by S. L. Giger
“Whichever approach works for you. I also wanted to see if your eyes stay focused if you concentrate on something else. But so far, so good.”
I went back to reshaping my pupil until something heavy hit me.
“Ouch, what was that?” I glared at Roisin.
“Uh, your eyes,” she raised her eyebrows.
I turned back to the mirror and noticed that my eyes newly flamed with evilness. I had to be calm and serene in order to keep my eyes focused. Once the glistering was gone again, I wanted to throw the suitcase back at Roisin, which she had sent my way. However, it was quite heavy. I opened it to see what was inside. Only normal clothes. Obviously, strong muscles didn’t belong to my new abilities. A heavy suitcase remained heavy.
“You can keep these for now. They belong to us, but we made a selection for you. You can’t keep running around in the same clothes every day.”
I hadn’t even realized that I was still wearing my hiking shorts and the same torn t-shirt I wore when I awoke.
Only Cathy didn’t play tricks like that on me when she was on watch. She sat there or moved around without ever saying a word, which was fine with me. Having nobody to talk to meant more time for me to practice being calm and fill my head with nice thoughts. This way, my eyes cleared up a little after a while until they settled on a chocolate gold brown. Soon, I’d be able to go back home.
The concentration was exhausting. I was starting to get a headache and feeling very tired. But the others seemed to be satisfied with the result.
“Not bad,” Melissa said on the third day. “It took me five days to get them to what they are now, and that was pretty fast. Your pupil is still a bit rectangular, but with some more work, nobody will suspect anything. Today, you should wear contacts to be on the safe side.”
It was easy to place them since I used to wear contacts when I was human.
“So, did you come up with a name?” Melissa asked.
My choice was kind of ironic. I used to babysit a girl, Nathalie, when she was an infant. She was the cutest thing ever. Sadly, she died at only 4 years old because of sudden cardiac arrest.
“Nathalie,” I said out loud.
“So be it,” Melissa turned her head to Cathy. “Cathrine, could you please organize her ID cards?”
Cathy rolled her eyes and off she ran. They take running on a whole other level.
“So, Nathalie, are you ready to leave this cave?” Roisin asked.
“Really, I say one word and that’s how it’s going to be like? Serena is gone, and I have to be somebody else from now on?” It felt more as if we were playing some children’s game and when we didn’t feel like playing anymore I’d be Serena again.
“The sooner you get used to it, the better. I assure you out of my own experience. Lamenting about your old personality and your old life only makes going on much, much harder.” Melissa’s features were hard as a rock, except for a glimpse of sadness in her eyes.
“I liked Serena.” I sulked.
“Yes, it’s a pretty name. We can throw you a second funeral later, let’s get going now.” Roisin tapped her foot impatiently.
“I’m kind of tired.” Suddenly, I wasn’t so keen on going outside. What if the outside world had changed as well, while I changed in here? Perhaps, everything had turned into a jungle or futuristic city. I nervously let go of my breath.
“Tiredness is not a good sign for us; that means you are hungry. How hungry do you feel?”
I had this longing inside me, but it wasn’t a usual craving for chocolate or any other food or drink. More like a big emptiness inside me, as if I was depressed. The feeling was so bad that it was starting to hurt. It made breathing a challenge and the more I felt that, the more I wanted to do something about it.
“How about a nice juicy heart? Still pounding with fresh red blood, sparkling with energy?” Roisin suggested when I didn’t answer right away.
“Mhh,” my mouth started watering. I knew I shouldn’t get so excited by this. Do humans even eat hearts? From animals, I mean. I didn’t remember, but when she mentioned that, I knew that it was exactly what I was longing for. I couldn’t wait. I pictured that juicy, red heart and wanted to run off and get one. Bite into it and drink the blood. Chew on the meat and savor every single bite and in the end, pleasurably lick the rest of the blood of my lips. The thought of digging my teeth into the soft flesh was orgasmic already.
