by Beck, J. L.
My mom eventually took me to a shrink who over time was able to show me some relaxation techniques and ways of overcoming the attacks. I was skeptical at first but I started to do them. And they worked. Eventually, the panic attacks went away all together.
“How about this…” Rosy smirked making a gesture at the bartender. “We forget about Jake and leave your brother a big ass tab?”
It took me a moment to snap out of old memories and focus on what my friend was actually saying. Lots of liquor at someone else’s expense? I didn’t even have to think about it. Lola was with my parents for the rest of the evening and I was nursing a broken heart all over again.
Tequila shots and wine would definitely to remedy that. Although, looking back I should have realized what an idiotic combo Tequila and Wine was.
“Let’s do it!” I cheered. Excitement zinged through me as Rosy ordered us a round of shots. I took each one graciously letting the tequila trickle down my throat and warm my belly. Shot upon shot entered my mouth, but no matter how much I tried to drown my thoughts of Jake with alcohol it didn’t work and by the end of the night I was left drunk with more thoughts about him than I cared to share. Alcohol could often be a great way to forget, but I’ve found that when I’m really down sometimes alcohol actually opens me up and makes things worse. But sometimes you don’t know if you don’t try. And when this sort of thing does happen I can usually rest assured that I will get so drowsy from the alcohol that I will fall asleep soon.
“Whoa!” Rosy giggled as I hopped off the bar stool and headed outside. My entire body was swaying like there were hurricane force winds pressing against me. At one point I’m fairly certain I waked around in tiny circles. This was why I preferred to drink at home. You didn’t have to worry about being weird in public.
“I’m going to find himmm, and tell him…” My words were slurred and my vision was blurry, but I could do this. Everything was becoming clear to me. I knew what I had to do. Rosy was right; everything was going to work out great.
“You don’t even know where he is and no one has seen him all evening.” I heard what Rosy said but I didn’t care. I would search till the ends of the Earth for him. He had to know the truth. All the pain, the anguish, the confusion, and the fear I was feeling was because I didn’t have the guts to tell Jake the truth. Well, the wine and the tequila had emboldened me, and I was going to fix this.
“Well, he’s sleeping around here, I think” I said gesturing towards my house, Rosy busted out in laughter.
“He’s sleeping outside in the grass, near your house?” Rosy joked.
I turned around faster than necessary glaring at Rosy, almost falling on my ass. The alcohol in my belly sloshed around, causing a slight ache to form in the pit of my stomach.
“Don’t…” I growled staring out into the grassy field like an idiot. The truth of the matter was that he wasn’t there and that he’d probably found someone else to take home for the night.
“What the he…”
Jake?
A smile pulled at my lips as Jake’s deep robust voice met my ears. Damn, his voice was sexy. I wondered if he had some sort of a beacon on me that whenever I wanted him near me he just suddenly appeared. That was so handy, but also it could have been really annoying. Sometimes, a girl just wanted to chill the hell out with her BFF, right?
Damn, I was drunk.
A shiver ran up my spine as his face appeared before me in the summer moonlight. He was so handsome. The moonlight captured his strong, rugged jawline and cast shadows around the hollows of his dark, piercing eyes. He was flashing that cocky half smile he always did when he had naughty thoughts on his mind. Hmmm, I was getting some naughty thoughts myself. Alcohol always made me crazy horny. I sensed this could somehow get me in trouble right then.
“Ummm… I’m going to go…” Rosy smiled sheepishly, before stepping away from me.
“No, you can’t…” I reached for her but due to all those tequila shots, she gave me my depth perception was way off. Where the hell did she think she was going? She surely wasn’t going to leave me alone drunk and horny with Jake. Did she not remember anything we talked about tonight?
“Whoa, Nelly…” I knew my feet were slipping. Reaching for Rosy my left food suddenly slid on some mud or grass, in the dark and under the haze of alcohol I had no idea which, but I did know I was going to take a tumble and it was going to suck.
