myself and I planned on seeing if Alex wanted to hang out a little.
Chapter 17
David
A Small World
April 30th 2:55 P.M.
“Ump ... ump ... ump.” I was in my office looking out the window at all of the students walking to and fro. I loved my job and my wife. You would think I was happy and satisfied, but I wasn’t. I had been ducking and dodging my past like I was trying to run across a busy six-lane highway. I hadn’t been home to my mom’s house in so long. I just couldn’t do it. There were so many secrets behind that front door, that I just couldn’t bear it. My mom was there taking care of my sickly father and I didn’t want to go and pretend that everything was okay and it wasn’t. I was liable to go in there and try to kill him or something. Man, he screwed me up!
My younger brother, Robert, is now a full-fledged woman and that shit blows my mind every time I think about it. I avoided him like the plague, I was just afraid of what he might say or do. I still wasn’t comfortable with a man dressed up as a woman. He was my brother and yes I loved him. It just brought a reality to the fact that our childhood was far from normal. Visions of John penetrating my brother on my father’s counseling sofa filled my head. He was thrusting him so hard that my brother would whimper in pain. John would always make me watch as I had “to learn” how to do him the same way. My father sat at a distance with his manhood in his hand as he watched his lover destroy our futures for sure. How could a father be a party to that type of abuse? He should have known the ramifications of these acts, being that he was psychologist.
I sat thinking for hours on end as a college student on the San Francisco shore pondering and rationalizing on how he could be so heartless. I was still clueless. The fact that I am still “seeing” my molester should tell me that I am in need of serious help. But I was not willing to bare all of my personal business to a stranger. After a while of thinking like such, it let me know that my father too must have felt the same way as I did. These personal issues we have are hard to talk or think about and sharing them just seems like too much. The stares of the knowing party would surely kill me alone. I wouldn’t know if they were thinking less of me or trying to help me, so I risked neither. I would carry them to my grave, hoping that my grave didn’t come to me before I was ready.
Tears flowed freely as I grabbed some tissues off my desk to blow my nose and dry my eyes.
“Life.” I blew out a strong breath as I pushed up out of my chair and out of my office door.
“I’m going to grab something to snack on,” I told my secretary as I walked to the stairwell. I decided that I would indeed try to exercise more, so the steps were my new best friend.
I walked across the campus, waving to a couple of students that I had come to know over their years at UCLA. Most of them were men, touched men, to say the least. I wonder if they knew about me and my secrets. I shrugged my shoulders and kept it moving toward the school’s cafeteria. I rarely ate here for their lack of taste in their food. And I felt a little more comfortable off campus on my lunch breaks. I could talk on the phone to who I wanted to, mainly John, and not worry about being listened to. My wife was known to pop up from time to time and I just couldn’t risk being caught in a compromising situation. The less she knew the happier we were, so it seemed. I’ve been noticing some changes in her over the last year or so. She was becoming more distant and I wasn’t fighting it. I had my assumptions, but I knew it was mainly my weight and my busy schedule at work. I guess she finally gave up trying to get some attention from me. I had to admit I didn’t have the first clue on how to please my wife physically or emotionally. I tried but I would always feel like I was coming up short on my end. Her distance was my safety net right now and I am going to use it like my life depended on it. The further away she was the less she could see I was falling apart at the seams.
On campus there are numerous eateries and such, like Subway, Taco Bell, Chipotle, Starbucks Express, and KFC, but I choose the cafeteria. I walked into the cafeteria to a small line and an almost empty eating area. I walked up the assembly line–style buffet and proceed to wait my turn. I knew I shouldn’t be eyeing the full meal type food, but my stomach growled for more, so I went on with it.
“Give me a cheeseburger and some of those western fries. Oh, and throw in one of those apple pies as well,” I said, looking at the selections I was picking out and others I was tempted to pick out as well.
“So I finally get to catch up to you,” I heard a voice speak, but didn’t recognize it. I looked up and saw a face that I thought I would never see again. My mouth hung open for a few seconds before I was bumped by the next person behind me. I looked at them and continued to stare at my long-lost older brother.
“Wallace?” I asked like I still wasn’t sure. I mean, it looked like him but older and he had dreads too.
“What’s up David? How you been?” He smiled like he was happy to see me. I was happy to see him too. I waved the next couple of people in line around me so I could get the answers to the questions he asked me out of my mouth.
“I’m doing well. And you?”
“I’m making it,” he replied.
“That’s good.” I had so many questions I wanted to ask him, but I knew he was at work and the line behind me was getting a little impatient with the conversation that was going on. There were two other workers working with Wallace, who was at the beginning of the line.
“Look, I’ll be sitting in the cafeteria for a little bit, I know you have to work, so I catch up with you later,” I said, moving toward the cashier.
“Cool, I’ll see if I can get a small break so we can chitchat a little more before you leave.”
“Okay.” I walked to the cashier and paid for my food. I sat down by a window seat so I could get a view of the trees and the nature that surrounded the cafeteria. I looked at the squirrels and birds that frolicked around the trees, lawn and bushes. They were so carefree and they played as
if they didn’t have a care in the world.
“To take your place would be very wonderful,” I mumbled to a squirrel that ran along the window ledge outside of where I was eating. He stopped and paused to clean himself quickly before he scurried off to play again. “But, I know that would be too easy for me. I have to live out the life that I have to the best of my ability.”
After about fifteen minutes of time had lapsed, Wallace made his way over to the table where I was sitting with a big ol’ smile on his face.
“Stand up, man, and give me a hug.” The hug was brief, but I could tell it was genuine by the strength behind it.
We sat down and I just sat there looking confused, because I didn’t know where to start or what to say.
“So you not going to ask me where I’ve been for all this time?”
“Well, it crossed my mind, but I was still in shock about seeing you after all this time.”
“Don’t worry about it. I completely understand.” He laughed. “I was at Mom and Dad’s house and Robert—I mean Rebecca—told me that you worked here. I just didn’t know where to find you.” I flinched a little when he said my brother/sister’s name. I think he noticed, but said nothing, because I noticed how he slightly cocked his head to the side in bewilderment.
“Oh ... no problem,” I said as my eyes darted around the room real quick. I didn’t know who I was looking for, I just did it. “We would have eventually met up anyway since you work here and all.”
“True.” He nodded.
“So you a big-time college professor now?”
“Yeah, that’s me.” I smiled a fake smile. I wasn’t too proud of my position here at UCLA at the moment. Mainly because my closet door with all my secrets in them was creaking open at a steady pace.
“You don’t sound too enthusiastic about it.”