“I’m very hungry, I guess.” I swallowed, and my eyes wandered to the exit of the cave. Of course, Melissa was faster and touched my shoulder.
“Uh uh, before you run off, we need to go through the rules again,” Melissa said. “First and most important rule: We don’t kill healthy humans.” Her eyes narrowed, and a small curb appeared between her eyebrows. “We only take a heart when there isn’t another way to save the person. This will be very hard for you, especially in the beginning and that’s why you can’t go among too many people at the moment. It will make you go crazy.” She circled her hand next to her head to show how I’d go bonkers. “That’s why we, unfortunately, have to keep you on a leash the first few times and feed you.” She pursed her lips.
“You’re kidding!” I stared at her.
“We’re most certainly not kidding; it’s for the safety of all of us. See it as if we went hiking with a child. You are the child, and we want to make sure that you don’t fall over a cliff.”
“All my life, I have been a very independent person. That you are constantly watching me is getting on my nerves.”
Melissa’s jaw tightened. “Well, sometimes the most unpleasant thing is what’s best for you.” She paused for a moment. “Second rule: we don’t rip any bodies open. That used to be the technique, now, not anymore. We use this here.” She produced something that looked like a pen out of her purse. “It’s just as effective but way less messy.” She put the pen away again. I couldn’t quite picture what she’d do with it, but Melissa already continued with her lesson “Third rule…”
“Let me guess, don’t talk about the club?” I was starting to get annoyed. I wanted to get to my heart. Why wait around, couldn’t they tell me that on the go?
“Good one,” Roisin smirked.
“Yeah, yeah, joke about it now but this is a serious business. There can’t be any failures. We have to get a 100% out of any real possibility we get, and we have to do it without ever being discovered.” She was getting quite dramatic.
“Ok, can we leave now?” I said impatiently.
Roisin conjured something from behind her back and let it dangle from her fingers. It was a rock climbing harness. I pouted but put it on, and both women grabbed the leash attached to it.
“We do have faith in you; don’t worry, you will be able to do this. It’s just a precaution.” Melissa said.
“Let’s go,” Roisin added.
We left the cave through a tunnel that was at least one kilometer long, and I stepped outdoors for the first time in over a month. I expected it to be bright daylight, but it was a dark night. Despite that, it was warmer than in the cave. The forest we were in smelled of sweet wood. It felt good to breathe some fresh air for once. There were a few oddly shaped roots, which reminded me that we were still in Malaysia. Otherwise, I was relieved that the world still seemed to be the same.
“So, you lead now. Listen and concentrate on what you hear. We are looking for fast pounding, adrenaline-filled hearts. Preferably, they are isolated from other people.” Melissa ordered.
I heard all the familiar nature sounds, like leaves that were moving in the wind or birds that were still awake. But I also heard something else. I thought it had started to rain, but the ground and the air remained dry. Yet, there were these dull pounding noises as if rain or something not too heavy was falling on a hard surface. I looked around to check where the noises were coming from.
“Don’t worry about all the background thudding. Those are the animals’ hearts. You can ignore them; unfortunately, they
are of no interest to us. Animal blood makes us sick.”
I closed my eyes. Not that I saw a lot in the darkness but I hoped it might help me to concentrate and tune out how Roisin dabbed her fingers against her cheek. I listened some more; there were definitely different sounding thuds than the ones from the animals as well. They sounded more attractive and vital; however, suddenly, I heard a stronger thudding. It sounded fast and excited.
“Finally!” Roisin said impatiently as soon as I opened my eyes. “I already thought we’d have to let this one go to waste.”
Then Melissa said, “good job, it’s not always easy to spot a discomposed heart. Sometimes it sounds close to someone who is bungee jumping or going through a similar adrenaline rush. But I can see it in your eyes that you are instinctively drawn to your potential prey. Proof that you hear the difference in the sound of the heart of someone who knows that he’s on the verge of dying way too early.” Melissa nodded in conclusion. “And now, let’s run.”
