by Ros Clarke
'Okay.' Luke put something down on the nightstand, then looked at Fliss with a frown. 'Is something the matter? Aren't you feeling well?'
Fliss attempted a smile. 'I’m fine. What's the big mystery?'
Luke sat down on the bed and took a firm hold of one of Fliss's hands. She hoped he didn't notice how clammy it was.
'Do you remember when we first met?'
'Met is something of an understatement, wouldn't you say? You charged to my rescue and I let rip at you for having the gall to save my life.'
Luke smiled. 'Something like that. Then you forced yourself on me and used me shamefully. I could sue you for sexual harassment.'
Fliss giggled. 'You could. But then I might be forced to tell the court what you did to me in the office that day when the blinds were stuck.'
'Good point. Let's agree never to sue each other for sexual harassment, shall we?'
Luke stuck out his hand and Fliss shook it solemnly. 'Deal.'
'Anyway, my point was going to be that it was hardly the most auspicious meeting. You didn't immediately strike me as the sort of person I wanted to spend a civilised evening with, drinking nice wine and listening to a concert on Radio Three.'
Fliss rolled her eyes. 'Are you trying to say that I'm a cheap date?'
'I'm trying to say that first impressions aren't always reliable. Though I will admit that I always thought you were gorgeous, right from the start. And your incredible eyes bewitched me the first time I saw them.'
'So you fancied me but you didn't like me?' This really wasn’t going the way she expected. Either Luke had something else on his mind or he was gearing up for the least romantic proposal ever. Tell a girl all the things you don’t like her, that’ll be the way to win her over. Fliss shook her head in disbelief.
He leaned forward to kiss her swiftly. 'Stop interrupting. We're getting to the good bit soon.'
Fliss mimed a zip across her mouth and crossed her arms. She couldn’t help trying to lighten the mood. Luke was getting worryingly earnest.
'I had this idea, you see, of the sort of woman I was going to fall for. The sort of woman I could rely on. Someone who would be useful around the stables. Who wouldn't mind if I was late for meals when there was a crisis in the yard. Who would roll her sleeves up and help muck out if that was what was needed.'
Fliss took a deep breath. She could see where this was going and she needed to head Luke off fast. 'And then you met me. Trouble personified. Chaos at the breakfast table. Dogs on the sofa. Can't ride a horse without panicking and falling off. Hopeless. It's fine, I understand. I'm leaving next week anyway.'
But Luke was smiling at her gently and taking hold of her hands.
'Stay, Fliss. Please?'
‘For another six weeks?’ She’d already decided that was a bad idea but it was a lot better than the alternative she was afraid he was about to suggest.
Luke was shaking his head. 'Not just six weeks. You’re exactly the sort of woman I'd been looking for, Fliss. It just took me a while to recognise it. But you have everything it takes to be the ideal trainer's wife. You're great with the animals, you don't mind working hard and at odd hours. You're brilliant with the owners. You see what needs to be done and just get on with it. Fliss, you've made yourself completely indispensible in the last few weeks and now I can't imagine life without you.'
One word was ringing in Fliss's brain, like a rifle shot in an empty cavern.
Wife.
Wife.
As if she were watching it happen to someone else, Fliss saw Luke reach for the box he'd gone to fetch earlier. He opened it and extracted a ring. Smiling up at Fliss, he slid the ring onto her hand. Left hand. Fourth finger.
'It even fits,' he said with some pride. 'Perfect.'
Fliss stared down at her hand. It looked like it belonged to someone else. A huge great diamond stared back at her, winking and flashing. Taunting her. Confining her. Setting her up for the greatest betrayal imaginable.
She couldn’t do it. She looked at Luke desperately, longing for him to understand, to take pity on her and laugh it off. She couldn’t bear the hope and tenderness in his eyes. She couldn’t bear to hurt him. But she had to.
And she had to do it right now.
Fliss tugged the ring off and flung it back at Luke. Uncomfortably aware of her nakedness, she grabbed at the sheet and wrapped it tightly around her, moving as far away from Luke as possible.
