by T. K. Chapin
Hurrying along the outer part of the construction site, I kept myself hidden as I got in position behind the armed man. He was just short of Kirk when I sprinted out from the shadows and jumped, landing on his back. Grabbing his face with both of my hands, I pressed my fingers into his eye sockets and screamed to alert Kirk.
“Jessica!” Kirk shouted, releasing from the man he was fighting. Getting over to me as the man twirled around in circles, Kirk wrestled the bat out of his hands.
I jumped off and landed in the gravel, scraping my forehead on my fall.
Kirk moved in closer with the bat to the man, and he pulled the bat back to swing.
“Don’t!” I shouted, and reaching out, I scrambled to my feet and grabbed his arm, stopping him.
The man scurried off, and the other one he had injured ran around the church on the other side and escaped too. Kirk turned to me and yelled, “You let them go!”
Furrowing my eyebrows, I took a step back. “It’s not our job to punish. Call the cops.”
He pulled out his cellphone and ran over to the entrance where their truck was backing out. I heard him give the police a description of the truck the best he could in the dark. He was beyond irritated, mostly directed toward me, I sensed.
Kirk hung up and came back over to me with a pair of furrowed eyebrows. He was angry.
Chapter 22-Kirk
FEAR COUPLED WITH ANGER BOILED within me as I came back over to Jess. Not only had she acted poorly in her choice to come out to the construction site tonight, but she had put herself in grave danger.
“You shouldn’t have gotten involved, Jess.” My words were firm, but only because I was fearful for her safety.
“You were two seconds from dead. How about thanks for having guts?”
My anger boiled to the surface. “I don’t need you to have guts. I need you to have brains. That’s twice you weren’t thinking clearly tonight. What’s wrong with you?”
“You would’ve killed him had you hit him with that bat, Kirk. You know it’s the truth, and the Kirk I remember wouldn’t be able to live with that.”
Her words were true, but it didn’t change how I felt. I’d never forgive myself if something would’ve happened to her. I chose not to reply as I let myself cool down.
She spoke again. “You could’ve just called and told me you were married.”
I shook my head, scoffing at her lack of understanding. “You have no idea who I am, Jess.”
She got up in my face and tilted her head. “Oh, really? Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you’re not married.” Her eyes peered down to my wedding band on my hand.
I took a step back from her. “C’mon, I’ll give you a ride to your car.”
Chapter 23-Jessica
INSIDE HIS CAR, I NOTICED a double-sided picture frame hanging down from the rearview mirror. On one side was a woman, and on the other, an infant boy. The woman looked happy, satisfied. It confirmed my suspicion that he was married. Without a word from his lips, he drove down the road until he found my silver Honda parked on the side of the road. Pulling over, the headlights beamed across the front of my car.
“I checked every year to see if you made it with the Spokane Chiefs. I never forgot about those days we spent in the car together, never forgot you.” I wasn’t sure what made me say those words. They just spilled out.
He sat there, not looking my way or acknowledging that he’d heard what I said at all.
Opening the door on my side, I added, “Well, it looks like you have a lovely family, Kirk. I’m glad things worked out for you even if it wasn’t with hockey.” I grabbed the door handle to leave, and he stopped me with one word.
“Had.”
Stopping, I looked back at him and asked, “What do you mean, had?”
Resting his head against the headrest, he brought his hands up and rubbed them over his face as he let out a long sigh.
I shut the car door and waited for him to explain.
“It was a different time in my life, kind of like our car trip.” He turned, locking his gaze on me, piercing through the layers of my soul as he continued. “These periods of time shift in and out of our lives like sand without our ever knowing they’re gone until it’s too late.” He grabbed the picture frame and gave it a twirl. “Bethany and Scott.” His voice heightened, seeping with a hidden pain buried beneath all the muscle. His lips pursed, tightening to form a thin line as he paused.