We ran. Trees swished by in a blur of green and black but navigating in between them came like the easiest thing in the world to me. We ran up a mountain, where the trees got lighter and then back down again. Always following the racing heartbeat. Suddenly, on a country road somewhere in nowhere we reached the source of the heartbeat. The accident must have happened a second ago because there was some dust whirling over a motorbike. In the pale moonlight, it looked quite damaged as it was lying on its side in the dirt, next to the road. The driver looked even more damaged. Catapulted out of the seat and stopped by a big tree trunk close by, his limbs spread in weird angles.
Something strange happened to me as soon as I had spotted him. An episode I’m not exactly proud of. The intense pounding of his heart sounded so delicious that I wanted to rip his chest open and finally dig my teeth into it. Of course, as I darted toward him, Melissa and Roisin yanked my leash with all their might. I heard them yell, but even then, I pulled harder, that sound made me feel hungrier than I have ever been. My only focus was the vitally pumping heart in his chest. Nothing else mattered. Luckily, the two women combined were stronger. They tied my leash to a different tree.
“No, let me go!” I was furious. I only dimly remember how Melissa took the syringe out of her purse and jammed the tip through his jacket where his heart was supposed to be. She pushed a button on the plastic top and then pulled the needle back out. No time was lost. Melissa sprinted toward me and without any warning poked the injection into my chest. It didn’t hurt, but I stopped yelling and watched how the red juice disappeared out of the cannula.
“Wow, what just happened?” I took a long breath. “I feel relaxed, like after a long, reviving shower. Only a second ago, I wanted to rip that guy’s chest open but now, my desire for his heart is gone.”
“Well, so is his heartbeat,” Roisin said. “The last adrenalin he had left is now inside you. You have to imagine this like a heart transplant. The energy is only there as long as the person is still alive. Once the person is dead, the energy is gone with him or her.”
A cold shower ran down my spine. Now I had time to have a better look at the needle that shone brightly against the moonlight. It could be a shot for a diabetic. Except that the needle which shot out when pushing a button was much longer. It was at least six centimeters and very sharp. Thinner than a sewing needle. I checked my chest. I neither saw a trace of blood nor a small hole. Roisin slightly pulled the ‘v’ of her shirt down to the side. There was an ever so slight rash on her chest.
She shrugged. “That happens if you repeatedly inject a needle at the same spot.”
I glanced over to the mangled biker and shuddered at the memory of how I almost ripped his head off.
“I guess, I am not ready to be around humans yet.” I gulped.
“See, that’s why you have us.” Roisin lay an arm around my shoulder. “We will help you to learn how to control your desires.”
I hoped they would teach me quickly.
“What happens to him now?” I asked.
“We can’t do anything for him anymore. It’s best to leave him here and not leave any tracks in case someone finds him in a few hours or days.”
“That’s it? You take his heart and then run away?” I looked over to the poor jumbled guy again. I couldn’t even see his face, through the helmet.
Melissa sighed. “Don’t speak so accusingly. He would have died no matter what. Besides, it’s better for us not to get attached to our ‘donors’. You will have to face many more scenes like this. Accept that even our being here while his heart makes its last moves can’t stop him from dying. The injuries are too severe.”
I felt like crying and a bit grossed out, too. Five minutes ago, this man was happily riding along the road, probably on his way home to someone he loved. Now he will never return. Lamenting this made me think about my family. I had to go see them, tell them everything was okay and everything could go back to normal. I swore to myself that I’d manage to be in the presence of humans without attacking them. And Toby. Oh no. Toby would never come back, either. He had been my first ‘donor.’ I had the energy of his heart inside mine, which was kind of ironic if you think about it. Thanks to him, I was still alive.
“By the look on your face, you are entering phase three now.” Roisin tore me out of my rambling mind. “After the numbness comes the lamenting. That’s by far the worst stage. And the one in which you can endanger yourself the most.”