‘Sorry,’ she managed to tell him. ‘I can’t. I just can’t.’
Chapter Nine
Was there anything more awkward than spending the night in the same bed as the man whose proposal you had just turned down?
Fliss briefly contemplated decamping to one of the other bedrooms, but the thought of wrestling with a duvet cover at that time of night was just too much. She settled for perching herself practically on the edge of Luke’s large double bed, with his navy blue sheet still tightly wrapped around her.
Luke might have had the decency to move out, she thought. It was his stupid fault they were in this situation. He knew perfectly well how she felt about long-term relationships and commitment. How could he possibly have imagined she would agree to marry him? And now he’d gone and spoiled everything.
He wasn’t sleeping either. When Luke slept he snored. Not loudly enough to keep Fliss awake, but enough that she noticed the rhythm of his breathing and regulated her own to it. She usually found it rather soothing.
But tonight, Luke was lying on his back on the other side of the bed, resting his head on his crossed hands, and breathing quietly. Occasionally, he sighed. Fliss found this set her teeth on edge. What did he have to sigh about? She was the one who should be feeling hard done by.
She was the one who was going to have to find a new place to live at short notice. She couldn’t stay here. Not after tonight. Even Luke must see that.
He sighed again.
Fliss couldn’t bear it any more. She tucked the sheet around her and stood up.
‘Where are you off to?’
‘Bathroom,’ she lied.
Instead she trod carefully along the landing and down the stairs, avoiding the creakiest of the ancient floorboards. In the kitchen she gathered up Marshmallow and made herself a cup of tea. If she wasn’t going to sleep she might as well do something useful.
Luke found her an hour later in the office.
‘What on earth are you doing?’
Fliss didn’t look up from the pile of papers she was sorting through. ‘Clearing my desk,’ she muttered.
‘At three o’clock in the morning?’
She shrugged. ‘It’s not like I was going to get any sleep.’
Luke heaved an audibly deep breath. ‘About that.’
Fliss didn’t look up but instead kept on randomly throwing things into the filing cabinet. She wasn’t going to let him see how much his declaration had shaken her.
‘I’m sorry.’ Luke’s two words cut through the silence of the night.
Fliss’s hands slowed. She hadn’t actually been expecting an apology. Another declaration, maybe. An attempt to persuade her to change her mind. But not for him to be sorry.
‘I broke the rules,’ he admitted.
She finally looked up to see him standing in the doorway, wearing only a pair of crumpled boxer shorts. His hands were curled into tight fists and his eyes were suspiciously red. He looked a mess. He looked incredible. Even in the midst of tonight’s emotional turmoil, Fliss couldn’t suppress the flame of desire she felt whenever she looked at this man.
‘What rules?’
‘Casual. Temporary. Fun. All the things this…’ Luke gestured vaguely between them. ‘… was supposed to be.’
‘Yes.’ All the things Fliss had insisted she wanted. All the things she’d thought Luke wanted too.
‘I didn’t mean to fall in love with you.’
Fliss jerked her chair backward so suddenly she woke Marshmallow who had been sleeping comfortably on her lap. She bent over the lit
tle kitten, soothing him back to sleep, avoiding Luke’s gaze.
‘You fell in love with me?’ she repeated in a voice that sounded nothing like hers.
‘Yes. Didn’t I mention that earlier?’ Luke ran his hand through his hair, silver-blond in the moonlight, disarranging it all over again.
Fliss shook her head. She’d definitely have noticed if he’d said that. ‘No. You proposed like you were a character out of a Jane Austen novel: all the reasons you didn’t like me and then all the reasons you had decided I would make a suitable wife after all. But you never got to the bit where you tell me how ardently you admire and love me.’ Not that it would have made any difference, Fliss reminded herself.
He smiled but he wasn’t joking when he replied, ‘Would it have made any difference?’
Luke had come closer. He was now crouched down in front of Fliss’s chair. He took the cat from her lap, ignoring the mowls of protest, and laid his hands on the arms of the chair, effectively trapping Fliss in her seat.