There was a second of silence, then he said, “They’re gone forever. Just like hockey, just like my dad, just like our trip together. And, Jessica?” He turned and looked at me, a gloss covering the whites of his eyes.
“Yeah?”
“I suggest you forget the Kirk you recalled from our car trip.”
Shaking my head, I said, “I won’t.”
His jaw clenched, his eyes fixed forward. It was apparent that he was done talking. He was irritated with me, with my words. Getting out of the car, I slammed the door behind me. He peeled out and shot down the road in a fury. Knowing he was married at some point and something had happened to make him not anymore raised my curiosity even more. I suspected this wife and child had a lot to do with the pain I saw in him the first time I saw him at the coffee shop and again tonight.
As his taillights vanished into the thickness of the night, I felt my eyes well with tears. Not because Kirk was rude toward me, but because it was easy to tell he had pain that he kept to himself. I had once experienced a similar pain when I lost my grandfather, one of my closest relatives. My parents didn’t tell me until after I arrived home from church camp, a week after it happened. I felt so alone in my grief, plagued with isolation as I grieved the loss of my grandfather while it felt like everyone else had already moved on. Kirk was suffering, and only God would be able to get to him.
Chapter 24-Jessica
MEETING ISABELLA FOR LUNCH after church the following day, we launched into our usual chatter about life as we waited for Kelly to join us. She told me all about a cute guy she met at the grocery store who was trying to decide on what TV dinner to buy. It turned out to be an adorable story. They ended up exchanging numbers and she was heading to a movie with him that night. I told her about the run-in with Kirk at the lake, then told her of the brief encounter we’d had at the coffee shop.
“Why didn’t you tell me about this guy before now?”
I shrugged, smiling as I shook my head. “He was from five years ago, and honestly, I thought I’d never see him again after the coffee shop.”
“Does he still have it going on? In the looks department? I know how guys can be after they get married.”
“Well, yeah! He has to stay in shape to be a bodyguard.” I laughed as I forked a piece of salad in my bowl.
“How come you get so lucky with the good-looking dudes?” It was easy to see my friend growing green with jealousy.
“I wouldn’t get too jealous, girl. Remember? He seems to hate me.”
“Oh, whatever.” She waved a hand toward me, dismissing the notion. “He’s just a broken hot guy needing the right girl to put him back together.”
Shrugging, I shook my head. “I don’t believe people need to complete each other in a relationship. Personally, I want a man who can be a man and emotionally stable, consistent.”
Our waitress put our plates down in front of us for the main course. Isabella was having steak fajitas and I opted for the carnitas.
Just as we were getting our food, Kelly walked up to our table. “I’m so sorry I’m late! Got caught up at the church with preparing a meal for the missionary we have staying with us.”
“It’s okay,” I said with a smile as I watched her sit down. The waitress took her order and promised to have the cooks hurry it up so she could eat with us.
“How’d service go?” I asked, directing my eyes on Kelly.
“Good! We had to pull in more fold-out chairs from storage to accommodate everyone. Randy and I were both surprised by the response we’re seeing with the new locatio
n.”
“That’s so awesome that you’re a pastor’s wife,” Isabella said wishfully. “I wish I could find a hot pastor.”
She laughed, touching her hand to her chest. “Why, thank you. I don’t believe anyone has ever wanted to be a pastor’s wife. In all seriousness, it’s a blessing. I see lots of women struggling because their husbands won’t come to church with them.”
That reality resonated with me as I thought of Naomi, a woman I had done an article on shortly after I started with Faith Builders. She was a mother of three and had a husband, but he refused to attend church. Her kids were horribly behaved and she struggled every Sunday because the kids wanted to stay home with Dad. The whole article was about pressing forward even when nobody around you seemed to be.
“Good men are difficult to find,” I said. “Godly men are even more rare. Which is sad. You can look at every society that has fallen, and it ultimately falls on the shoulders of good men doing nothing, cliché as it sounds.”
