Why?
Well, tonight I planned on figuring that out.
Daniel
When I saw Claire out on a date with Drew, of all people, I lost my resolve to keep my distance. Not like Drew was a jerk, or anything. He was just, well…not her type, although pinpointing who was her type seemed impossible. I might venture out on a limb and suggest that maybe I was Claire’s type, but then that would be a little self-serving. Let’s just say I was one thousand percent positive that some dude from the football team was definitely not Claire’s type.
I sensed a change in her energy that night as I hung back a few cars, following them to dinner, then up into the hills for some kind of nature excursion (Nice move, Drew. I didn’t know he could be so…romantic). It was actually relieving to watch Claire finally enjoying life again, even with this guy. She seemed to be okay for once.
At first I watched them from far away, feeling slightly irritated, possibly even jealous when she smiled because of him. I really had no intention of letting her know I was there watching them, and that was the truth. But before I knew it, Claire had ditched her date and was already walking toward me, almost cornering me.
And then it was too late.
Claire
Inhaling deeply, I walked toward the platform where Daniel stood frozen like a photograph. Once he realized I was coming right for him, he took a step backward, like he was about to leave.
Don’t go, I silently begged.
He shifted sideways toward one of the rear entrances leading out into the trees. But I didn’t take my eyes off him. Past the whirring carousel, through the music and crowds and sweet smell of candy, I continued my pursuit down the steps and into the shadows of the unlit park grounds. Just as I nearly reached him, he was another fifteen feet away from me. Somehow he had instantly shifted backward, and now watched me from behind the carousel platform. A feeling of vertigo swept over me, and I stopped. Nothing had moved, yet in a blink, Daniel had shifted away from me again.
Where was he going?
I followed him out there, down the steps to the fresh air and a starry sky. Once out from beneath the glaring lights, I pulled my sweater around my shoulders and crept along in the dark, making my way through the shadows to him. I could see he was wearing flip-flops now, and I shallowly wondered how often he deliberated footwear.
Only a few feet apart now, we faced each other. He seemed hesitant, like he was debating whether or not to stay. I stopped and reached for him, my fingers hovering near his chin.
He looked in my eyes, like he wanted to say something.
I smiled.
His eyes seemed to brighten at that, and he smiled, too. Lifting his hand up near mine, he extended his fingers wide as our hands overlapped, absurdly occupying the same space. A sudden look of irritation swept over him, and his hands quickly fell to his side.
“What?” I asked, whispering.
He started to speak, but hesitated, looking at me apologetically.
I wanted so much more, and could feel my frustration beginning to seep through, overpowering my awe. “Why do you keep coming?” I said over the beat of my pounding heart.
When he didn’t respond, unwanted tears gathered inside my eyes. Daniel looked away, seemingly hurt.
“Wait…” I said, already regretting my outburst. “It’s okay, Daniel. That’s not what I meant. Don’t leave yet. Please,” I begged.
He looked up, but his eyes were so dismal. I was afraid I’d blown it.
In the distance, a deep, reverberating rhythm of a clock began to chime, the bonging drowning out my voice. It reminded me of the date I’d ditched. When the tenth chime finally dissolved into a soft echo, I turned around, scanning the crowd behind me. No sign of Drew yet.
Daniel—what was I going to do? Even though I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving him, I also knew he could never be a part of my life, either. How could he? He was dead. Yet, Daniel Holland stood before me with a smile that seemed to melt my heart.
Except, now he was stepping backward, away from me.
“Don’t leave,” I said. “Not yet.”
His eyes told me he had to.
“Claire!” Drew’s voice called for me in the distance, though I was convinced I still had a few more minutes.
Daniel seemed to be drifting away from me, but I wasn’t ready to let him go. In protest, I lunged at him. But, instead of my hand gliding through him like before, it stopped against the solid mass of Daniel’s arm—an arm that was warm, and real and alive.
I gasped.
He froze.
I could feel his skin, and clung on to him with surprising strength, afraid to let go. My shocked face duplicated Daniel’s. I was dumbfounded. Thrilled. Confused. Had I once and for all really lost it—imagining this because something in me finally snapped?
Daniel held still, fixed momentarily in a daze that had obviously stunned him like it did me. He reached for me with his other hand, touching my shoulder. The feel of his skin sent electrifying chills up and down my arms, like icicles dancing with firecrackers. I could feel every one of his fingers gripping my skin.
“What…happened?” I asked, looking for answers. “What…?” But I didn’t know how to finish.
The sound of the crowd behind me seemed to disappear, leaving only the leaves rustling in the creaking trees.
“Claire…” he said deeply, slowly.
His voice. I could hear it—a deep, soothing voice I loved more than anything. It was foreign, yet familiar, as deep as it was gentle, one I had known my entire life.
I closed the gap between us and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him to me. “I can hear you.” The whole time I’d known him, we had never once hugged, not deliberately, not like this. Daniel held me comfortably, his hands pressing into my back, sweetly suffocating me.
“How can you hear me?” he whispered in my ear before letting out a little laugh. I pulled back to see his smile.