My leg flew out to the left of me and I felt myself falling. All I could think about was how much an ER visit was going to cost me for this sprained ankle and other broken bones I was bound to end up with in a moment.
Suddenly, I was blanketed in warmth. My body was no longer falling. My feet were under me and I realized I could start to stand up. What the hell had just happened? It took me a few seconds to realize that as Jake had wrapped his arms around me and prevented me from falling to the ground.. Relief washed over me as I tried to look up at him. The world above me was spinning. The night sky had never looked so precious and beautiful before, especially with that sweet full moon hanging high in the sky, and this sexy angel of a man holding me in his strong, yet gentle embrace. This was turning out to be the best night ever.
Wait. What the hell was I doing?
I remembered my feet and planted them beneath my body. Then I pushed my full weight up to a standing position, trying to ignore the fact that I was still swaying everywhere to and fro. But I managed to regain my balance while pretending that I was not nearly as drunk as I totally was. I did not want Jake to see me this way. But as I stood up I started to slip again and as I settled my head against his chest, I paused a moment. I had almost forgotten how good the sound of his heartbeat beneath my ear sounded. It sounded warm, safe, and it felt right.
“Jake…”I purred. His name came out almost as a sigh. I loved him so much. He had no idea how much he meant to me and hopefully, he never would, because if he ever did find out, that would mean I would have fallen for his charms once again. And I damn sure wasn’t about to admit that. Especially to Jake. Or to myself.
“Are your drunk Mia?” Jake asked the most obvious question ever with a little giggle.
He could even make sarcasm sound sexy, I jerked my body and pulled out of his strong arms looking up at him feeling a tiny bit of dizziness wash over me, reminding me of the time I’d tried to learn to surf and had failed miserably to stand on the board in the water. I must have tried it twenty-five times that day and ten the next before I finally threw in the towel and realized that surfing just wasn’t going to be for me.
“No! I’m coping.” I grunted. Rosie’s words of wisdom echoed through my mind. I shot her a glance and she laughed with a cocky nod of her head. Yeah. Girl power bitches.
“Coping with what?” Jake asked letting his smirk grow wider.
He knew I was drunk off my ass. At least he was amused, I thought. The jerk.
“I think we need to get you into bed. Where is Lola?” Jake asked.
I clenched my fists at my sides. How dare he pepper me with questions? Nothing I did was his concern or business. “You. I’m coping with your presence…” I spoke slowly trying to hide the slur in my words. Dammit, I shouldn’t have said that. The plan of seeking him out while drunk as hell was starting to reveal its flaws.
“Come on let’s go,” Jake ordered and within seconds, he had me wrapped up in his arms, cradling me against his chest. My eyes roamed over his face lingering on his lips. He smelled of beer and cigarettes. That was such a sexy combo. Or was it only sexy when it was Jake? Cigarettes were nasty. Did he even smoke? Oh, his lips were so perfect. I wanted to kiss him. The need was almost overpowering me. I began to lick my own lips and I’m not totally sure, but I thought I allowed a moan or perhaps a purr to escape me.
“I missed you,” echoed in the air. Did I say that? I did. The words were a whisper I hoped he wouldn’t hear.
“I know you did,” he whispered back, with a laugh, his voice making me shiver. He was so immaculate. I jus
t wanted to slide my tongue all over his body. I could feel the wetness of my arousal pooling between my thighs. It had been a long time since I was with anyone, but Jake had my body begging to be taken by him. I would have let him do it right there and then in the middle of the street. I didn’t care. I knew I was almost home, but I didn’t know if I could wait until we were indoors. My body longed for it. My mind returned to too many lonely nights of falling asleep only to be woken up in the middle of the most amazing, romantic sex dreams that starred Jake. He was the only one I ever dreamt about. Well, except nineties era George Clooney. Yeah, George would always be in my hall pass list.
Oh, Jake…I longed for his touch for as long as I could remember, even when I told myself I hated him.
“But I still hate you,” I added, making sure he understood how unsure I was of him. I wanted to give into my body’s needs and wants but I the adverse effects that would take place if I fell for him all over again banged loudly against the frontal lobe of my mind. Frontal lobe. That was a term Rosy would have appreciated. Wait… where was she?