“It’s true,” Kelly said in a warm and understanding tone as she nodded. “On a lighter note, our teens are doing a lock-in at the Shadle Park High School this next weekend!”
“Those were so much fun when I was a kid!” My eyes turned to Isabella. “Did your church do those?”
She nodded. “I remember one time, we brought makeup, and all the girls did makeovers.”
We all three continued to chat about God, relationships, and what all we were going to be doing the next week. As I sat there and listened to my friends talk, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness to God. He had put people in my life like these ladies.
Chapter 25-Kirk
TOSSING A TENNIS BALL AGAINST the wall in my office back at home, I leaned my chair as I went back and forth in my mind over Jess, about the other night. My over-the-top reaction to her not letting go of the past was unmerited, hypocritical, and inexcusable. My heart knew the truth. I was the one truly holding onto the past, holding onto Bethany, to Scott, and to the idea of what life should have been.
My soul weary, my heart broken, I knew the problem lay within myself. It wasn’t Jess at all. When all the layers were peeled back and the truth illuminated in the light, it was as clear to me as the dawning sun after a week of rain. I still had feelings for Jess, an almost-love that had been lost.
Tossing the ball at the wall again, it came bouncing back quickly this time and hit me square on the nose and fell into my lap. It didn’t hit me hard enough to clear my mind, though.
Wrestling in my thoughts over the feelings for Jess, I worried over the idea of failing someone else I cared about.
Picking up the ball, I let it bounce onto the hardwood floor and it rolled out the doorway of my office. Swiveling around in my chair, I looked at my bookshelf. There in one of the rows of books, I saw my salvation sitting and waiting for me to pick it up—my Bible. My weary soul knew God was the only one who could free me from this bondage of the past, this heartache which never seemed to leave me. I knew if I didn’t go to Him now, I’d lose my chance of any real relationship with Jessica. It was only God who could heal me, it was only He who sees my heart, inside my very soul.
I pulled the dusty Bible down from the shelf, guilt plaguing me for my neglect of His Word over the years.
“Hello, old friend,” I said as I turned in my chair with a smile. Laying the Bible out on my desk, the pages fell open to Psalms, and the book poured forth the soul of the believer’s struggle. Bowing my head, I asked God to help me understand and to write His wisdom into my heart, to change me into the man of God I once was and to mend my broken heart. Lifting my eyes, I began to read.
My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.
Psalms 119:50
My soul unhinged as my flesh fought against the Spirit of God within me. There’s no comfort in suffering! I prayed again, asking God to strengthen me in the battle to kill my flesh. The truth surfaced to my thoughts. It was God who had brought me through those difficult days after we lost Scott. It was God alone who sustained me, it was He who was my comforter. Regret plagued my mind as I recalled skipping church more and more and eventually reaching for a bottle. It was a mistake, and a big one. Shaking my head, my chin dipped as I felt guilt weigh heavily on my soul for my past. Heal my broken soul, Lord, I prayed, and then I continued reading.
Trouble and distress have come upon me, but your commands give me delight.
Psalms 119:143
The verse resonated within the deepest recesses of my panged soul. Suddenly losing Scott to SIDS was devastating. If death hadn’t taken him, then Bethany and I could still have our family, still have our baby boy. My eyes watered as the gunk and pain stirred up to the surface of my heart. Folding my hands, I bowed my head and asked for God to give me delight in his commands and to strengthen me on the inside.
Chapter 26-Kirk
AFTER READING MY BIBLE FOR an hour, I closed it and breathed a sigh of relief as I wiped my tears. Why did I wait so long to go to Him? Why is it so hard to pick up a Bible but so easy to pick up a bottle? These questions pelted against my thoughts as I retrieved a piece of paper from my desk.
I began to write a letter. It was a note to my past self, addressed to the one who had fathered a son for six months, to the one who was married for two years. Tears dropped onto the page, smearing the ink as I penned my apologies, my innermost feelings I had been running from. I made promises never to forget who I was for that brief time in my life. I promised to never let another person I love be harmed.