‘I love you.’
She stared at Luke, not doubting his honesty for a second. Every inch of his taut, lean face showed his sincerity.
Fliss didn’t doubt that Luke meant what he said. But would he go on meaning it? How could she be sure he wasn’t like every other man? How could he promise that he wouldn’t fall out of love with her in six weeks’ time? Or six months, or six years?
She couldn’t take the risk.
She daren’t. Fliss knew she was a coward. Scared of heights; scared of commitment. Scared of being hurt. She’d always taken the utmost care to avoid scary situations. Somehow this one had crept up on her without her noticing.
‘I’m sorry,’ she muttered. ‘I’m really sorry, Luke.’ That much was true. She’d never wanted to hurt him. She’d never wanted to hurt herself the way she was hurting now. That was why she had the damn rules in the first place. Love made people vulnerable. Love meant pain and heartbreak and misery. Every single time.
‘It’s still a no, then?’ His blue eyes had grown cold and Fliss shivered under their piercing gaze.
‘It’s still a no,’ she confirmed.
Luke watched her for a moment. ‘You know, you’re going to have to face those demons of yours one day, Fliss. You can’t go through your whole life never letting anyone close enough to hurt you.’
‘I don’t see why not.’
He laughed bitterly. ‘You will. One day you’ll meet the guy who’ll shatter your barricades to smithereens. And you know what? You won’t even care. You’ll be so in love with him that it won’t even occur to you to want to stay detached. You’ll laugh at anyone who suggests it’s only temporary. Casual.’
Luke pushed himself away from the chair, putting as much distance between himself and Fliss as the small office allowed.
‘I just wish I hadn’t been so stupid as to hope that guy could be me.’
At five o'clock, Luke's alarm went off as normal. Surprised to be woken, having assumed he wouldn't be able to sleep, Luke reached to switch it off. The room was hideously silent. The bed was cold and empty. How was it that he'd managed for a whole lifetime of not waking up next to Fliss, but now after just a few weeks, it felt like the most unnatural thing in the world?
He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stomped to the bathroom. No matter what was going on in his private life, morning stables had to go on as normal. The horses didn't care that their trainer had been turned down twice in one night. They didn't care that Fliss was a heartless, thoughtless, cold-hearted...
No. Luke ran a hand over his face and dismissed his thoughts. It wasn't fair to call her heartless or cold. Fliss was full of emotion. She cared. She just wasn't prepared to deal with the consequences of it. She'd said she was sorry and Luke believed her. He knew she hadn't wanted to hurt him. Knowing it didn't make the pain any less real, though.
He resisted the temptation to check in the office before he left the house. Either she'd be asleep, in which case Luke didn't want to wake her. Or she'd be awake, in which case he wouldn't know what to say to her. Instead he quietly called Benjy and went out into the cool grey light of the morning.
It was several hours before Luke had seen his charges all safely back into their stables, fed, groomed and watered for the day. He eyed the house grimly, not at all certain what he would find on his return, nor how he would deal with it.
He wanted Fliss to stay. That was the bottom line. On her terms, whatever they needed to be. If she wasn't ready for commitment, Luke could deal with that. If she didn't love him yet, he'd take the time he needed to bring her round. He wasn't about to give up on the best thing that had ever happened to him.
Fliss showered quickly and packed her things. If she hurried, she could call a taxi and be gone before Luke returned for breakfast.
Benjy came in first, barking excitedly as he returned to the house and, hopefully, breakfast. Then the sounds of Luke kicking off his boots and putting the kettle on. Too late. She’d have to face up to him.
She scooped Marshmallow off the bed and cuddled her against her chest, as though the tiny cat could offer her some protection against the coming row. Maybe there wouldn't be a row. Maybe it would all be agonisingly polite and clinical. Luke could do that - detach himself from a situation and behave with cold steeliness. Fliss wasn't good at cool clinical detachment, but she could try.
Fliss sighed and buried her face in soft ginger fur. At least with cats you knew where you were.