“I need to go home now,” I said with a cracking voice.
“You can’t, honey. It would be the shock of their lifetime if you just showed up there,” Melissa frowned. “They already went through the pain of losing you. Therefore, it’s better you never see them again.”
Now I was thinking of my mum. I never wanted her to suffer. Tears were welling up in my eyes as I thought about the tears they had already shed. At that moment, I felt the pain they must be feeling, losing a child or a sister. What I’d be feeling if my sister had died instead of me. I couldn’t do that to them! I had to go see them.
I pulled on the leash again, to finally escape from this damned place.
Melissa took a step closer. “Honey, I am sorry, but you can’t go to them. That’s one of the hardest parts of being a Siren. You need to say goodbye to your old life. Over time, you won’t miss the people and places that were once familiar so much anymore. Even though you can’t believe it now, you will almost feel like a normal person again. One who can lead a good life.”
Roisin nodded in agreement and sat down, leaning against a different tree. “It will get better.”
I didn’t want to listen. I wanted to go hug my mum, tell her everything was alright, tell her how much I loved her. I tore on the leash with all my strength and broke down and cried when the leash just wouldn’t rip.
Melissa and Roisin brought me back to the cave. Still on the leash like a fugitive. Cathy was waiting already.
“There you are. What took you so long?” After she had studied my face, she said a little softer. “We’ve all been there. You’ll have to learn how to live with it. We owe that to all the people who don’t get a second chance.”
I didn’t say anything. I sulked at them for keeping me here against my will, for turning me into something I still didn’t understand, but mostly for taking me away from everything I’ve known so far.
“I got this for you.” Cathy handed me an ID from New York State. Nathalie Belkin was the name on the card, with a photo of me and the date of birth.
“You made me a year younger?”
“Will give you more time before you need to start making excuses,” Cathy said.
“Happy Birthday, Nathalie,” Roisin smiled.
If anyone had baked me a cake, I’d have thrown it into their faces.
Chapter 4
Under the law, I now was Melissa’s daughter. Roisin and Cathy were my cousins. We had many more cousins as I’d later find out.
I missed my family, and I missed my
friends. I had to go home eventually. I couldn’t stay away from them. But for now, I was under the watchful eyes of my new relatives, who wouldn’t let me move without anyone close by. At some point, even their attention would lessen, and I’d be able to slip away in an unobserved moment.
Meanwhile, I was wondering what they had planned for me next. They set up a more or less safe playground for me. Always knowing what would be the following step; whereas for me, everything came as a surprise. I was the child in a room of grown-ups, where everyone but me knew what was going on. I was living through some kind of drug trip and everything seemed completely normal to them. I still didn't entirely believe what was happening and constantly waited to wake up from a bad dream. Hiding away from all civilization, pretending to be dead sounded quite creepy.
“How long have you lived here?” I asked after another few days in the cave with occasional strolls through the forest, listening to animal heartbeats.
“Hah, she thinks we live here,” Roisin laughed out loud. “We’re not cavemen, and we enjoy having furniture and a TV or internet. But we needed a place for you to get better and this was close by.”
I processed that information. “So, where do you live?”
“At the beautiful East Coast of North America. I live in New York City, you have heard of it, I assume?” Roisin winked at me and continued without waiting for any response from me. “Melissa at Cape Cod because she likes it quiet. Cathy lives in Rhinebeck, close to the hospital where she works as a heart surgeon.”
“So, when are you going to leave?”
“Soon, we need to be certain that you are stable,” Melissa answered.
“You didn’t think we were going without you, after all, you’ve been through, did you? You are coming with us!” Roisin said as if that was a good thing. She also made it sound like I wouldn’t get a say in this.
“First, we will visit a small Malaysian village to see how you handle being around so many humans.” Melissa continued.
“What if I don’t want to come with you?” I interrupted her with a quiet but steady voice.