The weight of the past that I had been carrying in my mind lessened as I came to the end of the letter. Tears of joy were now in my eyes. Taking the letter, I folded it in half, then again, and placed it in an envelope and then into a drawer in my desk. Wiping my hands over my face, I smiled as my heart was filled with a deep, abiding joy.
Chapter 27-Jessica
I SPENT SUNDAY NIGHT CURLED up on the couch reading Galatians. At a quarter to ten o’clock, my phone vibrated. It was unusual to get a message so late. Setting my Bible aside, I reached over and grabbed my phone.
It was Kirk.
Kirk: I found your number online. You should have your personal information more private. Anyway, I’d like to take you up on the offer to hang out and catch up, just friends. That is, if you can forgive my behavior.
Getting together with an old friend couldn’t hurt, and my heart leapt at the idea of spending real time with him. I couldn’t stop smiling as I replied and confirmed with him for two days from now. After our messages, I called Isabella and told her the news.
“Ahh!” she shrieked loud enough that I had to pull the phone away from my ear.
“Right? I’m so excited.” Stretching out on the couch, I put one knee over the other and bobbed it.
“I’m happy for you, girl. You deserve a good man after that loser jerk with a drinking problem. What was his name?”
I smiled. “Yeah, Nick. But remember … this isn’t a date.”
“Yeah, whatever!” She laughed.
Chapter 28-Jessica
DOWN AT FAITH BUILDERS MAGAZINE the next morning, Micah requested me to come into his office. Locking my computer screen at my desk, I got up and headed to his office. Kirk was on my mind most of the morning. There was a measure of uncertainty tethered to my attraction to him. With his obvious unresolved issues, I wasn’t sure if he was relationship material. I wanted to help, but I knew it wasn’t my job. Only God was able to bring healing.
“Jessica. In.” Micah’s voice was staggered, quick-firing as he motioned a hand for me to come in. Walking into his office, I furrowed my eyebrows as I shut the door.
My mind jumped out of my thoughts of Kirk and focused on the present situation. Taking a seat in front of his desk, I leaned forward with raised eyebrows. “What’s up?”
“You have that bodyguard guy on standby? Right?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“I need you to head out today and do an interview. It’s on this guy who’
s been preaching on a corner downtown. I guess he wears a billboard and is a full-blown doomsdayer.”
Confusion filled my mind, and I shook my head. “Are you sure it’s a good idea? I don’t see how this is going to resonate with readers.”
“They’ll like it.”
“But—”
“Please, just do it.”
I didn’t agree, but I wasn’t about to fight him on it. “Whatever you say, Boss. Email me the address and I’ll head out.”
“Thank you.”
Standing up to leave, I was almost out the door when Micah stopped me.
“Hey, Jessica?”
“Yeah?” I asked, turning back to him.
“You want to grab a bite to eat tonight?”
Thinking about his wife and children, I shook my head. “I don’t know if your wife would like that.”
“Oh, you must not know. We’re currently separated and in counseling weekly to try and resolve it. However, I am not too sure how we can unless God works a miracle, but it has been done before, so pray! But I didn’t mean it like that anyway, I meant a working dinner. There are a few things I would like to discuss with you.”
My gut still said no, but he was my boss. It’d be awkward if I didn’t agree. “Okay.”
“Chinese Garden, seven o’clock.”
“Okay.”
Walking back to my computer, I felt the gnawing feeling in my gut grow. I really hope it’s just dinner. My eyes darted back to his office over my shoulder. I’d hate to lose this job because I don’t have any interest in being with my boss. Lifting a prayer, I handed the situation over to God, washing my hands of the worry. I knew He could deal with Micah’s heart and the situation at hand.
Arriving back to my desk, I found a sticky note attached to my screen.