“You’re alive,” I said, my fingers pressing into the base of his neck. I loved the feel of his hair.
“I can’t believe this,” he whispered, his feathery breath dancing across my skin. “This is crazy!” He released me to scrutinize his own arms and hands. “You don’t know what it feels like to…to breathe, and to feel again, Claire, after nothing for so long…to feel something, to feel you.” He pulled me to him again, his fingers pressing softly into my skin, as if touching me for the first time.
“Are you alive?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Nothing makes sense.”
“You mean this has never happened before?”
“Are you kidding? No! No, this is insane!” he said, lifting me off my feet in one giant swoop, spinning me around until I was dizzy.
“Daniel!” I laughed.
He put me back down, still holding my hands tight, when a lock of hair swept down into his eyes. He brought his hand up to push it away, then paused. “That used to bug me.”
“What did?”
“My hair. I always hated how it fell down into my face.”
“You did?”
“Yes. But now it just makes me feel more alive.”
He grew a little more serious then, having slipped a bit from his high.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, grabbing his hands again.
“I just feel so strange right now, like I’m crawling out of my skin. Like I can’t get enough of life, but don’t really need it anymore, either. Does that make sense?”
Not really. “I guess.”
Drawing me to him again, his arms crushed me as his cheek gently brushed against my face. But the sound of the carousel seemed to find us again, sabotaging our embrace and reminding me of my abandoned date. Strangely, I felt like I could sense Drew approaching, and the panic hit us both at the same time.
Daniel let go of me as I took a painful step backward. “He’s coming,” he said.
“Let’s hide,” I whispered, looking around for a good hiding spot. But Daniel wouldn’t move w
ith me as I tried pulling him with me into the trees.
“We can’t, Claire. Not now,” he said, standing firmly, refusing to follow.
“Why? Daniel?”
“I need to tell you something,” he said, “about your—”
I suddenly couldn’t hear him anymore, even though he was right there. His mouth was still moving, like someone had pushed a mute button, and when I reached for his hands, nothing was there.
We stared at each other in defeat. Whatever connection we had shared was lost. Whatever brief life Daniel had experienced was gone. I stood there in disbelief as he shook his head.
“Claire?” a voice spoke from behind me.
Of course I jumped and screamed. It was Drew. He looked at me like I was mental.
I pretended to be thankful he’d found me lost in the woods, but sensed he wasn’t buying it. He led me back down the hill to the car without saying a word or breaking a smile.
I turned to look for Daniel one last time, but he had already disappeared into the night.
CHAPTER SIX
BOO
Daniel
I felt bad. Well, just for Drew. I could already tell Claire was going to be fine, which was pretty much how I felt, too. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.
The trees flew by me as I shot into the sky above the tiny city, eventually slowing down to take it all in—not the distant city lights below me, but the shocking fact that for a few minutes I had somehow come back from the dead. Not only that, but I couldn’t seem to take my eyes or hands off of Claire, either.
I didn’t get it. How did I go my entire life without even noticing her—until it was too late? I never believed in fate, or true love, or anything like that, but did wonder if there had been signs along the way—some sort of early indication she meant more to me than I’d realized.
Maybe it was time to hit the rewind button in my head, time for a dive into the ol’ Memory Trace, something I’d recently discovered. It was kind of like flipping through an electronic photo album—except instead of watching the blur of images flash by until I found what I was looking for, I was the one zooming through a three-dimensional tunnel of my own life, sometimes for hours or days at a time, just exploring my mind like a deep-sea explorer searching for treasure. It was easy to get lost in there if you didn’t pay attention, though. Just last week I got stuck for three days in a body surfing memory. I couldn’t help it. It was so relaxing.
There had to be something inside there, some long-lost Claire memories hidden in the back of my mind that might explain this ridiculous, post-mortal crush I couldn’t seem to get under control.
I closed my eyes and let myself sink into the tunnel, wondering how far back I could go, wondering if I’d even find anything worth visiting. Pretty soon, my life was surrounding me, and I started to look for glimpses of Claire, wondering where she might be hiding…
Backward… holding Claire behind the carousel… Backward… the sound of a gunshot… Back… playing basketball in the driveway with Matthew… Faster… waterskiing in Tahoe…Christmas day with Grandma… Faster… swimming in the lake… poison ivy… Boy Scouts… skateboarding… faster… Disneyla… camp… pai… a… g… … … … Slower… … tr… bike… hospit… Slower… rainstor… fog…moving day…
Slow.
Stop.
The hot sun broils me as I stand out in the driveway, staring down the street at the moving van. I’m pretty sure the old guy with the big nose who used to live there died in his sleep, and now a new family is moving in. The driveway is filled with a gazillion boxes, and just when I turn to go back in the house, I hear voices and footsteps coming toward me. Addie comes out of the garage with another girl who also looks like she’s three or four years old, and they are already holding hands like they’ve been best friends their whole lives. Figures. Girls are way too lovey-dovey. Gross. The first thing I notice about the new girl is her glasses. The second thing, her hair, since I can’t decide whether it’s blonde or brown or red…
Too far.