I tried to glance around to see where my friend went, but the world was moving around in circles. I closed my eyes to steady my mind and concentrated on leaning against Jake as he escorted me home.
“Your body says otherwise.” He purred in my ear, with a smidge of humor in his voice.
How did he always know? Was I always so obvious?
“No. My body just knows when a good looking man is handling it. And you are not the only good looking man in town Jake Mathews.” I licked my lips, as my nails sunk into his strong shoulder muscles.
“Oh, Yeah? Well, you keep sinking your nails into my skin like that and I’m going to have no other choice but to strip you bare and devour that sweet thing between your legs.”
The imagery was enlightening. In my drunken state, it sounded perfect. Shock filled my belly pounding my inner workings with overly excited butterflies. Tingles echoed from my crotch up into my lower belly and back down again. I was losing my grip. And I knew it. As much as I hated to admit it, I wanted him to keep talking to me like that. I wanted him to dirty me up, and take it from me like he never had before.
The sound of a door opening pulled me from my lustful thoughts and I twisted in his arms until I realized we were in my house.
He was in my house. Ok, this could go wrong. I knew that the actions I took next would decide exactly how this evening was going to go.
I wanted Jake. He knew it. And I was too drunk to properly deny it. But I knew the only time I would allow myself this moment would be if I were, nearly drunk. Sober Mia was too careful and good to make a choice like this. I knew what the right choice was. It was still my choice and mine alone. I knew what I had to do.
Without a thought, I wrapped my hand around the back of his neck and forced his mouth down to mine.
Sparks of pleasure shot through me as soon as our lips touched. Every ounce of pain that I had endured because of this man was put into that kiss. It was sexy, passionate, and really kind of violent. My lust and anger had molded into a carefully orchestrated onslaught. I just wanted to hate fuck the shit out of him.
“Mmmm…” Was that me?
I opened my mouth slightly as I felt the intrusion of Jake’s tongue against the seam of my lips. I gasped for air as his tongue entered my mouth mingling with my own; his hands gripped my soft curves holding me tightly against his chest. I couldn’t have moved away if I’d wanted to. At least that was what I wanted to believe. The idea that the choice was no longer up to me, at least not the rational part of my brain was erotic and exciting beyond anything else I could remember ever feeling. I just wanted to get this done, to be in the moment, the throes of total passion that would be unstoppable and never ending. There was a need I couldn’t explain in his very kiss. I wanted to bite his mouth and rip his lips from his face, but my lips kept pressing harder, my mouth open wide allowing his tongue to explore every nuance. I wanted to suck his mouth inside of mine.
“Fuckkkkkk…” He growled against my mouth, kissing me more fiercely than he had been before. His lips were bruising mine and I wanted more, so much more. The pain was sweet and punishing. I wanted to punish the bad feelings that had been polluting my heart and my brain for so long. The torment I had to contend with was finally at an impasse. Did it matter that I was essentially letting Jake win? No. I didn’t really see it that way. This was a win for both of us. Why were we even playing this game?
It was a game he’d started, I reminded myself. Oh, shut up. I didn’t want to think about any of that now. I just wanted to get his hard, thick , cock deep inside my wet valley. I wanted him to spill his hot, salty, seed as far inside of me as he could. I wanted him to put another baby in me. Oh, yes…
“Fuck me!” I practically begged, gasping for air. The room was still spinning from too many tequila shots and I could barely even say the words but I couldn’t wait any more. I had to have it. I felt frenzied and almost rabid.
“Mia…”
Everything stopped. I couldn’t explain it but suddenly the air of passion and total chaos of sex just evaporated the moment I heard him moaning my name. It reminded me of something. It reminded me of the dream. But it also reminded me of the last time we were together. It was the right before he told me he was leaving. That’s right, the bastard had to fuck me once more before delivering the bad news. What a prince, huh? Oh, I loathed him so much. Why did he keep getting inside my head?