'What are the cases in the hall for?' Luke was eyeing her warily as she came down the stairs.
'I'm leaving. I've called a taxi.'
Silence. Fliss wasn't sure if that was better or worse than the blistering rage she had half-expected.
Shakily she reached the ground floor but kept her distance from Luke. 'I'm sorry I won't be able to work out the last week.'
Luke shook his head. 'I don't care about that. Stay. Please,’ he begged urgently. ‘Just for the rest of the week, if you want.’
Fliss shook her head. She didn’t dare try to speak in case the tears started to fall again. Luke would hate that as much as she would.
His mouth was pressed into a tight line. Fliss couldn’t read the expression in his eyes. She only knew she had to get out of the house before she did something stupid. Like say yes.
‘Well, then,’ he said.
‘Well, then,’ she managed, not looking him in the eye. ‘It's been fun, Luke.'
He stepped towards her, taking hold of her shoulders and gazed down at her inscrutably. 'Fun,' he repeated eventually, putting her away from him. 'Yes, I suppose it has.'
Outside the taxi driver tooted his horn to let them know he'd arrived.
'Where will you go?' asked Luke, arms crossed over his chest.
She shrugged. 'I'll call a few friends. Someone will let me sleep on their sofa for a few days until I get sorted out.'
'You could go to your mother.'
Fliss twisted her lips. She wasn't going to answer that. It wasn't as if Luke was in any position to judge - he didn't even speak to his mother.
'I have to get going. There's a train.'
'Right.' He moved aside, then turned to follow her. 'I'll carry those.'
Luke put her cases in the taxi while Fliss bent to say goodbye to Benjy.
'Wait a moment,' he ordered. It wasn't until Fliss looked up that she realised Luke had been addressing the taxi driver, not her.
He appeared again a few minutes later, with an envelope and a pink shiny card. 'Here. The rest of your wages.' She took the envelope without a word. 'And this.'
Fliss looked down at the card he'd placed in her hand. 'Owners and Trainers,' it said, with Saturday's date.
'Come,' Luke said. It was an entry badge for the Derby meeting. 'Please come. You deserve to be there, after everything.'
She swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry. Saying goodbye wasn't supposed to be this hard. Fliss gazed up into Luke's face, wondering how she'd ever thought him arrogant. There was so mu
ch understanding in his eyes. Almost as if he knew why she was running away. Too kind to call her out on it, to tell her what a coward she was. Too much of a gentleman to make her stay, though they both knew he only had to kiss her and she'd be unable to leave.
Fliss nodded shakily. 'I'll try.'
Luke's mouth tightened but he nodded. 'I'll look out for you. Sensible shoes, remember.'
'And a clean pair of knickers. I remember.'
He laughed then. They both did, and Fliss was glad. This was how it was supposed to end. While it was still fun. Before they hated each other. Before they'd come to depend on each other.
As the cab drove away Fliss turned back in sudden panic, screwing her head around and sticking it out of the window to grasp one last chance to memorize it all: Luke standing on the gravel drive; Benjy jumping up at his ankles; Marshmallow peering round the open door then scampering to hide under the hydrangeas; Luke calling Benjy to heel; the roses rambling over the kitchen window; the path down to the stables; Luke turning his back…
It felt like leaving home.
It felt like running away.
Luke watched until the car pulled out into the road where it was hidden from view behind the tall hedgerows laced with delicate creamy frills of traveller's joy. He ought to wish Fliss joy in her travels, he supposed. He would, if he thought that was what would really bring her joy.
'I should have found a way for her to stay,' he told Benjy. 'She needed me to do that for her and I failed. I was planning on having another week to work it out but I should have realised I’d pushed too hard and she was ready to bolt.’
The spaniel pressed his head against Luke's knee and looked as miserable as Luke felt.
'She'll be back,' he said, and it felt like a promise.
He hadn't called.
No matter how many times Fliss told herself she wasn't expecting Luke to get in touch, she couldn't help checking her phone every five minutes. No text messages, no emails, no phone calls.