Go.
Fast-forward… broken leg at school… st… bre… grounded…a parade… Stop.
Colors exploding in the sky. Fourth of July. Sparklers everywhere. Claire and Addie are chasing Matthew and me down the hill to the lake. Their laughter catches up to us, and we stop and turn to face the white sparks shooting out from their hands.
Skip ahead.
Side by side we float on our backs beneath the stars, my arms stretching outwards while I kick my legs through the cool water. I feel like I can stay out there all night in the lake just by myself, although Claire isn’t bad company, either. Every time I’m around her, things always feel calmer, which is such a nice break from Addie.
Sailing by her, I reach out for the canoe and untie it, then lunge into it while Addie and Matthew skip rocks from the dock. I laugh as Claire tries to pull herself up inside the canoe, without any luck, of course. She gives me a dirty look and pretends like she knew what she was doing. Finally she succeeds and flops beside me. As she stares up at the sky, I secretly watch her familiar silhouette until she jabs me in the side. In return, I pop her on the forehead and dive back into the water, leaving her alone to bring the canoe in all by herself. Serves her right...
Go.
Fast-forward… ice… ho … Washingt… grape jello… haircut… scared of… Skip.
Stop.
Claire thinks she’s so funny for pushing me into the lake with all my clothes on. I can’t get her back right now because she’s already wet, but I’ll make her pay. She definitely has something coming to her, that’s for sure.
Pause. This was funny—I could feel it approaching before the images were even in front of me. I laughed.
I sneak in when everyone is sound asleep. The house is dark and quiet. The frog is slippery, so I drop it twice, but he’s too slow, and I catch him before he disappears under the table. Claire is snoring when I tiptoe up next to her. She looks funny sleeping, and I want to laugh, but keep to the plan: drop the frog on top of her head and get out of there. I hear the scream when I reach the kitchen, and I bolt for the door. Man, I wish I could see the look on her face right now. Matthew will have to describe it to me later.
Stop.
Skip Forward…Claire pitches me the whiffle ball and tags me smack in the eye… I throw up in the bushes on the way home from school and Matthew and Addie run away from me, but Claire stays behind and holds my backpack for me… we’re running through the sprinklers… going to the movies… mountain biking… carpool… football games… pizza night…
Stop.
Unwind.
Breathe.
I couldn’t believe how many Claire memories I had forgotten over the years. I never realized how much she was such a part of my life. Sure, at the time, most of the details seemed as routine as brushing my teeth or tying my shoes. Who remembers stuff like that? But now I knew what made Claire so much more interesting than most of the girls I’d liked or dated—which was probably why I still couldn’t get her out of my mind. It had something to do with all those crazy, funny things that made her unique, like the sound of her low-pitched laugh, or the way her neck got splotchy-red when she was embarrassed, how she stuck with glasses most of the time despite advances in modern technology. Or the way she screamed whenever someone snuck up behind her (it could even be a babbling baby and she’d still freak out), and all the other strange, funny, dorky, unique things that made her Claire….
It felt like she had snuck in the back door and crawled right up inside my head without me ever knowing. There were probably a hundred more memories, but I was already feeling the weight of the Memory Trace. It was exhausting searching through my mind like that, like reliving hundreds of hours of thoughts and feelings all at once in a short amount of time. It even made me feel kind of sleepy.
And it was time to wake up and go back home.
To Hidden Lake.
To Claire.
Claire
The drive home
was mostly silent. Obviously, there would be no explaining to Drew why I had wandered off alone in the dark. What would I tell him, anyway? That I was playing hide-and-seek with my dead crush? Rather than make up some far-fetched story, I kept my mouth shut as he drove, the stereo blasting through the strain. I just hoped he wasn’t the gossipy type.
When Drew dropped me off, I mumbled a sort-of apology, unable to look him in the eyes. I didn’t know exactly how to say sorry, so I gushingly thanked him instead, and then he left me alone beneath a cascade of moonlight.
The porch light flickered on much too quickly as the door creaked open to Mom’s cheerful face. She probably had insanely high hopes that Drew would solve all of my problems. I was sorry to disappoint her, but still offered a weak smile, pretending. She really had no idea how far from despondency I truly was. If she only knew. Then again, I was pretty sure she would send me off to the shrink she’d been threatening for the last three months if I told her how my evening really went.
“How was it, hon?”
“Fine.” I found it nearly impossible trying to play casual while bursting inside.
“Did you have fun?”
I sunk to the empty bench and sighed in frustration, wishing I could tell her the truth, but knew that was out of the question. How could I tell anyone I wanted to be with someone who was dead but occasionally came back to life? Chills trickled down my arms and legs when I replayed in my mind the moment Daniel swung me around and said my name. I loved the sound of his voice.
“Not much to talk about?” Mom asked, putting her arm around me.
“Not really. It was fine,” I said, though I was beginning to sense some sort of premeditated lecture.
“Did you like him?” she asked too eagerly. “Was he nice?”
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