“Mia,” Jake moaned again.
The way he said my name made it sound like he was in pain. It was cold, and unfeeling. Or maybe I’d just sobered up enough to realize what the hell I was doing.
Maybe he doesn’t even want you like that?
The thought made me wince as if I’d been punched in the gut.
“Put me down,” I ordered. I might have been drunk but I wasn’t stupid. I was not going to do this.
“Wait… What the hell Mia?” Jake growled as I slithered out of his hold, shoving him away from me all in one motion. I was swaying on my feet now as I stared up at him. He was so handsome it was almost sickening. But he was not getting this tonight. Hopefully, he never would.
“I’m not a fucking push over Jake! If you didn’t want me you could’ve said so…” I snarled. I could still taste him on my lips. His scent left me wanting to attack him with my teeth. I wanted to bite his tongue out.
He ran a hand through his short brown hair and exhaled a ragged breath. “You’re right. I don’t want you Mia….”
My heart deflated sinking into my stomach. What? What was he saying? Was I actually right about this? God, I knew him like a book. Every single trick up his sleeve he’d used on me before. I’d almost forgotten. But no dice.
Jake sighed. The expression on his face was full of honesty and pain. “I fucking need you. It kills me knowing you’ve been doing this all alone. That I hurt you, and that you’re still aching from the pain. I can never take back what I did. I made the worst mistake of my life, and possibly the worst mistake a man can make. I was young. I was stupid. I turned my back on love. Actually, I did even worse than that. I took real love for granted. I was arrogant enough to think that I could just waltz off and do this thing I felt in my heart I needed to do, and that you would be there for me when I came back. ”
“You can’t just expect people to revolve around you. That’s not what a man does.”
“I thought I was doing the right thing for us,” Jake said. “I thought it would be better. I was wrong.”
“That’s bullshit,” I said. “You were selfish. That’s all it was. You were a scared little boy. You took off to live out some macho fantasies and expected that I’d wait around for you. I can still remember the shock in your eyes when I told you that we were done if you left.”
“You’re right. I wanted to stop right then and stay, but I was already enlisted. I couldn’t just quit. It was too late.”
“Well, newsflash. Everything you do has consequences, Jake.”
“I know that,” Jake said. “You’re right. I won’t argue that. But loving somebody means loving them warts and all. It means loving them no matter what stupid things they may do sometimes, because if you live long enough sometimes you are going to make the wrong choice.”
“Are you saying that I made the wrong choice?” I asked incredulously. No way was he actually implying this.
“Did you?” Jake asked.
“You bastard,” I growled.
Tears sprang from my eyes. How could he just say a few simple words, and he always knew which ones, to cut me to the core. Tears began falling down my cheeks and I wiped at them with the back of my hand refusing to be seen as weak in front of him.
“If you fucking needed me, you would’ve been here… now give me what I want or leave…” My nails dug into my palms in frustration and that frustration only seemed to mount as soon as I saw the cocky smirk crest Jake’s lips.
“What is it that you want Mia?” He stalked towards me like a lion hunting its prey. I could feel my heart beating furiously against my rib cage.
The way he could go from sincerity and actually showing emotion to that cold, callous, condescension was shocking. He was a chameleon. He could really be whatever he wanted whenever he wanted to. That was scary. And it was the fear that I found so appealing. Why? Why did that attract me so? Why did women like me always lust after dangerous men? Men that were guaranteed to take everything from you and leave you still wanting them.
“What do you think I want?” I asked.
“I don’t know. It’s hard for me to tell, anymore,” Jake said.
The way he said those words, the way he stood there looking like the perfect man who was ready to do whatever I asked him to overwhelm me with a lust that truly frightened me. I was in tears, an emotional wreck. I was drunk and I knew my decision making abilities had been severely compromised. But I knew what I wanted. And I was going to get it.
“You. Your cock. I want it. Inside me.” I made no fuss about what it was that I wanted. Drunk Mia could hold her own. It was sober Mia that had a problem stating her opinion.